Am I reasonable in what I am expecting from my au pair?

[Goggylou]

We have had an au pair for a month or so now. It was my second child's first birthday and she sat in her room all day not venturing out once. I must say I was perhaps expecting her to come down and sing happy birthday with us and the grandparents or even to get a card. Am I expecting too much? It was one of her days off. This is my first au pair experience so would be grateful for any guidelines on how much to expect her to integrate with the family.

Hello all,

I haven't had time to read everything on this thread but:
I think that you should be aware that the habit of giving birthday cards to people you live with is peculiar to this country. In most or all of Continental Europe, birthday cards are only sent by mail to people you don't expect to either see on the day. My parents think that the idea of giving a card to your husband or wife or children is very strange!
I imagine that a brand new au pair would not know about the English convention but I would definitely expect her to say Happy Birthday verbally even if it was her first day there.
As for the rest, I find it quite possible that she might have felt she was intruding unless invited explicitly.
Hope this helps.

sorry to have offended you HARRIET but if you could just take a moment.. what is the working holiday thingy? i REALLY DONT KNOW

sorry to have offended you HARRIET but if you could just take a moment.. what is the working holiday thingy? i REALLY DONT KNOW

There is no such thing as working holiday - it went as a visa classification along with au pair last November.

okay and I can't believe I'm even posting at this hour. As I understand it, now that the au pair visa scheme doesn't exist, normal UK employment law covers people from the EU or those covered under the Youth Mobility Scheme I think it's called (it's on the Home Office website) who come over and do au pair roles, whereas before it was more of a grey area.

I think this arrangement will end up being better for everyone, au pair and 'host family' as people's rights and obligations will be clearer.

you might still want your 'day off' to be your 'day off' though.
Whatever the scheme its still a tricky situation having a young person living in your home.. even you own teens..

This is exactly my point. If they are employees with proper contracts and know when they work and when they don't, then they can say no very easily to a request like that, there's no ambiguity.

Its difficult with aupairs,they are to be treated as one of the family,not an employee.However my 14yr old would rather not attend family dos either.
Also its true that the sending out cards thing is very strange to most girls from Europe so dont expect one.
Have had girls insist on coming EVERYWHERE with me and actually report me to the agency when i took dd to an apt in London for a few hrs on aupairs day off as i didnt invite her to.
In the first week i talk about how much they would like to join in,then we have that talk again 2wks later as they usually decided they lonely and want to join in more or get away from you.
Only joining in i insist on is everyone eats together at dinner during the week.

Hi,

Thanks for all your comments. Just so you know the outcome (and my motivation) having worried that she didn't feel she was able to come downstairs even if she had wanted to we had a discussion about it at the beginning of the week. She said that she had just stayed in her room because she had stuff to do and it didn't cross her mind that she shouldn't come down. Just so you know she is 26, so not exactly a teenager, and has been in this country since the beginning of the year and has other friends. I don't think she is lonely.

I would agree that the status of an au pair in your home is a complex one, and frankly I don't think it is an experience I will repeat although I will keep this one probably until September when she intends to leave. It is useful to have a bit of help but it is difficult to match your expectations to the reality. I have previously only had a live out nanny, and an exceptional one at that, so I think my expectations were just too high.

Thanks again for your comments.

agree that giving cards to someone who you see onthe day is a very english/british. also i guess for some people birthdays are not such an important event /and that is not cultural i think, simply different habits in different families/ and she probably thought you are just doing your thing while she is doing hers. btw i know that in some families i worked for they would prefer if i was not at the party.

Goggy,dont let it put you off, i have made some wonderful friends by having aupairs and our lives are def richer for the experience,we have somewhere to stay in about 10 countries to 3 of my previous aupairs came to visit last year and 2 are visiting this summer.I admit some do just make life more difficult but when it clicks its really great.