Childfree: ever felt the 'biological clock' despite NOT wanting kids?

[TedMullins]

This is a weird one. I've never wanted kids, ever since I was a child myself. I've always been very vehement about it, I can only think of negatives about parenting at any stage, I don't want to change my indulgent lifestyle, I like and need sleep more than the average person (mild to moderate CFS) I've never found babies or toddlers cute and still don't, I've had an accidental pregnancy and had an abortion with absolutely no regrets (and still no regrets, just relief 10 years down the line). When I see friends announce a pregnancy or talk about their parenthood experiences the only emotion I feel is "thank the lord that isn't me". There are absolutely NO pangs of anything except abject terror. I could go on.

So, WHY do I feel like my womb is trying to trick me into thinking I want kids? I'm 34, so I guess it's the prime time for it to kick in, but for the first time in my life I get a few days to a week during my cycle when I have this weird feeling. Let me reiterate – on an emotional, rational, practical level, I absolutely DO NOT want kids. I'm as certain as I can be that I'd regret it. But I get this feeling that I can only describe as emanating directly from my uterus, it's like it takes over my brain and tries to dull and soften those feelings and think 'maybe it wouldn't be that bad' and it's like my uterus just physically wants to be growing a human? I don't know how else to articulate it. It's freaking me out and I don't like it. I'm starting to think the only solution is to try and get sterilised to stop be doing something I know I'd regret (sterilisation is something I've thought about since my 20s but not actively pursued due to all the stories of women being turned down).

How can I deal with this? I don't want kids! I feel like I don't even want my womb at the moment as it's messing with my head. Anyone else had this weird duality going on?

It's emanating from your brain, not your uterus. The term "biological clock" in relation to women's fertility was coined by a journalist and has no scientific basis in that regard. The only scientific meaning it has is in relation to circadian rhythms.

It doesn't feel like my brain though. It feels like my hormones, because the feeling only lasts about a week a month. The rest of the time I'm back to my usual self.

Broodiness hormones are created by the brain (hypothalamus and pituitary gland).

But regardless of where they're coming from - they're here and they're unsettling. I've never felt the 'biological clock' per se but every so often I'd see men with children and feel a really weird, like, "oh my God, I want THAT". And I'm gay, so that made it feel even weirder. I no longer have a uterus and it still happens - it's bloody bizarre.

I think the brain is a powerful thing and the important thing, I guess, is that you're able to be logical about it and not driven by it. It might feel like it's in control of you, but from the sound of your post, it's clear that you know what you want and you're not going to be swayed by all of this.

I can't blame you for being freaked out by it, though. It's a weird feeling, to feel like you're not fully in control of your own body or thoughts or feelings. I try to liken it to the feeling I get when I'm standing on something high and my brain goes, "you should jump off". Or when I'm chopping vegetables and my brain goes... well, I won't finish that sentence, but it's bizarre and creepy.

Thank you, this is reassuring and articulates it very well. It is similar to that feeling of “I could jump off this balcony”, it does feel like a loss of control. I’m just worried in case it manages to brainwash me and I know someone will probably say “well if that happened what would be so bad about having a baby? You can change your mind about not wanting kids” etc but trust me…it would be bad. It’s just not a life I want. My dad’s mother never wanted kids and fucked up his childhood and mental health with her abusive and neglectful parenting so I’ve seen an extreme example of what happens when people who don’t want kids, have kids. I’m not saying I’d be like that, I like to think if I somehow ended up with one I’d try and be a decent parent but who knows? I don’t want to try! Early menopause runs in my mum’s family and I find myself really hoping it’ll happen to me

Not exactly, but I did have a 'serious think' before my hysterectomy - a 'there is no going back now' sort of moment. I was desperate for the hysterectomy and in my early 40s so beyond the age when most people would think of having children, but I was conscious of a sense of finality.

I also don't believe in the bilogical clock. I believe it's psychological because of expectations by others.

I am few years older than you. The only wobbles were based on families who while supportive of our decision had few moments... One relative on DH's side who he grew up with sad, my mum was sad but made sure I knew it was not a pressure on me, but was sad because my sibling had number of unsuccessful IVF rounds with few false starts (4th for a win!).
These were the only times I had a wobble. Because people were telling my mum how sad ahe won't be a GM and so on.

But myself? No itch at all. It might come but I very strongly doubt that. I also like mys sleep, less than 7 hours makes me cranky. I also like my peace

Yes.

Plus I think it’s perfectly understandable to be aware, even subliminally, that some decisions are time-sensitive. Even if you are completely at ease with your decision never to have children, you’re still aware at some level that a choice turns into a past choice that can’t be altered at some point.

