How do I grow a pair and deal with this?

[lobsters]

New nanny started this week, and overall it's going well, she gets on well with DD and looks after her well. However there are a few things that are niggling me aand I need to check I'm being reasonable to deal with. For background, I'm off all week to do the handover, and trying to stay in the background as much as possible and go out a lot. Examples are:

• she seems to show no iniative. One of the main things I was looking for and thought I had got was someone who could get on with things. Everyday this week I've had to tell/ suggest activities to do so it's not endlessly walking to the river to feed the ducks, as DD doesn't really enjoy this as it gives her no opportunity to roam (DD is 8 months, and only crawling). I've had to drive her round the area to show her where everything is, I guess I'm just used to in my job, if you want to know where somewhere is (and I'm out of the office a lot for meetings) you just get on the internet and find out.

• she seems to get an idea in her head and not think it though. She was wittering on since she got her about some special soup she makes and how we would all love it, and it would be great for DD. Today she brings it in to taste, despite me not being able to eat for 24 hours due to medical tests (which she knew about) and we then discover it has a normal stock cube in it, so I don't let her give it to DD due to salt levels. There have been other examples, where she is determined to go out somewhere, regardless of impact on nap or mealtimes. Sometimes I've had to stop her, but surely she should think about this for herself.

• I don't like the way she drives, went out in her car today, and thought she made a few right turns I wouldn't have. DD was screaming in the car, even though I was in the back with her and I think that was getting to the nanny.

• I'm trying to be generous with hours, but not feeling I'm getting it back. Her hours are 8-6, last 2 days she's been 5-15 mins late, there was a reason today, but still...... On Monday, she said" I know my hours are 8-6" but what time do you want me to start tomorrow. Everyday I've let her go a little bit early, as by 5.30 she's almost like a school kid hanging a round at the end of the school day. Also and this is probably where I'll get less sympathy, I had to go for medical procedure today that involved sedation, I found out about it last week. Both DH and my parents are abroad this week. Medical advice was that I needed someone to stay with me overnight, so I asked the nanny, making it clear we would pay her overtime. She seemed to say yes quite happily. Anyway today came back from the hospital, I was quite a lot more with it after sedation than expected, so nanny jsut kept aksking if she could go home as I was fine. I felt she was asking in a way I couldn't say no. I'm feeling fine now, but I guess I could have a funny turn in the night, and now it's only me and DD at home. I'm quite annoyed about it now.

• she keeps going home without doing all her jobs. I don't think I'm that demanding, but one task I'm very clear about is to make up bottles so we have some ready for overnight and early morning. Also clear up all the tea stuff. I was upstairs putting DD to bed when she left and came downstairs to find lots of things not done.

Just had a chat to DH, he suggests I have a "what went well, what went badly" chat with her on Friday, Am I overacting to these points? How do I address them best? Next week is my first week at work, DH is the busiest he's been at work for a year, so I'm going to need her to do some overtime. I need to be able to rely on her.

Very sorry this is long an rambling, I'm trying to be clear on the issues (and failed)

Hello, Im also wondering if its more that you are unsure of leaving your baby and maybe no-one would be good enough. I understand that you need to be completely comfortable with your nanny before you go back to work, and maybe you are right to have these concerns, but you do sound very negative towards her.

I wonder if she feels uncomfortable with you being at home and not sure where she stands with sharing the child care. It can feel uncomfortable when the child doesnt know you and the mum is there, you dont want to step on any toes.

She obviously does have her faults, ie not staying with you when you asked her to and turning up late, but these are things that can be sorted out.

When I started at my current nanny job and did 2 weeks handover with the mum, I didnt feel it went well at all. I felt uncomfortable, the children wouldnt let me do anything for them and I felt like I was no help atall, like a spare part. 3 Years later Im still there, the children love me, I love them and I get on really well with the parents.

Hope it all works out for you and these are just teething problems.

Good luck.

DH is right. And I agree with Blondeshavenorefun.

Lots went wrong and she doesn't sound awfully bright to me.

Do not be flexible about hours at the beginning. She has to turn up and leave on time and she has to do all her jobs. She sounds lazy and uncommitted. You have to be able to count on her: if she says she'll do it, she should do it, bar illness or emergency. The driving is extremely worrying.

