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Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Help! At the end of my tether!

30 replies

fraught · 12/05/2009 13:11

I really feel like crying, and not sure where else to turn. I hope this is the right place to post it, I've only really lurked in the past.

In Febuary I started working for a family on a basis similar to that of an au pair, except I'm english. It seemed perfect, as it meant I could escape my family (!) whilst still having the time & income to study part-time. I probably should have noticed the warning signs when I visited them, but chose to assume they were having a bad weekend, and that the house wasn't normally quite such a state. Unfortunately when I arrived a fortnight later, it turned out that that had been a good weekend. I understand that there is a degree to which, in this kind of work, you have to tolerate a different style of living/parenting, but I don't think I'm overreacting in finding this kind of mess and lack of hygeine intolerable.

Having arrived to a house in a disgusting state, I figured I could spend the first week totally deep cleaning it, and that it would then be easy to maintain it at a reasonable standard. I was sadly, very wrong. The degree to which they simply do not careabout hygeine is amazing - I cleaned out the cupboards after the weekend yesterday and found pans put away with congealed pasta sauce and scrambled egg still in the bottom, and mugs with hardened pot noodle, again, put away in the cupboard as being 'clean'. Not only that, but over the weekend the dog had done a poo in the living room, and no-one had bothered cleaning it up. I do not see that as being part of my duties as it happened over the weekend and ignored it - a day later, it is still there. The idea of picking it up makes me gag, but so does the idea of leaving it there. I find myself doing much, much more work than I'd anticipated just to keep the house in a state that I can deal with, and end up spending around £30 a week on readymeals and eating out because I can't bring myself to eat off of their plates, some of which I know that the dog has eaten off and/or pee'd on. I originally brought my own plates from home, but they quickly got sucked into general circulation, and I don't trust that the dog isn't involved in that.

There are some other issues regarding the teenager's attitude towards me - swearing and calling me stupid and not being disciplined for it, as well as realising that the wage I'm paid is fairly exploititive, even for au-pairs but I think I could deal with that alone, as I like (most) of the family a lot. They just contributes to an overall picture in which I am deeply miserable, really.

Obviously I need to get out, my eating is suffering, my studies are suffering from lack of attention and my social life is suffering because I'm too embarrased to bring anyone to the house. The kicker, however, is that I adore the LO, so don't want to end things on bad terms. And of course, would rather I wasn't kicked out... My boss thinks the sun shines out of my a*se and will, I'm sure, give me a glowing reference if need be, but we agreed to 7 months as a starting point, so if I leave before then for another job, I need a good excuse. There is (stupidly?) no written contract or anything, but it seems courtesy to give at least a few weeks of notice. And I need to line up a new job, I think, before I think about giving notice...

Anyway, apologies for that rant, but I really would appreciate some ideas and/or advice on getting out of the job without upsetting the family too much. They really are lovely people for the most part, just too much for me to cope with.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
FourArms · 12/05/2009 14:27

OMG This doesn't sound real because it sounds so awful. Can you not go home?

JenniPenni · 12/05/2009 14:32

Really sorry to hear this Tell them there's been a family emergency and leave.

minderjinx · 12/05/2009 14:35

They don't sound at all lovely people. Can you make up an excuse to go home (Mum or Dad ill, Mum/Dad/sister/brother whatever missing you too much, deciding to change your course of study...)?

looneytune · 12/05/2009 14:36

Gosh, get out of there!!! Make any excuse and run!!!

fraught · 12/05/2009 14:38

Going home would provide my dear mother with vindication that this was a bad idea! I've dealt with it for several months, I guess I was hoping maybe I would rub off on them a bit... not sure why really... but I can deal with it a little longer - I think having the end in sight would make it more bearable!

I couldn't really claim a family emergency and then ask for a reference which is my worry with that option. I do enjoy the childcare aspect of it, and it'd be an awful lot easier to find another childcare job with a good reference from this one...

I appreciate that it does sound a little like I'm trolling, but I assure you that this isn't the case!

OP posts:
southeastastra · 12/05/2009 14:38

dog poo left on the carpet! that's awful with kids and everything , report them! (are they the osbournes?)

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/05/2009 14:38

they let a dog poo in their house and leave the poo in the living toom

i would say leave, they are messy and dont have any intention of cleaning up after theirselves

they may be lovely but think of your sanity

mumof2222222222222222boys · 12/05/2009 15:29

Read the terms and conditions of a standard AP contract - this is way beyond your call of duty. 25 hours for £70 - how much cleabubg are you doing? Our AP tidies the kitchen, unloads diswasher, hangs out washing, sorts childrens rooms, bit of hoovering....about 1.5 hours max a day.

I'd get out. They won't change.

Squiffy · 12/05/2009 15:45

Why not be honest? Say that you find it too difficult to adjust to living with a dog and findign he has messed on the carpets and plates and you're very sorry but you don't think you fit into a doggy home? You don't have to turn it into an issue about them.

Do they have a dishwasher? If they do then that could explain the stuff in the pans - my DH never checks things when he gets them out of the DW and puts them away.

And did the poo thing definately happen on the weekend or could it have happened on the Monday morning? I can just imagine them thinking you should pick it up because you were on duty when it 'happened' as far as they were concerned, thus leading to a stalemate. Saying that, I don't think any nanny or AP should ever be expected to clean up after a dog - did they ever say this was part of your duties?

