When you read threads about difficult children...

[Wishimaywishimight]

I sometimes read 'active' threads about difficulties mums are having with their children - it's purely out of curiosity / boredom as I have none of my own (through choice).

Once in a blue mood I idly wonder what life with children would have been like. That ship has long sailed, I'm in my 50s and have a lovely life with my DH but I do sometimes wonder as I get older if I would have enjoyed life with older teens / 20s and beyond, I'm sure I would however I wasn't willing to go through 18 + years of child rearing to get there!

Today I am reading a thread about a woman having trouble with her teenager and I think to myself that I am just not equipped to handle that. I know the strength of a mother's love (allegedly) would make it bearable but the thought of a teenager shouting or swearing at me in my own home would make me just want to argue back or throw them out rather than try and 'bond' with them, understand them, let them away with crap ("pick your battles") etc.

I know that most children / teens are probably, largely, wonderful but it's the outliers that I read about here that make me truly thankful I made the choice I did!

I was agreeing with something in the post above mine.

I don’t disagree with anything in the OP. I’m in the ‘what a shit existence’ camp.

Ah I see,I just didnt get the context of the comment on the childfree board, but I see now the sentence I had missed in the above post that you were responding too

Re the caring for elderly parents, and the idea one just steps up. I knew I simply couldn't provide physical care for my elderly parents. I don't have the right sort of character, and I am too selfish.

What I did shoulder single handedly though was administering their affairs for nearly two decades and organising others to do the physical caring. That in itself nearly broke me.

There is this assumption that women have this special caring gene. It's just not true.

Same as PP, I also don’t know anyone in real life who isn’t happy with their decision to have children. Only ever see this on MN.

Oddly enough I know plenty of women IRL who are happy with their decision not to have children. There are four just in my department at work. We all prefer having cats.

Please can I come and work with you? They sound like dream colleagues.

They are! Although we don’t have that conversation when there are parents in the room in case they get jealous.

Same as PP, I also don’t know anyone in real life who isn’t happy with their decision to have children. Only ever see this on MN.

Do you think people IRL would tell you if they were not happy with their decision to have children? MN is an anonymous forum. People discuss feelings they wouldn’t share in real life for precisely that reason.

You have to remember that when your teen is shouting at you ..(and I've been in this situation!) it's not some random kid you have no connection to. It's a person who you have brought up since they were born so you have a deep connection and relationship with them. Yes sometimes you do want to tell them to shut up and get out but underneath they are still your tiny baby.

I completely agree that women don't have a special caring gene. And caring for a loved one is relentless in the way that being a carer as a paid job isn't. There are no shifts and no annual leave. I think it often lands on daughters but that's purely gender stereotypes, it should be shared evenly between brothers and sisters as much as possible.

But the fact remains is that you (like most children from loving families) did step up to advocate for your Mum. Despite it being so hard (And I know it's hard because I've seen my Mum do it and DH and his siblings are at the early stages of it), presumably because you felt it was the right thing to do for your mother you loved.

I have a theory that the people who don't want to have children are actually probably the ones who see clearest how much work it is and ironically would often be better, more thoughtful parents than those who jump into parenthood thinking it's all going to be hallmark moments.

This 10000000%

Exactly what I was going to say. There’s a huge taboo to admitting you regret having children so people are unlikely to tell people in real life.

I am expecting the teen years to be one of those things you just have to go through to get to the other side....

Parents are forged in fire. You learn on the job. Anyone can do it, and if you suddenly found yourself with a sulky teenager under your roof, you'd find your way. All country's are foreign unless you go there.

I mean sure anyone can do it, but that doesn't say much at all really does it? It's a meaningless soundbite if, like me and others on the thread, you had an abusive parent. Or, if like the little girl who lived down the road from me, your parent kills you.

So yeah, anyone can do it, but not everyone should.

Those who vet prospective adoptive parents certainly don’t have the view that “anyone can do it” and rightly so.

And your point is? Anyone can do anything that doesn't require specialist knowledge or skill.
If you suddenly found yourself homeless, a victim of war, in an abusive relationship, fired, diagnosed with cancer.... you'd find your way.
Doesn't make these experiences any less shit.

And parenting has the added complication that people are actively choosing to have this shit experience.

I'm child-free by choice, getting forged in the fires of parenthood, learning to parent a whole other human, finding myself with a sulky teenager [or crying baby, or grumpy toddler etc] under my roof, finding my parenting way... These are all things that sound like a hugely sub-optimal, utterly depressing way to spend life.

If you suddenly found yourself homeless, a victim of war, in an abusive relationship, fired, diagnosed with cancer.... you'd find your way
Doesn't make these experiences any less shit

But those examples you have given don't really have any good points do they? Lots of parenting is shit, that's true. But it's not totally shit. There are many many absolutely amazing moments. I have teens....it can be hellish! But it can also be absolutely awesome and great fun. I have a good laugh with them. We enjoy doing things together. I love watching them succeed at something or enjoying themselves.

That's a completely different situation, though. Adoption assessment is aimed at finding families for children, not the other way around, and with the further caveat that the children to be adopted have, even in the 'best' case scenario, usually been removed from parents who were unable to look after them, but also may have experienced addiction issues, been neglected, or at best had lots of transitions and instability as they moved around care settings.

Parenting that may be 'good enough' (in Winnicott's sense) for biological children with no in utero stressors or substances, and in the sole care of a stable family unit from birth, isn't necessarily going to be good enough for children being adopted.

Everything I read on here about parenting and children, whatever they're like, makes me so glad I don't have any. I would have been utterly unsuited to motherhood.

Why do those that abuse and kill their children have them and keep having them?

You don't have to get pregnant, you dont have to keep a child even if you are.
You don't have to end up.in prison either.

Posts are not representative though because people only post in extremis. The majority having a perfectly good time wouldn’t need to post. I have two teen girls who are gorgeous good company enjoy reading thoughtful etc who enhance our lives. Why would I start a thread saying that?