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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Am I being a bit oversensitive about my CM? Be honest

47 replies

LadyBiscuit · 26/01/2010 23:42

My DS, who is nearly 3, has been going to the same CM for about 18 months. She is a very no-nonsense lady who is turning 60 this year and she looks after her grandson sometimes (who is 4), a little girl the same age as my DS and a baby. I have always liked her but think she can be quite strict.

He has always made a bit of a fuss about going there but in the last few months he has been saying repeatedly 'I don't want to go to X's' - this morning he woke up crying and saying it

At the weekend he said to me 'I am a naughty boy' and I said 'no, you're not a naughty boy, you are a good boy but sometimes you are naughty. But I always, always love you.' And I can only think this 'naughty boy' stuff comes from her. My DS is a really sweet kid on the whole - he's not perfect by any means but he's not a 'naughty' child - I've never had to lock cupboards or hide things away. And besides, I hate labelling children.

When I arrived to collect him this evening, her grandson opened the door with my DS's beloved car in his hand. He said that my DS wasn't allowed to have his car unless he ate all his dinner (he is a rubbish eater). Fair enough I thought. Then my DS comes out, sobbing, followed by his CM who says that he did indeed eat all his dinner so that he would get his car back. And then she said that she had also said to him that if he didn't eat it, he wouldn't be able to go home!

He recovered from his upset pretty quickly but he has a lot of nightmares which are a lot worse during the week than at weekends and I'm starting to wonder if he is actually really unhappy there and if I should move him. The 'I not going to X's' is a constant refrain every day that he doesn't go (he is there 3 1/2 days).

Or am I being a bit PFB about it? I really don't know.

OP posts:

NotAPollyanna · 27/01/2010 00:02

That's a tough one and I am not sure what to advise. I would try to look into the situation a bit more and bump this post tomorrow when there are more people about. I would try to follow your instinct as you know your little boy best and can work out if his upset is fletting separation anxiety etc or if he is genuinely unhappy there. I hope some MNetters who use CMs can advise more. I don't think you are being PFB, it is difficult to know a lot of the time when your lo is so young. Have you asked the CM how he is during the day?

BooHooo · 27/01/2010 00:05

No you are not being oversensitive at all.

This would really bother me. esp. your last paragraph. Poor little lad!

sugartits · 27/01/2010 00:08

Move him.

Sazisi · 27/01/2010 00:08

I think she sounds ott, and your ds is obviously not happy going there.
Saying that he can't go home if he doesn't eat his dinner is just mean.

I am a childminder btw.

CarGirl · 27/01/2010 00:10

Those sort of threats by a profession carer are IMHO not on.

I would look at other minders in the area and see what is out there. Or perhaps consider a daycare nursery as an alternative to pre-school now that he is older.

I don't think it's an urgent rush to remove him asap but it sounds like he needs more nurturing and no threats.

Sazisi · 27/01/2010 00:10

not trying to advertise myself (am full anyway!) - just that I can't imagine any circs in which I'd threaten a child with that!

Original poster

LadyBiscuit · 27/01/2010 00:11

I will bump tomorrow but thanks for replying notapollyanna. She says he's happy during the day and he's often fine when I drop him off and when I collect him. But he's been getting more and more anxious about going there recently.

I wonder actually if it is connected to potty training. We had a go (at her instigation) before Xmas and I really didn't think he was ready and after about a month of him weeing and pooing everywhere (he only ever poos at home) I decided to give up and try again later. But, as I said, he's nearly 3 (in March) and the other little girl the CM looks after has been dry since September and she is always trying to get my DS to be competitive and want to be the same as the other little girl. But that really isn't how he works. He's really stubborn and he's not remotely interested in doing something because all the other children are doing it.

I will post again in the morning. Thing is that my mum looks after him a day a week at the moment which she won't do after April. So I am going to take up his free nursery place then. And rather than him being 4 days with his CM and 1 with the nursery, I'm wondering if I should split it 3/2 and then if he seems happier at the nursery, just move him there full time

OP posts:

Poledra · 27/01/2010 00:11

This would bother me - my DDs have been at my CM's for up to 5.5 years, and have very rarely said they do not want to go. In fact, thinking on it, it was only when I was on mat leave with DD3 that DD1 did not want to go, and that was connected to me being at home and her starting school and generally too many new things at once.

Looking at your OP again, this would definitely set my alarm bells ringing and I'd be investigating it further. And looking at different childcare provision.

