Nannies and visitors

[smeraldina]

Firstly, thank you to everyone who answered my questions about snow and nannies. I'm sorry not to have replied. Baby daughter came down with d &v....

A query about what happens about nannies and their friends. My nanny used to work in childcare and has mentioned that she would like to meet up with the mum of one of the children she used to care for along with the child, as she was fond of the child. She's asked if it's ok if they come to our house.

I'll be at work. I've never met the mum before, and she doesn't know the mum at all well.

I feel a bit funny about people that I don't know being in our house while I'm at work. Partly just a territorial thing I think. Partly a concern as to something happening while I'm out (child hurting themselves in our house - don't know the parent well).

BUT I really don't want to make my nanny feel uncomfortable and realise that she needs to have friends and colleagues and that it's good for my DD to have playmates.

I thought of suggesting that they met in a cafe or a playgroup? Or that I'd prefer to meet the mum too, so could they come on a day when I was working at home? Would any nannies out there be offended with either of those options? That said, I'm not even sure that if I did meet the mum for 5 mins that that would be enough for me to feel completely comfortable with the next visit. Probably would.

All opinions welcome...

Meeting up at park, indoor play I would say is fine.
Your other option of saying that if they came to your home, you would want to be present I see as being fine as well. It's your home after all.

My nanny used to work in childcare and has mentioned that she would like to meet up with the mum of one of the children she used to care for along with the child, as she was fond of the child.

I don't quite get it... is it that your nanny used to work in a nursery and it's a child from that nursery she is meeting, thus she doesn't really know that child's mum? If so, then meeting up at indoor play, toddler group type places I see as being the way forward initially. Needn't be on your time either... though if child is the same/similar age then it is someone for them to play with.
Indoor play type place is ideal, as the children can play together and the nanny and the mum can chat, whilst keeping a close eye on the children.

Agree with Nick, it doesn't sound like a close friend, so think an 'out of the home' playdate is more agreeable.

Out of home a much better idea initially. Are the children the same age and able to actually play together if you were at home? A setting with a range of age-appropriate activities may be a better plan.

I am lucky that mb lets me invite people over although I do tend to only go to other peoples homes/outside activities.

I would hope that you trust your nanny enough to trust her sense of judgement about playdates and where/when they happen without micro managing them

I don't think you need to worry about the other child hurting himself at your house and there being consequences for you. I can say - touch wood- I have never heard about someone suing after getting hurt from a playdate. I kind of see what you mean, I guess, but I think the risk is minimal.

What the others have suggested re meeting elsewhere first is fine too, but if you trust your nanny's judgment I would just let her get on with it.

Is it the fact that she's socialising with another mum, rather than a nanny, that feels weird somehow?

I would echo what Life said. I have always allowed my nannies to use their judgment on who to invite to our house and I have never had a problem as a result of this.
Children absolutely love going to other people's houses and playing with someone else's toys and I think that your DD will enjoy that, too, when she gets a little older.
You don't want someone there every day or for your DD to go to someone's else every day, I think, but I would not place a blanket restriction - not if you value and want to keep your nanny long-term.

it must be weird for parents not to know/meet many of the nannies/mums/children they play with - so i can understand what you are saying

thats why its nice to have mb at birthday partys so she can see who we play with

but if you trust your nanny, then you should trust her judgement of who she sees and where she goes

if you dont trust her, then why do you employ her

i would be very offened if my mb/db said i couldnt see someone, though in this case, is your child/ren roughly the same age/would they get any benifit from playing together - though it is good for sometimes older children to play with younger and share and vice versia

maybe you could arrange to work from home one day and the nanny to invite some friends round for a cuppa+play so you could meet them

Gosh, do people take time off work or re-arange work and work from home so they monitor the play dates? It sounds crazy to me. What's the point of having nanny then?

I agree with those who said if you trust her to be in sole charge of your Dc then surely you can trust her to arrange play dates. I 'm sure she would not invite drug dealers.

I would save my work flexibility for snow days

Many thanks all.

I think the point made that if I trust my nanny's judgement then it is completely micromanaging to want to meet this person or suggest alternative meeting places is a good one. I need to start as I mean to go on. It does feel odd, to be honest, for someone to be in the house that I've never met -- but that's life, I think. Someone robbed me recently, and I usually trust everyone, so perhaps I'm a little edgy.

My paranoia about injury is because my DD is not crawling yet - and this child will be. There are things all over the place that she could pull down, fall over, and generally end up being injured. My husband works in a litiginous atmosphere, so I guess that's where that fear comes from.

Have just phoned my sister in law for her point of view, and she says that I'll chill out by the second child!

I will be the voice of dissent I would suggest that they meet up in a soft play or cafe. This is based on my experience of having a nanny who had previously worked in a nursery, she asked if a particular child from the nursery could have a 'play date' with my children at my house (child was younger than my eldest but older than my youngest and not, to my knowledge a particular 'friend' of either of my children). I couldn't see any harm in it and said 'ok'.
The next thing I know these 'playdates' seemed to be happening awfully often. Then my ds (who was a sensitive wee soul which is why we had a nanny rather than after-school club or childminder) said that this child had upset him. I then said to nanny 'could we not have these playdates I think ds is too tired after school to play with other children' to which nanny replied ' but they are paying me £5 an hour'
Nanny couldn't see anything wrong in the situation - she was 'helping out a friend', my dd was 'having company' and she was earning a little more, cash in hand.
So..nope, I would be suspicious that she 'misses the child' so much she want the mum to bring her to your house during the working week.

