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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Another mum just told me that my CM is cr*p. Help!

43 replies

lukewarmcupoftea · 21/05/2010 13:52

Oh dear, another mum just came up to me in the park and said she was a little concerned about my CM. She attends the same toddler group as the one the CM takes my girls (2.9 and 11 months) to, and said that every week the CM just basically sits there chatting with her friend and ignoring the children. She said last week my 11 month old was sitting behind her chair, having a drink (i.e. not in front of her with the toys) and then later found her crawling up a side corridor that leads to the toilets. The mum who told me this wasn't being nasty, she was concerned and was genuinely trying to help - and of course I would want someone to tell me of any concerns.

To be honest, if I was at toddler group with them, then I do just let them get on with it. But I do spend a bit of time playing with toys with the little one, and doing the crafts with the older one. And I hope I would notice if DD2 crawled out of the room effectively!

Otherwise, the CM seems great. She always does loads of stuff with DD1, painting etc. Occasionally she does something that makes me a bit (like I only found out her cats had been sleeping in the cot some months after DD1 had started on an inhaler for breathing issues....!), but then no CM is going to look after your children the same way that you do. She's had DD1 for about 2 years now, and DD2 for a couple of months, and they both seem pretty happy there.

I'm tempted to just ignore what this other mum said, but its niggling at me. I'm tempted to spy on them for a day to see what she's like when I'm not around, but that's just plain daft. What do you think I should do?

OP posts:

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AndieWalsh · 21/05/2010 13:55

To be honest, I would be worried if another mum actually made a point of coming and telling me she was worried.

And re: caats sleeping in the child's cot. This is totally wrong. Does she have no basic awareness of health and safety?

Chandra · 21/05/2010 13:57

"like I only found out her cats had been sleeping in the cot some months after DD1 had started on an inhaler for breathing issues....!"

Bloody hell! I will take my children out of there like a flash if I find a cat was sleeping at the cot with my baby.

I think that is only natural to mind your own business and most mums will turn a blind eye to child minders' small sins, but when someone gets the courage to come and talk to you about it... well, I would be tempted to investigate further... for another childminder..

Original poster

lukewarmcupoftea · 21/05/2010 13:59

I know. On the one hand, if this mum reckons something isn't right, then there's clearly an issue. On the other hand, I've been using her for 2 years and have only had 2 incidents where I've been really annoyed (the cat thing being one of them). I'm just wondering if I'm really naieve (sp?), or whether my basic instinct that she's a good CM is right (and the girls love her to bits).

OP posts:

Original poster

lukewarmcupoftea · 21/05/2010 14:01

No no, the cat wasn't in at the same time!! Just had been sleeping there beforehand, iyswim. So a bit hairy and icky, and really not good for an incredibly allergic child who now has asthma.

OP posts:

cravingcroissants · 21/05/2010 14:01

IMO a CM should be looking after your children the same way that you do in that she shouldn't be letting animals sleep in their cots and should not be letting them crawl off unnoticed. This is what you're paying her for.

AppleTreeWick · 21/05/2010 14:02

I would be concerned. (about the cats thing I mean seriously and the fact that someone else was concerned enough to raise the issue with you).

You can raise the playgroup issue quite nicely by letting her know that you know someone who attends the group maybe. The big bro "you are being watched and judged" is implicit so maybe you wouldn't need to be too explicit?

But you are employing the CM. And if you are comfortable being direct with her then you should just say that DD2 needs to be supervised at all times and that you are concerned that she wasn't on this occassion.

Chandra · 21/05/2010 14:03

Talk to her and see how she reacts, for some people it is fine to ignore the children and let them entertain themselves. However, if she is not even keeping an eye on them when she is out... what can you expect when she is on her own?

Original poster

lukewarmcupoftea · 21/05/2010 14:04

Yes, I definately need to talk to her don't I? Its just so hard to carry out a serious conversation with 2 children hanging off me, and others running around. Hmmm.

