Am I being a bit oversensitive about my CM? Be honest

[LadyBiscuit]

My DS, who is nearly 3, has been going to the same CM for about 18 months. She is a very no-nonsense lady who is turning 60 this year and she looks after her grandson sometimes (who is 4), a little girl the same age as my DS and a baby. I have always liked her but think she can be quite strict.

He has always made a bit of a fuss about going there but in the last few months he has been saying repeatedly 'I don't want to go to X's' - this morning he woke up crying and saying it

At the weekend he said to me 'I am a naughty boy' and I said 'no, you're not a naughty boy, you are a good boy but sometimes you are naughty. But I always, always love you.' And I can only think this 'naughty boy' stuff comes from her. My DS is a really sweet kid on the whole - he's not perfect by any means but he's not a 'naughty' child - I've never had to lock cupboards or hide things away. And besides, I hate labelling children.

When I arrived to collect him this evening, her grandson opened the door with my DS's beloved car in his hand. He said that my DS wasn't allowed to have his car unless he ate all his dinner (he is a rubbish eater). Fair enough I thought. Then my DS comes out, sobbing, followed by his CM who says that he did indeed eat all his dinner so that he would get his car back. And then she said that she had also said to him that if he didn't eat it, he wouldn't be able to go home!

He recovered from his upset pretty quickly but he has a lot of nightmares which are a lot worse during the week than at weekends and I'm starting to wonder if he is actually really unhappy there and if I should move him. The 'I not going to X's' is a constant refrain every day that he doesn't go (he is there 3 1/2 days).

Or am I being a bit PFB about it? I really don't know.

the thing with childminders is that because they work alone, you really have no way of knowing how your child is being treated. So you have to take your child's reaction as an indicator to a degree.

You do also have to consider your child's general reactions to things as well though imho.

So i.e. is he generally a clingy child? Will he happily go to family/friends without indicating that he doesn't want to go/that he wants to stay with you? Or is it just the childminder he reacts this way to.

If as you say he is a mummy's boy, then his not wanting to go might just be a sign of him wanting to stay with you rather than be away from you and may have no bearing on the cm at all. Plus he's at an age now where he's able to understand more that on x days he goes to cm and y days he stays at home, so I would say that poss this has developed with past six months hence the change in reaction.

Some children will create a fuss in order to provoke a reaction, and will be quite happy once you're out of the equasion.

But if he's happy to other run off to/with anyone else and this reaction is reserved purely for the cm, then I would be inclined to think that it was the CM rather than the child iyswim.

I don't think her reactions were necessarily ott, I might not have chosen those methods (ie telling him he couldn't go home), but it's those things coupled with the reluctance to go that would set my alarm bells ringing..

I am a CM and I would NEVER tell a child anything would happen that would prevent them going home! I teach them to value their home lives and look forward to going home!

Thanks all for your thoughts. I am a bit surprised by the consensus and I feel like I've been ignoring a problem now He is happy when I drop him off/pick him up - he gave her a big hug this morning and usually toddles off without a backward glance. It was just last night with the threats that he wouldn't go home - I thought that was mean.

I don't let him have toys when he's eating either - have no idea where the car came into it as it was in his coat pocket and had been there for a few days.

He is going to have to go to nursery anyway for a couple of days a week for various reasons so I will get that organised and then ask him if he would like to go there full time. Mind you, this morning he said 'I don't like nursery' so not sure anything is going to make him happy

wannaBe - I think he is going through a bit of a clingy phase at the moment and wouldn't be happy going off with anyone other than my mum and dad. My sister looked after him for a few hours when I went to visit a friend in hospital a few weeks ago and he was a bit whingy and asking where I was. So I don't think it's just her and like I said, he disappears off quite happily in the mornings - it's getting him out of the house that's the problem!

I agree that you are not being PFB, your son is old enough to communicate his feelings to you now although I do agree with the posters who asked if it was just the CM he is reluctant to go to or others also.

CM's are not able to use threats, personally I never say naughty, it is behaviour that is unwanted not the child. I agree that if he was playing with the car at meal times rather than eating I would have asked him to put it somewhere safe till after the meal, I have a no toys at the table rule. Her grandson shouldn't have had it and he shouldn't have been able to tell you what your son had been doing, their are ways of handling children without others overhearing or noticing. I think one of the things that really concerns me is why the grandson opened the door to you, I wouldn't dream of letting a child answer the door for simple safety reasons I also do not allow other parents to open the door either.

