Another mum just told me that my CM is cr*p. Help!

[lukewarmcupoftea]

Oh dear, another mum just came up to me in the park and said she was a little concerned about my CM. She attends the same toddler group as the one the CM takes my girls (2.9 and 11 months) to, and said that every week the CM just basically sits there chatting with her friend and ignoring the children. She said last week my 11 month old was sitting behind her chair, having a drink (i.e. not in front of her with the toys) and then later found her crawling up a side corridor that leads to the toilets. The mum who told me this wasn't being nasty, she was concerned and was genuinely trying to help - and of course I would want someone to tell me of any concerns.

To be honest, if I was at toddler group with them, then I do just let them get on with it. But I do spend a bit of time playing with toys with the little one, and doing the crafts with the older one. And I hope I would notice if DD2 crawled out of the room effectively!

Otherwise, the CM seems great. She always does loads of stuff with DD1, painting etc. Occasionally she does something that makes me a bit (like I only found out her cats had been sleeping in the cot some months after DD1 had started on an inhaler for breathing issues....!), but then no CM is going to look after your children the same way that you do. She's had DD1 for about 2 years now, and DD2 for a couple of months, and they both seem pretty happy there.

I'm tempted to just ignore what this other mum said, but its niggling at me. I'm tempted to spy on them for a day to see what she's like when I'm not around, but that's just plain daft. What do you think I should do?

I have asthma, brought on my living with a chain smoking adult. No problem from my cat.

Having read some more of this thread - your dd could have been taken and your CM wouldn't have known..

Have you got somebody who could attend the toddler group and see what she is like when you arn't around? I know this is sort of spying, but I think if you are deciding weather to pull your children out of the setting, I think you need to know what is going on. You don't want to leave them somewhere thats not safe, but also don't want to pull them out if there is no real need. If your friend doesn't like the CM then she might of noticed things more and always picking up on the negatives.

ALTHOUGH saying that, as a CM, I would be more likely to be sitting playing with the children, and maybe doing the activity with them if there is one?

Trouble is, if she is a bad CM, she isn't going to admitt it to you. Sadly, there are some bad ones around. But also she sounds like the rest of the time they are very happy.

You can actually chat to others and still be supervising the children. Your cm could have been talking to another minder about various work related things. Can your 11 month old open doors and leave the group to crawl along a corridor towards the loos? Or are the toilets in the same hall/room but slightly down a short corridor. Children explore, the childminder could have been on her way over to get your lo perhaps. Like you we are only hearing one side of a story so I won't judge the cm, although the cats in cot is a no no but as you stated you have sorted that out. A child drinking behind the chair, I don't really understand what the problem is with that, children drink when and where they are thirsty. I think you should be honest with your cm and tell her that somebody came to you with this. As a cm I wouldn't like to think that a parent couldn't be open with me if for any reason they began to doubt my care of their children. Good luck.

Thank you everyone for your replies. They have all helped me to think about what's really important/reasonable and what's not. I think the shock (if that's the right word) of what the other mum said has worn off as well now, so I can think less emotionally and more practically about this.

suitejudyblue, Missus84, JennyPenny23 - thanks, yes, that did occur to me (that what I would consider acceptable, this other mum doesn't, just from different parenting styles). I think it would have been hard for her to raise the issue though, and that there was genuine concern there. I like the idea of speaking to the leader of the toddler group, and also I have a (much closer) friend who goes to the group sometimes, I will ask her to keep an eye. I just need another opinion really, as the CM is hardly going to say she's ignoring DD2, and I don't know this other mum well enough to know if she just has a different attitude to me or if the CM is really using the groups as a total break from minding.

It has occurred to me that this may just be an issue with DD2 rather than DD1 as well. The CM loves DD1 to bits and does loads of stuff with her, and DD1 is also now quite independent in her play etc. Maybe she just hasn't realised that DD2 is now getting to an age where she can be played with more interactively (the CM did say she was 10 months the other day, and was v surprised when I said no, her 1st birthday is in a couple of weeks!). I think I need to be more on the ball as to asking what DD2 has done in the day, rather than just DD1.

