au pairs eating dinner with you and DH every night

[HarrietTheSpy]

Do yours do that? Ours does. It's driving me slightly if not interminably mad - I know all about the 'living as a family member' thing nevertheless we need some more space. The thing is, also awkward to say eat with children as the after school nanny in the share we're in doesn't. (Please no questions about our specific childcare arrangements in that regard, it's ocmplicated.)

What can I do? Eating out a couple of times per wk every wk clearly not an option!!! Is there a solution.

Hi OP,
Glad that y'day was better. In case you're interested we wrote in our handbook that in the evenings dh and I wanted to spend time together from about 8:30 onwards and that we wanted to eat together at least once a week.

(I posted the handbook on here - search under madcows - early Sept... we spelt out stuff about living together)

In practice we end up eating together almost every night, because it suits us better at the moment. But once supper is done, and she is off duty, she normally disappears into her bedroom to facebook etc.

For what its worth, I think the hardest thing about having an AP is how they are when 'off duty'. I don't so much struggle with having someone around (obviosuly I knew this when we got an AP!), and I want her to behave 'as part of the family'. However, I obviously have slightly different expectations of how an adult member of the family should behave. The boundary between 'family member' and 'guest' is hazy... and I suspect our AP is not expected to behave as an adult at home in terms of pulling her weight around the household. (As a result of all this we would amend our handbook next time, to say something about pulling their weight even when off-duty.)

But then I expect even 'guests' to help themselves etc to stuff, and not be waited on. (Maybe this means I'm a cr*p host!) and I'm rambling now...

Good luck with it!

Well when the new AP showed an interest and we were emailing each other I stated quite clearly that DH and I like to have the evenings alone.

I did explain that DH works late and gets in after 9pm so we only have an hour or so together before bed and we like to have some alone time in front of the telly.

She was a little taken back, but when she got here she did say she understood why I had specified alone time. She sits in the other room watching her own programmes on the telly and skyping her mates!

AHHH!! Have just come home from work. Is ensconsed on our couch watching telly. She's tired - I'm bloody knackered and sick to boot. And I don't have a room with a sofa and telly of my own to retreat to. might call for drastic.

Did you get your sofa to yourself Harriet?

Current au pair eats with me and kids each night, but she's nice to be around so no problems. And (most importantly) she nips off to her room to surf/watch tv whatever straight after dinner so we've never felt intruded upon (would be nice to see a little more of her to be honest, but don't blame her, we are old and boring and the children are noisy and all over her if she's around).

Don't get me wrong - I LIKE our AP. I am just very prone to stress and get uptight (!!!) when my down time is compromised!!!

I achieved it. Had dinner in front of the telly. Filled our plates and returned to front room - hey presto, couch is free. End of.

Panicked because we thought she was going out and then goes:"No I want to stay in tonight, I want to watch a film."

As an aside do you find that some AP host families feel free to change their schedule AT WILL. Literally, bollocks to your plans, we want to go out you have to babysit. I don't mean working late, it's an emergency (even then it's not GREAT, but sometimes can't be helped) but just, sorry we've decided to have a drink with friends, and you have to babysit. If they've made friends it doesn't much help on the socialising front if this is a routine occurrence. Also, if they're paid under £60 per week (!!!) they don't have cash for too many rounds at the pub or a film out with friends. I'm not sure I appreciated how the cash/working time thing would affect our AP's ability to get out and about. We do encourage her to have friends round though (plenty of room upstairs as I've said!!)

Sorry - meant to add, all the evidence was pointing to: This film has just started and I'm planning to watch it here, on your couch for the next two hours.

I feel I need to be clear again - I hope people don't think WE'RE the ones paying under £60. I naively believed these people didn't exist but it turns out they do.

You don't sound suited to having an au pair. It all sounds very unfriendly.

Pointydog
Did you read the thread?

You should have some respect for her as an adult and talk to her about wanting your own space!

If the au pair thought we were 'really unfriendly' do you think she'd want to be up with us until past ten every night? And eat with us - every night? And, which I haven't added, spend around ten hours a day with us each day at the weekend?

What this is about is trying to carve out a bit more space for ourselves - that's all.

I have had many aupairs over the years.

Basially our rule (not that we were clear in stating it) was that the aupair eats with the children.

Basically this would mean that she would eat earlier during the week with the children that she was looking after, and DH & I would eat with our older kids later.

We would have full family meals at the weekend to which the aupair was invited/expected.

Most aupairs that we have had already knew that they were supposed to give the married couple some space.

I KNOW I have to talk to her about it. The problem is this week I have been ill or back late because of work. And we have loads on this weekend. And DH's approach is slightly different to mine on this - as I said earlier, we can't quite AGREE on our obligations, which as I also said is really the heart of the matter. We have to sort this out first. In the meantime, I need to let of steam periodically!

I sympathise Harriet as my first ap was with us pretty much all the time in her spare time. She didn't make a single friend in the whole 7 months she lived here and that's how she wanted it and she was in the house as much as all but 5 to 10 hours a week.

As a result, I specified quite strongly to our potential 2nd ap that going out and mixing with other young people (we live very close to an university town) was encouraged and I'd drive her to the bus stop a mile away in the evenings and weekends as and when the buses weren't running to our village. She had a completely different character to our 1st ap and this worked out much better for us all.

I, too, used MN for letting off steam periodically (under a differnt name possibly) and received great advice from posters on this topic. I understand how you feel, really I do!

Thanks for your comments Simply. True, I didn't name change, I let it all hang disgracefully out!!

I really appreciate everyone's comments, esp those that have had APs.

