Nanny crisis - please help (very long)!!!!!!!!

[NannyNightmare]

Namechanged but am a very regular poster on both this board and others amongst the Mumsnet winds.

I have 3 DC's and we have had our current nanny for 4 months. Children are aged 8, 2.5, and not quite 1. Nanny has generally been great, I come home to find a spotless house, nanny diary with balanced meals listed and all children eating well, happy, and normally reading books together.

I came home today from work about 2 hours early (which I never do) to hear my 8-year-old crying in his room with the door locked (his room is on ground floor). We have a very old house whereby doors can only be locked with big rusty keys hung above fireplace that we NEVER use. I walked into kitchen where nanny was force-feeding my 2.5-year-old a massive plate of mashed potato and nothing else. When I say force-feeding, I mean by daughter was strapped into her high chair, nanny had one hand opening her mouth, other hand with spoon shoving it in.

I promptly said, "Nanny, what on EARTH are you doing? Why is DS locked in his room and STOP doing that with DD1" whereby she looked horrified, stood up, went to lounge and got her bag, and left WITHOUT SAYING A WORD.

I took DD1 out of chair, cleaned her up and calmed her down, let out DS who said Nanny had her boyfriend over that day and the children were supposed to play in DS's room quietly. He said DD2 was crying, he went to get Nanny, Nanny locked him in the room, shouted and swore, dropped 2 DD's in their rooms, and he hadn't seen her since then.

On the kitchen side was the nanny diary where I saw she had already listed DD as having eaten 'Mashed potato - all, Chicken - all, Green beans - all'.

DS is generally a shy boy but he doesn't make up many tales and the fact she just left with absolutely no conversation whatsoever has me believing him. Where do I go to report this, I have called/texted/emailed nanny and had no reply (naturally). I have canceled our direct debit into her account, we found her privately and not through an agency. I am very tempted to contact her previous references and inform them of this to warn potential other employers.

Who do I ring? Police?

Im gob-smacked !! thats terrible..did you do a CRB check on her when she started?
Where are you based?
and wherever you found her post an ADD IN THE NANNY SECTION WARNING PARENTS.

hth

I thought you couldn't crb check a nanny - only nanny agencies etc can request it.

I was toying with getting a nanny last year and didn't (continued to use nursery) for a very similar reason - I saw a local familly's twins out with their nanny. I had spoken to the nanny a few times at toddler groups, she'd told me how great she was, how the family couldn't live without her, best nanny in town etc. I thought she was a bit full of herself but seemed to look after the twins well at the toddler groups, park etc. Anyway, I had the day off and was in M&S cafe studying for an exam, she couldn't see me as she was tucked in a booth. I witnessed her, with a friend, forcefeeding the twins (8 months, so must have only just been eating solid food), swearing at them because they were gagging and spitting it back out, saying to friend "if these f*ing kids don't hurry up and eat so we can go and do X I'm going to effing kill them", "I'm not in the mood for this shit today" etc etc and when she had finally forced some food in, she put them in their double buggy and turned the pushchair to the wall, pushing it right up against it so they were hemmed in and went and got coffees for her and friend. They then sat there for 20 mins or so.

I was shocked and horrified, but to cap it off, I then heard her call the mother at work and tell her that the children were fine, what a lovely time they were having etc.Her whole voice changed - it was creepy.

I know these are (hopefully) odd exceptions but, tbh, it put me off for life I think. I really hope that nannies that come through agencies are better than this in case I ever need to use one.

I would call Ofsted - even if she isn't registered now, I think in the near future most of all nannies are going to have to be and hopefully Ofsted will flag this up against her name if she does try.

Her behaviour is unbelievable - even a nanny who maybe isn't "great" in terms of being really creative/organised/affectionate should at least be able to care for children with basic humanity! Maybe she is used to little ones being easy to control (or ignore), sleeping and not being able to tell, and couldn't cope with having an older one at home all day messing up her plans . Do you know any other nannies or mums who go to the same toddler groups as her?

Poor you, and your children. Maybe think about using an agency next time? At least then the nanny is CRB checked, may be well known to them, and they could probably provide a temp if things don't work out.

Not sure any of the authorities can do anything. This is why all childcarers will eventually be registered if working in England.
You could have a chat with your local social services early years team. Dont call their emergency number as a child isn't in immediate danger. If you can't locate their office number, call Childrens Information Service who will know it.
Why did she just leave? Seems odd to me for her not to want to give her side of the story, as it were.
Im not a fan of nanny diaries. As in this case, it does not tell the truth. Daily diaries in nursery can be the same - prepared in advance, not accurate etc.
Its good that you arrived home unanounced, if you haden't you wouldn't have known. Sorry its happened, not all nannies are like this.
When you were interviewing, was there anything that would have indicated this kind of future behaviour?

