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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Can I have your opinions please (live-in nannies particularly)

35 replies

andagain · 29/01/2010 10:10

Hello all.
We have a live-in nanny who has been with us for 9 months. She is great with our daughter, looks after her well etc and they get on really well.
Her working hours are Mon-Wed 7.30-.5.30. (For a bit of background she was with us full time for four months and then when our DD started nursery this changed to three days but she still lives with us full time, that was the agreement from the beginning and everyone is happy with it. Basically I wanted continuity of care for our DD and thought this was best).

She rarely goes out (but that is a different thread) and has dinner with us every night, which we prepare and which is fine with us. The thing that really bugs me is that she washes up on average once a month if that. Now, of course it is not in her contract that she washes up but I just thought it was common curtesy to share the washing up, setting table etc if you are eating dinner with people. If my husband cooks, I'll wash up and the other way around but she never does it, or hardly ever. We sit down and have dinner and then when she's done she drops her plate in the sinks and walks off to watch tv.

Would it be a bit off for me to say something? Or am I being a bit of a pushover?

How does it work with other people in live-in posts, or with live-in nannies?

I can't help thinking that she is taking the mick as, in the evening we have all done full day's work and it is only fair that we share duties around meal times.

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Original poster

andagain · 29/01/2010 10:12

errr "sink" not sinks.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 29/01/2010 10:22

hmm...tricky.

I would make some household chores part of her duties on Mon-wed to make up for you doing all the cooking/washing up. I think it would be tricky to broach her doing chores on the other days but maybe if you get on well you could just put a rota up? Does she not help at all Thursday- Sunday? No babysitting? If she babysat you could get some household chores in there maybe?

Original poster

andagain · 29/01/2010 10:31

Thank you Laurie...

Yes she babysits on Thursday evenings, that is in her contract but that's it.

I feel it's wrong to ask her to do anything then at her contract says babysitting rather than any other duties.

Very tricky, I don't want to upset her in any way, she is young and far away from home and I do want her to feel part of the family but I think it should not involve me tidying up after her.

OP posts:

frakkinaround · 29/01/2010 10:33

I would start asking her if she minds washing up while you do X, Y or Z. Or if she could set the table as dinner is nearly ready. You obviously need to spell it out to her but I don't think it calls for a sit down chat in much the same way that I ask DH to get plates out/tidy the table.

How old is she (roughly?) as if she's very young she just might not think to do her own washing up or share in the process. Equally if this is her first live-in role or she's never been in a houseshare before she's probably never been told that this it's the norm to pitch in/tidy up after herself.

frakkinaround · 29/01/2010 10:34

x-post - just seen you said she's young. She probably hasn't been in a position where she's had to tidy up after herself before so just needs reminding/showing what to do when you live with other adults.

Original poster

andagain · 29/01/2010 10:45

You're right frakkinaround, I think she just doesn't know that is really the norm (or I assume it is). She is 21.
I don't want to make a big deal out of it but I feel I need to say something. Just suggesting she does it every now and then is probably the best way forward.
I am just so nervous about upsetting her in any way as she is so lovely wiht DD.

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/01/2010 12:44

unusual for live in nannys to eat with employers every night but if you and she are happy with this,then do as frannie says and ask her to wash up (do you not hve a dw) or load the ds while you sweep the floor etc

Lifeinagoldfishbowl · 29/01/2010 12:58

I am a live in nanny and I also eat with the family at least 4 nights a week - as would be silly for me to cook for myself half an hour later

Some nights mb comes home and cooks, this might be because myself and charge are out when she gets home, sometimes we will be home but she will get started on the meal and other times I will cook (50/50) a meal for everyone, whoever cooks, also sets the table as it's literally a couple of placmats and cutlery, but we will both tidy up after supper, loading the dishwasher, cleaning the table, wiping down oven/surfaces, cleaning up charge etc

Strix · 29/01/2010 14:27

I would probably tell her that DH and are are working out a rota so the dinner chores are spread fairly and ask if she wants to take part, but of course you would understand if she just wanted to eat on her own. Hence, giving her the choice joining in or cooking/cleaning for herself.

I would definitely not be inclined to cokk and clean for my nanny with no help from her.

In my house, nanny cooks for the kids. I come home and cook for me and bugger off up to my room. Nanny comes along and makes something for herself.

Original poster

andagain · 29/01/2010 14:46

The thing is that it never entered my mind that our nanny would want to eat dinner with us every night to begin with (our previous nanny certainly didn't, which is of course fine).
It seems from all the posts, very helpful to me, that some kind of rota or gentle reminder is the way forward.
Thank you

OP posts:

gruber · 29/01/2010 15:22

When I lived in we had an amicable sort of arrangement whereas if MB cooked, I'd wash up and load the dishes or other way round. Worked really well and then you get free time one side of dinner so that you're not stuck in the kitchen for hours.