I would seriously consider looking for other care be it nursery or another CM who isn't a mean old biddy

i havent read all your replys but am updating my own policies at the minute...this is something i am using from NCMA website...your childminder sounds lke she is a more of a 'do as i say not as i do' kind of person and SHOULD NOT threaten your DS saying he cannot go home, thats appaling...yes say he cant have ice cream for dessert etc..but what she said is out of order and am not surprised your lo is having nightmares!...that other child should not have had yor Lo's car, even worse if they took it from his pocket, thats just plain nasty and she should not have allowed it...i would definatly look around for someone who has an actual caring bone in their body, she doesnt sound like she has

Behaviour ? Standard 8
The National Minimum Standards for Childminders state that ?parents know that their child?s behaviour is managed in ways they have agreed, and in such a way as to promote their child?s welfare and development?.

Positive discipline means:
Rewarding good behaviour. Because rewards are constructive, they encourage further effort. Punishment is destructive ? it humiliates children and makes them feel powerless.

Encouraging self-discipline and respect for others. Because children need to grow into people who behave well even when there?s no one to tell them what to do.

Setting realistic limits according to age and stage of development. Because as children grow and develop our expectations of them change.

Setting a good example. Because young children take more notice than we might think of how we behave and what we say.

Encouragement, not orders and instructions. Because ?Do as you?re told? teaches nothing for next time. Positive discipline involves explaining why.

Being consistent ? saying no and meaning no. Because children need to know where they stand and it helps if they know that we mean what we say.

Praise, appreciation and attention. Because when children are used to getting attention with good behaviour, they won't seek it by misbehaving.

Building children's self-esteem. Shaming, scolding, hurting and humiliating children can lead to even worse behaviour. Attention, approval and praise can build self-esteem and a child who feels valued is more likely to behave well.

I encourage appropriate behaviour by:
Setting a good example, I aim to be a positive role model as children copy what they see. Children learn values and behaviour from adults.
I readily praise, approve and reward wanted behaviour, such as sharing, to encourage it to be repeated. Using praise helps to show that I value the child and it helps to build their self-esteem.
I praise children to their parents and other people when they have behaved as expected.
I try to be consistent when saying ?no? and explain reasons why it is not appropriate and considered unwanted behaviour.
My expectations are flexible and realistic and are adjusted to the age, level of understanding, maturity and stage of development of the child.
I try to involving children in setting and agreeing house rules.

I would also be concerned about the fact a 4 yr old (if I understood correctly) was able to answer the door to you, surely the lock should be at a height that a 4 yr old couldn't reach?

She opened the front door to her flat and he ran down the stairs to the main door (which isn't double locked as there is another flat which also uses it. To be fair to her, she knew it was me at the door

oh and has prob already been said, sorry, but does she have a certificate showing she is allowed 4 under 5? one being her grandson still counts!

I am just wondering if his 'being a rubbish eater' doesn't come from her in many respects. If she has this attitude to food, no wonder the poor boy is a rubbish eater! As you say he's been with her 18 months, habits are picked up very early and children's attitudes and excitement/demotivation about food are demonstrated by their carers.

Something to think about.

Yes, she is registered for four under 5s

I would like to blame the poor eating on her but to be honest, he eats a lot more varied food at her house than he ever does here. And I don't think she usually threatens him - in the past she has said that she just takes it away and doesn't offer him an alternative which is what I do. I know how frustrating it is to cook for him and he refuses to eat it - drives me up the wall. He was a rubbish eater before he started going to her.

i would be wondering if what shes 'saying' she says and what she actually does say at the time are something very different?..its very sad that some chldminders behave like this

she might be lovely but old-fashioned, my mum does a bit of the naughty thing etc and it doesn't make her a bad grandma, in fact it's not a bad thing imo for kids to learn that people are different, but i would have to step in more resolutely if she was caring for the dds more than the odd afternoon.

That is what she's like - a bit old-fashioned but she really does have a heart of gold and she is very fond of my DS. She has offered to look after him overnight (as a friend rather than CM) as I'm a single parent which is really kind and she buys him lovely xmas and birthday presents.

We are off to see the nursery this afternoon - I think a couple of days there with some more structured activities will do him good. I can't send him to a proper nursery school unfortunately because of the whole drop off/pick up thing. But this might be a good solution.

Thanks all of you for your comments - it's been very helpful to have other people's opinions

The CM does sound old-fashioned - I don't think anything she's done is too terrible, but it woun't fit with everyone's parenting ethos. Personally I would be very unhappy at threats over food.

Quick irony update: we went to see the nursery this afternoon. Very nice, very small and he really enjoyed himself and cried when we left.

