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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

please help - so worried about DS's relationship with wonderful nanny

40 replies

kissmummy · 05/03/2009 20:07

we have an absolutely fantastic nanny for our DS 19 months who is everything we could dream of - she has been with us about nine months now and we love her to bits. But i am worried my DS is getting too attached to her and she may be starting to "replace" my role This hasn't been an issue before but is now really worrying and upsetting me.
She has just been on holiday for us for 7 days during which she looked after him for most of each day, so has spent an unusual amount of time with him - normally she works 3.5 days a week - and this seems to have brought the problem to a head. I rushed home from work today to do his bath and bedtime routine, so looking forward to seeing him, and he didn't seem that interested to see me and went into a complete meltdown when our nanny left I've never witnessed him having such a tantrum and i'm feeling very shaken.
obviously this situation is my "fault" for not spending more time with him (i work full time, not by choice) but blame issues aside, now what? does it matter? should i just get over it? is there anything i can do about it other than try and go part time? i can't criticise my nanny in any shape or form - it's almost like she's too good at the job.
has anyone had any similar experiences?

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katieloveskitty · 05/03/2009 20:15

Why did she spend most of her time with him on your holiday?

kylesmyloveheart · 05/03/2009 20:18

hi - feel for you as this must must be horrible.

did she have to go on holiday with you? he might be getting confused as she was been there constantly for the 7 days. holidays might have been better without her and then you could have spent the whole time doing everything for him.

Original poster

kissmummy · 05/03/2009 20:18

because it was a skiing holiday- sadly 18 month old kids can't ski! obviously we were with him all the time except when we were on the slopes.

OP posts:

Original poster

kissmummy · 05/03/2009 20:20

kyles, yes, i'm now wondering about that. as i just mentioned the reason we took her was because it was a skiing holiday. we went because i've just had my third miscarriage in eight months and we really, really needed a break and thought the fresh air and sport would give us a bit of a pick up.

OP posts:

kylesmyloveheart · 05/03/2009 20:20

but you said in your OP she looked after him for most of the day.

katieloveskitty · 05/03/2009 20:20

I'm sorry but what do you expect if you work full time and then spend your holidays away from him? Time for a re-think.

willowthewispa · 05/03/2009 20:20

I think this is quite a common feeling, especially among first time mums. But don't worry! No-one will ever replace you

Congratulate yourself that you picked such a great nanny, and feel confident that your DS is so happy with her. However much he loves his nanny, he will never love her more than you.

flowerybeanbag · 05/03/2009 20:21

I have no wish to judge your holiday choices, but if this is something you are concerned about, and you work full time so can't do a lot about it during the week, maybe make a special effort to spend all your holiday time with him, and give the nanny the week off as well?

I do feel for you though, and I'm sure it's a bit of a phase. He knows who mummy is.

katieloveskitty · 05/03/2009 20:22

Sorry about your MCs. I can understand needing some headspace but I don't think this was a good move for your relationship with your boy.

TinySocks · 05/03/2009 20:22

Maybe it would be a good idea to choose holidays that involve spending time with him and when he is a little older you could take him skiing with you.

I think there is no way around it, if you want him to feel close to you, you need to spend more quality time with him.

Original poster

kissmummy · 05/03/2009 20:22

that's right, she did - we skied during the day, between about 10am and 4pm. but i think you're right that this was possibly too much.

OP posts:

georgimama · 05/03/2009 20:23

Not a nanny but my DS sometimes calls me by CM's name. He doesn't think I am her, he just says the wrong thing. He is also extremely attached to my mother, who looks after him one day a week. He gets upset when she leaves.

It is really hard but I'd say this was an exception and once things settle down to the normal pattern he will adjust again. I also try to tell myself that it is a good thing DS has strong attachments to people other than his parents.

Also at this sort of age I do wonder if they are "testing" us to an extent. I don't ever show DS that I am upset by it and he stops.

katieloveskitty · 05/03/2009 20:24

If you are still needing a break prehaps you could take some time off work (ie sick) to help you come to terms with what has happened? I did this following an ectopic last year and it did me the world of good.

kylesmyloveheart · 05/03/2009 20:25

as its only 3.5 days as soon as things get back into the normal routine he will be spending the majoroity of the time with you. feel for you though - but its you he loves and your HIS LOVELY & ONLY MUMMY !!

hope the holiday gave you a much needed break. you certainly sound like you needed it. also you relaxed as he was safe and he got to spend the time with someone he knew rather than a chalet nanny' (not sure what they are called) lol

rookiemater · 05/03/2009 20:26

Hi, look I really hate to be in the position of appearing to criticize another working mother and it sounds as if the last few months have been awfully hard on you.

But whilst katie has expressed herself somewhat bluntly, I do have to echo the general sentiment.