The only thing not to worry about is the initiative. If you have someone who's great, willing, energetic and so on but just lacking in initiative it's not that bad. You just have to put more in at the beginning yourself, really set out what to do and what is expected. After a while she would fall into your ways and find her way about. Definitely not sackable.

As for the rest, deal with it now, right now, or she'll walk all over you.

Oh dear. That sounds so harsh and so unkind.

I'm sure she's a lovely person and so on, I'm painting her much too black.

If you can sort out the time-keeping and driving, if your dd is happy,then everything can work out I'm sure.

But you as employer should make absolutely clear what you need, and in this first conversation draw up some lists together. It's not fair to her to give her a misleadingly generous idea of what it will be like to work for you and then after a couple of months of you getting increasingly furious be told that it's all wrong. If you can't say it now, when you don't know her, you won't.

If you've got any worries that if you are "strict" she won't be so sweet with your child, then you shouldn't employ her anyway.

It's much fairer all round to both of you if you say it now.

Sorry for being so unsympathetic before.

Thank you for all the advice, it is very much appreciated. Today generally went better, although she was 10 mins late this morning. I'll have a chat about that.

We went out again today with her driving, she is more aggressive than me, but I think not unsafely so. The main issue seems to be is if DD is screaming in the car (and she can go for it when in the mood) it upsets and distracts her. The key is going to be not to drive in the late afternoon when this is most likely to happen. To be fair on her, it took me a while to be able to deal with it.

The food was overall better, she made her a nice lunch. For dinner she was originally just going to give her a homemade rice pudding, but fortunately she agreed with my suggestion of giving her a "main" too.

I have tried to keep out of the way as much as possible, but it's been tricky, partly with the medical procedure, which meant i couldn't leave the house on Wednesday morning, and with bits and pieces, like her wanting me the show her the way to soft play this afternoon. This meant I couldn't venture too far at lunchtime and was around this afternoon. Tomorrow I'm going out for most of the day, until late in the day when I'll come back for a chat to see how the week has gone.

Between us we've developed a schedule of activities for each day of the week, so hopefully that should work. And next week she'll have more access to the computer so hopefully can be a bit more self starting.

She is fab with DD and plays with her well, I just need her think through the other tasks more clearly, plan the day a bit better and think things through a bit more. I don't think she will do a runner on Friday and hopefully it will pick up next week.

"The food was overall better, she made her a nice lunch. For dinner she was originally just going to give her a homemade rice pudding, but fortunately she agreed with my suggestion of giving her a "main" too."

She doesn't seem to have much experience. Why hasn't she been nannying recently and what has she been doing?

And 10 minutes late again?! I'd be seriously pissed.

why thank you ebb and stuffitllllama - i do very occasionally make sense

OMG she is experienced and in her mid 30's (I assumed she was young from your first post) and cant find her way to a soft play area/give an 8mth a proper lunch

and late AGAIN today is her 4th day and she has been late twice?

the more you say about her, the more i fear she isnt right for you (or for any family tbh)

Oh good, I thought I might have been a bit unreasonable in thinking a milky ricey dish was good enough for a whole meal (not babyrice I hastened to add).

She did nannying, from what I've ben told one job ended couldn't find another so ended up temping and sticking with office work for a while, then wanted to move back to nannying. We'll have a chat tomorrow, see how it goes next week and have a chat next Friday, I really have to try and focus on work next week. I will leave clearer instructions about the food for the week. She is good with DD and interacts with her well, it's more the stuff I need her to do for me that doesn't go as well.

With the 10 mins late thing, I'm going to mention it, but I'll be relying on 2 tube lines and a main line train to get home, so I imagine I'm going to be 10 mins late a few times. Although in theory I am leaving myself enough time to be home about 20-30 mins before she leaves

Many people play well with babies - if that's her only good point, then, well, ummm..... You did check her references thoroughly, right? For all her jobs, including the office ones?

