How many AP's do you think you have to have before you have perfectly honed your handbook to cover all areas of stupidity?

[Weegle]

We are on AP number 4 (if you include the one who lasted 8 days). And TBH I find it a right laborious PITA getting them established (might have something to do with hyperemisis and double-whammy pregnancy hormones but bear with me). We have a very detailed handbook which is revised twice in each AP's stay (once in their first few weeks whilst new things bug me, and once at the end when I want to change things because new things bug me). New things to be added in the fortnight this new one has been here are:

If the schedule says 9am start, that means you are up, showered, dressed, breakfasted and ready to go at 9am - not set your alarm at 9am. Or if it says 3pm start you don't walk in the door at 3.01pm and need to sort out a million bags of clothes shopping. No amount of telling her is working.

Locking the doors when you go out and are leaving the house unattended means actually putting the key in the lock and turning it - it's not a very secure house if I come home and can walk in the WIDE OPEN back door.

Keeping on top of the laundry does not mean on a rainy day putting one top and a pair of pants in the washing machine and then the tumble drier. And if I say "don't iron the bedding, life is too short" I actually mean it - especially once I've said it for the third time. (It's the one area she's over efficient).

If my DS asks the Q "Why?" I don't expect you to be fed up of it within 2 weeks of being here and sarcastically reply at all times "why do you think?" to a very bewildered and genuinely curious 3 year old.

Currently in bold but now going to be put in HUGE capitals as well "If you are unsure about anything ASK first before attempting it"

Oh there is more, but honestly - aren't some things just OBVIOUS? Whether you're 19 or not?!

Rant over

wow, you've got your hands full woman!

yes an au pair is your best bet just now

just a thought, have you contacted your local council to ask if they have any resources that could help you out?

yes, well I say yes, but admittedly it was probably nearly 2 years ago. There's nothing that can be done because we're not in a SureStart area (and that would only be 2 hours a week so not really great) and because it's ME that's disabled not DS there just aren't services out there. I used to have a charity come and help me a few afternoons a week who were wonderful and took DS to the park or whatever, but I never know in advance when I will be good/bad and the appointments are a real nightmare... hey ho.

I hope there aren't too many replies since I typed this! Got distracted with a builder half way through typing...

I thought monkeys ate bananas?

The not getting up on time would drive me crazy too! I think I would change her start time to 8.30am.

The laundry and not locking up - is this the first time she's lived away from home? That sounds quite typically teenage not-thinking-things-through. Hopefully she'll get the hang of it. I would stick a note on the front door reminding her to lock all doors before she leaves. A friend of mine (a 30-something mum) has a poster on her front door with a checklist of what to do before she leaves the house (turn oven and hair straighteners off/close windows/pick up keys) - she's just very scatty and would forget otherwise.

However, answering "why" with "what do you think" - I do that I always try to answer genuine questions, but that toddler thing of asking questions they know the answer to gets on my nerves. I try not to sound sarcastic though.

To go back to the original thread title, as many as you have au pairs.

One does something badly so you remember to pick the nextone up on it , who looks at you as if you are some sort of patronising idiot for needing to point out something so blindingly obvious.

ANd to answer ssd's point, my kids are of school age so a nanny would not be appropriate, I just need somebody to be at home when I am not to stop the killing each other (entertaining them as well being an added bonus but not essential) and to ensure they don't starve. I am not at the same time each afternoon/evening so a childminder is not appropriate .

Yes I think it's the not getting up which starts each day on the wrong foot - everything else is really very trivial (assuming she won't leave the back door wide open again) and just needs some good general management - and the most important thing - DS liking her and being happy, is there, so that's my focus. And I guess it's irking a lot because I currently feel so deathly at that time of day that I could really do with her getting herself up and being available ready to roll at 9am so I know that at least come an exact time I am not having to entertain/sort out/whatever with DS whilst throwing up.

DIOM - you're right, you just have to keep editing the manual. I now preface everything with - "you probably won't need telling but I'd rather tell you incase..." - as they do look at you like you're patronising them and then promptly wash the only dark blue new towel in the house with all the cream ones...

I have to say the not getting up would be a real PITA for me- she is VERY lucky to only have to do 9am starts.

Only thing that suprised me was the 'why' bit. I have head it reccomended so so many times by so many different people that I thought challenging them back to think about things was standard childcare

Hey let he who is without the 'BECAUSE IT JUST IS ALRIGHT NOW GO AND PLAY SOMEWHERE ELSE- PLEASE' sin, cast the first stone- I know I wouldnt be throwing anything!!

