Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Am I reasonable in what I am expecting from my au pair?

36 replies

Goggylou · 17/05/2009 22:52

We have had an au pair for a month or so now. It was my second child's first birthday and she sat in her room all day not venturing out once. I must say I was perhaps expecting her to come down and sing happy birthday with us and the grandparents or even to get a card. Am I expecting too much? It was one of her days off. This is my first au pair experience so would be grateful for any guidelines on how much to expect her to integrate with the family.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MissisBoot · 17/05/2009 22:53

Did you ask her to come down? Maybe she didn't want to intrude on a family day?

onadietcokebreak · 17/05/2009 22:56

I think she may have not wanted to intrude. Maybe worth talking about in advance in future eg its DS 2nd birthday and we were wondering if you would like to join us for the birthday tea etc....

Original poster

Goggylou · 17/05/2009 22:57

We went out to the shops in the morning and I asked if she wanted to come too. SHe had dinner with my parents and the rest of the family on Friday night and joined us again yesterday. I told her we would be having a few people round at 3. do you think it is too much to expect a card or even a happy birthday?

OP posts:

Original poster

Goggylou · 17/05/2009 23:01

Also we didn't realise she was in the house. She was so quiet when we got back from the shops at lunchtime and we still hadn't seen her by 7pm ! Eventually I went up and called for her just on the off chance she was there totally expecting her to be out.

OP posts:

onadietcokebreak · 17/05/2009 23:28

She should have given a card and a happy birthday at least. What country is she from. Do you know if there are cultural differences?

FourArms · 18/05/2009 07:37

I'd have expected our French ap to get a card and say happy birthday, but not to join in the party tea unless she wanted to as that might have been quite intimidating.

bigchris · 18/05/2009 07:40

she sounds lonely to be and perhaps shy
how awful to feel like she should be in her room all day
I suppose she thought she'd been socialable having the family dinners but why didn't she go out? has she friends nearby? I think a card would have been a nice gesture, is she ok in her job in other ways? good with your dd?

Original poster

Goggylou · 18/05/2009 08:05

I can't quite work out whhat was going on. I realise that she didn't even come down to eat anythng all day yesterday becasue after I went up and saw her at 7 she only came down once to ask my the name of a computer key in English then went back upstairs to stay. She is Italian. not really cultural differences and I speak Italian so no prob understanding.

I asked her this morning if the reason she didn't come down was that she felt she couldn't with my paretns there and she said no.

She is OK with the kids. Good with younger one and seems to really like him. Another reason why I didn't get the no card or even happy birthday thing. And she really doesn't seem shy with others generally.

OP posts:

DadInsteadofMum · 18/05/2009 09:47

The au pair relationship is a strange one being both employer/employee and expectations about being part of the family; and it is a very fine balancing act for both parties.

At the extremes you could say would I buy my employers DS a card for their birthday (no); at the other extreme would I buy my little sister a birthday card (most years when I remember).

She has only been with you a month and this is your first au pair you are both still feeling your way. I am not going to comment on whose actions I think are right because it will be different in every circumstance, all I can say is when I have a new au pair for the first 1 - 2 months I sit them down at least twice a week for chats, this is what I think you are doing well, this is what I think you need to do better, and just as importantly what can I do to make your life easier, what have the kids done that you object to, just to keep talking.

Finally the days off is always respected, they are always invited to join us but if they say no then thats the end of it, and Ihave learnt not to try and predict when they will say yes and when will they so no au pairs are very unpredictable.

iheartdusty · 18/05/2009 09:57

maybe she just felt she had been with your family all week, and wanted some time alone. It might not have dawned on her, how significant you feel his first birthday would be, and she may have thought 'well there are plenty of people around to fuss over him'.

if you went out in the morning presumably she came down then to get some food, then used her free time to do some things she wanted to do.

RedEmma · 18/05/2009 14:50

Maybe she just wanted a break from someone else's family/children on her day off?

thebody · 18/05/2009 18:15

I really dont understand your post .

I am a cm and love all my mindees but its a job. I take care of them when I am contracted and paid to and then I have my days off, I dont want to see them or their parents then.. I expect they dont want to see me either..
Why would she want to sing happy birthday on her day off?
do you go to work on your day off for the fun of it?
You say your au pair is good with the kids when she is working so are you just moaning that she isnt acting like one of the family? she isnt..
If she wants to stay in her room on her days off whats wrong with that and frankly its not your business.
Yes you would have expected a card but thats just immaturity.
On this thread its either people complaining that the au pair is too needy and doesnt go to her room or too independant and doesnt mix with the family.
Bigchris.. all young people prefer to stay in their rooms than talk to adults its NORMAL.