HarrietTheSpy · 29/01/2010 16:58

We are still adapting to a live-in arrangement with our au pair. So I understand why these situations can be hard. But I think it's absolutely fine to ask for help setting the table and cleaning up. This isn't a 'contractual' issue at all, by the way, this is a basic 'we live together, we eat together, let's be polite to each other' sort of thing.

thenewbornnanny · 29/01/2010 17:01

We have a rule of whoever cooks the other person cleans up after. Apart from dadboss whose only job it would appear is to eat the food.

NannyNorthLlondon · 30/01/2010 13:50

I have been a live-in nanny for 3 years and i was just 18 when I started my first position but I never expected for somebody to clean after me.I think your nanny its not used to clean after herself or she is just lazzy.You should probably have a chat and put in her duties to wash the plates in the day she is working.This is how it was for me in my second position and it worked perfectlly.At 21 you are not that young anymore , if she was 16 it was different story.

Original poster

andagain · 30/01/2010 14:27

Thank you so much for your views.
I agree NannyNorthLondon, 21 is not that young. You should certainly not expect others to clean up after you. I figure this should apply nanny or not.
I think we'll have a chat this weekend

OP posts:

BoffinMum · 31/01/2010 21:41

I have had this problem with APs and a nanny all in this age group. Many of them are so used to be waited on hand and foot by their mums, that it doesn't occur to them for a minute that they are being rather selfish (and sometimes even exhausting).

Quite often I have had to say plainly to them that it is normal to take a turn emptying the bin, putting other people's mugs into the dishwasher if you're loading it anyway, washing up after meals, etc. Some of them just respond with an 'OK, I see' and start joining in, whereas others are very resentful about it indeed, see it as personal criticism, and start treating me as though I am a nagging parent.

You're going to have to say something, but very, very tactfully IMO.

BoffinMum · 31/01/2010 21:43

BTW I now mention this in interviews - it's the first question! 'Would you put two mugs in the dishwasher if they were sitting on the side and you were loading it anyway?"

catepilarr · 01/02/2010 16:16

i have to say i am appalled by some people's behaviour and sence of entitlement. i would find it hard to believe that there can be people like that if my own sister wasnt like that too. i find that very frustrating. and agree she needs to be told you expect her to share the chores before it all builds up. hope it goes well.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/02/2010 18:33

boff, are you saying that mr boff doesnt put his coffee mug away in dw, or are you the shameful one

ANDAGAIN did you have your chat at the weekend?

BoffinMum · 01/02/2010 21:28

Cheeky wench.

If you must ask, it is our Teasmade tray. Yes, snicker away, all of you. We have a Teasmade and two mugs, and on days when we are both commuting we bring down the tray with the little teapot and the mugs, and leave it by the dw as we dash out the door.

Now you lot know all my inner secrets.

Original poster

andagain · 02/02/2010 09:49

Hello all,
Thank you for all the interest and helpful suggestions.
No we didn't have the chat this weekend as she was out and then we went away so we didn't see her until this morning (when she was 15 mins late, as she was on the computer!) . But,we have spent a lot of time thinking about this and other little things that niggle me and that don't seem such a big thing when looked at separately, but when put together seem like I am being taken for a ride. So I have written it all down and am a bit shocked at how much stuff I let go without saying anything (yes my own fault for being a wimp) because I know my daughter is happy with this nanny and I don't want to rock the boat but it seems I am doing a hell of a lot work (on top of my full time job) which my nanny should be and is not, in order to keep her with us and keep her and my daughter happy. And whilst my priority is of course my daughter's happiness, I am sure that it is not mutually exclusive with nanny clearing up after herself and my daughter, and turning up for work (one flight of stairs away from her bedroom!) on time, to name a few things.
I think it might be time for a full on review, rather than just a little chat about washing up.
Thank you all.

OP posts:

frakkinaround · 02/02/2010 09:52

Reviews are great, but do give your nanny a little time to prepare as she may have things she wants to bring up.

Good luck!

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/02/2010 11:24

boffy - you need a 3 cup one so that nanny gets a cuppa

15mins late and lives in

def need a chat, do keep us filled in x

BoffinMum · 02/02/2010 15:44

It is bad enough remembering to put a dressing gown on myself without getting DH all sartorially prepared to go discreetly to a nanny's bedroom with a cuppa (he does the pouring and delivering, you see). He would probably go in the buff one morning by accident, and she would think he had gone all Jude Law. So none of that nonsense. But perhaps on the job spec I should have put 'own teasmade provided' LOL!

BoffinMum · 02/02/2010 15:46

Although it has to be said DH is a kind of genetic hybrid of Bruce Willis, Ian Hislop and James VI of Scotland, rather than Jude Law. But you get my drift ...

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