Need to vent

[Glazzy]

(New colleague) How many do you have?"
"Oh, none, I don't have any children."
"Ohhh <sad face with tilt> I'm so sorry I shouldn't have assumed. My sister had several miscarriages before she had her two, I completely understand. You know you could always adopt?"

1 - she assumed I wanted kids
2 - she shared pretty private info about her sister
3 - adoption is NOT some easily back up plan B to infertility

I'm not infertile, I've never had a miscarriage and I do not want children.

The whole 'have you thought about adoption' line gets trotted out like no one else in the world has ever bloody heard of adoption. Pretty sure everyone is aware of its existence.

Of course I couldn't say any of this, because I didn't want to make her feel awkward 😐

Vent away. What an awful response on so many levels.

What did you say in return? You didn't want her to feel awkward but surely saying that you never wanted children is OK?

I agree. It’s trotted out as though adopting a child is an easy formality - just go along to the child rehoming centre and pick one out.

What a dick. That shouldn't have even been a conversation. Sorry OP, some people are just idiots.

You're much nicer than me @Glazzy I would have made her feel very awkward indeed and done it with absolute relish. 😛

Because adoption is SO easy, isn't it? I know you wanted to spare her feelings but in your place I'd be telling her I never wanted children anyway. For some reason that leaves people fighting for something to say, while you walk off.

I like to turn this one around by saying, “oh, I’ve wanted the chance to talk to someone with experience of adopting - did you find it really gruelling?”

They always splutter and say no no they didn’t adopt, at which point if I’m feeling really peeved I might ask them why they didn’t, as they seem to regard it so positively that they’re recommending it to others.

It’s arsey but it might help some consider why they regard adoption as a consolidation prize for the childless and not for the likes of themselves.

You should just literally say I dont want kids.

She's managed to come up with a response that's offensive to both the childfree and childless.

I think it would be OK to say, in a work situation, calmly 'Oh, I've never wanted children'.

That's nothing to what you'd probably like to have said, I'm sure.

I've had similar conversations.

I reply completely deadpan "I don't like children. I chose not to have children. It's extremely rude of you to make assumptions"

So many answers to think up when not on the spot!

"What on earth makes you think I'd want children?"

"I'd rather have kittens/puppies"

"I'd sooner stick a fork in my eye"

Or the one I used when some witless random said "But don't you want babieeees" when I said I was happily single (at 47, mind) - "The child I have will be the next King of France or I'm not having it."

Simple answer isn't it? I wouldn't have a problem because it's a perfectly valid position but perhaps i'm ignorant to other people feeling this would lead to an awkward conversation.

@LeaderBee So do you find you can say this and there's no comeback?

OP I had exactly the experience you had, it seems to have stopped now that I don't meet new people. I've moved to a new area and will have to do some meeting people - groan - and I really hope I don't have to face these comments again. I want to ask them why on earth they don't recognise some people just don't want kids, it's not complicated!

i once got told at work "you don't want kids? I never saw you as the selfish type". She apologised, mostly because everyone gasped in horror.

I was chatting to the owner of a bakery today - someone who has kids and, I would think, grandkids - and she was shaking her head at the thought of people being so bloody rude, judgemental and ignorant when someone simply mentions not having and/or not wanting kids. I was thinking of this thread while getting a bit of local solidarity!

Next time call them out. The once I was offered some fireworks for sale at supermarket kiosk. Their reply to.my, no thanks I haven't got children, was never mind. I was silent. After I could have kicked myself.

"Oh, I don't mind. I'm extremely grateful."

(©️20/20 Hindsight Comments, Pty Ltd)

UGH so horrible. I’m so embarrassed for her 🤣🤣🤣

Best reply is always why do you want to know?
It turns the question back onto them and they have to justify being nosey.

I have used loads of different replies to this, depending on who I'm talking to, what mood I'm in, and the setting. They range from never wanted kids, I prefer my cats, my sister has had my share, through to I like kids but couldn't eat a whole one right up to a look of horror and "you MUST be joking, nasty expensive PITAs". Actually I would be an absolutely dreadful parent, I've never met anyone who I'd want to have kids with, and I'm far too selfish & set in my ways.

I also refer to it as my contribution to saving the planet from overpopulation.

Honestly, I don't have kids but I do like Children… they’re funny. One of my main concerns with having my own is the fact I’ll become a parent… and parenting seems to have this odd effect on some people where they just make this type of comment… the ‘this must be the way the world is because it’s how my world is’!

I don't use this because while I think it's nosy, I like to emphasise that I didn't want kids.

Love this - the copyright bit made me chuckle.

My usual response is ' I got sterilised at 30 as I've never wanted kids '
The shock on their faces is priceless

@EmmaEmerald Yep, absolutely no repercussions for outright saying I don't want children.

I wonder if its because I am a man? Obviously seeing many of the women here expressing their experience of this, perhaps im experiencing male privilege?

I think it is male privilege because my husband never gets any negativity, it's either a neutral response, or more often, a positive response. I get lots of negative responses from being told my husband will probably leave me accompanied by a sympathetic heartily all the way through to being told 'you might as well just kill yourself'.

Yes, I guess that might be it. Sad that people still have such mad ideas.