Absolutely expectations exist in wider society but I've never felt this from anyone close to me. Even my mum tells me not to have kids as she thinks I'd hate it and I wouldn't be suited to it (not in a nasty way, I totally agree with her and I'm glad she 'gets' me). Partner's parents have never mentioned it to him, I've only met them two or three times so don't have a close enough relationship for them to talk about such topics with me. Only one of my friends has kids, the rest are childfree. There is no pressure or expectation in my life to succumb to parenthood. So I think it is coming from within me, I just wish it wasn't there!

Never! I'm 39 and I've never, ever felt it.

I am, however, very very kitten broody. It's a real problem.

I never wanted kids and was happily child free. didn't have a maternal bone in my body, but had the same thing as you happen - I gave into the feeling and we had our son when I was 39, and despite my fears of being a similar parent to my mum who was shall we say 'authoritarian' I am nothing like her; and maybe this is not what you want to hear, but it is the best thing that I've ever done - and I had a great life up until then, with lots of travel, had a book published, got a PhD and we generally had a lovely life; but he has enhanced it in so many ways.

If you do decide to go for it, then my advice would be to stick with one - I know a fair few families with just one kid and we have a much calmer experience than what I observe with multi-child families. With one, after the first few intense years are over, you have more chance to be yourself not too tied down in the domestic drudgery that I think is inevitable with more than one. Best wishes for whatever you decide.

Thank you, I'm very glad it worked out for you. Nice to hear stories from all sides and experiences.

Lucky you! I wasn't expecting it at all. Haha, I know the feeling. I have two dogs and want more. I find them enough of a chore sometimes though as much as I love them, and they are the type of dogs that will join me for a 4-hour nap in the middle of the day, so don't think that's a great indicator of my suitability for parenthood...

I started ttc at 29 and had accepted by 40 that it wasn't going to happen (though it took a bit longer to feel positive about it as I now do) and I never had the biological clock sensation.

maybe this is not what you want to hear, but it is the best thing that I've ever done - and I had a great life up until then, with lots of travel, had a book published, got a PhD and we generally had a lovely life; but he has enhanced it in so many ways.

Why did you feel the need to post anything beyond "maybe this is not what you want to hear"? Because given the OP's opening post, everything beyond it was spectacularly unhelpful. OP isn't trying to 'decide' anything - she's trying to get advice from other people who don't want kids on how to deal with the messaging she's getting from her brain.

Sorry, OP, you've been very tactful but aurghhhhh!

Funnily enough I'd say that NOT having children has been the best thing I've ever done - because I didn't inflict me as a mother on a child that didn't deserve it. It's only in late middle age I'm coming to terms with my upbringing and its effect on me, so I would have been wholly unprepared in my 20s and 30s.

Plus the fact that exh shouldn't have his genes reproduced anyway.

OP, I can relate SO MUCH! I've known since I was a teenager that having children was not for me, and in my gut that has never changed. And yet ..... I spent a good ten years absolutely agonising over the decision. It really felt like a very painful loss that I had to grieve for a long time. There was definitely a big part of me that was crying out for a family of my own - my relationships with my birth family are a real mess, and I think I was desperate to create my own family as a way of healing from that trauma

I'll never know how much was hormones, or societal expectations, or any other factors, but it was INTENSE. I'm nearly 44 now and definitely won't be having children, and these days I'm about 90% profoundly grateful for that, with about 10% sadness / wistfulness thrown in

'Funnily enough I'd say that NOT having children has been the best thing I've ever done'

Absolutely love this, and thank you for saying it. We hear all the time from people who say that having kids was the best thing they've ever done, it's just so great to hear the alternative perspective

But I was very happily childfree and then went through what the OP is going through - I dealt with it by giving into the messaging from my brain 😂

The OP even said 'Nice to hear stories from all sides and experiences' so no need to police the thread!

I’m open to all experiences and responses - in fact reading your response made me feel more certain that I won’t be giving in to my brain/hormones and that isn’t what I want so I guess it helped in some way!

Great, I'm glad to have inadvertently helped solidify your thinking :) That's the great thing about Mumsnet, it's not just an echo chamber!

I will use that when I bugger off to parenting boards 😁

I have DC, I don't want anymore but wvery month my hormones make me DESPERATE to get pregnant. It must be before I ovulate and it's just nature. I Don't want anymore kids now but before ovulation I always feel a desperate "need", it goes away after 2 days.

Sorry what are you on about, is this supposed to be some kind of 'gotcha'? People are free to post wherever they want, if you want to bugger off to the parenting boards for whatever reason then go for it , don't think anyone would bat an eyelid 😂

It's just your hormones doing what hormones do. Humans are amazingly sophisticated but sometimes the way we work isn't as straightforward as it should be.

I wanted kids but I was still surprised at that hormonal voice in my head.

This is very interesting to read, smug told-you-so parent aside.

I have never wanted children, and have known this since I was a very little girl. I'm now nearly 50, so past childbearing age, and have never wavered at all.

Which is why it's so interesting to read other childfree people's different experiences.

No, but I had a total radical hysterectomy in my 20s.
Cats, dogs and birds are all the things that lure me into brooding…