Best way to leave

[pineapple79]

I am having some problems at my work and have been there 7 months the child does not like me at all and does not want to do anything with me. I have tried my hardest and not sure what to do and i have also heard a conversation about me which i was not meant to hear by the parents and the child, They thought i had already left for the evening so i dont feel very happy there.What would you do and how would you approach this situation?

Could you expand a bit on: the child won't do anything with me. Such as what sort of things? What are you meant to be doing?
You have been there for 7 months, so quite a long time. If you leave, do you have anything to go to?
Leaving itself is easy, you give notice as per the requirements in your contract. The hard part tends to be the attachment to the child, though in your case there is a lack of attachment.

Hi there.

I would do two things:

1. Explore why the child apparently does not like you and whether there is anything you can do to make the child like you more - if you are even right in your assumption? How old is the child? Why do you think that he or she does not want anything to do with you? Once you have formed some ideas in your head about that, talk to the parents - without the child present. Say that you would like to improve the situation and how do they see it?

1. Look around for another job, in case this situation is beyond saving.

Good luck - but do try and improve your current job situation first. Seven months is not very long and if you do move, the next job is going to have to last 2 years+ for it not to become a question mark on your CV>

I stayed in a position that clearly didn't work for either myself or my charges for 18 months - and it was quite frankly 18 months of hell. So my advice? Leave.

I would look for another position, and once secured, then give notice. Just be sure that you continue working your hardest, and meeting all the childs needs so you leave with a clear conscience and a good reference. If the parents are discussing it with your charge then they are aware it isn't a good fit. Sometimes that's just the way it goes, it's not necessarily a reflection on you as a person or nanny.

Thanks so much for your replies. Well he doesnt like talking to me doesnt like listening to me and never wants to play any games with me.and in holidays i am there full time.
I have been a Nanny for 18 years and worked with 5 different families, I have never had a problem before.The child is 9 years old.
I have asked the parents what sort of things he likes to do or what i can do with him but they said that this is the way he is and theres nothing i can do.I have heard the conversation aswell and it seems like they are also just putting up with me and dont really like me.

Does he have many friends or is he a fairly solitary child? Do you know what he's good at school-wise?

He does have friends but only sees them certain times .. usually when i am not there and there are other children he knows but does not really play with them,i did not actually know all this untill a few months after the job started.Hes very good at his school work especially maths Italian and Art

I don't mean to sound horrible because I know the situation must be stressful, but IMO the child is only 9 - you can change what you're doing and he WILL get to like you.

I don't really believe that a child of that age could just decide to hate someone who identified their interests, allowed them their friends to played and genuinely liked them.

It must be difficult but by no means is it a lost cause IMO.

Also just reread your original post - part of the problem sound to be his parents. "That's just the way he is".. what a disgusting sentiment to hold about your own child. No wonder he isn't very happy, he knows his parents think he isn't a very nice boy!!!!

Can you bond over some art activities / visits / workshops - do them together?

He doesnt like to do much things apart from cinemas and parks. I have suggested those kind of things you have said but like i am saying he does not want to do anything else.
Art he only likes doing for school and likes the computer and being with friends at school. I have heard good comments from teachers how he is a good team player. sociable and happy so i really just think he doesnt want to do things with ME. The area they live in also does not have much going on, But i usually have suggestions of things where tehre are stuff to do which is not to far away but neither the parents or the child want to go there.

I don't think you need to selected very outside activities in order to bond with him. Why not suggesting going down to the supermarket, buying loads of sweets and making a huge explosion cake? I'd be flabbergasted if any nine year old boy said no to that? Surely that would be fun?

Sorry - press post too soon. I'm not suggesting this is the sort of thing you do daily, but I also have a nine year old charge and right now the only things she loves are the computer and tv too.

But because i have gone to so much trouble to show her i like her, value her opinion etc, if I ask her to turn the telly off and come do something else, she will. She will also come to me and chat and tell me about things that are going on at school. I think that's because she can tell I like her!

I think this can be a transition age for lots of children, and where some can 'go wrong'... So that's why I think it's more important than ever to stay on their side during this time.

I have asked the parents about baking before but she would rather no baking is done in the house as she only has certain products in the house regarding food because of their diets. The child is not really keen on sweets and only likes some chocolates.
He also does not like going supermarkets and does not usually go with his parents one of them stays home and the other parents does the shopping.I know what i am doing here i have been a nanny for 18 years so i do know what sort of things to do with children, In this case it is not working!

Also he loves the tv and electronics if i tell him to turn it off which i have done loads so we can do stuff or for him to talk to me he tells parents and they tell me if he wants to tv or electronics he can!I dont want to force him and make him more misreble!

Well if you're not allowed to go anywhere or do anything the problem isn't with the child, is it? What alternatives does he have at home if the tv / computer aren't available?

In my job, nothing I could ever dream of wanting to do would be not allowed because I want to do things the children will enjoy / benefit from!

"that this is the way he is and theres nothing i can do"
"very good at his school work especially maths Italian and Art" - how about physics, electronics, mechanics, computers? I expect those may be subjects he's good with as well.
"only has certain products in the house regarding food because of their diets." - Is the child on a special diet?

Given that he is 9 years old and thus could go to holiday clubs during school holidays and is attending school during term time... why do the parents need a nanny?
From how you describe things, it does not seem to me that they particularly want you to be doing that much directly with him... so what is it that you are supposed to be doing... why are you there?

Doesn't really sound like a typical nanny job. More like a housekeeper type role perhaps. Is that where the problem is perhaps... that it's more about looking after the house, clothes etc, than actual childcare?

