Tough situation, need some advice

[mananny]

Ok so I work p/t for a family that I love, that I have been with for over 3 years. I'm also at uni here, which is bloody expensive to say the least. I've heard about a fab job also here in the US, visa provided, great money, interesting specs, and the agency are putting me forward. I'm not job hunting really, just this particular opportunity would be really amazing. I asked my MB to provide a ref and now she's gone all weird and defensive and non-communicative with me. I have assured her that I am not thinking of upping and leaving, I am just testing the water. I might not even be considered for an interview with this other opportunity. I love the family, but now I am freaking out that even in asking for a ref some damage has been done. MB is very dependent on me and I am uncomfortable with her reaction to my asking for a ref. I'm such a peacemaker by nature I am tempted to can it all and stay here all cozy in my comfort zone. But this other opportunity is offering not just an amazing experience, but it would be a challenge and that's what I need now I feel like, as I have stayed in my comfort zone for too long.

Someone please kick me up the ass and tell me that I am not responsible for keeping my lovely but over-dependent boss happy!!!! It's hard enough to think about leaving my charges, but that's a part and parcel of any nanny job. I don't want the added emotional pressure of keeping the parents happy too!

My initial reaction to this is not to be surprised that your current boss is not very happy. You've now left her thinking that you may soon be leaving - 'testing the water' is not something you would do if you weren't thinking about leaving. You yourself have said that "this other opportunity is offering not just an amazing experience, but it would be a challenge and that's what I need now I feel like, as I have stayed in my comfort zone for too long." So if you were offered this job, you would take it.

Maybe you are not responsible for keeping your boss happy but you are responsible for making her unhappy. You say it is hard thinking of leaving your charges but think of how she feels about her children. She is naturally upset to be losing a good nanny and thinking of her children and the upheaval they and her will have. All nannies move on eventually, but to tell her you may move on and quite soon will have left her wondering why you are not happy in your job.

Turn it round and think about how you would feel if she said "You've been here a while now so we are thinking about asking you to leave so we can get some fresh blood in!"

Why would you be testing the water if you were not thinking of leaving? If you were not thinking of leaving you wouldn't be asking to be put forward for jobs.

I don't blame her for not being happy really.

I think you have every right to test the water. But I would never give a current boss' name as a reference unless I had a firm job offer and was planning to accept it. I really would think you would have seen this coming.

I guess you should take it as a compliment that she is unhappy about the prospect of losing you. But, you have been very silly because if she happens to run arosss another nanny she likes she just might grab the opportunity now that she knows you are probably on your way out... or at least considering it.

I work only one day a week for them and have done for a few months now, so I feel like they don't "need" me as much as they used to. I do work p/t for a couple of other families here and there too. MB doesn't work, so I am not an essential component of their lives any more IYSWIM. I adore my charges, but I feel more like an Aunt to them than a Nanny at this point. I basically get paid to spoil them rotten one day a week. I'm a bit like Mary Poppins, the children don't need me as such, but we all love each other and it's wonderful to be a part of their lives as they grow up.

I hate this side of nannying, it all gets so emotional. I don't want to hurt anyone. But at the same time I don't want to miss out on something for the sake of not wanting to hurt someone. Ugh.

Well they all sound like perfectly good reasons to be thinking about leaving, but I think claiming you're not thinking about it isn't really accurate, and I agree with AN that asking your current boss for reference before you've even got an interview let alone an offer, is going to result in this.

Your last post makes more sense of the fact that you are looking at other jobs.

But I still think it was unwise to ask for the reference. Your boss was bound to be left feeling unsure of the situation and upset by it.

The thing is I am not looking at lots of other jobs. Just this one specific job. And the agency wanted a current ref to give the family as it's a high profile position and the family apparently want all refs and background checks etc done prior to interview. I can't say much more than that. So I either totally ignored this opportunity or dug myself into this hole. I obviously chose to dig.

I don't want to leave unless it would be to go to something spectacularly different. I am happy enough here to toodle along til I am finished at uni. I am not challenged in any way here, but on the whole I lead a very comfortable life and have no desire to go through the whole job hunt thing. But this opportunity is so different and so unique I felt it was worth a shot.

There really was no right way to deal with this particular situation perhaps.

Rather silly to ask current MB for a reference! You have taken away her security now and tbh kinda destroyed the relationship as she now feels you don't want to be there and the trust is gone! Don't be too surprised if she doesn't find a replacement for you now.

I always give all old references to future employers. I also add that on a job offer then I will pass on current details for a reference. Otherwise I won't do it. Not worth rocking the boat imo for a purely 'potential' job no matter how good it seems.

No, you are "not responsible for keeping my lovely but over-dependent boss happy" but you are responsible for her feeling crap right now.

If you were tuly happy in your job you wouldn't entertain being put forward for another job.

If you were my nanny I would give you a reference, and your notice.

Thanks Nabster

I feel like total crap now for taking a chance at something, and there was no other way to have done it so I'm the bad guy whatever happens.

I could not have pursued this one single unique opportunity without asking for a reference, and I am not looking at any other jobs at all.

What was the advice you wanted?

I can't see that we could say anything other than what we did tbh.