One family i used to work for always asked if they could meet anyone i brought into their house. So if i arranged a new playdate i made sure the first time was on a day mum worked from home. Then at least she could put a name to a face when we talked about the kids day. I thought it was a reasonable request as it was her house etc.

Wouldn't have wanted to have never been able to have playdates at home though i must admit. I felt it was a good comprimise.

Millarkie, we are not all like that I can assure you.

I agree with blondes,if you trust the nanny with your child you should trust her judgement on who to invite.

One of my bosses was more than happy to have playmates over, but, wanted to check out their house/parents before I took their DC to their house. I was slightly miffed at first as (been in the business long enough I felt my judgement was being questioned (never said anything tho and just went along with it). After house/parent visit NO.3 she gave up and said entirely your call .

I can, looking back, understand completely why people can be like that especially if it's a PFB or if they have had bad experiences in the past.

If it were a nanny friend and charge I would be ok with it - it's the 'child from previous childcare setting and mother who I'm not that close friends with' that's ringing alarm bells for me.

Oh dear. I thought we had resolution. I said it was fine to meet in the house, although explained our anxieties however silly (child being injured etc). DH was not entirely happy but I felt it was important not to 'micromanage' and that we need to relax into the world of having children...

They plan to meet here, and I was reassured that the child would be carefully watched. DH has now gone to work, very fretful that child/house will be broken -- and saying that 'he feels a bit bullied'. He's wondering why they can't meet outside the house.

He's very territorial about stuff me less so but then again, I get far less upset when things of mine get broken. But if something of his gets broken, I won't feel so fine about it. Currently feel responsible for everyone.

Problem is - I'm responsible for transmitting not only my own opinions, but his, to our nanny. Which is tricky. Sigh.

For the record it was all fine....in fact, as I hoped, very enjoyable for DD. Good to expand her horizons, and for us to become a bit more relaxed about things....
Panic over.

Personally I'm very surprised this didn't come up before you hired your nanny - children are extremely sociable little things, it provides a wealth of opportunity to teach them things such as sharing, waiting, taking turns, positive interactions, etc.

Would be very if an employer told me they weren't comfortable...actually would not take any job that didn't let me have playdates. Glad it went well in any case, hopefully you now see that other children are not going to fling themselves about your house breaking things/themselves

Just wanted to add does your nanny have liability insurance?

This is very useful especially if precious antiques/valuable items get broken around the employers home. As inconvenient/annoying as things can be when stuff gets broken at least you would have some come back and it might also let you DH relax a little.

You can also get employers insurance too.

Millarkie, I heard of a version of this happening to someone else as well. They actually found that their nanny had basically organised an entire nannyshare and was pocketing the extra cash. They only found out because they came home unexpectedly.

Eek! So I'm not the only mug! I know my nannies have often been approached by mums doing the school run who ask if they are childminders and could they mind another child so I guess the opportunity is always there, especially if employers work long hours. Just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they're not out to getcha!

I never seem to get approached by mums trying to get me to mind their child. There's a plus side to having a male nanny, though maybe it's just the school I pick up from.

We've asked our nanny to let us know about playdates (if in our homes) in advance but only because one of the other parents in the nannyshare is a doctor so is sometimes at home, asleep during the day, and those days wouldn't be good for extra visitors.

i was approached by a mum bout 3 years ago, so before no 3 came or was even in mb tummy

a mum at nursery worked and couldnt pick up till 5pm, so wanted me to have child from lunch pick up till 5 once a week, so 5hrs

in thorey i didnt mind, i said i would check with mb/db - they didnt mind, but assumed i would be paid (as did i)

db had a chat with the mum at sports day&brought up happy with the share, and turned out this mum didnt think she had to pay me , as mb/db paid me

db firmly said, they were happy for me to have this womans child, but that this woman would be paying me on top of my salary from them

needless to say i didnt look after this chil

another mum, friend of no 1 at school, often arranged playdates on a tuesday for me to have her son, turned out she worked that day and wanted free childcare

if she had said, im stuck for 6 weeks would you mind having ds over for tea every week, then i would have been happy to help out and have for playdates so no charge, but she didnt

there are some weird mums about, just the same as weird nannies!!!

I can understand where OP is coming from. My agreement with my nanny is that the first time someone comes over, I would like to be there (I work from home one day a week), after that, I just leave them to it, so sometimes I see them and sometimes I dont. My wish to be there when they first come over was included in the nanny handbook (which is part of her employment contract) so she knew about it upfront.

I do trust my nanny with child, and therefore trust my judgment. Having said that, I also trust myself with my child and my own judgment as to who I should let into my house...... the same judgment that I used to employ my previous cleaner who (over a period of time) helped herself to my things! My point isn't about having a thieving guest of my nanny but more that I always read on here emotional responses of "well if you don't trust your nanny etc etc" and I don't think its about trusting the nanny for most people since parents can be just as wrong!

oh boffy pmsl

anyway thought you were sorted with E - or have i missed something