Original poster

LadyBiscuit · 27/01/2010 00:12

Ooh sorry, loads of posts while I was typing my epic response! Thank you all so much - I'm glad you don't think I'm overreacting. I do like her but I think she's quite tough with boys and my boy is not a very tough thing

OP posts:

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 27/01/2010 00:13

i'd be livid about the naughty boy stuff and the car, and the grandson getting to express an opinion. tbh i'd be furious about the lot of it.

CarGirl · 27/01/2010 00:18

I think the nursery thing sounds a good solution. Could you start him at nursery now 2 days a week or something and cut back on the CM if he seems happy? I say 2 days per week for nursery because I think it's hard for them to settle if they go only once per week.

Mine always loved going to the CM

Original poster

LadyBiscuit · 27/01/2010 00:19

She did tell the grandson to stop interfering and it was none of his business but he opened the door and he was holding the car. Which did really piss me off I have to say. She's very old-fashioned and she does really care for my DS, I know she does, but I think she thinks he's a bit of a soft mummy's boy. Which he is and to be honest, I'm glad. He's started hitting me in the last week too and he's never done that before. That might be his age though I suppose.

I feel really awkward about leaving because I've always really liked her and she's been so flexible but in the last 6 months or so, I've felt a bit uneasy about things

OP posts:

RemyMartin · 27/01/2010 00:19

I would be very unhappy about that, and would move him. Don't think kids should be forced to clear their plates anyway. Also the threatening him with not going home thing must have been terrifying for him.

RemyMartin · 27/01/2010 00:20

If you feel uneasy go with your instinct.

LisaD1 · 27/01/2010 00:20

I am shocked at how mean this woman sounds, your poor son :-(

I'm a CM and it makes me really angry when I read things like this. I don't think she sounds right for your son (or indeed anybody elses for that matter!)

Do you have any other childcare options? I would seriously look at moving my child if this were me.

Hope your little boy is ok.

kaffers · 27/01/2010 00:24

I personally would not be happy with the things your childminder has said to your DS - saying he can't go home seems totally inappropriate and scary for a 3 yr old child to hear (even if she didn't mean it to be). Even taking the car away is a bit odd - surely she shouldn't be making such an issue out of eating and involving other kids? She may mean well but it sounds like she's insensitive and causing unnecessary stress for him. Good luck with what you decide - it's horrible having to change childcare and do the whole settling thing again (been there myself but I don't regret it at all after I found out that my first childminder was not as great as I'd originally thought).

leeloo1 · 27/01/2010 00:26

She doesn't sound like a great CM (or a very nice person) tbh, she shouldn't be getting the children to compete over potty training, telling him he's 'naughty' or making threats that she won't follow through on (i.e. that he can't go home). And if she took his favourite toy away then it should have been on a shelf - not given to her grandson to play with.

Also, if I was desperately worried that I wouldn't be allowed to go home that night and that my favourite toy had been taken away then I wouldn't be able to eat much dinner, so he must have been desperate to please her to eat it.

The fact that she proudly told you about the unkind things she's been saying to your DS would make me worry what she's been saying thats worse that you don't hear about.

Your LO sounds like he is telling you pretty clearly that he is unhappy and having nightmares - if it was my child then I'd be handing in my notice asap.

Original poster

LadyBiscuit · 27/01/2010 00:28

Oh dear, I've made her sound terrible and she really isn't most of the time. She's very affectionate and kind and when my DS went back after Xmas he gave her a big hug. But she isn't young and her grandson is quite a handful and as there are only the two boys I think she tars them with the same brush. And to be fair, my son is a total pain in the arse about food - he will say that he wants baked beans on toast, jump up and down while you're making them and then refuse to eat them when they arrive on his plate. Would try the patience of a saint frankly.

But ... I need him to have 5 days of childcare rather than 3.5 and I think I will do what cargirl suggests and take him to the nursery for 2 days. If he seems much happier there, then I will switch over full time.

OP posts:

navyeyelasH · 27/01/2010 00:31

I am a nanny turned childminder

Taking how your son may or may not feel (as you say it's hard to know what he's like when you're gone) out of the equation.

Do you think it's ok for ger to tell your son he is naughty? Or tell him he can't go home utill he has eaten his dinner? Some children and parents don't mind this as that is how they parent, but it sounds like this is not the case for you?

