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Original poster

mindee has just told me something...

44 replies

holdingittogether · 26/11/2009 13:03

Earlier this morning mindee 2.5yrs told me she had an "ouch" because "daddy smacked me". I am not a fan of smacking but what they do is none of my business. I had an inkling they smacked, even though mum says they don't, because she has on several occasions threatened to smack toys bottoms in her play.

Now i don't for one minute think there is any kind of abuse going on and it is none of my business if they choose to smack. But in the back of my mind I am thinking should I record that she has said this to me today? Just incase there are any future concerns? I am not talking about reporting it to anyone or anything just making a note of it just incase for the future. Would you note it down? Ignore it? Mention to mum?

OP posts:
Danthe4th · 26/11/2009 13:12

If you record it then it will at some point be shared with both parents, be careful what you write.
If it makes you feel uncomfortable, I just stress to children that 'we don't smack here'
Lots of parents still smack, if you have no other concerns then I would leave it. If you mention it to mum you could be setting yourself up for dad to make a comment, you know what they are like and how they are likely to react to your comments.
Personally I wouldn't note it down.

AvadaKedavra · 26/11/2009 13:17

I would record it yes, exactly as child said it.

It might be something or nothing but it might, just might be needed at some point.

Original poster
holdingittogether · 26/11/2009 13:50

ok so one vote for yes record it and one for no. Maybe I will just keep a mental note of it for now.

OP posts:
crokky · 26/11/2009 13:56

I wouldn't record it.

I don't smack my children, but I do occasionally threaten to (even though I have no intention of doing it). That might not be perfect parenting, but it doesn't make me an abuser.

Also, there are smacks and smacks. A tap which doesn't even hurt might be enough to jolt a child of that age into stopping what they are doing. Presumably there would be marks on her if she was being smacked abusively?

Original poster
holdingittogether · 26/11/2009 14:07

Thank you. I don't have any concerns that she is being hurt I was just wondering what best practice would be really and the what ifs. If in the future there were any concerns with the family it might be important.

Have just done a child protection course so things are all a bit fresh in my mind. Probably dwelling on it too much.

OP posts:
AttillaTheHan · 26/11/2009 14:12

I would definately write it down in her own words. If it happens again or other things happen you might need it. It also might not be a bad thing to share with the parents IMO if the issue needed raising with them or if you were concerned that she was saying it a lot.

Just because you mention it to the parents doesn't mean that you have to accuse them of anything. It could just be that you mention it to them if it becomes a regular thing or a regular way of playing with dolls.

AvadaKedavra · 26/11/2009 14:26

if you've recently done your CP course, you'll know then we have obligations and responsibilities when a child discloses something (even yes just this a smack).

What might be a one off or innocent can sometimes not be and sadly you need to cover yourself too - horrid world we live in.

posieparker · 26/11/2009 14:28

'An ouch' does that mean it still hurts? WTF could a tiny child do to get a smack on the behind? A tapped hand I can nearly understand, but a smacked bottom.

I would record it, it is not for you to decide whether this is meaningful or not, but it would keep you mind at peace to know you've made a note.

Original poster
holdingittogether · 26/11/2009 14:30

I certainly know we must report concerns and I know we must record a disclosure but it's just a smack??

OP posts:
AvadaKedavra · 26/11/2009 14:32

Is she still marked?

You are the one who posted asking so why the??s

Original poster
holdingittogether · 26/11/2009 14:40

Sorry the ?? are just to express my own feeling of being unsure. There is no mark, she is not distressed. I do not have concerns she is being harmed I just wanted to make sure I was dealing with it correctly just incase. That is what I feel in doubt about whether to record it as a disclosure of whether a tap on the bum which plenty of well loved and cared for children get, needs recording.

OP posts:
mistletoekisses · 26/11/2009 15:05

I may be a lone voice here, but there is a chance (and I am by no means saying that what the child has said should be dismissed), that the child is fabricating a little?

A friend of mine (who would never tap/ smack/ or threaten to do so) told me a story that shocked me recently. Her DH came home recently and her DC (a similar age to the mindee in OP post) immediately told him 'mummy hit me'. Her DH who knows how his DW feels about smacking asked the DC to repeat what he had said, whereupon the DC repeated it. He then calmly asked whether the DC was sure about this (DW in background stunned into silence) and the DC admitted that mummy hadnt hit him, but he had been told off.
The child (in this case) had totally made it up. Both parents were stunned and very upset. And actually discussed the ramifications of what happen if the child went into nursery and repeated the accusation. They actually went to see their GP over the incident. Unfortunately nowadays it doesnt take much for social services to start investigating....and they wanted to bring it up proactively.