I was prepared in the beginning to believe that you were having trouble letting go and she was having trouble having you around (although the not staying over thing was very off) but the more you post about her the more I start to agree with blondes and the others that she's just not right for you. Some things can be explained by you being protective (which is fair enough) and her being a bit nervous (again, fair enough) but if you've said you'd like her to do more and she's not doing it then . And it's not your job to plan your DDs week, unless you have specific things you want her to do, that's what the nanny is there for - she should know a range of age-appropriate activites and at least where to look to find where they are!

She does seem to have odd ideas on nutrition. Rice pudding isn't a meal in itself for an 8 months old and it's not giving your DD the range of textures and flavours that she needs to be experiencing.

Late AGAIN is seriously not on. Time for that chat - I hope you're noting all these things down to bring up!

not unreasonable at all!!!

your nanny really isnt showing her self in good light

sounds to me, she couldnt be arsed to work in an office and then decided that going back to nannying was an easy route

did you check her references? Do you have a short notice period in 1st month, ie a week?

if you did get rid of her, could you manage with a temp nanny/other childcare arrangements while you find a new one?

yes there are times when mb train is late and i work later - it happens - but if your nanny is driving to work she needs to leave earlier - if she is getting bus/tube etc then she needs to get an earlier one

being late twice in 4 days (and in a new job) is

UNACCEPTABLE!!

very organised of you to plan to be in 5.30ish normally but have a 6pm finish time

A 8 month old could survive on just milk, especially EBM. Most parents though have started weaning by this age... veg and fruit tend to be the main things that are used in pureed, mashed, or small lump form depending on how far weaning is progressing. Lentils or meat also used at this age, for protein. Sugar level in rice pudding would be a potential concern, plus what sort of milk was used - cows? Every parents view on suitable food for an under 1 will be different, so if you feel its fine then that's ok, but if you would feed your DD something different, then maybe there needs to be some suggestions given as to what foods your DD usually has.

The lateness issue really needs to be talked about. So far she's been late more often than early/on-time.

theoriginalmummypoppins - "You talk about bottles so are happily chucking artificial milk down DD's neck." - not a fair comment, I feel. Not everybody is in a position to breastfeed, and comments like that make those of us who wish we could breastfeed, but can't, feel even more guilty about it.

I was about to come and pick up on that point too picketybing....how is that a helpful comment theoriginalmary poppins?

OP I have no real advice except to keep communicating with each other.

I expect there would be far less babies being looked after by nannies (or any other form of childcare) if formula milk was not around.
Therefore it could be argued that formula milk has given childcare workers jobs - so please don't make comments like that theoriginalmummypoppins. As you said yourself "1. Nobody is perfect ( including us parents ) and most childcare is a compromise".

Lobsters - With regard to baby food, Plum Baby does a range which I found good when littleone I care for was that age. Certainly encourage nanny to make suitable food but maybe having some shop-brought baby food around may help for things like outings and when instant food is needed (babies don't like to wait when they are hungry, I find!)

I hope your nanny arrives on-time (even better if she is early) today.

TBH I just ignored the formula comments, it's not like I can think "oh no, you're right her milk is completely wrong I'll start lactating again." I have a completely beautiful, gorgeous, funny, healthy 8 month old daughter, formula hasn't done he too much harm. Indeed she has a strong grip for hair pulling and eye gouging, and good curisoity to empty the contents of my purse this morning. She lookd so funny and cute doing it, I just let her get on with it.

Nanny manual is printed out for her to read today, and I'll have a chat this afternoon. If I were to get rid of her now, I'd be completely buggered, I want to get next week out of the way at work, then I could think about alternatives if needed.

NN - Plum baby food has been a good life saver for me already. It what was used last night as a last minute main course. There are also a lot meals for DD in the freezer I have prepared, which can be heated up in te microwave in 2 mins, however nanny won't do that as apparently the plastic is poisonous in the microwave. I've done it and am happy to do it, but if she doesn't want to that's her perogative.

One more quick question if that's allowed - what do you do about swimming when it's cold? I had suggested they go swimming today, but nanny has said not, as it's too cold and DD will be full of cold when she gets out. Surely if it's now winter then it's always going to be to cold to go swimming in that case. Am I wrong to just suggest get out and her dried quickly if you are worried and pop a hat on her?

FGS - tell her to dry her off well. She just can't be bothered is the issue.

