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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Overnight Guests

34 replies

ConstantlyCooking · 22/05/2009 08:38

We are about to employ our first au pair and I have been using Au Pair World. One question that has cropped up a few times is can the au pair have overnight guests.
My instinct is to say yes but no guests for the first 4-6 weeks so we can all get to know each other and then only one at a time and I want to know about guests in advance.
DH thinks the in advance bit is unreasonable but I don't want to bump into strangers in my house in the middle of the night! However I thought I would ask you all what would be reasonable.

OP posts:

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HSMM · 22/05/2009 09:02

I would say "No". When you get to know her better, you can always change your mind. They could have a different partner back every night, or still be heard chatting to a friend until the early hours of the morning. I would wait until you get to know them before you allow this. Up to you.

LittlePaws · 22/05/2009 09:19

I think I would be inclined to say no to start with, and then once you know them better and are confident that they will not just be out looking for a new man every-night then maybe, I actually wouldn't be happy for them to bring a man back at all. I think I would also insist that I have advance notice of friends visiting.

LittlePaws · 22/05/2009 09:19

thebody · 22/05/2009 11:30

have never employed an au pair but imo little paws is spot on. totally agree with her post.

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/05/2009 12:07

agree with little paws,say no,you can always change your mind

much harder saying yes in the 1st place,and having lots of guests then trying to ask/tell ap that she cant have any

maybe after a month you can say yes to female guests but that they need to ask for male (this is obv when your ap isnt gay)

Original poster

ConstantlyCooking · 22/05/2009 12:53

Thanks for your replies- I feel more confident about challenging DH now. I might say only after 2 months and then advance notice and only if convenient- this would pre-empt any sudden overnight boyfriends! Hmmmm getting complicated now.

OP posts:

DadInsteadofMum · 22/05/2009 13:07

Rule for our au pairs is not in first two months, advance notice and no boys. Not sure why the advance notice bit could be considered unreasonable.

overweightnoverdrawn · 22/05/2009 16:00

My friends Aupair was a lesbian so the no boys thing didnt bother her . Seriously true.

Julesnobrain · 22/05/2009 17:52

We don't allow overnight guests and any other guests (female only) we ask them to request permission and they have to leave by 12.00pm. A couple have had their girlfriends over and its always been OK but I wouldn't be happy with a boyfriend staying over or even coming into the house during at any time.

PixiNanny · 22/05/2009 18:30

My employers let me have my boyfriend over for two or three nights running! We're long distance and if it weren't for my employers we wouldn't be together still. He's the only person who has been here really though (in regards to me anyways!)

PixiNanny · 22/05/2009 18:34

Though, adding to that, I suppose it would depend on what your AP was like. If I were to have guests, they would most likely be men (my best friend is a guy, the few friends I can rely on are all men) but then I don't let my friends get in the way of my job, if my boyfriend comes over then he helps rather than hinders and I'm not the type of person who goes out often or would have friends over shrugs

2anddone · 22/05/2009 18:55

When I was an aupair my family let me have anybody round I wanted whenever I wanted, though boys were to stay in the family room. The only rule about sleepovers were no boys and whoever slept over had to stay in my room as I had the spare bedroom (db didn't want to walk into family room and find one of my friends asleep on the couch)Out of politeness I always asked if friends could come round though

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 22/05/2009 19:00

I don't have any au pairs and am unlikely to, but I am a bit bewildered at this fussing about 'letting' them have sex lives (because that's what all this 'overnight guests' is about, isn't it?). They are adults, after all.
It would strike me as more sensible to tell them that any guests must be gone by breakfast time and that the AP is directly responsible for any theft or damage done by guests (as I suppose you are worrying that random blokes will nick the video or something).

cheapskatemum · 22/05/2009 19:22

An AP's wages wouldn't cover theft of a new car, for example. Therefore many families would rather not take the risk.

PixiNanny · 22/05/2009 19:37

I remember my host Mum saying to me that if the kids didn't like my boyfriend then she would not have him round again which I feel is perfectly understandable(!) but I also feel that it depends on the people.

You can get a good idea about people before they even turn up. If an AP is very dependant and maybe talks about her partner/friend constantly, I wouldn't like the idea of their partner coming because I'd feel that she'd lack in her work and also, if she's dependant on the host parents then it'd probably be worse with the boyfriend!

