please help - so worried about DS's relationship with wonderful nanny

[kissmummy]

we have an absolutely fantastic nanny for our DS 19 months who is everything we could dream of - she has been with us about nine months now and we love her to bits. But i am worried my DS is getting too attached to her and she may be starting to "replace" my role This hasn't been an issue before but is now really worrying and upsetting me.
She has just been on holiday for us for 7 days during which she looked after him for most of each day, so has spent an unusual amount of time with him - normally she works 3.5 days a week - and this seems to have brought the problem to a head. I rushed home from work today to do his bath and bedtime routine, so looking forward to seeing him, and he didn't seem that interested to see me and went into a complete meltdown when our nanny left I've never witnessed him having such a tantrum and i'm feeling very shaken.
obviously this situation is my "fault" for not spending more time with him (i work full time, not by choice) but blame issues aside, now what? does it matter? should i just get over it? is there anything i can do about it other than try and go part time? i can't criticise my nanny in any shape or form - it's almost like she's too good at the job.
has anyone had any similar experiences?

I'm a childminder and most kids I look after or have looked after have some kind of tantrum or run away from their parents at pick up time. It really isn't because they want to stay with me instead, it's just that kids (especially at this age) do play up for their parents!!! They all tend to listen to me more and would never behave like that for me.....HOWEVER..........my ds1 is a nightmare for us and fine with everyone else most of the time

Kids are kids, please don't beat yourself up over it as I'm sure it doesn't mean anything. Just let the routine return to normal and I'm sure your ds will settle down again and maybe have a nice family only holiday when you can.

So sorry about your MCs I've only been through one once but I know how much that affected me so lots of {{{hugs}}} coming your way x

I think LadyG has summed it up perfectly.

echo what ladyg has said - plus don't underestimate how shaky you're feeling if you've had 3 mc in last year - its probably going to make any reaction that appears to mean your ds is off you (and appear is all it is ) much worse.

kissmummy - IMO dcs need deep and firm attachments to their carers - and as painful as it is to see his attachment to his nanny is a sign of his emotional development and strength.

I'm sure he is also attached very firmly to you and his dad but you don't get to see that from the outside so it's not so obvious.

I have known parents who decided to put their dcs in nursery when this happened but IMO that is a really bad reason to change very successful child care arrangements.

What you have described is what many dads (or mums) experience when dcs are small and with their mums all the time - and most families survive that!

as others have said - your ds is obviously happy being looked after by your nanny

all children have their little strops, esp if tired

it doesnt mean that he loves his nanny more than you, just that he is tired and at his age only real way of showing it is to cry, throw on floor etc

this is a good point to remember, your child can love more than one person - he loves you, you are his mummy and NOTHING will chnage this BUT he also loves his nanny

and arent you glad he does - she looks after and cares and plays for him 3.5 days of his week

sorry to hear about your 3 mc's

and fwiw i think you did nothing wrong with taking your nanny on holiday with you

you may be parents but you are still husband and wife and need ME time

some parents leave children at home and go on holiday - again nothing is wrong with this

its what works for the parents

Argh, have been sitting on my hands for the last hour about Blondes post.

This isn't so much to do with the OP she has had some good advice and perhaps tiredness was a factor with her DC having the tantrum.

But I just feel its a bit rich saying that parents need ME time. I agree that most of us want ME time, I'm lucky enough to have parents that will look after DS occasionally overnight, but what about those with no support network or ability to pay for additional care.

I also feel that whilst I don't disagree in principal that if a once in a lifetime opportunity came up for a child free holiday, say I won a competition or something, then we would probably go for a week, but to say there is nothing wrong about going on holiday without your children, well if its every holiday, then actually no it shouldn't just be about the parents, surely the children have their own needs for ME time with their parents and to suggest otherwise is unfair on them.

I don't think Blondes is suggesting it's okay for parents to go on holiday everytime without the children. If you're lucky enough to be able to afford a nanny or you have Grandparents willing and able to look after your children then surely a weekend away once in a while is fine. Better the nanny looking after them than perhaps sticking them in holiday club or ski school ( tho nothing wrong with these options either!) or having them whinging when you try and drag them round a museum.

In all my nanny jobs I've either been left at home with the children or gone on holiday with them. I do actually find it a bit sad that none of my families have ever just had a family holiday. ie. Without me. I guess it's lovely that I've always been considered 'part of the family' and the parents trust me implicitily if they go away and leave the children.

