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Original poster

Is it acceptable for AP to smack a childs hand?

53 replies

NewTeacher · 23/02/2009 10:48

Hi there

My DD can be trying when she wants nothing extraordinarily so, just the usual tantrumy 3 year old.

This morning I heard my DD crying (I was upstairs getting changed and she was downstairs with her brother and AP). Didnt think much of it as I thought she had been told off for not eating brekkie.

When I went downstairs I asked her what was wrong and she wouldnt answer she had a big blob of snot and tears streaming down her face. AP was supposed to have done her hair but has stomped off to kitchen. My DS who is 5 pipes up "Mummy DD wasn't eating her breakfast so AP smacked her".

TBH I was gob smacked and just said "No one is allowed to smack anyone" when AP was in the room. I took DS to one side and asked him if AP had really smacked DD and he said Yes on her hand. I asked DD when we were alone and in the car and she didnt give me an answer.

I'm appalled and dont know what to do. How do I approach with AP? I know my DS and he wouldnt make it up.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewTeacher · 23/02/2009 14:48

BHMF - Thats exactly what I do with my DC's if they make a fuss at eating time I take the plate away and say no food! They generally want it back in a few mins.

OP posts:
Weegle · 23/02/2009 15:17

Actually I'm not sure the cultural thing is a defense... I'm on my third German AP. At some stage with all of them the topic of child discipline has come up (outside of my personal directions regarding DS) and as I understand it smacking is even more frowned upon than here in the UK. My current AP was absolutely mortified that it was only when DH & I were kids that smacking was completely commonplace and acceptable.

What concerns me is that your AP sounds like she overheard you learning about the smack - is that right? In which case, why didn't she jump in and either say she didn't or state her case? Remaining surly in the kitchen isn't appropriate. I'm not sure I could trust her again after what you have witnessed, but I know it's always difficult to gauge exactly the situation and her track record from a thread...

Also, and I have smacked DS once (it was very premeditated after he kept bolting out the front door on to the road and it was after we had tried every single other course of action and I decided a smack would be better than a dead child), that's me, as his parent, having thought through my options and what was appropriate. Even if I felt the same approach was necessary again I would never sanction for anyone other than DH to smack DS. As far as I'm concerned anyone caring for DS has a far more rigid framework of discipline to work within, and if at any point the framework doesn't work, I would expect the adult caring for them to walk away and speak to me when they could.

What a horrid situation to be caught in , I hope you get resolution so you feel happy.

nannyL · 23/02/2009 15:24

in a word "no"

thebody · 23/02/2009 16:27

tbh i think the whole stomping off thing and not doing the hair is almost worse than the smack. Sound like she lost her temper just like a child would and definatly not acceptable. I agree with Weegle, wouldnt trust her with my kids.
Best of luck though.

PaulaMummyKnowsBest · 23/02/2009 16:30

when I gave my 2nd german au pair her "handbook" she read it and said (regarding the first house rule of no smacking) "of course I wouldn't smack your children. It's wrong."

Talk to her about it and make it very clear that if it happens again she will be asked to leave.

ingles2 · 23/02/2009 19:31

Spell it out clearly was my motto youngV
My handbook was pages long last year
It's definitely one of the most important things to talk to AP's about, along with First aid and road safety.
And my last 3 German Ap's all thought it was ok to smack in extreme circumstances!

ingles2 · 23/02/2009 19:33

I agree though, about the stomping off. I bet it was because she knew it was wrong which makes it worse in a way. Better to face up to it.

Weegle · 23/02/2009 20:02

woah, that's quite scaray ingles - will now be adding that to my handbook too...

Tiramissu · 23/02/2009 22:33

Tbh i would confront her on the spot. I wouldnt just say the comment you did. You need to speak directly and very matter of fact to her. Not in front of her, to her.

I like Ingles2 list (apart from the bite). More important than the dusting/ironing etc. Everything to do with the children has to be very clear.

I dont mean to be negative but i dont agree with those who said 'this is easy to fix'. I dont think people can change their childcaring style overnight. If it clashes with yours then obviously this is not good.