I hate to say this but I do think she's going to drive you mad.

I'd be fairly p**d off if someone told me that a way I suggested feeding my child was poisonous. If you want her to heat food in the microwave, then she should. Yes, there are things you shouldn't put in the microwave, but most baby type plastic pots are fine. Hmm, OK to poison her with adult salt products, but not with plastics.

Swimming - she should just be as dry as possible before going back outside. Hair rubbed off, and hat if required. We'd often have a quick coffee before going out when DS2 was little.

You're the boss here. Do you feel like she is respecting this?

Initially I thought YABU about a few things. In particular about the special soup- which I thought was a nice gesture on her part; and one stock cube is not the end of the world...

However, I hate to say it, but really it doesn't sound like she's the right nanny for you. Which if true, is very unfortunate & I feel for you...

In particular, the being late thing (especially so soon in the job) is unacceptable. I assume you have hired a nanny (as all of us who hire nannies do) in part so as not to have to rush around with drop off / pick up etc. However, if she's consistently late, its almost the same thing, you'll inevitably get stressed at some point & might have to rush getting to work etc. Plus I have the impression- for all jobs, not just nannying- that lateness tends to get worse, not better with time...

there are other reasons why I suspect she's not right for you, but the others have commented on them... You have my sympathies, it must be hard dealing with this just when you're about to start work. But in my limited experience (I've only ever hired the one nanny who still works with us) it really really needs to feel right when we're talking about the care of your baby. And when it does feel right & things go well, then small problems are dealt with easily & smoothly.

so basically whatever you suggest, ie soft play (too sunny) swimming (too cold) - nanny disagrees

YOU are her employer and you are in charge and can ask tell your nanny to do what you want

normally i would say DONT micro manage your nanny, let her do what she wants and all will be happy - but thats for when nannys can use their brain and innative (sp)

some people dont like microwaves - tbh i couldnt work for someone who didnt have one/allowed me to use it - they are a godsend - esp when home from school, and need a quick tea before rushing off to gym etc

if your nanny doesnt like them (wierd imho) then she can empty the frozen meal into a saucepan and heat like that

as MP says a nanny is there to make the mums life easier and tbh yours doesnt sound as if she does

we also use plum baby - no 3 loves their food, but also loves my home cooking

swimming is fine if cold outside, tho i wouldnt take if have a streaming cold - make sure have towel for when you get out of the pool and dry and dress and then go for a cuppa/drink for bubba

I was expecting this nanny to be about 18 not in her 30s with experience.

In early days I would expect the nanny to be doing more than she needs to give a good impression tbh.

Tbh my 20 year old AP seems to have a lot more initiative and common sense than this woman.

Good luck - I think you will need it. I would be looking for alternatives NOW!!

yes, I'm afraid I would be looking for another one too. Did you put a probation period in her contract?

I must admit, in all my years of having nannies, not one has ever been late. In fact, they are normally early. I always let them go the minute I get home but we have mutual respect for each other because I don't take the piss and nor have they.

I can only think she is acting up because you are around but even so, it hasn't created a very good first impression.

MummyP, you have 29 paragraphs in the job description???

This nanny is not going to last. I'm afraid I think the sooner you part the better...

Yes AN. How embarassing ! I agree with Maria. Initially I thought you were being paranoid about small things .

Sorry I didnt mean to offend anyone with my BF comments.

I think Lobsters you are being very reasonable and the more you tell us the more I agree that she doesnt sound like she is either right for you or much cop as a nanny to be honest.

I too have had AP's with more initiative and thats in a foreign country too.

I would get rid and start again. For working mumm's puntuality is paramount and in her first few weeks to not be on time is just plain rude.

I can count the number of times I've been late for work in the last 5 years on my fingers - and they've all been only 5-10 minutes late and for good reasons.

Is the nanny just very stuck in her ways? It sounds like she has particular ideas about food and activities - which is fine to an extent, every nanny will have a preferred way to do things, but part of your job as a nanny is to fit in with how the family does things. I've worked for families that have avoided certain foods or activities that I think are fine, rocked children to sleep, used dummies - basically done things differently to how I might do them. But I always respect the parent's wishes.