Call police! they may have had reports about her before of similar incidents.

Call NSPCC and OFSTED even if she isn't registered!

Call all these people even if they only offer you advise!!!!! I cannot stress enough

Call all her past references you have.

Something needs to be done - she could leave this job off her C.V and make an excuse for why she wasn't working for 4months + (e.g studying, travelling, not finding right job etc.) this could then lead her to getting another new nanny job and they won't be ringing you for a reference as 'she never worked for you' IYSWIM. I could happen to other people.

How awful for you and your children especially.

Please keep us updated.

p.s where abouts do you live - need to know if this nanny is in any of our areas to be aware.

Kindest Regards

xfabba did you tell the mother?

Hi everyone, thanks for responses. DH was less than sympathetic, thought I was overreacting and perhaps she was just 'helping' DD to eat and that DS had locked HIMSELF in the room although key had been replaced back on fireplace and no one else could have reached it.

Left a voicemail on nanny's phone, hopefully she will at least drop the keys by. Told her to just pop them in postbox if she has an issue with not wanting to see us, etc.

Sorting out who to ring tomorrow, I will probably try Ofsted first along with her college, then NSPCC and see if they advise to take it to police. Also will be calling all her refs tomorrow.

I am located in Kensington, London. Loads of nannies about but if anyone is contacted by a British qualified nanny age 26, let me know and I will make sure it's not the same girl.

No I don't know her - just the nanny vaguely - all I did was make it clear when I left that I'd been sitting there and we stared/scowled at each other - I wish I could have done more. I am not even 100% sure which of the women I see around is the mother. I feel now I should have said something to her (the nanny) but it was a case of her being very uncaring and cold towards the babies - she didn't actually do anything physically wrong (in public - what about in private ....) so I wasn't sure what to do. I haven't seen any of then since as I had just finished mat leave so don't go to the groups etc any more. I just felt so bad for the mother who was feeling reassured and happy at work (I have been in this position when phoning to check my dc are ok at nursery) when actually her babies, whilst not being harmed (physically) or abused, were being treated in a way that I would be horrified at if anyone treated my babies like that. I tell myself that at least at nursery there are multiple people, always someone watching so no "bad apple" has complete control or influence over them.

Anyway, off topic, I know how hard it is to find the right childcare so I wish the OP luck - enjoy your week with the children.

OMG. I'm not sure what to say as I think it has all been said. But she is horrible. And you have my sypathy! IF I could think of a complaint that would affect her CRB, I would make it.

OMG i am and for you

how DARE she LOCK your ds in his room and FORCE FEED your dd

words fail me - thank god you did come home early

i think you should call the police, there might not be anything they can do but as others have said it may pop up next time she wants a crb - though think you need to be cautioned for it to pop up

i would ring her previous employers and def ring the local agencies

there is NO excuse for what she did

how are your children today?

and assume that your nanny didnt come in as usual?

Oh my God you poor thing and your poor children!!!!

I feel so horrified for you (and slightly nauseous with fear as I am currently recruiting my first nanny before I go back to work after DD3 and now want to cry/ring all applicants and tell them to forget it/never leave my children again).

On the question of who to inform:

1. I think police a good place to start (though obviously not ring 999)
2. Ofsted may also help.
3. In Sept 2008, the ISA system kicks in - government-run service where all carers have to be registered as safe to work with kids/vulnerable adults before they can be employed. This sort of information is the exact sort of thing that would get a nanny barred for life. May be worth asking Ofsted/police how you could ensure your information gets onto your nanny's ISA record and stays there. (Maybe have a look at ISA website too.)

Once again, I am so very sorry. Must repress unnatural instinct to rush round your house and babysit for all your children until you find someone new, and concentrate on figuring out what to do with my own nanny plans!

Sorry, I mean Sept 2009 for ISA start-up - although knowing government initiatives, this date may slip a bit. It was originally meant to start LAST year.

Okay so for today.

DS has made a few more offhand comments about her at the probing of DH, saying that she 'lets' him watch TV while she feeds the girls and she likes her phone. Assume this means she's force feeding them more than just a one off . Someone asked about their weekend eating behaviour. It varies really. If it's something they like, usually they feed themselves fine, we never feed any of the kids anyway (even the 1-year-old feeds herself 100% of the time) so that may have something to do with it.

DS, however, has now clammed up when I ask him about the Nanny, I think he thinks he is the one in trouble poor guy and seems to be having a guilt complex about the whole thing. The girls are fine today.

I rang her previous references today (the three she gave me, one included her college). One of the families was shocked, the other actually seemed blase about it all - I think they thought I was overreacting. I asked if anything like this had happened before, 2nd family said 'Of course. Toddlers always have problems eating and they need to get all their nutrients.' Leads me to believe she's a dab hand at it now.