Laquitar · 18/05/2009 19:12

Good post thebody I think APs can never win. If they go downstairs and join the family 'they are needy and don't give the family space', if they stay in their room 'they are sulking'. Also they 'work only few hours' but 'it would be nice to join the family and ....erm... tidy up a bit'. It must be very difficult and tricky for APs.

thebody · 19/05/2009 19:41

thats it exactly Laquita, and ofter these au pairs are just teens, and when they proceed to act like teens then mums complain... Some mums expect too much for their cash imho.. feel sorry for the au pairs really..

HarrietTheSpy · 19/05/2009 19:54

It seems to me from reading these threads, plenty of au pair 'employers' can never do the right thing either though. They are blasted for not having employment contracts on one hand "don't you know any better?!" and then get it in the ear for having expectations when they do: "Au pairs are just teenagers/part of the family, what did you expect" etc.

I actually think it's just a case of being a really fraught situation because their status has been so unclear. Maybe the new working holiday maker system which replaces the au pair programme will clear things up eventually.

thebody · 19/05/2009 20:19

well I dont know about that HARRIET but the op was asking if it was unreasonable for an Au pair to stay in her bedrooom 'ON HER DAY OFF' and not join the family to sing happy birthday to the little darling she looks after on the days she is paid.

. yes imho that is unreasonable and the poster is wrong... I dont see that as a fraught situation at all...

Remember who is the adult mother here.. its not the Au pair is it...

what is the new working holiday maker thingy when its at home.. will it make these poor girls work on their days off or force them to join in the families fun outings instead of being able to mooch in their rooms. God love them..

Millarkie · 19/05/2009 20:26

Goggylou - I have found that our au pairs don't settle in properly for over a month so I think that ours would give a child a birthday card if they had been with us for a couple of months but not in the first month (and possibly not for a child who was only a year old). I would not have expected them to come down from their room (ours have both had some weekends when they have vegged out for a day with tv/web in their room) or to eat with the family at weekends no matter what the occasion (although we invite them if they are visible when we start cooking). Our default is that they eat with the kids during the week and they sort out their own meals at weekends (but with the proviso that they tell me if they want to do something different.
I don't think your au pair's behaviour has been unusual - (but having said that, I have only had 2 au pairs and the second one is trying my patience )

HarrietTheSpy · 19/05/2009 20:40

I'm not saying that the au pair isn't entitled to the day off. My reading is that the OP wasn't sure what to expect from the situation entirely in terms of incorporating her into family events. Maybe she's really into the part of the family side of things?! It's just possible.

Imagine if she'd come on here saying, am I being unreasonable to expect the au pair not to come to our family event, we really wanted some space, why couldn't she leave/stay in her room what the response would have been?

What a silly remark about the working holiday maker programme the Body.

HarrietTheSpy · 19/05/2009 20:46

When we considered an au pair last fall I had plenty of applications from girls who wanted to "go everywhere" with us, holidays, weekend trips, etc. We knew we couldn't deal with this level of commitment - we wanted the sort of childcare that you describe, their days off are their days off no expectation on either front - and decided the au pair programme wasn't for us.

So, I don't think the OP's questions are unreasonable.

Laquitar · 19/05/2009 21:09

TheBody, i don't think that Harriet meant it in a bad way. I can see her point, it must be confusing for both parts. But, Harriet, it's just that the sympathy goes more to the AP's as they are in another house, another country, don't speak the language etc so i guess they are more vulnerable. I have met quite a lot when i was nannying (live out) and felt sorry for them after i heard their stories. Of course one could say it's one side of the story...

HarrietTheSpy · 19/05/2009 21:21

You right I didn't!

If I were in the OPs shoes, I would have been wondering: is she upstairs because she's unhappy? does she feel she can't join in with us? should we leave her alone, or make an effort?

That sort of thing. I'm probably just paranoid.We trialled a French girl and my conclusion was that we would end up treating her like a permanent house guest.

At least with a live in nanny the boundaries are clear.

Laquitar · 19/05/2009 21:26

I believe you would genuinely worry. And maybe the OP too. But you see, some other families would like her to join in ...oh and then just tidy up a bit ...and play with the kids a bit ...and keep an eye on the food cooking and ...and ...So then it feels like she is working on her day off. I know YOU wouldn't do it but some families do

HarrietTheSpy · 19/05/2009 21:27

I'm not sure we've solved the OPs problems ore created more issues for her to think about...

Laquitar · 19/05/2009 21:29

i think you did with your last sentence: clear boundaries? And a good talk?

HarrietTheSpy · 19/05/2009 21:31

True! So, all's right with the world then. Wonder if OP will come back...and tell us how it worked out?

Flip

1 2