Au pairs and food

[neva]

What do you do if you find your au pair has specific dietary requirements (which she did not tell you about in her application)? I provide bread, cheese, fruit, tomatoes, yoghurt etc for her lunches, but instead of eating these she eats foods such as pasta and vegetables. This is a problem because these foods are intended for our evening meals, and my budget doesn't run to keeping the fridge full of the fresh organic veg which she prefers.

I tend to think that ap should accept what is provided (when I was an au pair, I would never have dreamt of asking my family to provide special food for me!) Am I being unreasonable? Ideas welcome. Many thanks.

What are her dietary requirements? Have you told her what is for lunch and what is for dinner and she has refused?

Buy cheaper pasta and cheaper veg. The essentials pasta at Waitrose is about 80p and very good.

At least it is just pasta and veg she is eating - it could be salmon, speciality bread and exotic fruit or something even more expensive. We've had a few threads on here about au pairs and exotic tastes and about huge food consumption. Pasta and veg is quite a normal lunch and a lot of people would eat this, so I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to provide it.

I think if you have something in the fridge that you have earmarked to cook in the evening then you should just pop a note on it

It depends what the dietary requirements are. If, for example, she can't have milk then there are plenty of substitutes she can have without eating the pasta and veg for dinner. Tell her that in your house you have X, Y or Z for lunch and A, B and C are for dinner. Saying that I exist on pasta and rice mostly so would see if we could compromise, maybe by buying cheaper pasta!

Is she from a country where the culture would be to eat a large meal at midday? Or somewhere where pasta and veg are dietary staples and the cheapest things to eat?

I don't know if you are being unreasonable, whether she's being unreasonable or whether it's a communication problem. When I see these posts I always try to think of it from their POV if they're from somewhere it would be normal to do the things I mention above. Imagine: My host mother seems to really resent me eating lunch. I only eat pasta and vegetables which they always have in the fridge because I'm used to having a hot lunch.....and so on.

You need to sit down and talk this through with her. Explain that it might be different in her country but here you eat sandwiches and yog/fruit for lunch with a hot meal in the evening which is what the pasta and veg is for.

I also provide only sandwich food for lunch which she is expected to prepare for herself. I make that clear on the first day. I also say that extras like snacks are on her account.

I would agree with Laurie's approach to buy inexpensive pasta and veg. Definitely won't agree to buying organic veg on a daily basis.

Most of my aupairs did not ask for speciality foods to be paid for by me, though I might include the odd item in the weekly shop out of goodwill. I think it is a little forward to expect the family to pay for a high maintenance diet on a daily basis. However, in your case, pasta and non-organic veg can be got quite cheaply.

If she won't compromise, I would give her a sum which amounts to the cost of feeding her on your terms and let her get on with it.

To be honest, cheese sandwiches every day would get a little dull - pasta is quite a usual/reasonable lunch food isn't it? She's not cooking a three course roast dinner for her lunch, I'd assume sandwiches, pasta, salad, soup is pretty normal for lunch.

I'm a nanny rather than an au pair, but the lunch I eat at work (with the children) is usually pasta, noodles, couscous or soup. In fact, the only time we tend to have sandwiches is when we take a packed lunch out with us.

Thanks. Having read your posts, think I could compromise by buying cheap pasta. Not so sure there is any such thing as cheap veg in my area, but will have a go.

She also won't eat the 'easy' foods I leave her to prepare for herself and dd when I can't get home early; eg, oven chips, pizza, breaded chicken. (Best quality, and there is salad and fresh fruit, too). Nor the breakfast cereals/toast provided for breakfast (have already conceded on this one, buying the specific foods she specified in her first week).

Still tend to think on principle that staying in someone else's house, you accept what's on offer, unless, say, you have an allergy, and that it's for the ap to adapt to the family, not the other way round!

So is she just fussy rather than having dietary requirements? I'd just expect her to eat the food you usually eat, with fruit and bread as an alternative.

What are the specific foods she wants?

If she's fussy then she should adapt. That's what part of the idea of an AP exchange is. Genuine dietary requirements are fair enough but it sounds as though she's just being a bit princess-y about food.

She is into 'healthy' eating and unprocessed foods. We do eat healthily as a family, within our budget. The foods offered to her are identical to those we are eat ourselves.

When we are eating together as a family I would certainly not be providing a separate meal for her, and wouldn't find it acceptable for her to be cooking for herself (too much palaver in the kitchen!) Bread and fruit always available in case of hunger pangs.

Maybe you could let her choose one or two special items to go on the shopping list every week.

