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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Am angry with cm today - about to rant!

43 replies

biggest · 17/05/2010 20:45

DS has been with his CM for 1.5 yrs now, and slowly we have been getting a bit worried about how little they now do when he is with her. She has a few other children too but I can't get a sense of them doing anything educational or to help with development. She used to go to parks, playgroups etc but is increasingly staying in and I suspect the kids are watching TV as DS knows the names of cbeebies characters I have never watched with him.
Today when DH dropped DS off (at 10am) she wasn't dressed, had curtains drawn and had been out a family party last night. DS was her only mindee today. It was a really nice sunny day so DH said would be good for DS to get fresh air.
When I picked him up, he had been indoors all day, had a rubbish lunch and she - and I can't believe this - hadn;t changed his nappy all day. She actually lied to me and said his nappy was changed but he had had lots to drink - but when I got home he was still wearing the same nappy as this morning, and of course had a rash.
I know I am ranting but I am furious that she lied and that my trust is being slowly eroded.
We are expecting baby no 2 so will be terminating her contract soon, I was getting quite dependent on her being around when baby is born for some help, but I am so annoyed that I want to finish this sooner.
What is the best way to confront her about this? I don't want to accuse her of lying but she needs to know that I am upset with her and that I am unhappy with her standards lately - without ruining what was always a good relationship and DS suffering as a result in the coming weeks.
Sorry, rant over - feel free to tear my argument apart!

OP posts:
Original poster
biggest · 17/05/2010 20:47

And a quick one for other CMs, should a childminder be doing developmental stuff with children as part of EYFS? There is never paperwork, diaries, evidence for anything and I just don't think it happens - can't give benefit of the doubt any more.

OP posts:
HSMM · 17/05/2010 20:48

I am a CM and I feel sad for you and your DS, if it is all going as you think. Something doesn't sound right here. Personally I always like parents to come and talk to me if they feel there are any problems. That way I can put their fears at rest.

HSMM · 17/05/2010 20:52

Look up Early Years Foundation Stage on the internet and it should tell you what CMs work towards. I think the link is nationalstrategies.standards.dcsf.gov.uk/earlyyears (sorry I am rubbish at the technical links)

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 17/05/2010 20:55

I would give notice now.

Do CMs have contracts like nannies do for things that = immediate termination of contract without paying the notice period?

Once DS2 didn't have his nappy changed for a few hours as both DH and I thought the other had done it when we took DS2 upstairs. However, this with the CM sounds deliberate with the slacking of other standards.

verycherry · 17/05/2010 20:56

I would be very concerned, this is her job - what would your employer say if you rocked up at work in your jammies!!

Does she know you are going to terminate her contract? May be why she has got lax, absolutely no excuse though.

Original poster
biggest · 17/05/2010 20:56

I just hate the chance of confrontation especially as I am so hormonal at the minute - the slightest thing sets me off! And DH won't want to do it, I know he would find it difficult as she has been part of our lives for so long. You are right it is sad... but I am sure when trust starts to go it can only go one way

OP posts:
OhExpletive · 17/05/2010 20:58

I use a CM and would feel really unhappy in your shoes. I think that because this started out as such a good relationship for you it is much harder now that problems have arisen - if problems become apparent at the start it's easier, IMO, to nip them in the bud.

TBH I think some of what you have said is quite serious. Lying is terrible, obviously, but not changing a nappy all day is neglectful!

I think perhaps you need to try to meet her outside of minding hours (ideally with your DH if that's possible) and clearly state what you are unhappy about. Outline examples of the general problems you have described here. And state what you would like to change, with reference to how it used to be. I would also make clear that unless you see a rapid improvement in the situation you will be ending the contract sharpish.

I don't know what other CMs will have to say about this, but as a client of a CM I would be really angry if I was in your situation.

OhExpletive · 17/05/2010 21:01

biggest, I sympathise about the avoiding confrontation thing, I really do - I am terrified of it (except when surfing AIBU, obviously ).

But in situations like this I think we owe it to our little ones to stand up for them however hard we find it, which is what this comes down to.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 17/05/2010 21:02

yes the CM should be tracking his progress, giving you regular feedback on his achievements, handing you photographs and work he has produced (feet painting, pasta necklace, that kind of thing) , sharing his Learning Journey/developmental file with you even if they don't keep a daily diary or daily reord sheet

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 17/05/2010 21:10

Get some balls as this is your child.

I don't mean that horribly, I am trying to encourage you.

Original poster
biggest · 17/05/2010 21:15

This is so upsetting, I feel like I have let DS down by not being more assertive with CM when I was concerned before. I just trusted her and was probably naive about what to expect from her. Our families are all far away and she became almost part of our family, which is why I probably accepted the more 'minding' side of things rather than demanding a more professional relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
biggest · 17/05/2010 21:16

I will sort it, DS too important so thanks for the virtual kick up the a**e!

