Can I give up on my dream?

[Stanno]

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years now. I am 41 and he is 36 and we are engaged to be married next summer. 5 months ago, after a year of trying with no success we discovered that due to radiotherapy in his 20s, there is only a slim chance of him fathering a baby.

After a meeting with an IVF doctor alone she said that there was still a chance and I delighted in this. Until yesterday.

Yesterday he announced that he is not ready to start IVF and he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be ready. He suffered a lot of trauma in his teenage years (that I am only just finding out about now) and this has always affected his decision making. He seeks stability (due to a lack of it in childhood) and worries that a baby will change everything, and in a negative way.

He says that there are 3 options. 1) we mutually agree to split up 2) I give up my dreams of having a baby and decide that he is enough for me, or 3) he goes through with IVF despite not wanting to yet and risks a breakdown because he’s been forced into it.

Hes suggested couples counselling as he wants to deal with his childhood trauma and wants me to be a part of it, and I feel that as we love each other I owe it to him to try and help him. He hopes that it’ll make him realise he is ready.

I feel completely lost. I feel that I owe it to myself to try for a baby, even if it is alone but I run the risk of losing him and ending up with nothing as successful IVF at my age is risky. Or I decide that he is enough yet risk waking up at 50 regretting my decision and resenting him.

My friends are great and have listened to my worries, but all know me and tell me that I wanted my dream before meeting my partner so can’t give them up for him. They all have much more belief that I could do this alone and not mess it up.

I’m hoping people that don’t know me can offer me pearls of wisdom!

I think individual, rather than couples, counselling would be a great idea for you.

I was always ambivalent about children; I think I could have been persuaded by the right partner, but I didn’t find one. But even though it was never my dream, and I have a good life without children, there are still moments of “what if…”, “am I really too old…” etc. (I am content with being childfree 99.9% of the time, though!)

To me, it sounds like your worst option would be to do IVF with your partner unless he has a sudden and genuine change of heart. So you have two options: stay with him and accept you won’t have children, or leave and go it alone as a lone parent.

But I don’t think it will be an easy choice, sadly.

@AllegroConMoto is spot on. Forgetting all the periphery information - he doesn't want a child, you do. You have a relatively short period of time to decide so individual counselling/therapy is both key and urgent.

Having been through IVF this year all I can say is that unless he is 100% on board it would not be a good idea to go through it with him.
As it will be you going through the hardest parts (we are male factor too, but trust me; it is still the woman who has it hardest!) you need a good support system around you. My DH was hugely supportive at every step, but I still had moments where I resented him and felt like it would be easier to walk away.
So it just isn’t practical to think that you could go through IVF and be HIS support system if he suffers a breakdown.

I tortured myself with the decision of sticking with DH and giving up on having the child I’d always longed for or staying with him and carving out a new CF life and I decided to stick with him, but I would be lying if I said there isnt days that I woke up and still have a little niggle thinking I could just walk away and either find someone who isn’t infertile or go it alone with a donor, and I have a little more time to play with than you do as I am 34, I am VERY aware that I may actually find myself walking away in a few years when my clock ticks louder!

Sorry it’s not really great advice, but I do think you don’t really have the luxury of time to have counciling and wait for him to be ready, you just need to decide if you want to take a chance on going it alone with the risk that it doesn’t work and you lose him, or take a chance on him with the risk that he may one day leave and it will be too late for you to try for a baby.

Its a shitty situation and I really feel for you, I hope you manage to find a solution that brings you peace ❤️

I don't know how helpful my perspective will be @Stanno but I'm childfree with a DH who can't have children.

I'm very happy and have a lovely, full life. My DH and I are very close and we have interests and hobbies both together and separately.

I wouldn't change anything about my life.

It is entirely possible to have a happy, fulfilled, busy life without children.

Hi OP - you might find the perspectives on this thread useful, about reconciling yourself to being 'childfree' rather than feeling 'childless'. I agree with previous posters that going through IVF when your partner isn't keen would be the worst of your three options.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/childfree-mumsnetters/4822862-childless-to-childfree

OP, at 41 your chances of IVF success with your own eggs are not high - did the IVF doctor explain this to you?

We also had male factor. We did IVF when I was in my mid-late 30s but I responded extremely poorly to the drugs that are supposed make you produce lots of eggs, and was eventually told I had premature ovarian failure. Like a pp we decided to accept being childfree and we are now very happy. And Like that pp I would not change anything about my life.

Male factor infertility for DH too, we were offered IVF but I was on the fence about having kids so had zero motivation to go through IVF!

I love my life, genuinely very happy and I think if I had kids, I'd not be as content as I am.

I feel that if you've always wanted kids and feel something is missing then you need to pursue that. And you don't want to end up resenting your partner.

There's no wrong or right, but you have to know your own feelings and you know deep down if you really want a baby or not.