Is it normal for CMs to give advice on parenting to clients?

[mistressmel]

Hi! I have never written a thread before, so be gentle with me.....

My query is about a conversation that my CM asked to have with me yesterday in which she asked about how we discipline DS etc as she wanted to know we were doing similar things ie time outs etc.(seemed responsible - even though we had these discussions at the start contract over a year ago and I wouldn't have signed the contract if I didn't agree with her style...).

DS is 16.5 months and an only child (at the moment) and I have recently had to go back to work full time. DS has his Dad at home 2 days (shift pattern dependent) and me on weekends and CM approx 16-20 hrs per week. My CM is new - I was her first client and DS is her only boy (she has two DD and other female babies). The behaviour she was querying was stuff I thought was fairly normal for toddler boys - ie, starting to use body to get own way with toys etc. She seemed concerned that this would lead to him injuring one of the other kids (all smaller girls) and hence would reflect badly on her to the other parents. She also thought his behaviour was attention seeking (more than her girls) and that she didn't have time to pandered to this (which is fine with me - he has to learn).

I feel a bit weird after the conversation (1.5 hours) as I felt that I had been called to the headmaster's office and had my parenting style (and that of DH) brought into question. Do other CM have the same chats with parents? Any advice you would give me would be most welcome. I think I am very reasonable as a client and often change DS sleeping patterns to fit her day better (not always best for DS at the time...). But after a few of these 'parenting pointers' I am beginning to think she may be overstepping the role of CM into that of a social worker (her old job) and as I don't consider my family dysfunctional (yet) - I am slightly affronted.

Sorry for the long rambling post...

I have had chats with my childminder about dd's behaviour so that we could agree some shared strategies so that we could all be consistent. However, they have always been very open discussions, without either of us "giving advice" and so, I have never felt in the least judged or affronted.

Part of EYFS is 'working with parents' and she, clumsily, is trying to ensure that you and she use similar techniques to manage bahaviour, support development and encourage social skills.

My only concern would be that 16 months is v young to be using timeouts when distracion and physically moving the child are more age-appropriate.

HTH

Chances are that your CM has probably had loads of literature from Ofsted/other courses she's attended and is putting the advice into practice in quite a literal way. Sounds like she's just trying to do the right thing, but hasn't got the experience to do it in a more informal chilled out way. I discuss my dd's behaviour/eating/likes/dislikes etc all the time w my CM (who's got 13 years experience) but we do it in passing interspersed amongst normal conversation, and it's very much a two way process between two people who just want the best for dd.

I'm a cm and agree that 16mths is too young to use time out. I do chat with my parents about behaviour - and they do the same with me, but I 'suggest' possible solutions and would never dream of questioning anyones parenting techniques. Parents are the most important people in a child's life and noone knows the child better than they do - no matter how many hours a week I look after the child.

'Working in partnership with parents' is a huge part of EYFS now and it could be she's trying a little too hard to make sure she does that - being a cm is way different to being a social worker and she needs to 'hone' her technique a little by the sounds of it.

You must discuss this with her - I would be mortified if I thought I had upset any of my parents and they didn't feel comfortable enough to broach it with me. It's a 2-way relationship and you both have to feel able to raise concerns. It could also be that she's sitting there wondering if she approached the subject in the right way....... Easy to get it wrong when you're new to a job . Tact and diplomacy aren't inbuilt, they come with experience - and both are very important when you're a cm. BTW - I also know that to be true as a parent who has used cms in the past.

Thanks for all your quick replies! As you say - it just looks like an inexperienced approach (she said she felt uncomfortable at the time). We have a good relationship normally but as I am working long hours, I just haven't had the time to sit and chat over a cuppa like I used to (and I know OFSTED are getting a bit silly with all the regulations on CMs now!). But I do think she needs to let go of the dream of never having an incident between mindees that results in minor injuries! (I am an Aussie, so it may be different here - to me, bumps and scratches from kids shoving each other are part of growing up)

I think I will schedule in a long visit once a month for a progress report to keep on top of any issues!!

Thanks for the advice!!

An hour and a half!!

Sometimes I will discuss behaviour with parents, but in a two way casual style of conversation as someone else mentioned. It does sound to me as though she went at it as a social worker would.

It won't reflect badly on her if a mindee gives another a minor injury - not unlss other mindee's parents are nuerotic anyway!

Just a thought but if you want to schedule chats in withcm, do it half hour before you usually drop off rather than at the end of the day so it keeps to half hour.

Tbh i would be grateful if a CM spent long time to talk about my DC and how to work well together as a team.

Hi as a CM Working With Parents is a huge part of the job, sometimes we need to raise issues that are sensitive but their are ways and means of doing it so that everyone feels comfortable like Underpaid says we need a lot of tact (maybe their should be a course on that to - - maybee their is - anyway just wondered if your cm has made any mention of behaviour before in day book etc would have thought if the issue was worthy of 1.5 hr chat must be quite a concern to her, could be that if she hasn't mentioned it before she might have been bottling it up and perhaps it came out wrong, she might realise this too share your feelings with her, we all appreciate feedback and it might clear your head a little so you can begin on a level ground and tackle the issue (if their is one) together.

atwork - don't you dare suggest any more courses for cms

1.5 hours seems extreme, we have 5 minute chats, if that.

