When you read threads about difficult children...

[Wishimaywishimight]

I sometimes read 'active' threads about difficulties mums are having with their children - it's purely out of curiosity / boredom as I have none of my own (through choice).

Once in a blue mood I idly wonder what life with children would have been like. That ship has long sailed, I'm in my 50s and have a lovely life with my DH but I do sometimes wonder as I get older if I would have enjoyed life with older teens / 20s and beyond, I'm sure I would however I wasn't willing to go through 18 + years of child rearing to get there!

Today I am reading a thread about a woman having trouble with her teenager and I think to myself that I am just not equipped to handle that. I know the strength of a mother's love (allegedly) would make it bearable but the thought of a teenager shouting or swearing at me in my own home would make me just want to argue back or throw them out rather than try and 'bond' with them, understand them, let them away with crap ("pick your battles") etc.

I know that most children / teens are probably, largely, wonderful but it's the outliers that I read about here that make me truly thankful I made the choice I did!

Hear, hear!!

You can't judge how you'd feel with your child if you haven't got one.

No, but you can indulge in some imaginative speculation. Same as you could imagine 'how I'd cope with being a millionaire' or 'what would it be like to have been born in a different country.' That's not judging, which the OP wasn't (apart from judging herself not equipped to deal with what she was wondering about.

@MMrsDanversGlidesAgain Yes exactly, my intention is absolutely not to judge the parents, if anything, I am admiring of their tolerance and patience.

It's a good question.

I haven't read that thread but I think it's less that it's the 'strength of a mother's love' (which is, like most generalisations about women, with or without children, largely nonsense), more that you end up taking the long view of a child when you're its parent.

I was happily childfree until the age of 40 (which is why I sometimes read this board, as I have spent far more of my adult life not planning to have a child than I have as a parent.) I don't think I've particularly changed as a personality since I had DS, and I'm a fairly impatient person who needs a lot of personal space, but the relationship seems to me to necessitate a kind of seeing a child as a process.

DS is only just 12, so I'm only starting into the teens, but there are lots of behaviours viewed as normal on Mn, from partners, friends etc that I couldn't tolerate for a second.

@TheShellBeach Of course I agree that I have no idea how I would actually deal with these situations, I can only base my thoughts and reactions on what I know about my own personality.

I meant judge the situation, not the parents, or indeed the child.

Me too. Child free by choice. I take my hat off to these parents. I know I am not remotely equipped to deal with all the potential issues, nor with the stress it causes. I read those threads in horror and amazement at how people carry on.

I work on the basis that I absolutely can judge a situation. I acknowledge that I might be doing it out of total ignorance but that doesn't stop me having an opinion, even if it is uninformed.

A substantial percentage of MN wouldn't exist if people couldn't judge situations they never have and never will be in. Just have a look at the allotment threads.

I know what you mean. I've got DSC, whom I love dearly, but when they've encountered some of life's bumps I've definitely felt the distinction between DH's response (instinctive, emotional) and mine (loving but objective/practical) - and I've wondered how well I'd have dealt with things if it were the other way around.

My greatest nightmare is someone stealing or harming the dogs, so God knows what kind of highly strung tiger mother I'd have been!

I think it’s like lots of difficult situations, when you see others going through them, you wonder how they cope, and even be happy with something difficult going on in their life, but they often are.

We often don’t know our true strength or capabilities until we’re faced with the situation, but I do believe the love a parent has for a child is strong enough to cope with most things and seems to be unlike any other bond. When we see parents loving their child unconditionally and coming through hard time’s, the evidence is there for how strong the relationship is.

I also don’t think most teens swear and shout at their parents, certainly none I’ve know, so chances are you wouldn’t have got a child like that anyway. In other areas of my life, I don’t avoid things in case the worst case scenario things happen, as I wouldn’t do anything.

Well 'duh'!

Most teenagers are wonderful??

We (siblings & I) were ghastly to our parents after being good as gold as younger children, and none of us is ND.

I work with someone really senior and well-respected who told me one day that her teenage daughter had made her cry at the dinner table the night before by being nasty to her repeatedly. This is a top grade, high achieving, sporty student on her way to an elite university.

My point is I don’t think difficult teenagers are ‘outliers’ at all.

Pretty certain I made DM cry on a few occasions. DGM used to say to her 'now you know what you were like to me as a teenager.'

If I'd had children they'd have despised me as soon as they were old enough to do so; and not without reason.

Mine would probably have left home as soon as they could.

@Crushed23 I did say "probably" and "largely" 😁

A little wary of being denounced as a child hater so was being nice!

I don't know many teens these days other than a some neighbours children, all of whom are very pleasant!

A little wary of being denounced as a child hater so was being nice!

So do you hate children?

Of course OP hates children. OP doesn't have any, so that makes OP the moral equivalent of the Child Snatcher. Along with all us other women (sorry if I misgendered you there, OP) who decided motherhood wasn't for us and get 'So, do you hate children?' demanded of us by people who think they've a right to ask it because we don't have children. We must hate them, right? there can't be any other reason for not having them, after all.

Don't be disingenuous @MrsDanversGlidesAgain
I was just responding to the OP's own comment.

I think I would have been a brilliant mother. I know I would have sucked it all up, mediated between my husband’s crazy high expectations and messy teenagers, managed not to spoil them, all of that. I’m also 100% certain that the effort would have completely consumed me, and my wants and needs would have been in the wind, and I would have been absolutely miserable and crushed.

If a few more adults at least attempted to judge how they would feel before they had children then we wouldn't have quite so many abusive parents though so I applaud those posters who have the self awareness to know that they might not be the best parents

Which doesn't mean I think the childfree posters would have been abusive parents, this level of self awareness makes it unlikely. I just wish, as someone who came from an abusive house, that some parents had the same self awareness.

Hey OP, yep I'm on that thread. It can be a bit of a lottery and sometimes things happen that makes you wonder how on earth you're surviving.

I think it's such a good thing for people who choose not to have kids to feel happy about their decision. There's too much pressure on women to procreate. And so many people don't admit the truth. My answer to it all is simply biology. The biological instinct just causes you to keep going, to keep loving ( even if disliking sometimes).

For me, I discovered after having a little one that I had some awful health conditions. They kicked in severely post pregnancy. It's such a lottery that I do wonder why people aren't more cautious or afraid of having kids. I'm probably projecting alot here but I feel there's alot to be afraid of like having a child with severe disabilities, an awful temperament, becoming very unwell as a mum. I imagine most will say they don't feel like I do. My situation probably isn't the norm.

A mother's love is embedded in our biology when a child is born. It's a very strong bond if conditions are right. If they aren't, it might come later.

However, this bond only lasts until around age 4, and loosens off gradually.

The fact that big strapping teenagers still feed off mum (and perhaps dad) is a product of culture, expectations and social conditioning.

That makes sense to me when I'm angry with my often lazy, entitled and sometimes aggressive teenage son and want him to move out.