I think (hope? lol) my bosses trust me enough to decide who'll come and go because they know that I wouldn't risk the kids, and the friends I would ask to come round (with employers permission always) would be other activity instructors or my best mate, who handles money for a living lol And they're all CRBd too, coincidentally enough

But I dont have people round often (if ever) so I can understand an employers concerns if their AP is a bit of a socialite.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 22/05/2009 21:45

Cheapskatemum: Well that's true, but would such families be equally suspicious that any boyfriends of their DD would be car thieves? Bearing in mind that most young people who cop off with other young people and want to sneak into each other's homes for a shag are not that likely to be thieves or murderers?

Millarkie · 22/05/2009 21:50

We allow overnight guests for our AP and we have allowed an AP to have her long-term boyfriend to stay (in fact he stayed here the first night she arrived because he helped her with her bags/flight). We do ask for advance notice though and I would not be happy with strange faces around the breakfast table on a regular basis... in general the APs seem to have the occasional female friend over to watch dvds in their room/sleepover (although some of the APs in this area have their own 'granny flats' so tend to host dvd nights), and then there is a friend from home who stays for a few days (we have had both APs' mums, boyfriend, and best friend from home).
What I would put into house rules in future is that any visitors should not disrupt the working time of the AP and that although we are happy to provide breakfast and we would like to share at least one meal with them, the AP/Friend should supply some food or eat out some of the time.(Having danced attendance to AP and her best mate this week and having had our cupboards emptied). Oh, and that AP strips bed and washes bedlinen/towels afterwards. (Feels like I'm running a hotel).

jura · 22/05/2009 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cheapskatemum · 22/05/2009 22:26

SolidgoldSneezelikeApig - no DDs only DSs here

smellen · 22/05/2009 22:37

Don't have an au pair, but if I did, I don't know if I'd be comfortable with having an adult male who I didn't know, in the house (excuse the heterosexist assumption!). It would have to be someone that she had know for a good while and I'd have to be fairly convinced that the AP was a good judge of character. So, I guess, initially I'd say no stopovers. (Stop outs a different matter altogether!)

Squiffy · 22/05/2009 23:08

If you trust your au pair to look after your kids, then surely you should be able to trust them to choose their partners/friends with reasonable care.

I have always asked to be told in advance (but that generally means a couple of days in advance). I wouldn't dream of interfering in their social life when they're not working, and that extends (of course) to allowing them to have guests in our house.

PixiNanny · 23/05/2009 00:18

Being told in advance is fair enough, I hate intruding on my host family with a guest, especially at short notice! Only done it once and that was went me and a poi boy organised a meet back when the weather was about to turn snowy: we retreated to my host fams kitchen for tea after a couple of hours in the cold! Host Mum found it funny and made the tea for us as we couldn't hold the kettle...

I try and give plenty of warning when the bf is staying, like they already know that he's popping down for a few days in September...

PixiNanny · 23/05/2009 00:21

Oh, and the trusting APs to look after kids thing? I hate it when parents say they don't trust their AP yet they still leave their children with them?! If I had kids and an AP then didn't trust her I'd replace her immediately, why would you leave the most precious things in the world in incapable hands?

Millarkie · 25/05/2009 11:13

But Trust is not an all encompassing thing is it..e.g. I would trust dh to care for the kids but I wouldn't trust him to do the shopping without spending far too much on tat that we don't need (so I do the shopping :-) ). And when you employ a new childcarer you have to give them almost blind-trust (ie. you need to trust their references) and continue to do so until such a time as you are proven wrong eg. they bring home a different bloke every night of the week or they get speeding tickets in your car..and at that point you reassess what you still trust them with (looking after the kids but not bringing friends home, looking after kids but not driving them anywhere).
It's not an all or nothing Trust.

(And I can't understand why people say - if you trust someone to look after your children you should trust them to lead a life according to your principles.)

PixiNanny · 25/05/2009 11:37

What I really meant to aim that at was those parents who go on about how bad their AP/Nanny is and how they can't trust them with anything, we all know that these parents exist, yet they don't bother changing their childcare and then they tar the rest of us with the same brush.

It's frustrating because they say they don't trust their childcarer to look after their children, yet they don't consider getting somebody else in?! I know in the case of nanny's you do need proof for a dismissal so that you aren't sued for unfair dismissal, but in the case of an AP you don't need that at all so easily replaced.

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