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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Have any of you ever had mindees you just don't 'click' with?

29 replies

OFSTEDoutstanding · 18/02/2009 19:44

I have been childminding a mindee for 2 years, since he was 5 months old and for the first time in 17 years of childcare I just don't seem to have bonded with him. I am caring and will give him cuddles and play and do all the things you would do with any other mindee but I get absolutely nothing back. He wouldn't dream of giving me a hug goodbye when he leaves and tbh his parents would find it strange if I asked for one. He never asks to sit on my lap, he wont come over and talk to me and if my ds is not there he will only play alone or sit looking into space. Before any of you say I should try harder I have done everything I possibly can, I feel like the 5month old mindee gives more back. I don't show that I haven't bonded and he is really happy here but just not at all affectionate. Has this ever happened to any of you and if so what do you do. It probably sounds really silly but it is starting to make me feel like a really bad childminder

OP posts:

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LoveBuckets · 18/02/2009 19:48

Sorry to butt in, but that actually sounds like my son at that age who turned out to have an Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Try not to take it personally but if you get the chance ask his mum about him, she may feel the same as you and be desperate to talk.

Chatkins · 18/02/2009 19:49

Maybe he is like this with other people too ?

I have minded very cuddly, affectionate children, and children who really like their personal space. It sounds like you have tried really hard, and it certainly doesn't sound like he is unhappy with you.

Could you talk to the parents about your concerns ?

nannynick · 18/02/2009 20:00

How often do you care for him? If it's 2 years of Mon-Fri, 10 hours+ a day, then I find it odd. However, not everyone shows affection in the same way.
If he injures himself... does he come to you then?

Original poster

OFSTEDoutstanding · 18/02/2009 20:10

Nanny Nick It has been 2 years of M-F 8 hours a day. I have spoken to the parents they think he is just sulking because my ds has just started pre-school but I tried to explain it has always been this way and they just shrug their shoulders. If he injures himself he stands and cries and doesn't make any attempt to come to me at all, though he will let me hold him when I go to him. He has always been a slow developer he didn't sit until 10 months or walk until nearly 18months. He has only just started talking more than one word at a time at 2 1/2. During the day if I leave the room to prepare a craft activity or prepare a snack he will fall asleep sitting up where he is and is always very tired and falls over constantly. Again parents have been told and just laugh it off I really don't know what to do

OP posts:

Heated · 18/02/2009 20:12

That doesn't sound at all right and am surprised the boy's parents aren't much more concerned.

Chatkins · 18/02/2009 20:12

I would be worried that the parents seem to laugh it off and not care !

I am maybe wondering if he does not recieve much affection at home, then he does not know how to give or recieve it himself ?

But then it does still seem odd he hasn't gotten used to it, after two years full time. Being that tired is also very worrying !

LoveBuckets · 18/02/2009 20:15

Have a look at the checklist at the bottom of this page. If you get a lot of ticks, print it out and give it to the parents, suggesting they take it to their GP.
In the meantime, if he lets you just give him cuddles anyway and 'train' him to do affection. I had to do this with my son, and it soon became habit for him, even if he's just going through the motions. He is just 4 now and much more affectionate.

TotalChaos · 18/02/2009 20:16

agree with heated. possibly they are seeking help and don't feel like talking about it to OP, but then again possibly they are genuinely unconcerned. Can you not speak to the council Senco for support about dealing with this lad?

In terms of "clicking" - I wouldn't worry about the "clicking" just do your best as a caring professional with an undemonstrative child.

LoveBuckets · 18/02/2009 20:17

Also, autism is genetic in a lot of cases and the parent you see most of might be on the spectrum themselves without knowing! They're not engineers by any chance?

TotalChaos · 18/02/2009 20:18

btw if his language development is a bit slow, then bear in mind his understanding may not be as good as you would expect for a child his age, so he may well not understand rather than be disobedient if he doesn't follow instructions. if you do think he doesn't understand, back up what you say with visuals - gestures/phots/pictures

Heated · 18/02/2009 21:13

OP, what are you going to do?

TotalChaos · 19/02/2009 08:35

in terms of hugs - I really don't think they are a vital area to work on - saying hello and goodbye and being able to initiate conversation are far more important social skills IMO.

in terms of falling over constantly - if it's out of the blue, rather than very clumsy, then possibly epilepsy ought to be ruled out?

in terms of language - if he's just about at the two word stage, encourage more verbs to help him build up little sentences.

MaryBSearchingForaJob · 19/02/2009 08:44

Lovebuckets, we're not ALL engineers, some of us work in IT!

He does sound like he could be on the spectrum, based on my own experiences. Doesn't mean he doesn't care for you, but probably doesn't even think to hug you.

My son was like this, he'd be hugely affectionate to family members, but not to anyone else. And his parents might be completely unaware of it because he is fine at home. We only became aware when the school raised with us how he was at school.

You COULD raise it with his parents, but I'd be very careful how you did it, its not an easy thing to hear!

