Childless by circumstance - we're not understood? MNers without children board

[Ruminate2much]

Does anyone else feel this?
I'm childless-not-by-choice; but it's circumstantial rather than biological. I feel many people don't understand how it could happen. That we could have made motherhood happen if we really tried? It's very naive to think that. As circumstances can be overwhelming. In my case trauma and mental illness making it extremely difficult to have relationships with men. Also poverty. Also, honestly a really strong conscience about wanting the absolute best for my children and working hard to put all that in place and maybe overthinking it?
I wanted to be a mother, and an exemplary one from the age of fifteen. But a set of circumstances conspired together resulting in unchosen childlessness. It's so painful, and honestly wasn't for lack of trying 😔

I have a friend who didn't find the right person to have children with. She's now approaching 60 and has been fostering teenagers for the last 10 years. It's a challenging and frequently thankless role but has answered her need to make a difference in a child's life. I think her most rewarding fostering has been with kids who want to make something of their lives but have a chaotic background. Being able to give them a quiet, safe space to study and move on with their lives is really rewarding. I think the sadness at not having her own kids is still there but she has made something good come out of it. I'm not saying this is a solution for everyone but there may be ways to incorporate children into your life if that's where the sadness lies.

I’m childless by biology but fully understand there are many ways a woman can be childless, it’s not as simple as didn’t want them/couldn’t have them. 💐

I’m childfree, so I have no personal experience of this but I do have a couple of friends who are childless by circumstance and I do have an aunt who wanted to have children but didn’t want to have a relationship, or live with, a man so she didn’t have children. One of my friends never met the right person, she had relationships with men she loved who didn’t love her, men she thought would be bad dads etc and she does get comments like ‘you should’ve just got pregnant anyway’ ‘just have a child with him and then split up’ etc so I think it’s not something that’s entirely understood and that has been hard for the friend I mentioned on top of the pain of not having a child.

I think for some people it’s maybe confusing because they/others they know also had circumstances against them, but still went ahead with pregnancies.

I think there’s a difficult line in the sand trying to draw morality or right/wrong about choices other people make.

I agree. I consider myself CF by choice, but that choice was made for reasons similar to those listed in the OP. Being CF by choice doesn't always mean it was an easy choice. It's painful for me too. Different people will have different perspectives on these things.

I think for me personally, the thing that made it very much not a choice (in my own personal case) is that I was actively trying to sort all my issues out, and really intentionally working hard to become a mother. I really was. Apart from all else, I quite simply haven't met the right man.
In terms of biological fertility, I've got no idea, as I was never in a position to find out. I always assumed I was fertile (no obvious issues) but of course you don't really know until you try...

To be clear - if I'd ever been pregnant (which I haven't) I'd definitely have gone ahead with the pregnancy. No question whatsoever. I could never make a different choice, as I'm a Christian. I say that without the slightest judgement of others.

Thank you for understanding.
I'm so sorry for your loss too

I'm childfree by choice, but completely see that all kinds of circumstantial reasons can conspire to leave someone childfree not by choice - it could be as simple as never finding the right man, or much more complex than that. It must be hard when others don't understand

I understand OP. It is hard when people can imply it's a choice to be childless when it really hasn't been- for example, you need to be having unprotected sex off contraception (in most cases) to get pregnant. If you either don't have a partner willing to try or don't have a partner at all, it's not exactly a choice.

It's a very lonely feeling.

I was TTC in a previous relationship but ex had MFI so it was impossible, we eventually found out, for us to have a baby.

Thank you. Yes, it's very difficult that people can't understand it. I know I'm not alone however.
Thank you for getting it x

Thank you.
Yes, it's very lonely.
I'm so sorry to hear your story too. It's so painful isn't it x

It's really hard, I'm childless by circumstance (LT chronic health issues) and never had a partner who would have been willing to pick up all the slack (fair enough) my health issues would have caused. I feel very isolated by it and I think it's hard for people to understand as most people don't see me at my worst, and although they would know I have health issues people probably see me as fairly functional.

Sending you sympathy and solidarity too!

I have actually been thinking about starting a thread on here so thank you for starting one :) x

I'm so sorry you're also going through this.
I know what you mean. I'm pretty good at disguising my mental health issues in public. Many people would never guess at the struggle I've had.
Take care x

I’m childless through infertility but I know a lot of women in your position OP xx

jody day has written a lot about this

https://gateway-women.com/the-invisible-grief-of-the-childless-by-circumstance-woman/

@Theeyeballsinthesky thank you so much. I'll definitely read that xx

If you Google "social infertility" there are some interesting articles about this.

Thank you. Social infertility is a good way to describe it...

I do understand your position, completely.

I also understand that other women perhaps make reckless or misguided choices, that lead them to a scenario that means ‘the choice is out of their hands.’

I hear you.
Im childless due to cancer and had no other option but to have a hysterectomy a year ago (a year ago today actually!).
Combination of never having a partner and long term chronic gyny issues made getting or staying pregnant impossible.

A close friend got pregnant at 18. At the time I thought she was making a mistake but my god I envy her now.

I know what you mean.
I definitely wanted the whole wholesome package - loving husband who'd be a great father; lovely cosy home etc. I definitely didn't think getting pregnant with a random bloke or via a sperm donor was an option at all. But, I wonder now...
I guess we can be somewhat comforted by the fact that we've been responsible and actually been very nurturing by wanting a brilliant start for our children x

Thankyou. It's such a hard situation to navigate. Try and be kind to yourself, we are all doing the best we can with the cards we have been dealt, but it's also ok to feel super sad/angry etc about it at times.

I could have wrote this...

I agree that it's hard to find acceptance.

MNers love to tout the "sperm donor route",
which for religious, cultural, ideological and financial reasons isn't a possibility for me.

Or the "childfree is amazing!" "i'd not have mine if I could do it again" message of how we should all be enjoying our freedom and living our best lives etc.

For me it is also not meeting the right man, and wanting the whole husband and (5!) kids from 15 too.

I'm open to adoption or fostering but not as a single parent. I'm 40 (just) and recently became chronically ill so it all feels impossible. No advice, just sympathy.

Thank you so much. Yes, sympathy and empathy much more valuable to me than advice at this point.
Yes, I'm over 40 now too, and definitely see it all in past tense now.
I'm working on accepting it. But, also scratch my head wondering how on Earth it could have happened?! Just how did I end up like this??? Living a life so different to the one I envisioned.
Yes, sperm donation was never an option for me. As mentioned above, I do sometimes wonder now... But, the fact is that I wouldn't have even vaguely thought about it at the time. Also religious, spiritual, financial etc. So I need to let that go.
I wanted to be a wife and mother.
You take care x