Thanks for all your advice - can't do morning chats, SammyK, due to my 1 hr commute (and I would like to start off even earlier so I get more time with DS before bed but CM refuses to do earlier than 7.30am - even though I offered to pay her £10 extra for the 30 mins! But it's her life and it is a long day for her, so I see her point of view)

I had time as I was picking up DS 1 hour early - so, I paid her for the chat! I think the thing that upset me most that it was all negative - no praise of his good points (which out-weigh the bad ones) and when I questioned her about her lack of experience with baby boys, she compared her experience with teenage boys on parole as enough to understand all boys. She is pregnant now and I hope she has a boy so she can see the differences first hand!

Teenage boys on parole are nowt like baby boys and toddlers!!! She hasn't yet moved on and made the transition from social worker to cm by the sound of it!! . Yup, she's in for a big shock if she has a boy herself .

Grrrr - I can't stand all this 'oh it's because he's a boy' stuff, especially at only 16 months old.

I've seen loads of girls act in just the same way as your son does, it's not just a boy thing and it's unprofessional of her to label it as such.

Rant over - not particulaly relevent, sorry

Ditto Jojay !

OP, to be honest your last post seems to me a bit bitter. Explanation mark for not wanting to start before 7.30. the phrase 'i paid her for the chat'. Well, still if she was lazy cm and didnt care she would prefer you to just collect your son and go?

And you qestioned her about 'luck of experience with boys' and wishing her to have a boy? What the hell?

Instead of being happy that you have a cm who is keen on communication you are making all this fuss, being defensive and bitter

OP isn't being defensive and bitter she is asking for advice and that is what we have been doing! Mistress, keep posting - some of us are here to help, as cms and parents

Sorry - MOST of us

Thanks for your support UPOW!

I was a little taken aback by the non-constructive post by LaQuitar (I would have posted on AIBU if I wanted judgements on my punctutaion and person...)

But I do have a good and communicative relationship with my CM - it is just the first time someone (with the power to report you to Social Services) questions you on your parenting style, you begin to worry!

I think I still had that (maybe naive?) 'parent knows best' notion (supported by books, MN etc) which is probably true of SAHMs but when you share primary care responsibilities with a CM, it really is a partnership as many of the constructive posts pointed out. I am happy to 'widen the circle' of who knows best for my child to include my CM. Sadly for me (but good for her), due to her pregnancy, I will be losing her for at least 6 months soon - so will have to strike up a new 'partnership' with a new CM - at least I now know what to expect.

Thank you (almost) all again for the good advice on CM-Parent relationships - it has been a learning experience which I am sure will help me be a better client for my CM.

La Quitar - you could be an Aussie with that level of sarcasm.

If you read my original post, I was asking for advice on what was normal in discussions between CMs and parents. Many of the early posters replied that yes, what I experienced was normal and now an important part of the new early years foundation marlarkey. So, I have resolved not to be so touchy the next time and make sure I make time for these chats once a month.

Again, if you read my posts carefully, you may have picked up my gratitude for the advice I was given. I at no point asked for opinions about my personality or my style of punctuation. I only commented on UPOW's support after your rather personal attack. I didn't need support for dealing with my CM as I now know what she was doing was prescribed by OFSTED.

I think you may be confusing me with some of the other users of MN who need support to do things like challenge their neighbour's use of non-ecological washing powder.....(yes, it's a real post!)

Please refrain from making anymore personal attacks.

I'm with UPOW!

Also, I've had girls and boys who both use their body etc. so if this cm thinks no little shoves or whatever are going to happen with the girls then I'm quite surprised with her lack of experience with this age. I did once have to have words with a parent about her 18 month old ds and then had to give notice which was a shame but he wasn't just doing the usual, he was actually quite dangerous (he regularly watched wrestling on tv and would knock kids off their feet by ramming their legs with his head!!).

I'm still in shock at the 1 and half hour chat . I regularly chat to parents about little behaviour issues but nothing major, just check we agree on how to proceed and they are usually 5 mins chats. Even my problem with the wrestling toddler wasn't any more than say 20 mins!!!

I agree about the not wanting to start before 7.30am remark. I am flexible but have learnt to only say yes if I WANT to. I used to start at 6.45am and finish at 6.30pm and with all the other stuff to do after I'd finished work, well, it just got too much so now I'm pleased my earliest start is 7.30.

I don't think you deserved to be attacked like you did, keep posting if you have any other questions

looney
if you read back the op you will see that the comment re boys was not from the cm but from op.
Thats my point.

As for the comment re Aussies....well what can i say? (and i m not even Aussie )

Suppose it depends on what was actually said then. If the cm did say something that suggested it was because he was a boy then she's wrong but if none of that was said then I agree that the sex makes no difference at this age. It's just the impression I got from OP.....that the cm seemed to think it wasn't right for a 16 month old to use their body etc. to get what they want. Gosh, I currently have a 16 month old (tiny mindee - same size as my 10 month old baby), a 24 month old and a 26 month old who come on the same days 2/3 times a week and they ALL snatch, pull, pinch, push etc etc. to get what they want (and the little 16 month old can give as good as she gets from the very big 26 month old! ) and they are all girls.

I still don't think an hour an half chat was necessary and to make her feel bad with her parenting etc. was uncalled for unless he's doing other things that are much more dangerous (like my one did).

I must say I agree the Aussie comment should have been left

you have a full house lol

no from the op seems that the cm didnt mentioned this but op thinks that baby boys are different to baby girls . And wished the cm to have a boy. So that made me a bit

at your ex mindee watching wrestling btw

'I am an Aussie, so it may be different here'

(copied from my 2nd post)

Sarcasm is often seen as the highest form of wit to an Australian (like myself). No racial overtones intended....

Just looks like another case of people not reading the entire Thread before posting