I work 4 days a week and whilst I love skiing I'm instead counting the days until DS is old enough ( next year he will be 4 yay) to come on a ski holiday and actually participate. I know its hard work on holiday with a little one and on our breaks we tend to use babysitters once DS is asleep to go out and enjoy some time on our own and have used a childrens club for one session during a weeks holiday.

I don't think you need to give up work and it does sounds as if you have a terrific nanny, but perhaps when you go on holiday next time, don't take her and let your DS enjoy spending time on his own with Mummy & Daddy.

cupofteaplease · 05/03/2009 20:27

Sorry to hear about your MCs, but I think that if you wanted a holiday with your son you should have chosen a holiday which he could have participated in WITH you. Then you could have given the nanny a week off, and come back feeling your relationship with your son was refreshed.

Obviously it's too late now, but perhaps it's something to consider for the future...

katieloveskitty · 05/03/2009 20:28

Blunt - moi?

Simplyme · 05/03/2009 20:30

Let me say you are v lucky to have a nanny who obviously adores your child and vice versa. Children go through phases of 'favourites' usually as a nanny the child always prefers the parent and that is natural and right but on occasions they want only mummy or daddy or sometimes they want nanny. Don't worry about it you will always be no 1 in the long run. I'm sorry about your MC and understand why you needed a break but in hindsight since you don't see much of your LO through work it might have been better to have had a family holiday without nanny and spent it with your child.

tiredlady · 05/03/2009 20:34

I also work - 4 days a week, and I feel nothing but sheer relief that ny 18mo dd loves her cm.

This is not about your feelings, however harsh that may sound. It's about your ds feeling loved and secure with his carer. Be pleased that her loves her so much. Would you rather he be sad and distressed when you left him everyday?

I would also echo other posters re the holiday.I do appreciate you need a break,but why not go away somewhere relaxing where you can spend quality time with your son without having to rely on your nanny to look after him?

Original poster

kissmummy · 05/03/2009 20:40

yes, that's right, tiredlady - no more holidays with nanny. and i am very, very grateful that we have such a fantastic person looking after him.

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BirdyArms · 05/03/2009 20:43

I think that this a fairly common phenomenon amongst full time working mothers with nannies, certainly was amongst those I used to work with. It shows that you have a good nanny. When I had a nanny my 1 yo seemed to prefer the nanny but my 3yo, who had only been with the nanny for 6 months, definitely preferred me, which made it easier to take!

I'm sure that it will settle down, though I suspect not go away, so I think that you need to do your best to try to see it as a good thing that your son is so happy. Also as others have said you are his mummy and always will be. There is a difference between love and like, could be that he likes being with her because she focuses 100% on him, as she is paid to, whereas you probably have other stuff to do whilst you are looking after him. He will know who loves him the most and as he gets older I think that he will start to show that he values your love more than her attention.

nbee84 · 05/03/2009 20:43

Maybe he was just tired at the end of the day. Toddlers have their best 'meltdowns' when they are particularly tired.

The holiday was a break for you after some difficult times and as you say you were only skiing 10 til 4. Lots of people take their nannies on holiday. At 19 months he is young and it was a big change - 7 days with nanny. Give it a couple of weeks and it will settle down.

Difficult as it may seem, just smile and think yourself very lucky to have such a wonderful nanny that ds loves very much. But he'll always love his mummy more

Original poster

kissmummy · 05/03/2009 20:47

thanks nbee - yes, he was totally knackered. i was late home for his bedtime despite racing against the clock and he hadn't had a nap all day. i know this played a part in it.

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LadyG · 05/03/2009 20:56

My tuppence worth-

You should be happy and are lucky that he is closely attached with her
19 month olds have tantrums. Especially around bathtime. Especially if he is playing and absorbed in something. This is just the start of lots more fun and games....
You are his mother and together with his father are the most important people in his life. His nanny and other people will be important to him but they do not love him as you do.
Your nanny works only 3.5 days and you obviously make a point of being back for bed and bathtime. You are doing wonderfully well balancing being a mother and working, it is hard and please do not feel guilty about taking some time out for yourself and your relationship especially given your recent traumas.
In my experience having a toddler does not make for a relaxing holiday. We tend to do the 'family holiday' with the intention of spending quality time together. For actual relaxation we escape for the odd weekend me with girlfriends/ DH sailing once or twice together (with GPs babysitting). So I think taking nanny is absolutely fine if you can afford it. Don't spoil it by feeling guilty!

naughtymummy · 05/03/2009 20:58

Kissmummy I have worked full time with a similar aged child to yours although my children are a little olde now. I have stopped racing home for bedtime. It seems to realy unsettle them to see me for a short while at the end of the day when they are tired and fractious,usually ending in a tantrum (once DS told me to go back to work and stay there forever). When this happens I feel very guilty like I shouldn't be working at all and get very stressed out.I have now decided that if I can't get home for 6, I will stay away until 8. I honestly think this makes everyone happier. Luckily I now work 3 days most weeks so have mummy days too. .

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