Like I said at the opening of the post, by no means am I saying that what the child has said should be ignored. But I would let the parents know what has been said - I know that I would want to know.

purepurple · 26/11/2009 15:11

Record what she said to you.
Also, mention it to whoever picks her up, in passsing almost, not too heavy or accusing.
As an early years worker in a nursery, that is what I would do.

pyjamalama · 26/11/2009 15:27

Make a note of it, but I would second mistletoes note of caution, esp. about the acting out with toys.

My own DD was a complete fantasist at this age and it went on until she was about 5. Would talk at nursery about pets we didn't have, firework displays we didn't go to, and seeing grandparents when we hadn't! She also used to beat her dollies and bears soundly, despite never having witnessed any violence at home. She loved stories and I think she was just trying them out for herself; her fantasies were often prompted by things other people had done, or that she had someone talking about. Fortunately none of it ever caused difficult repercussions, but it was sometime embarrassing because she was so adamant and so convincing!

I would mention it to the parents, but very casually, along with everything else about the day. If they have smacked, they are very unlikely to tell you that anyway, I would think?

sleepysleepy · 26/11/2009 15:33

Mistletoe, you are not a lone voice. My DS is heavily into telling porkies using his imagination at the moment (he's 3), and finds it hilarious to tell me "Daddy hit me in the face" and ask me to put him on the naughty step. First time it happened, I was a teeny bit worried that maybe my DH had smacked him, but its happened so many times when I've been with him, or when he's said I did it (or my 9 month old daughter!) that I just let it go. FOr what its worth, I've told DS not to say these things, and also mentioned it in passing to nursery.

OP - I'd make a mental note, be vigilant for any marks etc and not worry too much. You can tell a lot from the way the child interacts with parents and whether they have marks and bruises in areas they shouldn't. And you could certainly make a lighthearted comment to parents. It might make them think twice about resorting to smacking without being worried that you are about to call in social services!

sleepysleepy · 26/11/2009 15:33

hmm. the striking out thing didn't work then.

MrsBadger · 26/11/2009 15:53

does work but you have to do every word individually, not the whole phrase

need2vent · 26/11/2009 16:12

"'An ouch' does that mean it still hurts? WTF could a tiny child do to get a smack on the behind? A tapped hand I can nearly understand, but a smacked bottom.

I would record it, it is not for you to decide whether this is meaningful or not, but it would keep you mind at peace to know you've made a note."

better get ss quick.

Greensleeves · 26/11/2009 16:20

I'd make a note of it and I would also mention it to her mum, just in the sense of "X said something today which I wasn't sure about, so I thought you would want to know she is saying it"

If one of my children made any kind of "disclosure" to a carer (true or not) I would want them to tell me (unless of course it involved me being violent or abusive, in which case presumably they would have to tell the local CP team rather than me)

but I am still waiting to be sent on a proper CP course

thenewbornnanny · 26/11/2009 16:24

My sister had a vivid imagination as a child. Told anyone who would listen that we had seven ponies at home, at aged 5 and first day of primary school. I, at 8 years old, then had to deal with all my friends beating me up for not telling them I had seven ponies that they could have been riding with me all this time.

We had no ponies, let alone seven.

My sister got an ouch off me that night.

thenewbornnanny · 26/11/2009 16:32

Pressed post too soon!

I would make a note of what she said verbatim, and bring it up in passing to the parents. If one of my charges said something like that I would jperhaps ust say something along the lines of "X said she had an ouch from a smack from daddy today, I don't know if she's in the making up fairytales stage or you are choosing to smack at home, but I wanted to make you aware she is saying this."

Then at least they are aware and you have done your part to keep total honest communication lines open. I think parents need to hear the good and bad, and if something is going on at home they will realize their child is capable of telling someone, and if nowt is wrong then they know she's a wee storyteller.

Greensleeves · 26/11/2009 18:01

and if they ARE hitting her it will be a reminder to them that children can talk and that other adults notice what they say!

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/11/2009 18:31

yes note it down just incase to cover yourself

posyparker - i was at tumbletots on tuesday and a small toddler (prob 15/16mths) got a hard wallop on bottom by mum as he kept trying to take another persons empty coke can from table

i said thats a bit harsh, and she said mind your own fucking business and he wont do it again

child wailed, my friend and i were really and didnt stop the child - my then toddler (17mths) tried to get can, i said no firmly and she left it alone - other child went after it again and i then removed can as didnt want the child hit again

broke my heart tbh - he was only little

dmo · 26/11/2009 19:03

i would deff write it down even if its just in your personal diary

lou031205 · 26/11/2009 19:12

My dd told her preschool teacher the other day "Mummy macked me". I was there, so we talked, but I don't know if she would have mentioned it at the end if I hadn't been,

I personally think that if there isn't a mark, then the law states that this is a lawful form of discipline, regardless of personal opinion. For that reason, I don't think you need to make any formal note of it.