OP posts:

Chandra · 21/05/2010 14:10

Just read your child has asthma...

As a mum of an astmathic child, this is my view...

"No no, the cat wasn't in at the same time!! Just had been sleeping there beforehand, iyswim. So a bit hairy and icky, and really not good for an incredibly allergic child who now has asthma."

It's equally bad sorry, actually, and the fact that your child is allergic makes it even worse. I wouldn't leave my asthmatic child on a daily basis with ANYONE who had a cat. Once in a blue moon, no problem, regularly... no way, too much for his poor lungs.

Get another childminder, distractions you can ignore but cat in bed + "incredibly allergic child", just don't go together.

Original poster

lukewarmcupoftea · 21/05/2010 14:19

We have a cat at home, so perhaps not quite as bad as you're making out Chandra. There's plenty of evidence to suggest that you become used to your own pet and it doesn't continue to affect your allergies or asthma (although it may trigger them in the first place, buts its too late by then!).

Anyway, this was about a year ago, and obviously doesn't happen any more. Its more the niggle of what this mum said that is worrying me. A relationship with a CM is based on trust, and if that trust starts to erode, its very difficult to continue. But I don't want to move the girls for something that may not be as bad as this mum made out, as DD1 especially would be distraught.

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goldenticket · 21/05/2010 14:27

I think I would just say something like "someone mentioned that they found dd2 halfway to the toilets on her own on Tuesday (or whenever). Can you please make sure the girls are supervised properly at all times at toddler group please" and leave it at that. She's got the message that people will tell you if she's slacking and your DDs will be better supervised - a win win. I do think it's hard to keep an eye on two children at these groups sometimes but she probably just needs a reminder that less chatting is preferable and what you expect.

Original poster

lukewarmcupoftea · 21/05/2010 14:35

Thanks goldenticket - I find confrontation so hard, and get even more emotional when its my own children, so very helpful to have an idea of how to say something!

Another thing that's just occurred to me - I remember the CM saying that this particular morning at the toddler group, DD1 and the other mindee who is the same age spent ages sitting in the book corner reading books together. So its not like DD1 was running around being a nightmare or anything (in fact she rarely is, she's really easy to look after bless her), so she didn't have any reason not to be keeping an eye on DD2. And its a pretty small group as well. OK, am taking the kids off out now, will continue to mull this over. I just can't decide in my mind whether its a little thing or a big thing.

OP posts:

Chandra · 21/05/2010 14:36

"We have a cat at home, so perhaps not quite as bad as you're making out Chandra. "

Then perhaps your child is not as allergic as you're making out? Sorry, my son reacts badly to cats, but not so bad as other asthmatic persons I know, who are so sensitive that exposure will trigger an asthma attack (one had one in my house even when we didn't have cats, but the previous owner did). In under such circumstances, I wouldn't leave a child in a place that has a cat, much less so if the cat is allowed to sleep near to where my child sleeps.

But each to their own...

Chandra · 21/05/2010 14:36

BTW... I'm not saying that your child is not allergic, but that perhaps he is not so sensitive as other asthmatic people.

sunshiney · 21/05/2010 14:44

Hmmmm...it's not ok to spend the whole time at the playgroup chatting. You pay her to keep your kids safe and entertained. How can she be nuturing your kids if she can't be bothered even to see what they're doing.

Also good point that it must have been bad for your friend to broach the subject. My guess is that she's had this opinion a while and your child crawling out the room was just the concrete proof she needed to bring it up.

