Some concerns about CM

[whatdodo]

My DC's (dear child) CM is very well qualified, committed and highly enthusiastic. And DC really seems to love CM and vice versa, which I've always seen as a good thing.

However, there are a few things about CM's behaviour that have irritated orupset me for a while (I know, I should have said something sooner) and a few things recently have made me extremely worried.

Here are the things that have upset me (there are more, but I'm worried that my CM might read and recognise!) -

CM overly (IMO) clingy/affectionate, always insisting on a kiss before leaving, and always doing it full on the lips
Continuing to hold onto DC even once I've arrived to pick up, and continuing to act like the one in charge , even though DC will put out arms to me
Talking out loud, in public, about DC putting hands down top and touching breasts
Telling me (more than once) about how DC puts head between breasts and bounces it around saying 'boobies' (I know this isn't an unusual thing to happen, but I'd rather not be told over and over again!)
Talking about how DC is good at xyz because of CM's actions, rather than mine
Blowing on bottom for a good while to help nappy rash
Hanging around for far too long after dropping off, albeit talking about DC and the day they've had

I was feeling slightly irritated or upset by some of these things but let it go because I didn't want to come across as being a clingy mother. But DC now more often than not comes back with very red lips and bum and has started getting upset in sleep/saying no no no ... Plus there's the talk of body parts.

They always say trust your instinct and my instinct is telling me something isn't quite right ... but maybe I'm allowing my upset about some of CMs actions to expand into something bigger in my mind, possibly due to recent media coverage and because, well, it's every parent's worst nightmare, isn't it?

Honest feedback really needed, and soon ...

Trust your instinct and don't send again.

Even if these things are all completely innocent, give notice anyway as the relationship is shot imo, no trust.

Call NSPCC for some impartial advice.

[hugs]

Errmmm i can't reiterate this enough - trust your gut instincts.

As a minder i would not:

be blowing on a childs bottom even to 'help' nappy rash
be allowing a child to jiggle in my bosom - ok all kids tend to 'nestle' there (and in my case it can't be avoided lol) and many children latch onto a funny word like boobies. Some children do have wandering hands but this is easily averted. And nooooo I would not be telling all and sundry repeatedly

When a parent arrives I encourage (and allow) a child to go to the parent HOWEVER I do discuss with parents that its my house my rules and in effect I am still in charge - so if they have tidying up left to do (ie toys away in boxes) then I will encourage and expect parents to back me up.
I would not 'hold onto' a child in the manner you describe.

this c/m has no feeling towards parent (you) and ok perhaps some of the stuff your child acheives is down to her but at the end of the day its a SHARED acheivement and it sounds like she has lost sight that the parent is the first and foremost educator.

Some of it COULD possibly be totally innocent but I would not be happy with what you are describing and if a minder I knew was doing that I would be considering making a complaint or taking it further.

Would you be happy following her complaints procedure or would you not be comfortable and prefer to take this elsewhere?

I'm sorry to say that as a CM and a mother your CM's behaviour sounds extremely inappropriate. I would withdraw my child from this person.

I'm quite shocked at this I am a CM and wouldn't dream of a) kissing a child on the lips, b) blowing on bum to help nappy rash we use butt cream, c) encouraging child to play with her boobs.

Really I find all of this very disturbing and definately not professional. I suggest that you find another carer for your DC ASAP and if possible not send him back. I would also write a letter to this CM stating all of the concerns you have.

Best wishes

I definately would remove my child from this cm. Hopefully their is nothing untoward with her actions towards your child but you have doubts so remove your child. I would also contact the Care Commission if in Scotland or relevant English authority and bring your concerns to their attention. I would also record with dates ect what you have observed. I have been a childminder for 18 years and I have never acted in that manner with one of my mindees.

Agree with everyone else, she does sound rather odd. I give the kisses, hugs when children request them or the parent says 'kiss for looney then' and some parents want on the lips which I do find uncomfortable to start with but then ok once I know that's how that family do things (mine do on lips too).

Whenever a child has put their hand down my top (rare) I gently stop this and tell them not to (the way I say this depends on age).

I'd never hold onto a child, that's strange too.

I HAVE blown on bottoms, rarely, when a nappy rash has been really bad. I use cream but it's that moment between wiping the area and therefore it's more sore and putting cream on. I feel that others think this is a BIG no no, it's literally a quick blow in that moment before putting cream on if they are in terrible discomfort. The parents know this and haven't a problem but of course I'd never do it if they felt funny about it. I'm now wondering if I shouldn't ever do this again, even though it makes the child feel better for a moment?

Anyway, that aside, the rest of what your CM is saying/doing is odd and what your child has said is definitely alarming.

Sorry you are having to go through this, must be horrible for you

Is your DS putting his hands down her top or yours? If hers then could she not wear different clothes so it wasn't possible (at least for a few days til he stops). It sounds like she thinks like these things are funny and hasn't picked up that you don't.

How do you know about the blowing on his bum? Did she tell you? I do do this occasionally with DS (he's 17 mths and it makes him laugh - now I sound dodgy too!), but would never do it to a mindee, as I think it inappropriate. Does she have a physical contact policy?

Everyone has different comfort levels about body topics (humour/touching/language etc) and it sounds like you and she aren't on the same wavelength. My gut feeling would be that if she's telling you all this then its unlikely that there's anything inappropriate going on, but you are the one there and its your DS so obviously you need to go with your gut feeling!

