Differences between nannying & parenting

[Lizita]

I'm not sure if I'm putting this in the right section, but here goes...

No real reason for asking this, just been wondering about it. Me & my dd sometimes hang out with my nanny friend & her friends and the children they look after, and it seems to me that the other children are so much more confident and independent than my dd. I do know that as well as a personality difference it'll partly be because a) they're a bit older than dd and b) they have come into a lot more contact with other children. But have also been wondering, do you think children with nannies or childminders are encouraged more to be independent? Or if being separated for that long from their parents helps this? My nanny friend is very keen on fostering independence and confidence in the children she looks after, and that's great - sometimes I feel inadequate next to her!

But then, and I don't really know how to put this without possibly offending a nanny or childminder, my relationship with my dd feels a lot more closer and bonded.
Is it that as parents we are so afraid of indavertently rejecting our child if we encouraged independence? Or is it that nannies & childminders don't feel...well, that inexplicable feeling that you have as a parent! (My nanny friend says she can't imagine loving a child more than she loves the children she looks after! I beg to differ. )

Would be interested to read what you all think, particularly nannies/childminders who then became parents! I do know that my nanny friend has a few nanny friends who became parents and she says: "They were really good nannies, very organised, on time, but as soon as they became mothers it all went to pieces, they were always late and disorganised!" One nanny i knew who was pg said to me "I think it'll be easy - I already know how to do everything." oooh how wrong she was!!

I have been a nanny for over five years and since have my D who is nearly one! I would say that yes, nannies do make children more independant in some ways but mummies give greater self esteem. Of all the children I have cared for my D seems to be the most content with herself.

Sorry for being silly earlier,you honestly sound a lovely nanny and were clearly appreciated by the families you worked for.

My mum came from a well off background and her first job was as a dental nurse on a rough estate. She couldnt understand why people said everyone was poor as the children kept speaking to their nannies. My mum's american and had never heard the term used for a grandparent before.

lol hercules. Reminds me of a friend of mine who when she first went on the dole, was delighted with her first dole cheque and went and spent it all. She couldn't understand why on earth people complained about the amount. I was a bit astounded and asked to see the paperwork (which of course she hadn't bothered to read properly), and had to ever so gently explain that this amount was in fact, not for a day, as she'd supposed, but for 2 weeks, and no, there wouldn't be another one for the same amount arriving tomorrow...

I know it's naughty but I'm stealing 'woffle'.

I think to some extent the difference between a nanny and a parent (and this is entirely my own thoughts from my own experiences) is that a good nanny has chosen to care for children as her career, so it's a very conscious choice, and looking after children is something that she (or he) is good at.

Becoming a parent is mostly a choice (baring accidents) too, but I don't think many of us (and certainly not me!) weigh up whether we will be good at it as the primary part of the decision.

I chose to have a nanny because I thought that the children would be happier with someone who wanted to be with them all the time, and who thought that was a fun thing to do, than with me who longed for adult company and the stimulation I get from working.

I've met mums who are adamant that they wouldn't have a nanny (or childminder) look after their child, and would therefore choose a nursery, as they didn't want any other single "mother" figure becoming so important to their child.

Personally, and I have worked as a nanny for over five yrs... I wouldn't have either a nanny/au pair or send my D to a nursery. I do think they have thier advantages but I think it's a huge risk to take if you choose the wrong one and this has to be nmo fault of your own.
I'm sure there are some lovely nurseries out there but the ones i've seen have been pretty dire.
I'm her mum and no one can love her and care for her the way I do. Yes, there are times when I need to have a break and a cuppa but then a nanny feels like that too! The point is I carried her for nine months, longed for her for years and have cared for her for the best part of a year. I know her inside out and I know what she wants and needs and thats her mummy at home with her!

Well I would like to stay home with my dd but as a single parent I want to go to university so I can get a good job and look after us both one day! I don't think the nursery I am considering is 'dire'.

I don't think everyone has a choice in the matter.

How lovely, Pol25, to be in that privileged position - that you can afford to be a SAHM. As Weesaidie says, some of us don't have the choice. Or perhaps I should give up work and go on benefits?

don't rise to it, tanzie, it's not worth it.

Now Pol25 how about you play nicely... elsewhere.

I always remember one of my baby son's carers giving him a book titled 'where's my mummy'. It was about a little puppy on a farm who had lost his mummy, asking various mummy farm animals - muummy pig, mummy hen etc etc - and being rejected by each in turn till he found his one and only true mummy - mummy dog of course.

The carer made a big thing about giving him the book. This gift was bought into conversation many times. Strangely she was the only one of my son's carers I have every fallen out with....

I have to go to work although having spent nearly 3 weeks with 2 kids I realise there is no way on this earth I could possible be a sahm mum.

I need a break! It is relentless and hard work.
So it's all lovely and snuggly to be with your kids all day every day I'm sure but I cant do this unless I go on benefits and go insane.

I have recently returned to work. It was not a decision I took lightly and the decision was purely financial. Either I returned to work or we didn't eat and we couldn't pay school fees. DH has now been offered some consultancy work, however this isn't stable so I don't feel confident giving up my job (although I would absolutely love to be a SAHM).

DS1 is 4 (he goes to school in the mornings), DS2 is 11 months. We have decided that the only way forward is to get a nanny. Having read this thread I am feeling very anxious about this.

Please tell me that this isn't the worst solution ever and that my kids are not going to suffer.

Before reading this thread I was confident that a nanny was the right solution. DS1 went to a CM full time from the age of 22 months. He adored her and she him - I know it was her job but she cried harder than anybody when we left England. She still sends him little parcels and letters.

I so wish I hadn't look at this thread now

wtf are those angry reactions to Pol25's posts about? she is expressing her personal experiences and not (as far as I can see) judging anyone else's choices. why are you giving her such a hard time? maybe I am missing something... but she seems pretty well qualified to make her comments to me.

Where do you live dejags?
I have kids the same age as you and am an sahm (my dh is a consultant here in Turkey.)I would love to go to work but am worried about leaving my kids with people(have given up a very rewarding career in the UK) who don't speak Weslh (which we speak at home) or even English.
Dh can't understand my reticence.

Dejas,
My sanity depends on holding down my job. And holding down my job depends on my nanny. We have a new one as I just returned from maternity leave. She is very good so far. Th ekids are happy. I am happy. And so far I think the nanny is happy too. So, yes, there are happy nanny stories.

Dejags, a new thread is a good idea. There are plenty of people who will give you lots of very positive nanny experiences.
The fact that you are feeling so suggests you need, for the sake of your sanity, that you need to look at the situation again.
If you were happy with the decision before, and you have been through all the choices, then you perhaps just need to go through them again, and make sure you are happy with all of the steps.
You know what is best for your family, you know your own financial and personal circumstances, and you should trust your own instincts.
And nothing is set in stone - you can always reconsider if your circumstances change.

Dejags
Agree with the others - some of us don't have the choice. I have had a nanny for the last number of years and though we have had our differences over the last few months I couldn't have done it without her. My kids were previously going to nursery and after school club and it drove me crazy having to do the dropping off, picking up - house always in a heap. Women should not feel guilty or be made to feel guilty because they chose to work. My children are well grounded and I spend every other waking moment with them. Fortunately I have the opportunity now of working part time - something I have never had the luxury of and am looking forward to it.

Dejags - hth

Just to add that I want to be able to leave my kids so that I can get a life!
Don't know why I feel so odd about it now as dd was in a nursery in UK f/t from 7 mths to 3 1/2.

Must be to do with the fact I'm abroad and feel a bit more vulnerable.