Childless by circumstance - we're not understood? MNers without children board

[Ruminate2much]

Does anyone else feel this?
I'm childless-not-by-choice; but it's circumstantial rather than biological. I feel many people don't understand how it could happen. That we could have made motherhood happen if we really tried? It's very naive to think that. As circumstances can be overwhelming. In my case trauma and mental illness making it extremely difficult to have relationships with men. Also poverty. Also, honestly a really strong conscience about wanting the absolute best for my children and working hard to put all that in place and maybe overthinking it?
I wanted to be a mother, and an exemplary one from the age of fifteen. But a set of circumstances conspired together resulting in unchosen childlessness. It's so painful, and honestly wasn't for lack of trying 😔

It feels a bit like betrayal, doesn't it? Especially when you have a belief in a good benevolent higher being who wants your good.

How did I get here?

And also, what now? Life was supposed to be filled with a family...I've tried hobbies, travel, volunteering, all the cliches but nothing feels "right". I was supposed to be a wife and mum right now. I feel like I'm living someone else's life. I feel like I'm at a turning point, as like you, I have to let go. But no idea what else I'm going to do with this one life here on earth.

Sorry...I hope I'm not making you feel worse!

Totally agree with your every word here.
No, you're not making me feel worse at all! You're making me feel better, as I feel less alone x

I understand that it isn’t as simple as didn’t want/not able and hear you.

Thanks. It's great to hear that more people than I thought understand it, even if they're not in the same situation themselves...

I'm childless by circumstance. I honestly thought that I'd just meet a man and fall in love and get married and have children, and it would be as simple as that. As simple as it seems to have been for others.

I dated soooooo many men during my 20s and 30s but just couldn't find a man that wanted me enough to settle down, and the ones that did seem to want to settle, I didn't want them enough. And I wasn't prepared to settle for a 'he'll do' kind of guy. Plus, two years of covid and coming out the other side staring 40 in the face just made me lose all confidence in myself as being desirable for men - who would want to have children with a 39 year old woman?

I'm not prepared to do the sperm-donor child on my own thing. It's interesting that it's always people with kids that say 'have you thought about having a child on your own?' and I always respond, 'would you do it?' And they often go, 'well, no...'. Because the truth is, it's really bloody hard being a parent when there's another person to rely on (however involved/half-hearted they may be at parenting), so I can only only imagine how much harder it is on your own.

Mainly, my childless by circumstance position was a finance and stability thing - I wasn't prepared to bring a child into the world if I didn't think I could give them a good life while also maintaining a decent quality of life for myself. I don't earn a lot of money so if I had a child, I'd basically have to quit working as I couldn't afford childcare.

But sometimes I wonder if there's also an element that I just didn't want kids enough. Like, if I really, really wanted them, I'd just do it anyway and make it work, irrespective of how poor/overworked/exhausted I was.

Either way, I'm slowly coming to terms with how things have turned out and trying to work out what my purpose in life will be without children (aside from being an amazing auntie to my sister and friend's kids).

As previous posters have mentioned, Jody Day is great. Start following her and she'll open your eyes to a whole group of women out there in the same boat as you. It's definitely made me feel less alone.

(soz for the delayed reply on this thread - don't check MN that often!)

@dentsdubonheur thank you so much for sharing.
A very thoughtful post.

Yes this is me op, well not exact but I get it. I had an extremely violent upbringing, it took until about 35 to not constantly jump in the air when someone touched me, took until 40 to realise my spiky personality is to keep people away etc.

I would have not played roulette with a child’s life, I so so would have loved a daughter but I just can’t take the risk that that upbringing hasn’t left me capable of causing damage. Also it’s affected me socially - found it hard to be close to partners, friends, colleagues think I’m a twat.

Also female colleagues really hate women they assume just ‘couldn’t be arsed to have kids’ I noticed, has anyone else ever been tempted to say they’re infertile because then they’re kinder? I’ve refused to as I think it would not be right. But I refuse to discuss such a horrible topic at work as in well my parents nearly killed us all so if kind of put me off. Thanks for this thread op.

@Noselikeabluetit gosh, that was a hard read. I'm so sorry you have had such an awful experience. How altruistic and selfless you've been. Very motherly in itself.
As you say, your circumstances and mine have been quite different; but it just goes to show how many different experiences and circumstances can lead to unchosen childlessness. There's no blueprint.
You take lots of care. I wish you so much joy and peace.

@Ruminate2much thank you, sorry I did go off on one a bit there, I just get so sad and fed up sometimes about it all.

Thank you so much x

Oh gosh, you don't need to apologise at all. Bless you. I only meant it's difficult to think of anyone having such a hard time growing up.
I wish you so much healing and happiness.
I wish that for everyone on this thread, and a Happy Easter to you all too x

I'm CF by choice but I can see that wanting DC and not having them is a great sadness for you and several other posters. I admire that you made a very moral decision Op, you wanted to give a child the best life and you didn't feel able to do that, so you stayed childless. Too many people want a child and will have them under any circumstance because that's what they want, ultimately it's the child who suffers for that.
Happy Easter to you too

Thank you so much for your kind words. Though, to be honest, it wasn't a decision at all. It's more that everything just took so much time! What I mean is - I suffered trauma and that led to mental health issues, which led to poverty. It's taken so much time to recover from from all those things (still haven't, but slowly making progress) then really struggled to form relationships with men, blah de blah! One thing after another. It's all taken so much time to sort all that out to be in the place to be the perfect mother that I wanted to be; and time waits for no woman, and nor do our reproductive systems it seems.
Choice had literally nothing to do with it. Apart from the fact that I didn't make a choice to go down the sperm donor route. Couldn't for reasons mentioned above - moral, financial etc.
I think if time had slowed down, and I'd had have had more support; I would have got there. C'est la vie.
I'm over 40 now and perimenopausal.
I guess these things are so incredibly complex.
To be honest though, I do sometimes wonder if I over thought it, and strove too much for perfection? But, then I remember how deeply unwell and poor I was in my twenties and thirties, and not sure there's more I could have done at the time.
I know how important it was for me that any children of mine had a wonderful life. I guess I need to cling to that. With time I could have got there; and think/hope I could have been a great mother who gave them them a brilliant start.
I think that's why @Noselikeabluetit 's post was such a painful read - to think there are people in the world (like her parents) who knowingly deliberately do such harm as parents is an intolerable thought, when some of us would have given our right arms for the chance to be mothers. An unjust world.
I have to say, I greatly admire women like you too, who chose to be child free and didn't give in to societal pressure. Not always easy.
Very best wishes.

@Ruminate2much Thank you and you too! x 😊

From that article someone posted above https://gateway-women.com/the-invisible-grief-of-the-childless-by-circumstance-woman/

@carerneedshelp