He likes the cinema, so can you take him there? Can you find other things to do with his interests - in school holidays visits to museums such as the Science Museum or Science Discovery Centres?

At age 9 I would not expect him to want to play games with you. Computers hold much more interest. However if you have Power Cut, then he may play Monopoly.

From the way you describe it, it does sound like a lost cause because the parents seem happy for the boy to have an extremely limited life.

It is quite possible that the boy does not really, deep down, dislike you but that he is transferring unhappiness, frustration and boredom on to you.

I think now that you do need to look for another job. When I replied to your post initially, I didn't realize that you had that much experience - presumably you have some jobs on your CV where you stayed longer and from where you have good or very good references?

I would still have a conversation with them to understand what exactly it is that they expect from you and to point out that the boy doesn't seem very happy. But I would also say that you are not happy with the situation either because you are so restricted in terms of what you are able to do and, at the same time, are fully aware that the boy is not happy. If you get the wrong answers in that conversation, you'll know that it is definitely time to move.

He sounds quite a lot like me at the age of 9. He also sounds like some boys around that age whom I know. Is this the first 9 year old boy you have cared for?

If he's reluctant to do activities that you suggest then you could bring something to the home that you start to do and he sees you doing a few times... On the 2nd or 3rd occasion, act exasperated and say that you are stuck and ask if he can help you..

i.e if he's good at Maths then why not bring a Sudoku puzzle book round and be doing them while he's with you.. He'll be keen to show you that he can do them himself..

If it's art then maybe something more creative and ask him for his help.. Don't tell him to do the activity.. ask him to help you as you are struggling.. and sound genuine as kids can see through guises very quickly!!

To Nanny nick the way you pin point things are quite funny.
I am a nanny and i do some housekeeping too.
the parents do not want to send him to a holiday club as they have employed me instead of that,Thats what nannies do? I do after school child care and teh parents need a nanny because they both work full time? so tey need somone to collect their son from school make the tea etc??Also with this job i look after the boy rather then the house. Special diets are dairy free,soya and diebetic, he is not on any special diets the parents are.
Yes i know i can take him to cinema and he does not want to go museum with me he goes with parents.and thats how they want that.
Yes i have been in the work line for very long and was a live in nanny myself for 10 years! I have played games with children who are 12 and 9 in the past so thats why i know other children dont mind, also he does like playing games he has lots in his room but he plays them with his friends or he chooses to usually play with his parents. He is not the first 9 year old i have cared for he is the 4th!Also nanny nick are you a nanny? I KNOW that he doesnt like me along with parents because like i have said i have heard it in conversation myself! I am not ahppy there and will be leaving!

pineapple - step back and deep breath!

People here do not know your whole life working history. They are making suggestions of things to try. Some of them you may have tried before, some of the suggestions may not work. But that is what they are - suggestions. They are asking questions to get a bigger picture. We can't all guess that you've looked after 9 year olds before. Nannynicks comments about after school clubs and holiday clubs were made because a lot of people do not use nannies for children that age and that if they do they very often fall into the nanny-housekeeper catagory.

You came here for some advice, please don't get all high and mighty when people give it to you.

My advice is that if it is the 4th 9 year old you have looked after you must have realised quite some time ago that you and he haven't clicked - so it is time to hand in your notice and move on.

By the sound of it, you should start looking for another job so you have something to leave for before they decide they don't need a nanny and use an au pair or afterschool club plus a cleaner.
I have an 8 yr old son, he is looked after by an au pair after school. I totally expect him to watch some tv, play on a computer console and generally veg out after school - he has sports clubs after school some nights (so au pair drops him off and picks him up), in my opinion he has a good balance between activities and 'being an 8 yr old boy'. He would not be impressed if the au pair tried to get him to do activities (she does with his sister who is 6 and loves all the craft, baking, board games).
If the parents are happy with the boy playing on the computer etc, then I would cut him some slack and let him. Maybe he'ld be happier if he wasn't feeling that he was under pressure to do 'stuff' after school.

I think that the main point here is that they are discussing you behind your back and not in a nice way.. Actually they all sound a bit superior and frankly smug.. sorry to say that they may just view you as 'staff' rather than a valuable part of their family arrangements.

My 3 kids at nine(2 boys in the mix) ADORED computers but if I suggested monopoly would be there in a flash.. ususally all they want at that age is adult attention.

You sound very unhappy and well qualified and its a no brainer.. leave..

I am trying to establish reasons for why you took this job on 7 months ago, why the parents felt the need to have a nanny rather than other forms of care, plus seeing if the child may have special needs (if he was on a special diet, combined with how you describe his interests and lack of bonding, it may have been an indicator to Autism).

As a nanny, I would not apply for a job caring just for a 9 year old. I expect I am like many other nannies, in that I mostly work with children under the age of 5. Therefore I am trying to establish why it is that you did apply for this job... given your level of previous experience.

"they need somone to collect their son from school make the tea etc?"
So why are you trying to do lots of things with him? You are mostly there to stop him wrecking the home, injuring himself, making him tea, trying to get him to do homework... aren't you?

You are not happy there, so leave. Does not sound like you want to try to fix things and it doesn't sound as though trying to fix things will actually help - as you won't fix the parents attitude.

Be prepared though for your next employer to ask you about the job, about why it is that you decided to leave after 7 months... rather than say within the first 2 months. A future employer may be wondering the same thing I am... why you would apply for that job in the first place and not work with younger children.

Have only read the op.

If you want to stay and sort it out you need to ask them for a meeting. If you want to leave just give them written notice. You don't need to say why.