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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

friends new nanny always on the phone.. should i say something?

29 replies

chainstitch · 14/03/2009 14:57

i'd like some opinions please. including, if appropriate, that it is none of my business, and i should butt out.
the children are in my childresn school, and i am friends/acquaintances with their mother. but was and still am good friends with their nanny, who has just finished working with them. the new nanny has now been working with them for three weeks, and i have noticed that she is always on the phone. they walk a lot, and the entire walk, she seems to be chattingon the phone, rather than to the three year old walking paitentlybeside her, holidng onto th e buggy.
also,i have noticed that on the walk back, all three kids seem to be running at least a mile in front of her, including the three year old.
my friend, their old nanny would not have done this. am i feeling excessive loyalty to my friend. or is this innapropriate? should i say something to the kdis mom? or keep my mouth shut, and mind my own business?

OP posts:

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Nabster · 14/03/2009 15:22

A mile in front?

What would your reason for telling the mother?

CrushWithEyeliner · 14/03/2009 15:26

I would find it v hard not to say something but be careful - she may get offended you are undermining her choice of Nanny. YOu have to chose your words quite carefully on this one but I would want to know this info if it were me.

FlorenceofArabia · 14/03/2009 15:26

Why did your friend stop working for them?

Original poster

chainstitch · 14/03/2009 18:06

not quite a mile of course, but far enough away, that if the three year old ran off into the road, there would be nothing she could do about it.

crush, i dont know what to say, which is why i am hoping someone else can tell me how.

my friend stopped working with them because it became too stressful for her after teh mom changed her parenting style after reading the book about unconditional parenting, in relation to the older two children.

OP posts:

willowthewispa · 14/03/2009 18:18

Well, maybe the nanny sees the school run as her only break/quiet time during the day and uses the opportunity to make some phonecalls? It's not the end of the world if the 3 year old isn't chatted too I suppose - and at 3 I'm sure she can complain to her mother if she's bored. As it isn't an issue of safety, just not the way you/your friend would do it, I probably wouldn't mention it.

As for letting the children walk out of reach - it would depend how far and whether you think they are being neglected or endangered. Maybe you could mention it to the nanny first - say something in passing about how your child would bolt into the road etc. If nothing changes and you feel her care is inadequate, I would say something to the mum.

stitchtime · 14/03/2009 18:30

okie
thanks

GaribaldiGirl · 14/03/2009 19:43

i think you should tell the mum now. imagine how you'd feel if something happened to the 3 year old while the nanny was 'on the phone'. surely a 3 year old needs it's hand held always when walking near the road? maybe the mum hasn't pointed this out to the nanny and should just make it clear, but i think she should know what's going on. if it was me i'd want to know and i'd get rid of the nanny immediately because she either isn't that concerned about the children or is a bit stupid.

AtheneNoctua · 16/03/2009 11:53

I can't believe how many people are defending the nanny here. Tell that mum now. If you were my friend, and you knew this about my nanny and didn't tell me, I would be rather uspet with you.

For the sake of your friendship, and for the sake of the welfare of the kids. talk to your friend. If she reacts like she doesn't want to hear it and it's none of your business then back off and know that you tried. If she says "Oh gosh, I had no idea. Thanks for telling me." then you know you did the right thing. My DS is 3 (4 in May) and he needs to be closer to me than he is to the road at all times.

MargotBeauregarde · 16/03/2009 11:57

I'd say something to the new nanny.

Gosh, shall I hold the phone for you while you catch up with them!?

I wouldn't want my 3 yr old more than 10 ft ahead of me tbh, it'd give me a heart attack. She sounds too relaxed.

thebody · 16/03/2009 11:58

whats the changing of parenting style, whats unconditional parenting when its at home...