If you did want to make it work with her then you could:

• have a chat with her and ask her not to kiss DS on the mouth, or just say in passing next time she does it 'would you mind not kissing on the mouth' (maybe link to risk of cold sores?)
• when DS puts his arms out to you then take him don't wait for her to give him to you!
• if she tells you about his boob 'obsession' then cut her off and say 'He's just a baby and doesn't understand' or something similar

Oh and I don't always give the mindees to their parents as soon as they arrive, as I think it gives the wrong impression of trying to get rid of them. I always would though if the mindee or parent looked in need of a hug though!

I second recording all this as you never known if it will be useful one day.

Sorry looney cross-posted with you! I don't want to make you feel bad about the blowing on bum thing - if it makes your mindees feel better and their parents know about it then why not? It is just down to comfort levels (and I still feel weird changing other babies nappies) which is why I wouldn't... but then have never had a mindee with awful nappy rash... am swithering now...

I second all the advice here - all this would make me so uncomfortable I would be giving immediate notice. To me the affection seems inappropriate...

Leeloo - I hadn't even read yours til now so don't worry My dh is my assistant atm and he won't do nappies as feels uncomfortable doing them. Thinking back, I probably felt the same way in the early days but I've been childminding for 5 yrs in May and don't feel odd at all now. I do feel a bit more funny when the older ones who are now toilet trained in the day get sore bottoms and need extra cleaning and/or cream but that's more because they are older. I wouldn't blow on a bottom if they giggled or anything like that (but fine with your own ), it's more to 'help' them when they are in distress. Tbh, all I care about at the time is that I help them feel better when they are terribly sore (sometimes slightly bleeding if cracked ), it hadn't even crossed my mind that it may be a problem.

Anyway, whether or not one thinks it's ok and another doesn't, like leeloo said, it's more to do with whether or not you're on the same wavelength with regards to these matters and I agree it doesn't sound like you are. I still think it's odd for your child to be upset and saying things like that plus why would they have red lips? I'd concentrate your thoughts more on that and decide whether or not it's enough for you to take further action against your CM?

Thank you all for your replies. I think I know what I need to do, and it's been really helpful to have some advice and moral support from you all.

That sounds wrong on so many levels and alarm bells are ringing for me.

Sorry.

Please remove your child from this cm.

Is your child a boy? Don't say it you would rather not.

I would pay notice rather than give it then send the child for the month or whatever the notice period is.

FAb - if the OP has a complaint about the minder I would say no to paying the notice period.

Agree with pipping although I THINK the point FAB was trying to make was that if she has to pay the notice period, she should still NOT send her. I may be wrong though?

Fab - a girl. Lips referred to down below. This might change people's response to my OP? Perhaps people didn't realise I meant this? Can I ask if it's one thing more than any other that sets the alarm bells ringing, or just the situation overall?

I am keen to clarify a few other things in my OP but I'm so worried about being identified, especially since part of me feels that probably nothing awful has happened (hence the reason for the above question) and I feel so guilty for having such awful thoughts about someone.

However, while I'm not 100% certain about events, I agree DD should not be left alone with CM and that, due to the way I feel about her methods anyway, I should terminate the contract.

Would I be an irresponsible person if I gave a benign excuse for terminating and just paid notice, rather than complaining (to CM and/or authorities?) I'm really not 100% convinced that there's a problem and would hate to ruin someone's life/career if it is just a case of us having different values etc ...

Your CM is kissing your dd on her vaginal lips?

And yes, pay the notice if you really have to but don 't send her.

If your CM is kissing your dd on her private parts I would be calling the police.

no

don't believe you now

I don't believe that any one would openly kiss a child on the vaginal lips whilst they could be observed doing so

I think that you are trolling

I think the OP meant that her DD's vaginal lips were red and sore, not that the CM was kissing them.

whattodo - Urgh! Yes, that does change it just a bit! I thought you meant she had lipstick on her from kiss before leaving. How bad is it? Is it like a nappy has ben left on too long? Is it the nappy rash thats making her red (is it the same on days when she'd not with CM)?

If not (and if it fades whilst not with CM then gets worse again when she is) then I'd write down everything in as much detail as you can (dates/times etc) and calling the police asap and Ofsted/Social Services for advice.

How would you feel if it was unreported and another child went through abuse there (if that is what has happened - and I really hope it hasn't) because you left it unreported? Whilst I know saying if she's innocent she has nothing to worry about is naive and it will be awful for her if your concerns are unfounded it'd be much worse for a child in her care if they're not.

Oh also - do clarify things if it'd help us advise better!

and looney - thanks for not being offended - I was worried my post looked a bit pointed cos just after yours.

Don't worry, just come back from a CM friend's house and mentioned this thread and my concern. She said on the courses they say we shouldn't hug/kiss etc. Well sod that, there is NO WAY I could do this job and not so now I'm not so paranoid . Before I went out I had to blow on ds2's bum as he did a poo and immediately it reacted really badly (teething) and he was screaming when I changed him No way I couldn't have blown on his bum and the same goes for a child in my care, as long as the parents are ok with this of course

Never heard this blowing on bottoms being good for nappy rash.

It's not GOOD for nappy rash, it stops it feeling so painful whilst sorting the nappy. It was my mum who told me about it years ago. I don't blow on bottoms for no reason Tbh, hardly ever had to anyway but it immediately stops the crying ime