You could try reading him social stories, ones that involve hugging people, social contact. If he IS on the spectrum, he needs to learn social skills, they don't come naturally, and you'd be doing him a BIG favour!

(my DS and I both have Asperger's btw, I was dx'd after my son)

Original poster

OFSTEDoutstanding · 19/02/2009 12:56

Spoke to the mum this morning and asked how he plays at home as when my ds not there yesterday he refused to play with me and just wanted to be alone (made it sound like I had only noticed yesterday as no ds) She said at home he quite often sits and stares into space and plays on his own. I asked how he is if they try to play with him and she said 'well we have things to get on with so unless he asks we don't really play'
So think the prob is he doesn't ever get the attention or affection so he is unsure how to handle it when he does. What should I do now?

OP posts:

LoveBuckets · 19/02/2009 16:33

The parents might not be the cause, their behaviour might just be something that's evolved because of the way he is. My DS is v easy going playing in his own little world. We kind of left him to himself a lot because we thought he must not like being bothered by us - that's when I started the 'affection training,' because I wanted something back!
Did you look at that checklist below? I think you've known him long and well enough to get a realistic picture from it.

TotalChaos · 19/02/2009 20:22

Agree with LoveBuckets, it may well be that because this lo seems to be quite self-sufficient and uncommunicative that parents have fallen into trap of thinking best to leave him to it iyswim.

In terms of what to do:- if you are concerned about his development, speak again to his parents. Also speak to whoever at council would deal with early years and SN for their advice on this situation. The NAS website (www.nas.org.uk) is a very good starting point for information about behaviour and communication, and IMO the advice is appropriate for any language delay, not just for kids with ASD.

What sort of games/toys does he like to play with?

LoveMyGirls · 19/02/2009 20:31

I looked after a child I didn't click with once she was 10mths when she started and 17mths when she left, she was on the verge of walking when she left but took ages to crawl, she would rock a lot and eating took her a long time, she used to suck her food instead of chewing, she used to stare into space too, I was fairly new to minding and wasn't sure of exactly what to do tbh it wouldn't suprise me to know she had some kind of sn tbh.

I didn't want you to think you were on your own, i think we all have times when we think we're not good enough I think tbh it's that little voice that says that, that makes us better at what we do because we care, we strive to be better and try harder we don't get complacent (sp?) By how much you have tried and are concerned I think it shows you are very good at your job. Don't beat yourself up over this.

nomoreamover · 19/02/2009 21:17

I don't think its you - sounds sadly liek something not right with the poor little man - I would have queried ASD also.....

vInTaGeVioLeT · 19/02/2009 23:10

hmmmm. . . . i have had a mindee like this and everytime i tried to discuss it mum just laughed it off - it does make you feel bad if you don't bond even if you treat them the same as all your other mindees - i had to give notice in the end but blamed it on other reasons, TBH it just drained me so much emotionally i could no longer cope. He was a lovely child and very easy to look after - when i see him now he barely {if at all} acknowledges me i was his minder him for about two years.

nannynick · 20/02/2009 07:30

We as childcarers can't diagnose a medical condition. All we can do is try to support the child and their parents.
Chat with SN coordinator for info about things to try.

Does he point to things?

LoveBuckets · 20/02/2009 09:38

Well of course not but she does know him very well. If he did turn out to be ASD then the sooner he gets on the right waiting lists the better - better safe than sorry.
OP, how do you think he'd fit in at pre-school? Getting extra funding for staff etc is again something that would need to be started ASAP. However, no doubt pre-school will voice their concerns even if you don't.

TotalChaos · 20/02/2009 09:41

agree with nannynick. I think best to tackle it by saying "I have concerns about social skills/play/language" rather than "I think he may have autism".

And btw with regard to the OP - please don't blame yourself for feeling this lo isn't responding socially to you as you would expect.

vintageviolet - obviously this kid may not be on the spectrum or indeed have any lasting developmental issues - but sometimes kids on the spectrum have difficulty recognising faces, particularly outside an environment where they might expect to see them - so could simply be he doesn't recognise you.

TotalChaos · 20/02/2009 09:42

out of interest, can I ask what sort of training you get about pre-schoolers with special needs/language delays as part of the general childminding training?

JenniPenni · 20/02/2009 12:06

There are loads of courses offered by my borough (I would think boroughs differ with what they offer though), and aside from the first aid, safeguarding, fire protection, food preparation, hygiene, nutrition, EYFS etc. there are specific courses aimed at specific need areas, and this would be one of them. Some are sponsored by the borough, some we pay for.

If I had a child displaying these symptoms I would aim to do on a course relating to this, that would enable me to efficiently take care of him/her with their specific needs.

branflake81 · 20/02/2009 14:15

He sounds like me when I was a child. I was always quite self-sufficient and really not into cuddles and being fussed over. I think that's just the way some people are; it's just more noticeable in a young child.

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