It doesnt matter which country she comes from,Germany or Romania. 'culture' is your upbringing and family. Germany is a big country, culture varies from area to area, like in UK and everywhere. If she was brought up in a family who smacked and she doesnt know how to deal with crisis or anger and she thinks it is normal i wouldnt like her to look after my children.

aupair101 · 04/03/2009 11:18

The family I work for ASK me to smack their children on the hand. DC3 is often smacked on the back of the legs as well, for what I can see.. no REAL reason. DC3 might be a bit wingey or miserable, or wont go to bed or eat dinner, but DC3 gets a wallop for it. I wouldn't do this, even though the parents have asked me to. I do however give a light tap on the back of the hand if I feel the behaviour warrents it. Obviously I will respect the parents wishes, but hitting a 3 year old on the legs until they can't even cry anymore, in my opinion, is wrong.

nomoreamover · 04/03/2009 13:48

SHE GOES RIGHT NOW! Sorry but to my mind that is wholly unacceptable - how dare she smack your child?!!!!

nomoreamover · 04/03/2009 13:50

aupair101 by the way - good for you for not stooping to their level of walloping across the back of the legs.....I suppose thats something!

MarmadukeScarlet · 05/03/2009 10:43

AP101, you aren't looking for a friendly, non smacking family in Kent are you?

MuffinToptheMule · 05/03/2009 11:02

I think Ingles is completely right, you have to spell EVERYTHING out. This is not just because APs are not trained childcarers but because every family like things to be done differently. I'm an AP and I have worked for a few different families, they all wanted completely different things. The majority said 'no hitting, smacking etc', which I was very glad about. However some families thought that smacking was acceptable. In fact, I lost out on a job because when I met them I said I didn't agree with smacking, but this was their preferred method of discipline.

aupair101 · 05/03/2009 21:47

Marmaduke, I am not currently looking for work.. I start a new job in a children's respite home in 2 weeks, and I am going to be a paediatric nurse in September. Hope you find someone soon though!! x

MarmadukeScarlet · 06/03/2009 11:12

Oh well, worth a try!

Finding a good AP who is prepared to work with a DC with SN (DS has rare connective tissue disorder/CP/Metabolic disorder/communication issues) and live in the wilds of Kent is virtually impossible!

Chellesgirl · 06/03/2009 11:22

NewTeacher DO you have a written contract between you and AP?

If not you should really get one. As a Nanny I always give my family a contract to read and sign.
In it says, if I mistreat a child in anyway, of which the family find unlawful then I am to be struck off. Obviously not quite in these words.

I can give you a copy of a very decent contract if you do not have one already.

But, I do feel more should be done towards AP. It's for one thing against the law! And, secondly your DD is not her child to smack, AT ALL!

Chellesgirl · 06/03/2009 11:27

Its a shame MarmadukeScarlet. If i lived in Kent I'd be happy to care for you DS.

Have you no agencies around Kent that specialise in giving out au-pairs or livwe in nannies that can deal with SEN requirements?

MarmadukeScarlet · 06/03/2009 12:19

Chellesgirl, thank you he is a poppet, but just rather energetic and full on!

There is the SNAP agency but their placement fee is roughly double that of more usual agencies.

He'll be at school full time from Sept, so if I can get a half decent summer AP I'll be fine I just would like an extra pair of hands and to be able to spend a little quality time with my 9 yr old.

Chellesgirl · 06/03/2009 12:24

SUNNY SMILES AU-PAIR AGENCY, PO BOX 280, Sevenoaks, Kent TN13 1FU
Tel & Fax: 01732 452282.
E-mail: [email protected] ...

Also have you tried www.gumtree.com
put in where you live and search under nanny/babysitting.

Tends to be alot of au-pairs/nannies wanting work.

Chellesgirl · 06/03/2009 12:33

MarmadukeScarlet

I have found a French, but English speaking Au-pair in Kent. She is on www.Gumtree.com/kent

Ref:35583612. Pop this in and she should come up.
It just depends where you are based.

Take care and If you need any more help, im here.

MarmadukeScarlet · 06/03/2009 13:10

Thank you very much.

I am familiar with Sunny Smiles, but didn't know they did SN, I shall look (and try to get over my predjudice about the founder going off with the father of the family she used to AP for)

Will get onto the Kent Gumtree one.

MarmadukeScarlet · 06/03/2009 13:11
MarmadukeScarlet · 06/03/2009 14:16

chellesgirl

I am a gumtree novice and cannot find the postin even with the ref no any more clues?

Chellesgirl · 06/03/2009 20:56

Maybe she just had the standard advert and so will only be traceable by ref within 3 days. I will copy and paste for you what it says.