It's not the questioning DS back - I will do this if he asks a Q he knows the answer to. She says it to EVERY question he asks. So yesterday DS asked her "how old are you?" (perfectly valid Q I thought) and she, sarcastically, said back to him "I don't know, how old are you?"... it's just.... weird! The vast majority of his Q's are genuine interest ones (he's only just turned 3 and really is inquisitive "how does the light work Mummy?") and we mostly try to answer them with a correct answer. If he's just being a pest asking the same Q over and over again then fair enough, but generally speaking he isn't...

what do you think might happen if you put another alarm clock just outside her door, set for 8.30am?

I think I like your thinking, but it just seems so... immature??? Surely asking her several times, and reminding her before she goes to bed, and whilst she is eating her breakfast at 9.20am that she's late, should be enough? I will have another word before the end of today - tomorrow is 10am start so surely that is possible and I will be very irked if she's late as I need to go out at about five past.

Well she's 19 - she is immature.

Do you have a disciplinary procedure in your contract? I'd be giving her a formal verbal warning I think.

yes I believe there is one in the contract - it's just a standard pro forma one. Will give her one more chance tomorrow to see if there's an improvement and if not then I might have to go down that route. Don't much fancy it as I don't want any atmosphere - I want everyone to get on and be happy.

Ahh I see your point then weegle
My DS is 4.5 and at the just eing incredibly irritating method of why-ing

Me :'ooh better stop the car, dont want to go through red light'
DS: 'Why?'
Me :'because that would be very dangerous and we might get hurt'
DS 'Why?'
Me: 'because another car might hit us'
Ds 'Why?'
Me: 'Because we would be parked in the middle of a junction'
Ds 'Whyyyyyyyy?'
Me: Because the next lights are red
DS Why?

(10 mins later)
Me Because they just like making my life bloody awkward.. (mutters 'like you do it seems') sulks like small child at realising have lost temper again

Don't put the spare alarm clock outside her door - sneak it under her bed during the day and then set to maximum volume.

Change her start time to 8.45. The you know whe'll be ready for 9.00am

Change her start time to 8.45. Then you'll know she'll be ready for 9.00am

Dock her money.

She might buck up then.

Send children into the room at 9:00 on the dot and don't go get them back out.

I would definitely give a warning. Downstairs dressed and ready for work at 9:00 or there is the door. Make your choice. However, I wouldn't mind if she hadn't eaten breakfast, so long as she was then going to sit down and have it with the kids.

Have decided as she always goes out at bedtime that dinner time will be the review time. My two key points are the start time and asking if you're not sure of something (have come home to my "quartered, that's in to 4" tomatoes have been blitzed within an inch of their lives) - everything else I can let go of. And I can shit sandwich it and tell her all the good things too. If that still fails and there's no improvement tomorrow I'll have to rethink.

It was a serious offer.

I used to be an au pair and have worked as a mother's help and a nanny so know how to be an employee (though would help you out for free obviously).

Oh God, I've had so many aupairs I've actually lost count.

I've had a few great ones that have lasted a good few months, three that have lasted a week, a couple that have lasted a month.

You know you just can't tell when you interview someone exactly how it's going to be once they've moved in and have stopped 'pretending' to make an impression.

I actually get more and more intolerant of stupidity and selfishness and I can usually tell within a week whether I can actually stand to live with them and whether they are a goer or not.

For me punctuality is absolutely crucial.

Yes, the manual would end up being as long as war and peace if you had to cover every single possible act of stupidness you'd encountered and then with each new person there would be a new act of stupidity.

I reckon a lot of au pairs don't actually like kids very much, despite what they write in their dear family letters. I now steer well clear of anyone who says they just love kids and want to play with them all the time and have lots of little cousins they babysit for" bollocks to that,.

If she doesn't buck her ideas up you might have to get rid.

ah kittywise you are a far tougher lady than me . Will see how tonight goes - I am going to be completely black and white "It is not acceptable to be still needing to shower and dress and breakfast after your start time. From tomorrow I expect you to be showered, dressed, breakfasted and ready to start at the start time, no excuses".

FBG - whereabouts are you? my profile just says SE... it might be a long way?! Honestly though I'm so worried all my RL friends are going to run a mile when the twins arrive and there I am in pain struggling with a young child and two babies that anyone who wanted to hold a baby, give them some cuddles and share a cuppa would be most welcome

Totally reasonable apart form the "why do you think?" which is a totally reasonable response to a 3 year old

I am in Kent