Nannies and visitors

[smeraldina]

Firstly, thank you to everyone who answered my questions about snow and nannies. I'm sorry not to have replied. Baby daughter came down with d &v....

A query about what happens about nannies and their friends. My nanny used to work in childcare and has mentioned that she would like to meet up with the mum of one of the children she used to care for along with the child, as she was fond of the child. She's asked if it's ok if they come to our house.

I'll be at work. I've never met the mum before, and she doesn't know the mum at all well.

I feel a bit funny about people that I don't know being in our house while I'm at work. Partly just a territorial thing I think. Partly a concern as to something happening while I'm out (child hurting themselves in our house - don't know the parent well).

BUT I really don't want to make my nanny feel uncomfortable and realise that she needs to have friends and colleagues and that it's good for my DD to have playmates.

I thought of suggesting that they met in a cafe or a playgroup? Or that I'd prefer to meet the mum too, so could they come on a day when I was working at home? Would any nannies out there be offended with either of those options? That said, I'm not even sure that if I did meet the mum for 5 mins that that would be enough for me to feel completely comfortable with the next visit. Probably would.

All opinions welcome...

I think you can trust people to keep your kids in one piece but this does not necessarily mean they won't pilfer, as for some people that is a different bit of their moral code. I had an AP who pilfered and on further investigation did this regularly, but quite cleverly so people were never quite sure ... however she was reasonable with the kids.

I have got a nice temp at the mo - emailed you.

In my current job I'm not allowed anybody in the house and whilst I can see why and have to respect that it does make things a bit awkward sometimes. I get excluded by the other nannies a lot because even though I have explained the situation they refuse to include me in their playdates because I can't invite them back. I might not be that interested in their company but I feel sorry for my little one. It's very dificult for me to find friends for her as a direct consequence. It's your house and you get the final say over it and a good nanny will not go behind your back.

boffy replied

tavvy, thats hard

why wont your family allow friends over? could mb meet some one day?

have you been in your job for long?

my mb (and others in past) has never minded people over and i have a teddy bears picnic in garden in summer and at xmas as snowed so badly, i couldnt get to hall where i arrange children xmas party, so checked if mb/db if they would mind if i had it at theirs, and they didnt

I have to say as long as the nanny passed it by me first, I wouldn't have a problem with her having other nannies over now and then (obv not all day every day with me feeling excluded from my own home, but that's not what we're talking about here).

I've no idea why? My boss never gives a reason and it's made very clear any questions are approaching the out of order barrier. I've been here for over twelve months. It's never been a problem in other jobs although I've never abused the privilege. I always used to clear it with my mb first she sometimes she'd run into my friends and her childrens friends and invite them herself
I don't think it is just a question of trust. I think some parents have a really hard time accepting somebody else has sole charge of their child, despite having hired themand it is a way of them maintaining control. Also some women, (this is not intended to start a row) do not really know what it is like to spend a lot of time alone with young children. I've worked for women who have never been in the company of their child for longer than thirty minutes alone. If they don't know how isolating nannying can be then they won't see the significance of playdates; it wouldn't ocur to them. There's also the point that nannies are paid to give their time to the child not sit around gossiping (my mb's viewpoint)

[Hmm]

It might be something altogether more mundane, for example a feeling this it is a bit creepy having people you don't know in your house while you are not there, eating your food, looking at your stuff, and leaving their invisible presence behind in some sort of karmic way.

Is there any mileage in organising social things on netural territory?

Given I have my own 'nanny area' it's not like anybody would be in any other part of the house anyway.
She's not overly keen on us going to groups either sadly or baby being outside too much.
She's the boss!

Unfortunately it doesn't endear me to any local nannies who think I'm posh and snotty anyway just because of my nationality and accent. Not joining in just confirms their viewpoint. Shame because it's so untrue. Never mind

OK, well she sounds a bit odd in that case. She won't hang on to you long if you're feeling so awkward about it, methinks. Yes, she's the boss, but if you're going to insist on anything non-mainstream as a boss, then you have to be aware of the consequences for the nanny and kids.

Do you think she realises this makes you look a bit strange in front of the other nannies, btw?

Nannies do sit around gossiping. Get over it! Do you really never gossip at work?!! I agree it can be a bit annoying, when you turn up home early to a bit of chaos and then are left with more to do as a result.

However, I would never ever stop this as my DDs love their buddies and the resulting chaos!

Like most things in life it's a balance; if all day every day was a play date; no more structure e.g. reading, crafts etc. I wouldn't like it but it should be a mix.

I have to say; I am always amazed by who some nannies will work for. Do you not check out your employers in advance?!!

p.s. Sorry just read the "not outside much either" comment. She's crackers.

Of course I tried to check them out. They appeared perfectly normal or would have taken the next exit.
TBH I doubt she cares what it makes me look like. I am not human after all.

Oh dear, tavvy. Strange question but are you overseas/are they 'foreign'? I found that some expats and international families had extremely odd ideas. I turned down a job in Germany because I would have had my own completely separate flat, one baby to look after but never been allowed friends/other nannies over. I'd even have had my own house on the country estate all to myself....and no-one to share it with.

are you happy in your job tavvy?

i couldnt work for employers like yours

I couldn't either. The loneliness would really get to me.

Blondes knows my views on the need for nannies to have a healthy social life, do you not, Blondes?

indeed i do, social life or sex life

Inquiring minds want to know...

faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar too rude on mn

CAT then! I want to know even more now!!!

No to both.
Not foreign and not happy.
Boff you sound incredibly enlightened to me. When does the new nanny start?

Tavvy - they will realise soon enough hopefully

An ex-boss of mine was exactly the opposite, but, equally annoying. She never minded anyone coming to play at ours, but, we were never allowed to anywhere other than their "lovely big playroom and very spacious garden".

Resulting difficulties were that we were never allowed outside so were unable to meet anyone to invite them to visit

Once oldest child started nursery it was a case of drop-off, pick-up, back home. She never socialised with her play mates and the teacher pointed this out to the mum at one of the parents meetings. Of course mum had a go at me saying it's a nannies responsibility to get the children to interact

I made it very clear what my own thoughts were on the situation. She must have taken notice as before long we were partying, picnicing, swimming, bike rides in the park etc etc etc. Now she has loads of friends.

did you know this tavvy when you accepted the job?

i always make clear at first interview that i am a very sociable nanny, that i see lots of mums/nannies and go out to M&T,parks, zoos, beaches etc in summer holidays

nannying can be very lonely if you havent got a social circle you see

not many mums would stay in all day with no friends so cant see why employers want the nanny to

why do you stay - or are you looking for a new job?

Suffice it to say there is a double bed in our nanny bedroom, and it is there precisely for reasons of promoting healthy modern European-type relationships amongst nannies and their boyfriends. I am not a vestal virgin and I certainly don't expect my nanny to be. I would draw the line at a different bloke every night though - I tell them we need to be introduced and it can only be long-standing boyfriends, otherwise the rest of us will get a bit freaked by who we are meeting on the stairs unexpectedly.