Given that we've had 2 years of thinking she is an absolutely fabulous CM (apart from the cat thing!), and DD1 has thrived there, I can't see that she's a totally different person when I'm not around (unless I'm a complete idiot...possible). She's very caring and I think would be very upset if anyone thought she wasn't doing a good job. When I talk to her about this, I expect we can get it sorted out quite amicably (if we can actually finish the conversation before being overwhelmed by children).

Thanks again, you've all really helped, and I feel much happier now I've got an action plan of how to tackle this.

BTW Chandra - asthma is triggered by different things in different people, so whilst it may be cats with your son, its generally colds with my daughter. Nothing to do with how 'allergic' you are (fwiw, she is a very allergic person, I won't bore you with the details, nor is it a competition, suffice to say we have frequent flyer miles with our local hospital!)

TBH she sounds like she is guenuine, but obviously you still need to make sure. I know of some bad CMs and she doens't sound like one of them.

Just to let you all know (I do hate posting on a thread and then never finding out what happens!)...

I spoke to the toddler group leader this morning, before the session started. She said she hadn't noticed any problem, but would let me know if anything cropped up.

She just rang to say that she had been keeping a special eye out this morning, and from what she could see, my CM was keeping a good watch on all her mindees, was interacting with them well - not all the time, but then neither would I and I don't think that 100% attention is healthy or necessary - and would be someone she would be happy leaving her own kids with.

So I'm greatly relieved, to say the least. I can't imagine why this other mum had the opinion of her that she did, but one possibility is that she got her confused with my CMs friend (who has been settling in a very clingy baby who cries all the time in the last couple of months).

Thank you for your help ladies, especially the suggestion of talking to the group leader, which I hadn't thought of!

Aw, glad you got a good report back!

glad its panned out well for you Lukewarm. and thanks for letting us know (I too hate not knowing the end of the story!!)

glad all has seemed to have worked out

Glad it has all worked out for you

That's good news.

Just caught up with this, I'm glad its turned out well. Its often hard for me to take a deep breath and pause before taking action so I try to see it from the other side first and calm down a bit as well.

Hiya Lukewarecupoftea - as a CM I find this really distressing - I dont have any mindees at present BUT when I am at the toddler groups with my kids I am one step behind them ! not so much the 3yrs plus but definitely under twos ! I see it all the time parents/carers chatting and kids being left to it, observing and letting them play is one thing; not knowing where your charges are and getting paid for it is another. I would find an alternative childminder immediately - you dont have to give a reason. It doesnt matter really the wheres and whyfors - if she cant see them she isnt looking after them. And as someone else said you expect more CARE and ATTENTION from someone you are paying !!! Dont think to much more - your kids arent being looked after properly end of - this friend has watched this for some time - next time it could be a hospital visit ! Dont delay sort it PLEASE

Big assumptions there Waveawand! Have you read to the end of the thread?

Only just now - assumptions maybe but if someone is paying you to look after their kids that is what they should be doing. I dont mean controling how they play - just an awareness of where they are and what is going on. The odd comment to another mum fair enough but I wouldnt be happy if my kid was found half way down the hall when in the CMs care. Maybe a direct question to the CM would have cleared this up without the "assumptions!" Glad its all turned out okay though

Waveawand - when I went to see the toddler group leader, I noticed there was a stairgate blocking off the hallway. So I'm a bit unsure how, erm, truthful, the statement of this other mum actually was. I don't know, and I guess I never will.

Anyway, I'm sure in myself that the kids are getting great care, and I don't want to mention it to the CM as I've already sorted it out to my satisfaction, and she's a very sensitive and caring person who would be (pointlessly) really upset by this lady's comment.

lukewarm, just wanted to throw in my thoughts - slightly random ones but bear with me, there is a point eventually!

I have a close friend that i have met through our dcs. We get on really well, we are very similar in our outlook and views on life and we parent our children in a similar way. We both looked at the same nursery at around the same time. She absolutely hated it and left after half an hour refusing to consider it. I on the other hand loved it and DCs have been going for two years and I couldn't be happier with the care they get.

I think the point I am trying to make is that everyone sees things differently and you should go with your gut instinct - if you are happy with the CM, if you think she's looking after your DCs in the way you want then that's all that matters.

Exactly piffpaff, that's the conclusion I came too as well, that it was just differences in parenting style. Just shows what huge variation there must be, no wonder mumsnet is so popular!