I know, I'm just sad Nabster as I am now in a situation of my own making, which is frustrating. It's not like I really truly set out to look for other jobs. This specific one came to me via an agency I have been with for several years and they thought I would be perfect for it, despite the fact they know my current situation re work and uni. It sounds amazing and so I wanted to go for it, as it is so unique and nothing like any other nanny job I have had before or seen before. In order to do this I had to get current refs and stuff and that's what has got me in this mess. There was no other way around it and so I have to deal with it.

Talk to your boss, give her the opportunity to give you notice, and if she doens't, then agree to move on and talk to each other if anything else comes up again in the future.

I do understand the dilemmas with nanny jobs. I was hurt when my bosses waited until they absolutely had to give me notice and then I found out they knew much sooner and I felt it was because they didn't want to run the risk that I would leave before it suited them. I never wanted to leave in the first place so was hurt they didn't give me the chance to show how committed I was iyswim.

It's hard to balance out a need to remain committed and loyal to your current family, with the need to explore further opportunities. I am committed to my current family, I love them to bits. But at the same time I need to see where this opportunity could take me. I wish I could say more about it, as it would make it clearer as to why I am so keen to pursue it despite being happy where I am.

I have said to the agency that I require at least 8 weeks notice should I be offered the job. That's the very least notice I feel I owe my current family. And as they don't strictly need a nanny now, I am not sure they would replace me. I am kept on to spoil the children and give MB a midweek break. Once they are at school again after the summer, my time with them will purely be for fun rather than actual work IYSWIM? I feel more like family than an employee which actually makes it harder to deal with the fact I have upset MB. I feel guilty getting paid, as I have such a lovely time with the kids and it's no longer a "job" as such.

If this opportunity comes to nothing I want to just move on. I'm not looking elsewhere. My grass is perfectly green where I am.

Saw your post earlier and winced, but seeing that you only work one day a week for her makes a lot of difference, I think. You might have spoken to your boss a little more tactfully, but to ask her if she would be prepared to offer you a reference as a dream opportunity to work overseas has come up is not unrealistic. A good employer should expect employees to move on. You are not hers forever!

Have a chat with her. Explain that this was a chance to do something different and that you aren't sure that you would take it anyway. Apologise that you didn't discuss it with her first and reassure her that you are not planning to move on, unless you feel that the atmosphere has now been spoilt by this. Then let her be grown up enough (or not) to remember that these things happen.

Now that you've further explained your position and how this other potential job came about it sounds a lot more reasonable. You would have been better to have had a discussion with your current boss re the work situation you are in with her now and about a fantastic opportunity that may be coming your way and it being a good progression etc etc.

Now you need to do a damage limitation exercise. Apologise to your current boss for the way you have gone about the situation, tell her how much you love the kids but that you feel the job is coming to a natural end (ie not really needed any more) and expain about the current reference needed and why.

I understand why you did it and if you felt you had no choice then fair enough but it is why you are in the situation you are in now. I'm happy in my job and will stay as long as possible BUT I am not 100% happy. If I see a job that I feel I could be 100% happy in then you bet I will move I will not tell current family as I see no point. If I get a job I will tell them and if not then tbh it is better they don't know.

All you can do now is maybe explain the situation to current MB and hope she will understand too. I guess by not explaining properly and asking out of the blue for a reference prob hurt more than if she had of known through a conversation why you wanted it.

I also don't think the agency are being very helpful either. If you have past references then why would they ask you to risk your current jobs just for an interview?

It also annoys me that because they are a 'high profile' family then you should act differently. I think agencies should be just as thorough at vetting nannies and checking references wether they are high profile parents or not. At the end of the day it is still children to be looked after and one deserves as much a good and safe and kind nanny as the other!

don't beat yourself up about it! It's a job - like any other - she doesn't own you, yes, you feel loyalty towards her and you are fond of the children you care for but realisticly you can not be expected to stay in a job forever - particularly as the mother doesn't work and you only do one day a week! Apologise to her for it being a shock if you feel the need but really, I wouldn't worry about it - if she gives you notice, that's her loss.

you could have been more tactful and said you were interested in this position BEFORE you asked for a ref - but too late now

never ask a mb for a ref until you have a firm offer from another job

I feel the agency involved is at fault here. They should have been telling their client that you were well known to them and that you are currently in a job and thus are unable to provide a reference for that particular job until such point that there is a formal job offer on the table.
Recruitment consultants in my view are used to this situation... particularly if they are 'head hunting'.

Don't suppose any Mumsnetter reading this works for a headhunter recruiting company? If you do... how do headhunters obtain references in this kind of situation - would they be wanting a reference from the current employer prior to even interviewing that candidate?

mananny - I agree with the others that you were wrong to ask your current boss for a reference at this stage in the proceedings. However, I am wondering how much pressure was put on you by the agency, who I feel should not have insisted on having that reference at this early stage.

A lot of pressure was put on me for a current ref, and the reason given was that the position is for a very high profile family that want all my details/refs/etc prior to interview. It's not how I have done things before, but then it's not a type of position that I've ever looked at before and the fact the agency did in effect "headhunt" me for it I just did what they said, trusting that they were in the right.

Have received further details and Holy Mackerel is all I can say. Can't even tell my Mum who it is yet. If (and it's a big If) I like this family, and get offered the position, it's going to be incredible. Hard work but incredible.

Posh and Becks?!
You have to do what's right for you. MB may well have decided in a few weeks that you're no longer required and given you notice, and one day a week isn't really here or there.
Good luck,

Sally x x

Madonna???

Brad and Angelina???

Tom and Katie????