Play dates and nanny meet ups - am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

[2HotCrossBunsAnd1InTheOven]

I am very lucky in that I have a great nanny who the whole family love dearly. However, she isn't perfect (who is?!) and there a couple of issues which are bugging me at the moment. I am pg with DC3 so there is a possibility I am over-reacting/winding myself up! I've not said anything to my nanny yet - wanted to sound out whether I should or not first!

So - my nanny has been with us for nearly a year now (4 days a week) and has made a couple of very close nanny friends 1 of which is my nct friend's nanny. We all have 2 DCs and the children are well matched in age, particularly the younger 3 (all boys and born within 2 months of each other), and get on well. The older DCs are at their respective nurseries every morning whilst the younger ones do their various activities - some of which are the same. The nannies always meet up after the activities then go off to collect the older ones, do lunch, nap times etc. Then they meet up again in the afternoon with all the DCs. Most weeks it's every afternoon. Now they are all local, nice people, take it in turns to do tea etc so I don't have a problem with any of it individually. It's just it seems alot to see the same people all the time.

This week I have askd my nanny if she could ensure my DC have 1 afternoon a week when they don't have a playdate and they are just with her doing baking/painting/play dough etc. I think it's good for them to have some time where they not being stimulated by other kids, iyswim. She seemed fine with this.

But it doesn't leave much time for them to see other friends. My older DC is not that bothered by the kids the other nannies look after whilst the younger ones are my youngest's best mates! However, my nanny is excellent and I don't want to micro-manage her by setting rules as to how often to see particular friends. Part of me thinks if the kids are happy then I'm happy (and this is what my nct friend thinks, she's not going to mention it to her nanny).

Any thoughts - am I being a mad pg woman?!!

If you and your friends were SAHMs would you be following the same pattern the nannies are?

well that thought did occur to me too. When I was at home on mat leave I did see a couple of friends frequently and their DCs are my older one's best mates! And I did get slightly lazy in seeing other friends as well. However it wasn't every day (more like a couple of times a week) and certainly not twice a day as we did all have other commitments in our lives! I appreciate though that sometimes we all just take the easy option...

It does sound very much like the way things ended up happening when my dses were little. By default, you tend to end up spending the majority of your time with the same group of people - perhaps it's apathy or familiarity - I don't know. But it hasn't stopped my boys being sociable people or making new friendships outside that circle, so I wouldn't worry if I were you.

This was an issue with my previous nannies. I eventually realised that, when I said I was happy for nanny to meet up with other nannies, I didn't mean ALL the time. In the end it just felt like I was paying for nanny's social life and the children were just slightly inconvenient handbags to her.

I really do think my children like 1:1 adult attentioin.With my current one I made it clear from outset that I value 1:1 attention, and although variety is good, in general no more than 2 playdates a week and must be local.

Also I personally wouldn't worry about what you would do if you were looking after the kids. You are not a professional, paid nanny with a job description, and thus you should be able to have different expectations about how you and your nanny spend time with your children. That's what being an employer is about.

Having said that, I wouldn't want to upset/annoy nanny by limiting playdates, but to be honest, if she gets upset about fewer playdates, then is she really who you want?

GreenBlack - that was more where I was coming from but you managed to say it in a nice way! I am concerned about saying "we are paying you to look after the children not sit around chatting to your mates whilst they keep themselves amused" although obviously not in such a blunt manner!! I can't quite work out how to say less playdates with these 2 particular nannies so you have time for playdates with others without it sounding personal.

She was very relaxed and happy to have 1 afternoon a week with just her and kids, not upset at all. I think I will see how she sticks to that over the next 2 weeks. Then we are off skiing and a week after we get back she's off for Easter for a week. Thereafter I can tackle it further I suppose...

Do you not like the families they are spending time with?

Are your children moaning that they hate x or y and wish they didn't have to go there?

TBH I think your NCT friend has the right attitude not mentioning it at all - your nanny - as greenblack mentions - is a professional who is paid to do their job.....if you are that precious about precisely how many play dates are allowed then I suspect you need to be the one looking after your children as you obviously want to have more control over how they spend their time.

