Doula, maternity nurse, night nurse, someone else - help for a first timer

[blondecat]

Hello,

DH and I are awaiting the arrival of our No 1 bundle of joy. We are v excited but in my case slightly worried too.

Neither of us has family in this country and in any case respective parents are either too old (85) or too unwilling to actually help after the birth.
DH has already announced that paternity leave of any sort is not an option. I am sure he will try to be there as much as he can but since he works 7:30 to 20:00 now, he is unlikely to be there much.
So I will be alone with the baby (and two cats). And I am scared. There's friends of course but they either work or have their own bundles, or both.

To be honest I have no idea what to expect or what sort of help I would need.

My friends had no maternity nurses - one had one booked but cancelled after the birth preferring to go for a housekeeper. They think, like a lot of people, that mat-nurses interfere with bonding. But they all had their mothers there non stop the first 3-4 weeks.

My sister told me outright that I would be a spoilt little madam to go for any help, since I don't need and she didn't have one and she was a single mother.

So what do I do?
I am not planning a C-section but one never knows
I would like to breastfeed - does this mean no night nurses or maternity nurses?
I think I would like the baby to start off sleeping in our room but not stay there until age 5 like my niece!
I would like someone to show me the ropes - I want to take care of the baby myself most of the time
But I'd also like them to take care of the baby sometimes so I could sleep or go to the hairdresser or have some couple time
I am worried that my husband might move to a hotel if lack of sleep interferes with his work.
And to top it off I am at a high risk of post natal depression

I am based in Central London and due in late November. We have a large flat but it's just a two bed so I am not sure about anyone live-in.

Any ideas, tips, advice? All would be much appreciated.

Finally, is it true that we have to start thinking about actually booking someone soon? It's so early

Congratulations

No experience of paid help after the birth but based on what I did have from my mum, the most useful thing of all is a kind of combo housekeeper/mother's help who does cleaning, housework, shopping, cooking and who will also take the baby for a walk, or just hold them and pace for an hour or two, as and when you feel that's OK, during the day so that you can rest. Babies usually (not always) sleep a lot in the early stages but annoyingly it's often in little tiny bits that don't really allow you to rest, so 'sleep when the baby sleeps', while good advice, only gets you so far.

Also I have come across many partners who take the early night shift (e.g. 9pm to midnight) while their partner goes to bed. This can really help. It's hard work to go to bed so early after days of babycare, and you won't see a whole lot of your husband, but it will NOT be for ever. If he balks at this, he needs to get real about the workload. However, I don't know at what stage this can work - maybe others know - perhaps immediately, perhaps after 6 weeks, perhaps after bf is established and the baby will take a bottle of expressed BM? Easy for me to say as expressing didn't work at all for me and I know a lot of babies won't look at bottles, so you have to see how you go.

I do think that day help rather than night help is more practical simply because breastfeeding at night has more effect on establishing the milk supply apparently. Wouldn't that just be the way?

Your SIL sounds very unhelpful. All you can say is 'Sounds really tough, I hope I survive as well as you' and just ignore her, or offer babysitting as and when you are up and running. NOBODY finds having a baby easy, why should you have as tough a time as her if you don't have to?

The key thing that I wish I had done is just to focus on feeding in the first month at least - revarnishing the bedroom floor, making lots of new friends and trying new recipes can wait for another day. Establishing feeding is really worth throwing time at - for some people it goes well from the beginning, for others it really doesn't, and you deserve to spend a few weeks focusing on that above all else. Very best of luck.

A maternity nurse might be a good option for you, I know mothers who have had them and still BF. You just wont get as much rest during the night but the maternity nurse would be able to take over in the day if you need to nap.

A good maternity nurse should be able to show you what to do and as well as be supportive. Normal duties would be bathing the baby,doing baby massage, keeping baby clothes organized and baby areas clean and tidy, sterilizing bottles plus taking the baby out for a walk. They are also particularly good about getting babies into a routine at night.

A good maternity nurse should know when to step back and give you time with the baby but also take over and be supportive when you need to rest.

Many maternity nurses also sleep in the same room as the baby (possibly not all so check) so as long as there is a bed in the nursery too it shouldn't be a problem.

Central London you will not have a problem finding a maternity nurse for November but yes start looking ASAP they great ones get booked up as soon as a mother gets a positive pregnancy test. My own little tip is look out for ones who have routinely been asked back to be a maternity nurse for a 2nd time by the same family and also one who has looked after many babies in a friendship group. A good friend would only recommend a maternity nurse if they were really happy with her level of care and skill.

On average most people have one for 6 weeks but you could have one for much longer. They generally cost between £600-800 depending on how many days and if you only want nights.

Night nannies can be fantastic but for the level of support you would benefit from a Maternity nurse IMO.

I'd rather have somebody who'd do the cleaning and cooking so that I could spend more my time looking after the baby for the first few weeks. I think doula would be the best choice because she'd do all that and also support you emotionally which is VERY important after birth. She'd also step in if you needed help or advice with caring for the newborn or breastfeeding.
On the other hand ... I have to say it is possible to do it all by yourself. I did with all my three babies with very little support from my DH as he was either working long hours or with my last baby he was away for a few weeks almost immediatley after the birth. My family lives overseas. It is not easy though and if I had had the money I would have booked a doula myself.
As to having a night nurse or night nanny ... well if you're planning to breastfeed then the baby will need you not them. I wouldn't advise giving bottle during the night when the breastfeeding is not well established yet.
Good luck.