FWIW, I will try all sorts of tricks to get a child who is well and normally eats fine to eat their dinner if they are having an off day. The reason being lack of food only make children more tired and more "off" as the day goes on.

I would (and do) withhold yogurt which we generally have as a pudding, after our fruit and to some that is extreme. I would also have withheld the car (assuming he was playing with the car instead of eating) but I wouldn't let another child play with the car - that's just rubbing it in!

Casmama · 27/01/2010 00:33

I think she is not necessarily a bad person or particularly unkind but her methods are out of whack with your attitude to parenting and as such it seems harsh to both you and your ds (and me if I'm honest)I think it is a great idea to get him into nursery and if he enjoys it, get him in full time and just explain to her that as he is getting older you want to get him into more structured childcare to prepare him better for school and have him socialised with lots of other children. As long as you say you appreciate everything she has done for you yadda yadda yadda, I don't see how she can really object.

Toughasoldboots · 27/01/2010 00:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl · 27/01/2010 00:46

To me a child who is a poor eater should only have positive associations with food so punishing non eating is something I would be unhappy about. Yes if my dc do not eat an appropriate amount of a meal then I won't let them having pudding because they are clearly not hungry but that is a logical consequence, not having your car and not being allowed to go home isn't.

Any toy that is interfering with meal times gets moved to "watch" whilst it waits and I'm no softy Mum I'm probably way too strict tbh.

Also children aren't naughty, they sometimes do naughty things.

Babilyy · 27/01/2010 00:54

Your son has been going to the same CM for quite a long time now and yet reported changes in his behavior
(resistance to going to her) have happened over the past few months. Are there any significant changes going on at home that may affect him?(pregnancy, new routine, moving home etc)
I personally would not tolerate any kind of threats to my child, especially not taking away his toys or lying that he wont go home!!! The fact that he has begun hitting you is alarming. Small children may hit accidently when exploring movement and then proceed to do so because they got a reaction/encouragement as in (smile, laughter, etc) so if there was a case for it you would have encountered it earlier. The fact you are experiencing hitting now, means that he has been exposed to such behavior either witnessing it or participating.
On the other hand he could simply be bored as the girl his age and a baby do not represent a challenge/interest for him, CM's grandson is there sporadically and as such can't provide necessary attraction. Whether the CM is good or bad is irrelevant at this point, it is evident (from your accounts) that your son does not wish to be there and is showing you and telling you so, very loud and clear.
In any case he is reaching a period in his development where he needs stimulating,challenging and nurturing environment with lots of children around and activities abound so place him in a nursery ASAP. Even if you cant get him into a nursery of your choice right away please bare in mind that even a 'bad' nursery will have lots of children around, and children learn most from and with other children.
You are not overreacting , you are simply a concerned mum.

leeloo1 · 27/01/2010 00:58

I wouldn't let children have toys at the table either, but I also believe children should be allowed to regulate their own appetites and completely agree food shouldn't be 'punishment/ bribery'.

The EYFS statutory guidance on Behaviour Management says 'Providers must not... use or threaten any form of punishment which could have an adverse impact on the child?s well-being.' - and I'd say that threatening that he couldn't go home (and IMO forcing him to eat when he's not hungry) would come under this category!

frakkinaround · 27/01/2010 04:39

I don't agree with what your CM did personally but I think there are elements of her behaviour which are understandable (but not everything). Having said that your DS is clearly not happy there and a nursery may suit you better. Bear in mind, though, that there are childcarers of all styles in a nursery and much more of a 'one size fits all' ethos so if your DS is sensitive about certain things then you either need a very good and sensitive nursery or more presonalised care.

Being strict is not necessarily a bad thing. I am probably quite strict in that I make the rules (am a nanny) and the children follow them. If they don't then there are clear consequences which I've agreed with the parents. But styles in parenting and childcare have changed a lot and I personally wouldn't label a child naughty because it's the behaviour which isn't desirable not the child whereas my parents would often 'label' me a naughty girl (I used to do naughty things just for fun so probably deserved it!) rather than targeting the behaviour.

Re the 'naughty' thing - does the CM call him naughty or does she say 'that was naughty' and he's confusing it? Sometimes children do something to be naughty but obviously it's the action which is unacceptable not the child.

Toys at the table - is it a rule at the CMs that it isn't allowed? I don't know why her grandson had it but I could understand her taking it away if he had it at the table and was playing not eating.

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