I am sure it makes both nanny's jobs more pleasant and enjoyable and that will rub of on your children - a happy nanny is vital to happy children I feel. They will soon pick up on vibes to the contrary if you start limiting your nanny so much

no the children are happy. My older one (nearly 4) is not that bothered with playing with the 2 older girls (just read that back, hope you know what i mean!!!) as they're not his first choice companions but he doesn't complain. Younger one at 22 months isn't going to complain much anyway and as I said the 2 other boys are his best mates but probably because he sees them so much!

I just wondered whether it was "unreasonable" of me, I suppose, to be concerned that my children are spending every morning and afternoon 4 days a week on play dates with the same people.

oh and I agree absolutely, a happy nanny is vital.

When I meet up with nanny friends we all sit and play with the children - sometimes I barely speak to friends as am too busy with children climbing on me!

Other times we might get a chance to talk whilst entertaining children but I don't think there's ever been a time where I've just sat and talked to friends. The children I mind are between 14 month and 4.

Maybe ask nanny if they could have little more time 1:1 at home but if it aint broke....

As a SAHM I spent most of my time with the same group of friends, but my kids also got 1:1 time at other times during their 12 waking hours that I looked after them. Since this is a nanny I would ask your nanny to try to arrange more activities to suit your 4 yr old, as it does sound a bit boring for him.

i see where you are coming from hotcrossbun

to me i think she is spending a lot of time with theses nannies/children

i am not saying that she shouldnt go out, but to go out and see other people as well

i meet up with many nannies and mummies, and on one day three of us meet up in am, have lunch together and then go to tumbletots together but i certainly wouldnt see them again afterwards and then for tea and then the next day

yes nannies like to socialize as do sahm's - it is vital to both sanity's

are there other children that your ds would like to invite back for tea from school - even though they have grown up together, now your ds is 4, he prob doesnt want to play with girls every day

and yes its good to have a dsy in playing in by selves, we do this, attempt to cook, or paint/playdough etc

but mb and i both agree that we both cant stay in all day - or we get cabin fever

Are you worried that she's spending too much time on playdates and not at home with the children, or just that the number of children yours see isn't enough?

I think it would be fine to specify one or two afternoons a week playdate free, but I really don't think it matters that they see the same people all the time. There's plenty of time at nursery and school to play with loads of different children.

Actually not only it doesn't matter but it builds up more 'close' relatioships and what goes with them i.e. familiarity, trust, continuity etc. Much better than meeting too many and different children .

And i dont see it as 'you pay for the nanny's social life'. All nannies meet up with other nannies and children.

Now if she goes to the pub or meet her boyfriend.....

Agreed Tiramissu - my 2yo charge is much happier playing with the two friends we see a lot than the 10 children we see once a week at toddler group.

Thanks for your thoughts. Yes DS1 would prefer to see other children. Whilst one of the nannies is from my nct group the mother and I aren't that close so DS1 has only got to know her daughter in the last year. He loves to play superhero type games now with a couple of boys from pre-school and he does have the odd play date with them - mainly organised by me/DH (who's at home having been made redundant and is looking for a job).

Blondes - I agree. I don't expect her to stay at home all day and Ds2 has activities (music, tumble tots, play group) in the mornings. Also now the weather is improving they will prob start to spend more time in the park - but that will be with the same nanny friends.

The other thing is that I am beginning to get feed back from my SAHM who ask the nanny if my older son can have a play date with their children (drop off as he is very familiar with them/their houses) to be told that mine are "pretty busy" most days.

Incidently my nanny meets these 2 nannies in her own time as well so they are clearly close. Not that that is a problem in itself, I more mean that she does get to see them in her own time as well as when looking after the DC. That would be too much for me personally!!

I'm torn as I'm really pleased that she has settled well with us and in our locality and has made some good nanny friends. I also want her to stay with us after DC3 is born (dependant on DH finding a job though...)