Rang college, they said it was unfortunate but unfortunately since no physical abuse or evidence of such was made they are not in a position to revoke her qualification, and that I can not 'prove' that she locked my son in his bedroom. Ditto both Ofsted and police. Ofsted recommended I ring all agencies nearby and warn off any potential nanny employers I may know. Very that my children have been through this and nothing else can be done! I don't know who else to go to at the moment though. Any suggestions?

No communication (or keys) yet from Nanny.

Thank goodness you found out quickly and that things hadn't escalated and that it is all over now.

sorry for you been following this and getting scared as we're due for a nanny to start next month... re teh locking in, how did he get there - or maybe the twins locked him in? no proof

poppy I thought the same. I complained to DH about it, and he (with his logical man mind I guess) said that we could be making it up to slander a nanny who quit when we didn't want her to ??? From a police point of view...nothing they can do.

as a nanny I am absolutely appalled that there is nothing you can do about this!
if you got her from gumtree I would put an ad up in the nanny section stating her name, age and exactly what happened. nothing inflammatory so that she can sue mind, just the facts+what you came home too.
this woman cannot be allowed to nanny again!
my heart goes out to your poor DS
I'm sure a nanny is the last person you want to hear right from right now but if you need any ad hoc help I'm aval til about 1pm weekdays x

as a nanny I am absolutely appalled that there is nothing you can do about this!
if you got her from gumtree I would put an ad up in the nanny section stating her name, age and exactly what happened. nothing inflammatory so that she can sue mind, just the facts+what you came home too.
this woman cannot be allowed to nanny again!
my heart goes out to your poor DS
I'm sure a nanny is the last person you want to hear right from right now but if you need any ad hoc help I'm aval til about 1pm weekdays x

OMG! How awful. Would phone local agencies and warn them. How did the children behave with her?

OP
sending you my sympathy too, felt sick reading this.

However i m not socked that the police cant do anything. It is your word against hers and not physical abuse (although locking a child i would think it is abuse). Tbh there are mums who overeact sometimes-especially first time mums, we all know how we ve been with our first-and thats why the police has to be a bit sceptical otherwise half nannies would be in prison.

In your case obviously is not overeaction and i ve never seen a mum of three overeacting. But unfortunetely not much you can do so i would forget about the police and focus on the children, especially the 8 yrs old. I would try to make this week as normal and fun as possible for him, would not discuss the matter on the phone or to friends and DH in front of him and would only ask him once or twice about it, no more questions. He must feel confused even quilty as you said.

if your ds is capabe of thinking that if I say x abaout nanny she'll go at his age I'd be amazed nannynightmare

your poor 8yr ds thinking he has done wrong

sounds like she force fed family 2 children

its bad enough the nanny has done this, but not to reply/answer your calls is just as bad, and obv menas she knows she has done wrong

as she hasnt returned your keys, she has tech stolen them, and again maybe police can get involved with the return of them

you may have to pay the nanny for the work she has done

i know your exp has prob put you right off nannies, but i can promise you most of us are loving and kind and professional

good luck with your search

patriciawentworthheroine - with regard to the ISA, you wrote "This sort of information is the exact sort of thing that would get a nanny barred for life."

Do you really think that the ISA scheme would do that, in circumstances where the person has not received a Police Caution or been before any Court? If a parent is able to call the ISA and report anything a childcarer has done, then the ISA will be inundated with calls all the time... some may be valid, others may be malicious.
Are you the PR person? Could you link to further info about what the ISA will actually consider when adding information to a childcarers file.

NannyNightmare - hope things are beginning to get a bit better. Did you contact Social Services? I'm wondering what they said - probably the same as Police and Ofsted unfortunately.

This is absolutely horrendous, so sorry you are going through this

Can you change your locks soon? I would.

OMG

Stories like this make my blood boil and also make me want to scoop up the poor munchkins who've been treated appallingly and give them uber-cuddles and love to try and make up for what they've been through. There's absolutely NO excuse for locking a child in their room, and as for force feeding a 1 yr old???!!!! There's a very common Boston saying here that sums it all up quite nicely: "What the fuck???!!!"

This nanny ought to have some kind of punishment or consequences for her actions. Name and shame. She should not be in this profession. I LOVE my job, I LOVE my families, and would go through hell and high water to help raise the children in a loving, secure and healthy environment. What this nanny has done is appalling. And the saddest part of this is that your poor 8yr old is feeling guilty and blaming himself what a little sweetheart, please hug him from me, I have tears in my eyes thinking he is taking the blame for this.

I would love to know who this nanny is. I know loads of London nannies and I bet we could hunt her down and make her eat mashed potatoes til she's sick. Not to make light of the situation. I just think she needs a little lesson in karma. You mess with the hearts of children, you totally deserve to get shat on by the universe, is how I see it.