I'm one of the posters who has had a thread in the past about an au pair with expensive dietary needs. A bit similar to you in that she said that she ate 'everything except offal' but in reality was on an extreme 'healthy eating' diet with no carbs, so ate fruit, veg and soup made from organic stock powder. We eat vegetarian and are far from unhealthy (no processed foods except soya sausages because my ds is a fussy thing and won't eat them). She would eat part of our evening meal (without the carb) but with extra salad. Our deal with the au pairs is in our 'handbook' and says that they can help themselves to food and that we will buy foods that are requested so I found it difficult to say 'eat some pasta/rice/bread and fill yourself up!'
Our food bill doubled when she was here!
The eating of fruit/veg is, I think, particularly annoying because you need to keep buying them (if they ate all the biscuits you could stop buying them, or just 1 pack a week, if they eat all the salad you have to replace it...and then they eat it before you get home anyway).
Our au pair was definitely thinking that we were 'rich' and therefore it wasn't a problem. And (the week before she left) even made comments on how our supermarket bill was so low compared to other host families (I pointed out that we don't buy Meat or alcohol and that she had only thought about the big weekly shop and not all the top-ups during the week which almost doubled the amount).
I kept her for the full time she was meant to stay, but having had lovely au pairs both before and after her, I think I should have just got rid of her sooner. A knock-on effect of her not eating properly was that she was continually cold and had the heating on max all day - cost us a fortune in oil as well. And at one point I found her literally taking the veg from my dc for her own plate and leaving them with noodles and a couple of beansprouts each (whilst she had a plate of stir fry veg).
Hope yours is not as bad as that!
I would go for talking to her first - and cheaper pasta (there are worse things for them to eat), and maybe pointing out what is for dinner (do you menu-plan so it's easy to see what can't be touched?), but if there is no change then learn from my mistake and start looking for someone else before you spend every evening rushing to the shops to get veg.

I feel for you, millarkie.

I too would nip any attitude of entitlement to free spending of host family's money in the bud. How cheeky to comment on your 'low' supermarket bill, as if money grew on trees. My current aupair also has the heating on throughout the day. When I come home from work, the house is boiling hot. I am biting my tongue and hoping for warmer weather soon.

The heating is a hard one though. I don't have it on in the day because we have a big house and it's horribly expensive, but it can be as low as 12o inside, and I'd have a job telling someone else living in my house they had to put up with it. If I'm freezing I'd light the fire, but I def wouldn't trust any of the aps we've ever had with a fire - they were all so much more ditsy than I was at 20. They make me feel quite old fogey in-my-day ish actually.

Re the food thing, I have always been quite strict regarding no separate food, except buying the odd snack thing that they wanted. One ap instructed me that I had to supply her with 2l of Evian water everyday. I just said that the tap water was fine for her just like every one else in the family and she didn't ask again.

Off topic, but it's my fault it's being discussed, the heating thing - we also have a big house which is expensive to heat - last au pair would put the heating on all day (and all night on a couple of horrendous 'oh my god I'm being baked in my sleep' occasions) at 25+ degrees (at one point we used £125 of oil in one week). Fast forward a year, same big, potentially cold house - current au pair (altogether lovely and considerate) uses the plug-in heater we've provided for her room (which old au pair would also have blasting away) and on very cold days she boosts the heating so the rest of the house is warm when the kids get in from school. Kitchen is always warm - has an aga so there is always one warm room anyway.
Its the difference in the au pair's attitude - from 'they can afford it and I want to be hot in every room all day long' to 'it's sensible to heat the room I'm in rather than the whole house' that makes the difference.
Back to the food issues - good luck to the OP

I had a dippy AP who decided just to subsist on veg, and her energy levels dropped something rotten, and I found her asleep on duty mid afternoon a few times when she was supposed to be looking after the children. I actually told her family about this as I started to get worried about her health (they were quite nice and sensible). But I was glad to see the back of her in the end.

WRT heating, I always make climate change arguments about this as this hits home a lot harder with that age group.

Our au pair is into healthy eating, but she also knows we shop on a very tight budget; so we compromise. I buy her a few items for her own consumption per week that we don't tend to buy for ourselves (i.e. lactose-free milk, plain yoghurt, fresh fish, muesli), and then she eats our food, but adjusts it to suit her.

