Delicate regarding potential nanny

[livvy1]

Hello,

I'm new to mumsnet and have found a nanny for next April who seems lovely.

I really like her but have been advised not to employ her as she was abused as a child.

I don't want to go into much detail but am wondering what peoples initial reaction to this would be?

Fucking hell

'Advised'? What a nasty person that would tell her private history to you - a potential employer and presumably a stranger? - or in fact, to anybody.

My reaction would be to question the person who told me about what the hell gives them the right to dish that sort of info out.

Plus, why is that a problem for you? Perhaps she realises the value of loving and caring for children and that's why she's chosen to become a nanny? I can't think of any reasons why it would have anything but a positive affect on her work with children.

I'd be tempted to tell her that this person is gossiping about her private life so she can confront them about it though.

We're jumping to the conclusion that someone else has told the op that the candidate was abused. Maybe the candidate disclosed this information herself and the advice giving person has heard that abused children can go on to being abusers??? This fact is true, but it really must be weighed up with the fact that the majority of abused children go on to become sensible, well balanced adults who would never dream of harming anyone.

So who told you? The nanny or someone else?

And what type of abuse? Emotional? Sexual? Physical? Neglect?

nbee84...

You say

"abused children can go on to being abusers??? This fact is true, but it really must be weighed up with the fact that the majority of abused children go on to become sensible, well balanced adults who would never dream of harming anyone."

That makes no sense at all. Anyone, whether abused or not may go on to be a child abuser, the majority do not. It is not applicable only to people who have been abused.

I've never heard that you are more likely to abuse somebody elses child if you were abused yourself as a child.

so your friend/person who told you thinks this girl isnt suitable[shock[

poor girl, lets hope not everyone is that narrow minded

Hando - yes, you are right that anyone can become an abuser, but there have been studies to determine whether it is more likely for an adult that has suffered abuse as a child.

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/134182.stm

abcnews.go.com/Primetime/parents-struggle-break-cycle-abuse/story?id=8549642

I also state that the majority will be loving, caring people and this is my personal belief - my post was not meant to offend anyone or start a debate - so apologies if this is what has happened.

I would employ her, if I thought she was suitable for the job. I see now reason why she should disclose it to you. Indeed, I would find it odd if she did.

Much of the research regarding the 'cycle of abuse' focuses, I believe, on the (high)percentage of abusers who have been abused themselves as children- rather than the percentage of abused children who go on to be abusers; this would be an almost impossible task to research.

I will see if I can find a link.

I wouldnt discount her because she has been abused. This would be very wrong. That whole cycle of abuse thing has trickled down into pop psychology and is misrepresented IMO.

Its one of those 'facts' that everyone seems to know. Like 'blind people's hearing is better than sighted people'

There are so many other factors that determine if a surviviour of abuse will become an abuser.

When it happened, what happened after it occoured, how much support the child had, who did it, if the child in question was then placed in care, if the child was believed etc etc etc.

I do not think she should have disclosed. Its no ones business but hers.

"I wouldnt discount her because she has been abused. This would be very wrong. That whole cycle of abuse thing has trickled down into pop psychology and is misrepresented IMO."

Exactly, chegirl. Statistics are open to misinterpretation.

If you take a statement:

"Forty percent of sexual abusers were sexually abused as children"

This does not equate to 40 percent of the sexually abused becoming abusers. The quoted statement, by itself, gives us no information about that. Another example would be to consider an invented statistic that 40% of heroin users started out drinking alcohol. That doesn't mean that 40% of alcohol users will eventually turn into heroin users.

Poor girl. Its absolutely none of your business. You could go and look for a different nanny and they could have been abused as a child as well for all you know...are you going to ask them?

you would disciminate due to this?

I am shocked that this would at anytime appear on a cv, shocked that tittle tattle would effect employment

You have applied for a CRB check - use that and the interview process to give a job

"It has been suggested by a friend that she should have disclosed it."

I am at this. Why on earth should she disclose this? This is personal, private and sensitive information, being gossiped about in an ill-informed manner. IMHO she would be best advised to find another employer.

"It has been suggested by a friend that she should have disclosed it."

"I am shock at this. Why on earth should she disclose this? This is personal, private and sensitive information, being gossiped about in an ill-informed manner. IMHO she would be best advised to find another employer"

Sorry I should have made clear that this is in absolutely no way my personal opinion I was actually quite shocked by the reactions of some people I've spoken to which is why I asked what peoples initial reactions would be to see if this is more common then I would have thought.

Also as I said in my second post what hope would victims of abuse have if everyone treated them like potential abusers

Should all women who have been abused get sterilised? I mean, they couldn't possibly go on to be good parents could they?

Sheesh, I hope this a joke? How do you feel your potential nannies potential past sexual abuse may impact on her ability to perform her job as a nanny?

Will it make her sick, late, unreliable, less caring, abusive or mean?

I would be totally livid if anyone was discussing me in this manner with a potential employer - I'm sure there must be laws to protect people from this sort of thing?

I would say that you don't really know the full circumstances of the situation that occurred (if anything even did occur) as currently you are going on hear-say from friends/former employers etc. If you had access to court records, then that may be different but I doubt you have that level of detail to go on.

I also would doubt that an employment tribunal would consider it reasonable grounds for not employing someone... I don't know for sure, wonder if there have been any cases? So I would suggest that you conduct interviews, background research as you would normally... without raising this topic of discussion with any referees.

While I do agree that there is some level of increased risk of the person abusing a child if they were abused as a child (as statistics so far that I've seen do seem to imply that connection), anyone can abuse a child, so you should be a bit suspicious of anyone. Also if someone has been abused they may never abuse themselves, no assumption should be made that they will.

livvy1 - sounds like you are wanting to ignore as best you can the information you have been told, which I feel is the right thing to do. Everyone is a potential abuser, so follow up references, work history, as you would for any other applicant and discuss with them at interview(s) about how they deal with situations that may crop up whilst caring for your child/children.

I think you should NOTY employ this nanny at all.

You have doubts about her, it is obviously a problem for you and sadly the people who think abused children = abusers are not alone.

And I think you shouldn't employ her for HER sake, not yours.

i dont think the op has doubts about this girl but i do think you should tell her what her so called friend is saying about her

I honestly feel if the OP didn't have any problem with this, she wouldn't have posted, she would have trusted her own thoughts.

I agree that she should tell the nanny that someone is saying this but also make it clear that isn't why she hasn't been offered the job, whether it is true or not tbh.

OP,
sorry but why have you started this thread? You said this is not YOUR opinion and you have no doubts. In this case what the purpose of the thread?

Either you are having doubts and you are serving us a passive agressive OP (and i hate it when people do this) or you are having fun upsetting people (because surely you know the thread will upset some people).

This section has turned into Jerry Springer, nannies with scissors, abused nannies, and plenty morons giving pseudo-diagnosis.

Laquitar

hear hear

I completely agree.

It's full of threads/comments stating things like 'no i completely agree/understand/whatever', when it's anything but.

Nannies are supposed to be superhuman,you know...