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/03/2009 12:32

i would say something to the nanny first - something casually like

you are mad brave to let 3yr so far in front - mine would be in the road

( well actually my 3yr wouldnt be in the road - he KNOWS to stop at kerbs - but thats beacuse he has been taught)

assume children are on a pavement and not a road? if a road, we hold hands ALL the time or hold buggy - if pavement then they can walk in front of me, but no running (as if they did trip they COULD fall into the road)

if children still run off in front,next day then I would mention to the mum

agree being on the phone she isnt concentrating 100% - i normally chat in the car going to school/nursery as all on bluetooth

tomwill · 16/03/2009 12:40

Sounds like this nanny is indifferant to the kiddies in her charge. You should def tell the Mum - nanny is paid to be with them in mind and well as body!

ChopsTheDuck · 16/03/2009 12:41

Does the mum let the 3yo run ahead when she is with them?
My three year olds sometimes go quite far ahead, and I've had comments about it. But, they actually have more road sense than either of my older two. They would NEVER leave the path not even if a toy fell in the road.
I can't say they'd want to chat to me neither, far too busy racing each other, and doing their own thing.
It really depends on the child as to whether he needs more supervision/interation.

AtheneNoctua · 16/03/2009 13:13

I would tell the mum, not the nanny, because you are the mum's friend and nanny will wonder who you think you are since she doesn't work for you. The mum NEEDS to know. I had a neglectful nanny once. After she left a few people came forward and told me what they had observed. And I was dumbfounded that none of these people who brought this to my attention while she was still looking after my toddler. None of these people knew me very well. If one of them had been someone I considered a friend, I'd have been a bit more than dumbfounded.

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/03/2009 13:46

sounds to me that the OP was friends first with the nanny (who left) and then met/knew the mum

yes she is a friend, and guess if i were a mum, i would be bloody annoyed if no one told me that my nanny was doing xxxx and my child could be in danger

chainstich - did the children never run in front with the old nanny (your friend) or is the problem more than she is on the phone?

thebody · 16/03/2009 19:59

sorry again WHAT IS UNCONDITIONAL PARENTING?

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/03/2009 20:07

thebody - from what i gather - it is allowing children to be/do what they like rather then give them guidleines/tell them off etc

they learn from thei own mistakes, ie if they dont wear a coat they will get cold/wet, if they dont go to bed they will get tired

though if i have got this wrong,sure someone will put me right

i think it is a completly nutty way of parenting - but each to their own, and sure there must be some MN mums who do this

book is by alfie kohn interview here

flowerybeanbag · 16/03/2009 20:09

Agree with AN. If I had a friend/acquaintance who saw my nanny constantly on the phone while DS was running ahead next to the road I would be most upset if they didn't tell me about it. It would then be up to me to speak to the nanny and work out to what extent there is or isn't a problem and deal with it.

smallorange · 16/03/2009 20:15

Yes I think unconditional parenting is letting them do whatever they like. V. stressful for a nanny I think.

smallorange · 16/03/2009 20:16

Maybe she's been told to let them run ahead - unconditional nannying?

AtheneNoctua · 16/03/2009 20:47

That sounds like neglectful parenting.

BirdyArms · 16/03/2009 20:51

Tell the mother, much better than having it on your conscience. I think that the nanny is much more likely to take note when the mother tells her not to do this than if you told her.

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/03/2009 07:32

athene - couldnt agree more but I thought if I wrote that, I would get flamed!!

thought my reply was much more netrual!!

good point orange - guess if the children got run over, they have learnt their lesson

AtheneNoctua · 17/03/2009 10:25

chicken. bok bok bok

thebody · 17/03/2009 12:52

Thanks Blonds, what a ridiculous load of crock.
Being a a parent is about guiding and teaching your kids, not let them take the lead.
Well we all know what that means to society when those little darlings are teenagers....Its the 'I want to do it and sod evetyone else' mentality.
How cruel to the children, all kids like boundaries and to know that you, as the adult, are in charge.
Of course its called'unconditional pareting' when you are middle class, if you are a chav its known as neglect, and social services would be knocking on your door...

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