So later on today I said 'remember the nice place we went today with all the children?'
'Yes, my new friends'
'Yes, that's right. Would you like to go there when mummy is working?'
'No, I want to go to X's (his CM)'

Aaargh

Haha that's brilliant, kids eh!

I personally would still be looking more at the nursery, I think that the CM doesn't really sound right for your son, calling him naughty isn't my issue although obviously it's not very nice for him, but the food thing is what I'd take most offence to, I hate using food as a punishment and totally disagree at children being made to eat everything, it sets an unhealthy president and makes eating an unhappy experience, totally not on imo.

I would be concerned if it was my DS. Certainly I left mine at a nursery where he became so upset by various things - he was out of his own environment, being told what to do by people he knew but not close to, staff left, new faces, tiredness, me leaving him and so on.

All combined my DS (then 18 months) went from a happy child to a severely distressed (sobbing uncontrollably), unsettled, constantly tearful, waking in the night, constantly wanting me near him. He was none of that before. I changed nurseries where it took him, and the staff, a long time to rebuild the calm, happy, secure child. And even today (he's now 4) I don't think he's ever really got over the sense of insecurity.

The thing is, we trust these people to do what is right, and hope they will protect, give enough security etc. If he is being told he's naughty, having his car taken from him - and having another child have it esp when not at home, and so on, he's being made to feel bad and it's associated unhappy feelings.

To me, the nightmares are the key. I'd move him or preferably keep him with your Mum if you can until he goes to a nursery. Then associate the new place with positive images for him to look forward to.

As for potty training. Forget it at the moment whilst he's unsettled. Too much to deal with. Wait until the weather warms up and then there's less clothing to strip off for the urgent trips to the loo, plus you can start talking to him about it and let him decide when he wants to do it. It worked really well for my DS, but he needed to be in control of that and supported by us, rather than being told what to do.

Sorry, I've rambled....

NB Children don't like change, so you have to work on the new nursery bit!! When I had to take DS from the old one, I had to give him a reason...perhaps not because Mummy thinks the CM is mean or something terrible!!!

I'm sure your CM isn't being mean deliberately I just think her way of handling issues is out of date, Certainly I would be concerned with the clearing plate issue. Making children eat all their food can leave them with lifelong issues with food. It is reasonable to with hold a pudding until they have eaten some of their main food/ growing food but I personally would ask her to immediately stop making him clear his plate. I would also ask her to not use a security threat (ie not going home) as a method of discipline. If she felt unable to modify her behaviour then as much as he is settled there I'd probably look to move him.

I wouldn't move him.

I would decide yourself how you want the food thing handled and let her know (Is she to get him to eat a certain amount, can he choose not to eat anything - whatever you are happy with and if you want a certain amount of food eaten, the tools with which she can make this happen). It's all very well for people to criticise her, but as you have said yourself, he's a nightmare with food and if she feels you want him to eat a certain amount, she is under pressure to try to get him to do this. Personally, I'm of the belief that you need to offer healthy, tasty options of food you know they will eat and if they choose not to, that is up to them. I'll encourage a little, but that's it. There aren't many kids who will starve themselves and often they need to eat far less than we feel they should! Also kids are better at eating when they are hungry, not just because it's x o'clock and it would be better if we didn't knock this out of them at an early age!

With the Grandson spouting off - it's what kids do, I'm sure she didn't make him do it!

I would also say to her that he has been having nightmares and that somehow he is under the impression that if he is naughty he wont be allowed to go home... so, from now on you don't want him being told he is 'naughty' & can she please make sure the 'other children' aren't telling him nonsense like if he is naughty he wont be able to go home...

Hopefully she'll get the point!

I am sure she is well intentioned and that your DS loves her, so I would want to try to fix this situation first. It's a bit like with Grandparents isn't it, they say things we wouldn't, but on the other hand, we all survived it!!

Another point is that most children get 'night terrors', this doens't mean their childcare is causing it.

You should complain as she is using innapropriate behaviour management, verging on mental cruelty.
She should be using 'time out' or reward stickers.
No wonder your poor child is having nightmares .
If the CM does not take your complaint seriously then go to Ofsted, but also make sure you tell the CM that you understand your son does not eat much and that you would rather she not force him, only offer something less appealing such as toast.

The saying he can 't go home if he didn't eat his dinner was just too awful for words and would be enough for me to remove my son immediately.

Home is meant to be a safe and happy place - not something used as a threat to be taken away. FFS he is a baby and tbh it is no biggy that he isn't trained. I didn't even think to try and train my eldest until almost 3 and it was about 6 months before we didn't need to take spare clothes with us.

Please move him.