suitejudyblue · 21/05/2010 14:53

Without knowing your friend its difficult to judge but people do have very different standards with regard to childcare. Is the other mum maybe one who helicoptors around her DCs and never lets them just get on with things and so thinks the CM is being neglectful ?
You seem to be more relaxed in your parenting and so if you are happy with her in every other way I wouldn't make big changes rashly. Are you able to speak to the toddler group leader and she what she/he thinks of the CM's attitude ?
If the cat incident was a one off and was a long time ago I wouldn't let it be a factor in your decision now

looneytune · 21/05/2010 15:01

I'm a CM and agree with suitejudyblue, HOWEVER, not if this CM is constantly chit chatting and just not paying attention full stop. I have 4 aged 3 and under every day and I get slightly involved in their play/activity but tbh, my lot like to just get on with it. I see my job as supervising them at all times to make sure a) they're safe, b) I can rush to their aid if there is a fight, they hurt themselves, need help with a toy or something, c) generally keep an eye on behaviour etc. They are really good at getting on with it but no way would I just stand/sit chatting the whole time without keeping an eye out. Even when I'm chatting to someone, I'm hardly ever looking at the person but they know I'm busy watching my little ones.

So I guess I'd need to know more about your CM and whether she's completely ignoring them or just didn't notice that one time?

looneytune · 21/05/2010 15:02

As for the cat thing, I was originally going to say absolute NO NO but then I read it was ages ago and doesn't happen so I'd maybe leave that if it was the only other thing that bothered you.

Missus84 · 21/05/2010 15:05

I agree - if the other mum is the kind of parent that always hovers around her children, maybe her interpretation of the CM's behaviour is a little coloured by this? I wouldn't really expect a CM to be interacting constantly with children at a toddler group anyway, and don't actually see the problem with the 11 month old having her drink behind the chair.

I'd mention the corridor incident to the CM in an offhand "oh, someone from toddler group told me dd almost escaped" kind of way and see her reaction from that.

frakkit · 21/05/2010 15:47

Just to correct something further down the thread - you don't employ the CM, she's self-employed but obviously you get some say in how your children are cared for!

Cat thing - not great, she should have cleaned the cot out before putting your child to sleep in it

Escapee - did she really not notice? Are you sure there wasn't something else going on which needed her attention at that time? I would probably raise the issue jokily and watch for her reaction. And ask the other mum for a bit more feedback.

At the end of the day if you trust this CM and what she's doing then that's fine, but if you are worried it's better to give notice and find someone else who's more in tune with you. That's a major potential problem about using a CM - you can't impose your standards on them so either you're happy with the way she does things or you're not, in which case you need to find someone else.

pippin26 · 21/05/2010 16:43

OK, the cats sleeping in the cot concern me greatly. That is NOT on at all.

As a CM, I am acutely aware that I may be being watched but then again I have nothing to worry about. I think its great that another parent has had the concern and foresight to talk to you. However, just be aware that there could possibly (however remotely) be less than honourable intentions at work here.

I think you have GOT to raise this immediately with your childminder. For the welfare of your children. I know some people aren't keen at all on confrontation but this is your CHILDREN (sorry for caps don't know how to bold things).

Alternatively, you could speak to the toddler group leader and just say that you have been told that xyz happens and you are just calling to see if your concerns are justified.

If you are not happy you can put in a written letter of complaint to the minder that they have to respond to within 14 days (refer to her complaints procedure).

If you believe your children are at risk - then remove them immediately and contact Ofsted.

rainbowinthesky · 21/05/2010 16:48

No way would I send my child with asthma to a cat owning household.

MrsWeasley · 21/05/2010 16:49

Its a tricky one becuase you don't know that this "informer/concerned citizen" doesnt have a grudge against the CM.

I heard a similar story a while ago and it turned out to be the friend of a women who the CM had to terminate her contract because of payment issues.

I would suggest you mention it to the CM and talk to her. Communication is the key to a possitive relationship imo.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 21/05/2010 16:52

I speak as an ex nanny and a mum.

I expect people who are paid to look after someone elses children better than the parents do, in that you take extra care because the child isn't yours. The same way when you have a child home for tea, you are more careful with them.

plantsitter · 21/05/2010 16:59

If the mum doesn't have personal issues with the childminder I bet she would've found that a really hard conversation to start and must have really felt it needed to be said. Also if it was me I might downplay a bit so as not to make you panic, but say enough to make you see that something had to be done.

I think you have to ask for the childminder's side of this story.

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