Forgot to add none of the mothers I know with maternity nurses ever had a problem bonding as long as they made sure they still had lots of time with the baby. A maternity nurse is there for support not to be a 24 hour nanny but a lot of people get confused and so spread unhelpful gossip about other mothers not bonding.

It totally depends whatn you want to do.

A doula will do a bit around the house, help you care for your baby and hold them while you have a shower and a nap.

Even as a maternity nanny I would first advise mothers to outsource cleaning, cooking and ironing. Then if you're not confident about caring for the baby get a maternity nurse in for a couple of weeks/ a month - it doesn't have to be 6 weeks, 6 weeks is about the right amount of time to establish a routine and good 'habits' but if you just need babycare 101 a couple of weeks would do you fine. ~Also you may find someone who finishes a booking late October, wants a bit of time off but doesn't want to work Xmas/NY so will happily take a late Nov/early Dec booking.

Most MNs and night nannies, self included, will bring baby to you for a feed at night and take away to settle if you want. That way you're 'just' feeding and if baby has trapped wind you don't have to deal with it. If you need nights you're going to have to have someone live in/there overnight.

Interview your MN thoroughly to make sure they'll give you ALONE time with the baby whilst being on call. Most MNs take a couple of hours nap time/rest in the morning or afternoon that the mother can have interrupted with the baby. When I did this it was as much for the mother's benefit as mine and I would always be on call. In your case I would also screen MNs for experience working with mothers with PND or who have done a specialist course (MNT do a PND course).

So action plan:

1. Decide what exactly you want in terms of help
2. Decide how much you're prepared to spend
3. Decide how long you want help for
4. Interview a couple of each type of help, either in person or over the phone; you may find that you thought you wanted a maternity nurse but actually there's a post-natal doula who'll do what you want

Or why not just hire someone to come in during the day for a few hours.
As well as lots of full on maternity nanny or doula positions I have had a number of jobs where mum just wants some support/ guidance and friendship. I have lived out and started in the early days of doing say 9-5pm have just helped mum with the baby and the house (light cleaning, meal prep, washing) we have gone out and about together and visited all of the local baby places so they are all familiar etc. Then as mum gains confidence I have dropped hours or days to suit.
I am a qualified mat nanny and postnatal doula but not everyone needs that level of support I tailor what I offer to the areas that mums most need me.
Its a cheaper and more flexible way of getting help after the birth.
I work in central London and generally get bookings 4-6mnths before positions so yes get thinking about it.

it sounds to me as if a doula could suit you perfectly

Hi blondecat. I'm a Doula working in London and Herts. If you want to see my details you can take a look http://www.hertsdoulas.org.uk/doula_details.php?doula_id=34 here I can help prepare you and your partner for your birth and be there for you throughout the whole labour. I've attended hospital and homebirths. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to message me. As I'm classified as a trainee, I am only charging £190 for the whole birth package (the same price as the maternity grant).

oops, link didn't work, try here!

Thank you all

I guess there is only one thing to do now. Actually start interviewing people. I cannot believe I need to start doing this so early but better safe than sorry. Do you know if agencies charge for that or only once you employ someone?

Just based on this forum I would probably think on the lines of:

doula + housekeeper
housekeeper / nanny
maybe a flexible maternity nurse

Oh well. Also had a bit of a read on the Imperial Nannies pages and, oh boy, sounds like some nannies can be more fussy than some parents. Then again, I imagine some parents can be D. Phils in Fuss. And it's probably better to be upfront, it needs to be a two way process.

congrats and sounds like your sister is jealous

yes nannies can be picky and tbh a nanny isnt what you need but more of a mn/nn or doula

not too early to lok for a good mn/doula

If you look on the doula.org.uk website you can find a postnatal DOula and don't have to pay any agency fees or mark-ups that some Doula Agencies put on top. If you look at the Trainee Doulas (without yellow starts next to their names) they're even cheaper as they are officially still in training.

Absolutely be upfront. It is worth being picky in a way as you need to be able to have a good honest relationship with them. I'd rather be fussy when interviewing than resentful in a job.

Ignore sister, get the help you want.

Someone, whether maternity nurse, doula, or whatever, who is experienced in giving breastfeeding support might be a priority.

FrakkinTheReturningOffice... I agree. Would hate to have a resentful nanny. And I imagine she would hate a resentful mummy!

Blondeshavemorefun I guess you may be right. She had a very tough life. And mine's very different. I guess in some ways tough too but in others much, much easier. Actually she would flip if she saw me use the word tough in relation to my life. But it had been for years when I was in my 20s.
In the end we will do what we think works for us. And I have to think of DH as well as myself.

Wow maternity nurses , night nurses etc etc how I envy that such people exist. In my next life I'm coming back as a mum with a night nurse .....

Is that meant to be a helpful comment ???

Yes maternity nurse : night nannies : doulas etc all exist to help a new mum if she needs it

Some people are not lucky enough to have their mums about who can help and one always said if you can afford help when having a baby have it - whether in childcare - cleaning - pre made meals etc

Whatever makes a new mums life less stressful

This thread is 5.5yrs old

Wonder how op is and how her 5yr is now :)