It really is about give and take, and good communication - which isn't a problem if both parties are reasonable.

in a lot of countries the bread, cheese, yoghurt and fruit you leave for lunch time would be seen as breakfast items. and most would boak at the oven ready teas you're leaving. it's quite a culture shock. so you either tell them to get used to your way. or you pay up to make things their way. or, you compromise.

is she your first ap? and is it her first ap job? i think your situation could be a typical example of different expectations and different /eating/ habits on both sides.
is the only problem she eats pasta and not sandwiches for lunch? lots of people, including british, consider that as reasonable lunch. btw where is she from? probably from a country where a hot lunch is a norm /adn perhaps a hot evening meal as well/. it is then very difficult to feed your body just cold sandwiches for lunch on daily basis. lots of foreigners also find british bread not very tasty /if not hardly edible/ and also not very filling. its bad enough trying to adapt to everything else in a strange country but if you cant eat properly because you feel the family doesnt let you it makes your life thouroughly miserable. i hav enoticed, too, that often british people eat smaller portions then people from other countries.
so while i realize the whole ap thing is about learning and experiencing the life in the uk, i feel there needs to be some space not to make it uncomfortable /for both ap and the hostfamily/.
she might not at all realize, unless you specifically told her, that bread and cheese are for lunch and not breakfast and pasta are for dinner in your house. also , if you told her you eat healthily in your household /which i think you said you have/ it probably didnt occure to her that this could include things like chips or chicken in breadcrumbs or ready made meals.
if you think you need to address it with her i would suggest you sit her down, explain what people in your family eat for breakfast/lucnch/dinner and that you have a budget for food. explain what is considered as a treat or what is for children only. ask her what typical meals would be consisting of in her country. then perhaps ask her how far does she think she can adapt and you can work out what you are able to afford to buy to keep her happy foodwise.

'Still tend to think on principle that staying in someone else's house, you accept what's on offer, unless, say, you have an allergy, and that it's for the ap to adapt to the family, not the other way round!'

... if you are staying, yes. but she is living there so def. should be able to choose her own cereal! what 'special' food is she demanding? from what you've written in your posts i feel you are beeing a bit unreasonable imho.

i know i am lucky, but my family buys me basically everything i like to eat, some of which they dont eat at all. i get my own pots of soups, own yoghurts, own vegetables /carrots, lettuce, frozen sweetcorn/, special type of bread, different cereals if i want them and even raisins/nuts and an occasional bar of chocolate. we eat different stuff for lunch /unless db likes what i had cooked for myself/ and then tea together, usually prepared by the family.

i always intended for aupair to feel like one of the family. She is an adult - we do not dictate what she should eat or when. My dh and i both work long hours so rarely eat an evening meal during the week (if we do its often 8.30 which is too late for her to eat.....tbh its late i accept that). Mostly we try to eat lunchtime at work. If we do cook of an evening we cook enough for her to have for lunch next day. (and us!)
At weekends we cook family meals which she shares.
I buy what she likes - not what i think she should eat. cereal, bread, cheese, salad, fruit, vegetables some fish. If there is something in particular she wants she writes on the board and i get it at next shop. (this week was kiwi fruit)i know she likes choc so i sometimes buy luxury choc deserts as a treat. so its a few extra pennies here and there. she is happy. i am happy and most importantly my ds is happy spending time with her before we get home from work.
i have shown her how to put on heating during day if she gets cold. however the house is not generally cold and her room is in the loft and therefore warmer anyway. she is sensible girl and is happy to just put thicker jumper on rather than heat whole house up when its just her there.

I tend to buy my aupair what she likes within reason. The aupairs I have had have only asked for a few extra things which I am happy to accommodate.

I really don't think pasta and veg is an unreasonable request for lunch - she could be insisting on eating expensive meat and organic fruit and veg every day.

What I do find is that my current AP is used to having a very large hot meal both at lunchtime and dinner too, which I think is a cultural thing. My au pair eats lots of food, and very unhealthily too, but that is her choice and I wouldn't like to tell her what she can and can't eat, and how much of something she is allowed to eat.

To manage my budget I buy cheaper alternatives where possible, write up a clear menu plan so she doesn't end up eating what I have already earmarked, and I don't replenish non-essientials during the week if they run out- such as biscuits, crisps etc. I also find bulk buying food from places like makro and costco helps too.

I think you are faced with 2 choices here - either you can tell her what she can have for lunch and risk upsetting her, or buy cheaper pasta and veg instead of the organic variety for her - which I think would be a compromise on both parts.

on of the aupair i know was told yesterday, that basically what she is allowed for lunch is bread and butter! hope she'll realize that this is not acceptable and either makes the family to accept that or leave!

@ Catepillarr

does she have gruel for dinner too?

We do expect our Au Pair to adapt to what we eat to a certain extent but I am more than happy to get her the food she likes including things that only she will eat, and my justification for this is that DH and DCs don't eat fish or drink coffee but that wouldn't stop me buying it for myself.