I did work for one family who went on a safari for 2 weeks and the baby did cry when the Mum came back but she was only 4mths old and 2 weeks was a huge stretch for a baby without any contact with her mother.

The op sounds like a loving, caring mother who has a lovely nanny. I'm sure everything will be fine.

I wouldn't worry. My ds did the same when my mum came on holiday with us at that age. He is 4.5 and still does to some extent. He has always known I'm his mummy and I went back to work full time leaving him with a childminder from 10 months of age, 7am to 6.30pm four days a week. It is a temporary blip and if he was crying for your mum rather than your nanny I doubt you'd be concerned.

You sound like you were in need of a holiday. I am sure your ds had a fab time in the snow and personally I wouldn't worry about it. He will soon get used to the resumption of his normal routine.

when a bit older than this, my dd started crying every time i picked her up from nuresery. she also starting crying when i dropped her off, but both times was fine within 2 minutes (literally, no tears after the seat belt was done up)

i think it's partly development, they realise that they're going through a 'transition' in their routine, and react to it. once the next part of the day has started, they are ok again.

also, no nanny will give a lifetime of affection and care, no matter how great they are, which is the same as a mother's. i'm not saying nanny's don't love their charges, but they aren't there through their entire lives, i doubt your nanny will be at their wedding, or looking after their kids etc, so this is a short-term 'problem'.

rookiemater - what have i started?

tbh when i replied, i felt sorry for the OP, the first replies i read were i thought a bit mean in regards to her taking her nanny on holiday with her

she did what she thought was best, she could have left him at home for a week (again this is not wrong and in the past 2months I have complete care for 5 days while parents went away skiing)

but instead she took him and nanny with her, admitley skiing 10-4 does seem a bit ott,as then the OP only really had 2/3hrs together which would involve tea,bath and bed

but i dont really the see difference in doing this or working all day, and then coming home to do tea,bath and bed

obv not everyone has got relatives/can afford a nanny to go away for a weekend/holiday or take them with them

the famillies that i do work with who go away for a child free holiday, then always have a family holiday - well actually they normaly go away another 2/3times with their children

as ladyg said in no 5 - toddlers are not always fun on holidays, and not pratical if you want to chill and burn bake in the sun or go skiing

i find ebbs comment sad, that the family never go away with just them and their children

I am a CM and most of the children I have looked after have gone through phases of calling me Mummy, or crying when their parents come to pick them up. It is just a phase. They love their parents and wouldn't swap them for the world. Glad you have such a great nanny.

OP you need to stop beating yourself up about the nanny relationship. Half your stress is because of misplaced guilt.

Everyone has already said that it is good that your DS has this kind of rekationship with the nanny and I agree.

It's fine to have 'me' time but you have to organise yourself so that you carve the 'me' time out of your work hours, and not out of the hours you should be with DS. Holidays should be sacrosanct and child-centric even if centerparcs and aquariums drive you as bonkers as they do me (and all of us I guess). One day I will ski again and go diving, but not for many years because camping and crap resorts are better for the kids. Just put the kit in the loft and forget about it.

Rushing home for bedtimes - well done. You are doing better than me.

Spend some time durign your work hours organisign activities for the weekend. It is v easy to spend the whole weekend catchign up on chores but that doesn't make it nice for your DS and doesn't relax you either. Start scheduling a regular trip to soft play or swimming or trip to zoo, or whatever, every single weekend - DS will soon pick up that weekends = mummy time = fun. And perversely when you start doing this you start having a relaxing weekend yourself.

Your DS is far far more robust than you give him credit for, and your guilt is the problem - not his love for his nanny.

Most of my after school children call me miss after a day in school
be gald someone loves your child so much as i have heard horrible stories
maybe have a nice bonding weekend this weekend

just to reiterate - be happy indeed that you found someone your DS loves so much - how much easier that must make going to work!

However I do not wish to berate you for your choice of holiday - recurrent MCs is horrendous and takes hellish toll on you so if skiing was what you needed then you had every right to take it.

Its usually the transition betweens carers that they dont like.i.e transitioning from nanny to you.Its a stage they all go through.
I wouldnt beat yourself up over it,I doubt it has anything to do with the holiday,its just a coincidence.