How old are you, do you drive and do you need to be based in a certain area? Now is a very good time to start looking for soemthing else, people start thinking about summer and their kids starting school in September...

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/05/2009 15:55

nannys and ap shouldnt have to pick up poo

db does the shit shift before he goes to work but obv if they poo during the day say in garden, then i do need to clear it up or the kids will trample in it

atworknotworking · 12/05/2009 16:20

Blondes lol at the shit shift, but seriously I wouldn't call someone who lives like this "nice" it's obviously affecting your health, put it down to a bad experience, put an advert on Mums net if anyone had seen your OP I doubt they would worry about a reference from someone who lives like this and hand in your notice, it might be hard to go home and "be proved wrong" but it's gotta be better than living in these conditions, personally it me.

fraught · 12/05/2009 16:31

Squiffy - That sounds a really good idea actually, exactly the kind of excuse I was thinking of - and true, too, which is a bonus! The other one I thought of once I'd calmed down a bit after making this post was that I could claim my grandparents needed someone nearby. I may use a mixture of the two. Thank you to everyone who's posted, I was about 99% sure I wasn't being unreasonable and MN has confirmed that.

They do have a dishwasher, but I think I'm the only one who uses it! The quantities of stuff in the bottom of the pans meant they obviously hadn't been through the dishwasher, and the poo thing was definitely over the weekend - I noticed Sunday evening and assumed it would be cleaned up before I started work. Cleaning up after the dog was never one of my duties, but I do it when I'm 'on duty' because I can't stand working around it anyway. The dog is v. poorly trained and has indoor 'accidents' quite often...

Regarding the character of the people I work for, I do honestly like them as people, they're just incurably lazy. I'm sure if I met them outside of work I'd get on with them, and as I said, I adore LO and wouldn't want to leave on bad terms for her sake as much as anything.

Thanks again to everyone who has made suggestions/offered advice, I can't tell you how reassuring it is.

OP posts:
coolj · 12/05/2009 17:51

Feel really sorry for you. It looks to me that the family feel that they can officially be slobs because they have hired help.

They need a good kick up the a*. (The dog needs a cork up his too )

Get out into the normal world.

coolj · 12/05/2009 17:51

Feel really sorry for you. It looks to me that the family feel that they can officially be slobs because they have hired help.

They need a good kick up the a*. (The dog needs a cork up his too )

Get out into the normal world.

coolj · 12/05/2009 17:51

Feel really sorry for you. It looks to me that the family feel that they can officially be slobs because they have hired help.

They need a good kick up the a*. (The dog needs a cork up his too )

Get out into the normal world.

coolj · 12/05/2009 17:51

Feel really sorry for you. It looks to me that the family feel that they can officially be slobs because they have hired help.

They need a good kick up the a*. (The dog needs a cork up his too )

Get out into the normal world.

coolj · 12/05/2009 17:51

Feel really sorry for you. It looks to me that the family feel that they can officially be slobs because they have hired help.

They need a good kick up the a*. (The dog needs a cork up his too )

Get out into the normal world.

coolj · 12/05/2009 17:51

Feel really sorry for you. It looks to me that the family feel that they can officially be slobs because they have hired help.

They need a good kick up the a*. (The dog needs a cork up his too )

Get out into the normal world.

coolj · 12/05/2009 17:51

Feel really sorry for you. It looks to me that the family feel that they can officially be slobs because they have hired help.

They need a good kick up the a*. (The dog needs a cork up his too )

Get out into the normal world.

coolj · 12/05/2009 17:51

Feel really sorry for you. It looks to me that the family feel that they can officially be slobs because they have hired help.

They need a good kick up the a*. (The dog needs a cork up his too )

Get out into the normal world.

PaulaAtMummyKnowsBest · 12/05/2009 18:46

there is no way that you should have to put up with that sort of behaviour.

I would never have asked or expected any of my au pairs to clean up after my pets.

Hygeine is very important. I asked my last au pair to leave because her level of hygeine was way below mine and I couldn't live with it any longer.

Could you go home and say that your family need you?

kittywise · 12/05/2009 18:52

Yuk, poor you, that's pretty gross.

Our house gets very, very messy everyday though AND I spend all day tidying, but when we have au pairs they are not expected to clean the whole house, I have a cleaner for that.

I would say you had a family emergency.

We need an au pair btw!!!

Julesnobrain · 12/05/2009 23:55

That sounds disgusting you shouldn;t have to put up with that. There are plenty of families out there that would like an English Au Pair especially with summer coming up and they are nice families. I would look give them reasonable notice, look for a new job on AP world/ gumtree and if you have to, go visit Mum' for a wek. if you look on Gumtree you are sure to get something pretty quick.

fraught · 13/05/2009 13:33

Is there somewhere here to post classifieds? I don't seem to be able to find it...?

OP posts:
nannynick · 13/05/2009 13:53

What sort of classifieds? Parents looking to recruit a childcarer, find a childminder and Nannies looking for work are permitted to post an advert in this section. Title the message very clearly remembering to include location. Example Title: Nanny Looking For Work: London, SW14 area, from June 09

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