I still think that you are getting stressed over nothing.

• She sees the nannies after work too: Yes, perfectly normal. All nannies meet up occasionally for after work drinks. Just like after office drinks?

• She doesn't do playdates with your SAHM friend: Tbh most nannies prefer to meet up with other nannies because they have more in common and because meeting with your SAHM friend will feel a bit like.... she is been watched by your friend. I m not saying that s the case but thats how it feels.

• Now you are mentioning that your DH is at home. Well, it is very difficult for a nanny to work when one parent is at home because the children tend to play up. And it is worst when that parent is the dad (i m beeing sexist now)

I really think that if she is a good nanny then you shouldn't worry.

2HotCrossBuns - I just typed out a long reply (left it below for you to read anyway!!) but when are you due and what are your plans for ML? This could be a 'natural' time for things to become organised differently, without you actually having to say or do anything.... and in the meantime, if it's a little way off still, just say you have had emails and calls from the parents asking when DS1 would be free for a playdate and that you would really appreciate it if that was incorporated into the weeks activities - you don't have to say when or how often and see if it gets done?!

Original reply:

Why don't you say to your Nanny that you have been getting a lot of calls/emails from the parents of your sons friends at school and would like to set up some playdates (God I hate that word) with them and ask her what she thinks would be the best way to do this? Suggest setting aside say 2 afternoons a week where this takes priority over the younger childrens play afternoons. Then she still has 2 afternoons and all mornings to do it however she wants, unless you have the little one in organised groups every morning, but even then they seem to find time to meet up.

There is a fine line between not upsetting an otherwise great nanny, but getting the best for your little ones and it sounds like it could be a little bit better for your older DS, so you should both work towards this.

I think your dh being at home is probably the main reason she is spending so much time with her nanny friend.

My db works form home occasionally and though he is good and shuts himself away in the office I prefer to be out so as not to disturb him with childrens noise/shrieks/my singing

However, I know where you are coming from when you say that "we are paying you to look after the children not sit around chatting to your mates whilst they keep themselves amused" (reading between the lines and thinking as a mummy, I think this is what is concerning you). It could well be the case that they are sitting around while the children are left to it - but also it could be as navyeyelash mentions that the nannies are playing with and involved with the children. If it is the first senario then I personally do not think this is on - a certain amount of time without adult interaction and guidance is good for children but not all the time - after all nannies are paid a fairly good wage and should be spending time doing arts & crafts, baking, puzzles, reading stories etc etc. - that's what they are paid to do. JMO.

To be honest it's not that different with DH at home. They tend to take it in turns to be at each other's houses so will be at ours at least one afternoon a week. DH does tend to be out of the house quite a lot at meetings, interviews, doing exercise etc so at least 50% of the time it's as "normal". The older one did try it on a bit when DH was first at home but he has settled down now (it's been 6 weeks).

The playdates with SAHM friends are drop off so feeling watched shouldn't be a reason. I did wonder if she felt she should be looking after both of them as that's her job rather than leaving one in someone else's charge. How do nannies with 4yr plus charges feel about drop off play dates?

Anyway DS1 had a night terror last night and DS2 was up for about 2 plus hours in the early hours so we are all tired today. Good job this afternoon is "no play dates" and they are doing baking - lovely, just in time for the weekend!

I'm due at the end of July and will be going on mat leave mid June probably. With holidays and Easter it's not actually that long until things may change a bit anyway.

I really appreciate all the feedback - and that noone has said I am raving mad !!

i am more than happy to get rid of my 3yr on a play date

just as i am happy to have friends over from nursery, the sahm comes in first, has a cuppa, we have a natter then leaves

nest time i just pick up the child from nursery/sahm drops off for tea etc

obv children make friends and the more they see of certian children, the more they will want to play with them

tbh i feel sorry for your eldest ds, he obv wants to play boy games, and girls dont want to (apart from my 6yr girl who is a tomboy )

i suggest you say that ds wants to play with xxx from nursery, and ask nanny to arrange a date and time thats good for her, even if in 2 weeks time

yes having a parent at home out of work is hard BUT i find dads easier and tbh your nanny should be grateful that she has a job, and that in a few months time, you will be on ML and db wont have an income

will your nanny still have a 4day job?

hotcrossbun - the more I read you the more I think you are genuinely a reasonable person who simply wants whats best for ALL her children - which is just fab (obviously!)