DH prides himself on being really hospitable - which is a great trait. Occasionally though we tend to do things which aren't always in the interest of our family!! We did think we were on the same page before this AP arrived and also that we'd done quite a lot to ensure that it was more likely than not she'd be a bit independent. But some of this does depend - as I said - on what her friends are able to do, which is sometimes not that much. Our APs friends aren't earning that much and it limits what they can do. I guess some parents don't mind as they want the AP around (in some cases working in fact) at the weekend. But we wanted our space as we both work long hours during the week.

Hate being in the 'bad cop' role.

Sorry, I have a bad cold atm so I'm not making myself clear. I meant that you might recognise my situation with my 1st ap but I was called a different name then i.e. SimplySparkling or SimplySparklingFishTankOwner or something.

I was the one who did any 'bad cop' stuff but actually it would have been far better if dh had done it as he manages people in work and I don't (so he has experience and training in delivering difficult messages) and I think both aps would take something better from a man than a woman. Anyway; I decided that 2 was enough so we don't have an ap any more. Hurray!

Yes, DH would be better at "delivering the message." Maybe I should be posting in the relationships section: "What about my needs!!"

Honestly - the kids are safe with her, I am so grateful for that, it does make me feel like I just have to put up with it.

I will (eventually) think of a way to deal with this.

Then I guess - maybe Pointydog is right - we consider whether there is a reasonable alternative to au pairs in the future given our situation.

Simply did you outgrow them or switch to other alternatives?

My children are aged 16 and 14 so I think we outgrew them. One of the main reasons for having an ap was because our 1st ap was German and dd is studying German for GCSE and our 2nd one was bilingual in German and French so that was good for both ds and dd. Unfortunately, the tuition wasn't really very successful as the ap was unable to pitch it correctly, especially for ds.

Our solution was for me to take a 2 year career break. I've been unlucky with ill health in the last 10 years and it's also a bit of me time now that I'm well to make up for the years I really wasn't. Ds and dd really didn't want another ap either. They'd shared the house with someone for the best part of 18 months and they wanted a break. Permanently!

Hello Everyone

I'm new to this site and a host mother to a new au pair! (had a few this year)!

Can anyone help? We live in Radcliffe on Trent in Nottingham and my new lady Sophie is looking to meet other au pairs in the Nottingham Area.

If any of you have au pairs who would like to befriend Sophie(Skippy) that's what we've called her as she is from Austrailia ha ha please drop me an email.

My home email is [email protected].

Hope to hear from you soon.

Kind regards

Maxine

I read this post last night, and decided it not to post, but have decided to post after all! I completely and understand your frustration, our first au pair was exactly like that. Every single night she had dinner with and sat with us in the evening, despite having a TV in her own room and another family room with a TV in it. Luckily she eventually found some friends and was out every weekend. So at least we had that time together, but I too felt we had no sapce.

However that was the hard choice we made when deciding to have an au pair, the reason you/we are paying less than £100 a week is so they can live as part of the family and learn the language. We have no family to help us, we both work full-time, so that is the sacrifice we have made, having a stranger in our house. The current au pair does not like to eat as late as us 8-9pm so eats with the Los then goes to her room to fb etc. I absolutely don?t want an au pair however I can?t think of any other childcare arrangements we can make, so try and make her time as happy as possible for the good of my family. In fact she says she is only going to leave when dd get?s married she loves it here so much.

So I think you are being very mean wanting to tell her she don?t want her company all the time, and would hate it if it were my daughter you were talking about. As previously mentioned a ?dependent? au pair doesn?t suit you so I think need to think about future childcare arrangements, as there are no guarantees you will get an independent out-going au pair who is out every night, but could end up with a sad lonely one sitting by herself in her bedroom.

I think it's a little unfair to describe me as 'very mean.' If I were 'very mean' do you think I'd be agonising over how to deal with this in a polite way or just telling her to go upstairs in her room and get on with it? She has told us how much she loves her job, very happy to stay as long as she can.

What you are right about is whether I think tehre is a solution via speaking to her - in line with strategies others have suggested - or whether it's too late for that, for this au pair in relaty without upsetting her and upending our situation. Then think about next time, for sure.

We have had both types of APs. current one is lovely but by no means a party animal - she is never out during the week, and at weekends she will often be around. It is frustrating at times and I know exactly where you are coming from HTS.

Occasionally we say we are eating alone, but that is perhaps once a month. However, she usually leaves us to watch telly / do our own thing after we have eaten. If she didn't, I would find it a lot more difficult.

DH is going abroad soon for 6 months...and I have to say that I am slightly dreading it being just me and her - every night for months. But will have to manage as there is no alternative.

IMO it is mean, very mean to burst someone?s balloon, who feels very happy and very welcome and comfortable in a home, then finds out she isn?t actually as welcome in the family as she thought she was. How is that not mean? Don?t get me wrong I completely and utterly understand your position I used to cry with frustration sometimes, as I am a very private person and don?t enjoy having an au pair at all.

No matter how you break it to her she is going to be upset but next time you recruit tell them in advance they are not welcome to eat with you all the time, which I still think is mean but obviously works for others

So do sympathise as dp and I are stuck in this bloody financial position so we both have to work, I can?t find a nanny to do a couple of hours a day and full-time in the holidays, do not have family to help, and would never use a cm again. So what?s left? Sorry rambling now....

It is not mean! Teenagers living at home do not spend every minute of the day or evening with their parents! So why should you have to have someone in your personal space all the time?

HTS - Is not saying she doesnt want AP with her in the evenings at all. Just not all the time big difference IMO