OP posts:
Wanderingsheep · 17/05/2010 21:17

She sounds terrible! I would get rid!

QSnondomicile · 17/05/2010 21:17

If she is ofsted registered, I would raise my concerns with them, to be honest. It sounds horrid. She does not care for your child, only her paycheck by the sounds of things.

camaleon · 17/05/2010 21:24

Biggest,
I do understand you I think but she is not part of your family. You are paying her and have a contract with her to look after your child. This is a huge one. If you want to do the real right thing, speak with her and warn her about the fact you are unhappy and therefore you are leaving. And therefore too, better not to look for references from you. If you know other childrens' families I would try to have a word with them. I believe the super honest thing to do is to get ofsted to keep an eye on this. Other kids are under her care.

However, whatever the situation you must end this relationship straight away. Tomorrow or whenever is possible in the very short term. You may be wrong but you cannot take this chance on behalf of your child.

Missus84 · 17/05/2010 21:27

Sounds like she's really losing interest in the job.

Alwaysworthchecking · 17/05/2010 21:27

We had a CM when dd was small and things went downhill, similar to your description. At first things were lovely and dd was happy there, but there was a gradual change and decline. I can now see that I didn't get her out of there soon enough but at the time all I had were the confused words of a very small child (she was 2) and a lot of gut feeling that things weren't right. I regret not acting upon it sooner.

I'm afraid I've no advice on confronting her as I didn't with mine. I just terminated the contract early, using maternity leave and redundancy as the (perfectly true) reasons. She didn't complain, but then I don't think she gave a toss about dd by then, so no surprises there really. I still wonder if I should have taken it further, but I had no evidence.

Anyway, do as I say and not as I did. That's something you won't regret.

Fel1x · 17/05/2010 21:31

You have to take your son out of her care immediately.
I know its hard to face the confrontation when you are not that kind of person (I would find it very difficult too) but you have to for your sons sake.
If she hasnt bothered to get dressed for when you turn up, hasnt bothered to change your DS's nappy ALL day and even chose to lie about it rather than get off her bum and do it (Ie deliberate laziness rather than any kind of genuine mistake), then you can bet money she isnt playing with him, taking good care of him when he gets upset/bored etc.
I wouldnt send him back and I'd tell her the nappy and her not bothering to get dressed is the final straw in her deteriorating care.
Also call OFSTED.

pippin26 · 17/05/2010 21:38

Thats appalling behaviour.
Yes she should be doing EYFS with your child and you should ask to see his learning journal (or however she records it).

She should be involving you in this journal as well - sharing information, pictures etc.

As for the not being dressed business - well thats downright unprofessional.

Can i just ask how you know it was the same nappy? I am not saying this to be pedantic but am just curious.

I think you are justified in your concerns and I think you should be trusting your instincts.

Original poster
biggest · 17/05/2010 21:43

I put a certain brand of nappy on this morning, and I know that the nappies I gave her for him are different ones. And it was sopping wet, more wet than a 2 and a half year old's should be in the hour and a half she said it had been on.
Of course I can't have 100% evidence unless I filmed her! She could easily say she has other nappies, etc. That's why saying outright "you lied" worries me even though I am pretty damn sure

OP posts:
Missus84 · 17/05/2010 21:48

Maybe at 2.5 your DS is ready for nursery now? That could be a non-confrontational way of moving him out of the CM's care.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 18/05/2010 10:47

I find that having a child more than a certain amount of time, the child carers loses interest as the novelty wears off, the child gets older, more independent, less compliant..

jamaisjedors · 18/05/2010 14:07

Really Fab?

I tried to tell our cm who has had DS1 since age 3 mths, that I would maybe put him in the after-school club or let him stay for lunch at school (currently lunches at hers) next year to make room for more children at hers.

She told me not to dare take him and DS2 away from her!

OP, the nappy thing is v. annoying combined with the rest, but I think it's the gut feeling that is the decider.

There are things I don't like about the way our cm does things, but she LOVES the DC and they love her and I just have a good feeling about it all.

If you are not getting this good feeling then look into something else.

Is there any chance it's just a one-off after a big party?

satc2bringiton · 18/05/2010 14:42

Fab - how can you say that

OP - I wouldn't be happy to continue with this CM, could you have a ring around and look into alternative childcare?

You must bring up the nappy business too. I would just explain it was obvious DS had not been changed because all the new nappies were a different brand.

Poledra · 18/05/2010 14:45

Really Fab?? My DD1 has been with her CM for 6 years, and I am still very happy with the level of care. OK, she doesn't come home with the pasta necklaces and Chinese New year dragons that the 2 younger ones do, but that's because she is at school, so not taking part in the craft activities during the day.

biggest, I would not be happy with this at all. For the person who says this was a one-off after a big family party, the CM should have been cognizant of the fact she was working the next day. Lying about his nappy change is also not on - maybe she did forget but she certainly shouldn't have lied about it.