What I can gather then the main "concern" is actually with the 4 year old? It may be worth saying to the nanny something along the lines of...

"You know I really don't have a problem with you offloading DS on my SAHM friend if she invites him over for a playdate...you wouldn't have to stay and it would be nice for DS to spend some time away from you as he clearly adores you but needs to get prepared for school when he won't get to see you so much - would you mind terribly dropping him off once in a while on your way to Xs?"

Does that sound terribly patronising? Something to explain that you want DS to spend some time with boys his age plus five mins away from nanny in readiness for school plus reassuring her that shes not being lazy if he goes on playdate without her......

Does that help?

What do the nannies do with the children when they meet up. I have two close friends who are childminders and we meet up regularly. We take pics for the parents so they can be involved in what we do with the children during the day.

Sometimes when there are more adults its easier to do certain activities, one adult can watch the children while another clears away the activity and the other can be cleaning hands, preparing snacks etc.

Painting, glueing and sticking, cooking with the children, music sessions and outdoor visits are all easier and more enjoyable with more adults.

I love company of adults and other children, some really good ideas for play comes from group sessions. We certainly dont sit around having coffee and chatting.

I do agree though that there should be a good balance and one to one is really important.

I don't know yet what is going to happen when DC3 arrives. DS1 starts school in Sept and other friends with 3 children/slightly older ones say getting out of the house for the school run can be a nightmare. Ideally I would like to spread the nanny's current hours over a 5 day rather than 4 day week. But I would want help in the morning and at tea/bath/bed time so that would mean a break of a few hours during the day. Not sure whether that would be something she would agree to. The other alternative I am thinking of is to get rid of my cleaner (who is more expensive that the nanny anyway!!) and ask the nanny to do a couple of hours cleaning/housework every day to fill the "spare" time. That would only be a few additional hours on what the nanny and cleaner together currently are.

This is all assuming DH finds a job - he's in financial services and was previously a high earner. Not that well paid jobs in that industry around at the moment! He did get a package though so whilst we don't have immediate worries, come the summer we will! I haven't discussed any of this with the nanny yet as Sept is still a long way off. She must have concerns about her job though with the main earner being out of work.

Anyway - discussing things here has helped clear my thoughts on the play date issue and, yes, it's probably more to do with how DS1 is spending his time. Also DS1 went to nursery when I was working before having DS2 and did loads of messy play/art & craft stuff. I feel DS2 does hardly any of that and would love it! From what I can tell the kids play with each other's toys on the play dates and don't do much "activites". Come summer though they will be running around after a football in the park most afternoons anyway.

my mb kept me on ml and she said i was a godsend, you will be tired and also nice that nanny can have baby and you can spend time with older 2

i work 3 days, and had mb off last summer hols on ml, and i did all my normal stuff on 2 days with older 2 and often had baby as well ,and on a tuesday i had baby and mb took older out on own - worked well

getting 3 out by 8.30 is hard. esp when one is a new baby, but dh might be there

tbh not many nannies i know would be happy to clean , so if you do get rid of cleaner, then dh will have to do it if he doesnt have a job

In terms of playdates/activities, it sounds like you don't need to tell the nanny to have less playdates - you just need to tell her what you want. How will she know if you don't tell her?

Explain that you would like DS2 to do more craft activities and messy play.

Ask her to arrange more playdates for DS1 and assure her it's no problem to drop him off.

Often as a nanny you get very little feedback from parents, so you just have to do what you think is best and keep the children happy. If my boss ever specifically asks me to do something (take the children to a particular activity, arrange a playdate with a child from school etc) of course it's fine and I do it.