Babysitter problem - wwyd? (long, sorry)

[SuperBunny]

I have a babysitter. She comes every week for less than 2 hrs, she?s always on time, DS likes her. She had glowing references and lots of experience. She's 19.

On her first week, she:

• took DS out & didn?t bring him home til after I got back (only 10 mins). She knew when I?d be home.
• misplaced my house keys (but retraced her steps then found them in her pocket ? she was very apologetic and nearly cried)
• didn?t take water for DS, like I asked her too (but they didn?t go far so didn?t matter)
• hadn?t locked the front door properly (1 lock instead of both).
• complained that she couldn?t work the TV (I had said I didn?t mind DS watching telly but hadn?t expected her to want to do that on her first day. I was only gone for 90 minutes.

I put all of this down to bad day/ first day/ nerves and felt that the important thing was that DS had fun, was looked after and was safe.

More recently:

I have found a piece of a bowl under a counter in the kitchen and, when I checked, I was missing 1. I don?t remember breaking it and no-one else has been in the house when I haven?t been there, so I can only assume she did it. But she didn?t mention it.

She has been through drawers looking for crayons, paper and stuff. I felt a bit uncomfortable that she had done that without asking but decided I should have told her where those things were kept so she wouldn?t have to rummage.

This week, I came back and she had ransacked the cupboards looking for a balloon to blow up. DS had, correctly, told her they were in a kitchen cupboard. She said she couldn?t find them. BUT she had been through everything ?box of medicines, she?d found my mug at the back which had cash in it (the cash was strewn all over the cupboard). I had hidden several of DS?s xmas presents in there, to give to him another time but she found them, unwrapped them and DS saw them all.

She made no effort to hide what she had done, which makes me think she was actually just looking for a balloon but I can?t help feeling a bit violated. It was all a bit odd. And, she claimed to not be able to find a balloon when they were right in front of her

Babysitters are really hard to come by ? I have contacted 15 and have only 1 who may be able to take her place. But I am wondering if this is a case of better the devil you know. Is she just young and has no idea of appropriateness?

DS (3) does like her, she seems to look after him well and she is reliable. But I feel a bit uncomfortable.

Do I talk to her? Or just fire her?

Talk to her I'd say. I've never had a babysitter in except my brother about 8 years ago, so not sure what I'd do for sure, but I'd definitely talk to her first. Why on earth would she unwrap pressies though? that's a bit odd

i would tell her that it makes you uncomfortable with her just rummaging through things, but you have to be careful because she still has to look after your DS.

I would start looking for another babysitter.

I am in a kind of similar situation, i have a babysitter, she is lovely, DS loves her and they have fun, she is middle aged and quite responsible but she does make me feel uncomfortable sometimes.

I had wanted to bring ds around at a certain time but she had asked for earlier, saying she needed to do somekind of errand at 20 past and to bring him around bt it is a struggle for me to get im there at that time and if i am late (before 20 past) she has left without me then just gone into town afterwards whislt i have been texting and ringing her to see where she is.

Then i had some bad news this week and was walking around in a daze (had just found out my pops has cancer and it is termianl) and she text asking if i was coming, i replied no, sorry i totally didnt realise the time, had some bad news this week, so she text me all angry saying oh, i waited for you you should text me so i told her why i did come and she just replied ok.

She has left DS in a dirty (not just wet) nappy Twice and nearly everytie i pick him up he is strapped into the pram.

But he does seem to like it there (can't tell me though because he is only one)

Oh, and her daughter keeps teasing DS, but i think she is just having fun with him.

I would change babysitter i think but all the babysitters around here know each other and meet up etc.

oh, and she took the form that needs to be sent in to the job centre and grassed on me for not going to my course (was the last thing on my mind tbh) and now i have to go in and have a chat with them.

Sorry, went to make LDC!

Thanks for responding.

Mum2OJ, yours sounds a bit odd too. Of everything, it was the opening DS's gift that made me - to be fair, the end had been lifed up when I peeked inside to see whgat it was but it was still in the paper and taped up.

She also complained that DS was bossy this week (which I have to agree is true) and that he was picky about his bossiness - i.e. he would tell her what to do and then tell her to do it a different way.

I do want to give her a chance but I feel so uneasy. I think I will give her next week off and use that to try out the 2 new ones and see how I feel after that. Is that a terrible thing to do?

i think it would be good to try the new one, no arm in trying, esp if the other one makes you feel uncomfortable

after all if you are just giving her some time off then you can always just keep her on.

If he was bossy - that would explain why she ransacked your cupboard looking for the balloon. If he was stood there insisting, and she wanted him to be happy.

I think telling her that she can tell him to "wait till mum gets home" if she doesn't know where something is could solve your problem.

And stop your ds making every babysitter jump through hoops...

Thanks. It's so hard to know what to do, isn't it.

I wish people had come on here and been outraged at either my babysitter or at me, so I would have a clear idea of what to do. My RL friends said I should get rid of her but I feel some loyalty to her. No idea why, when she goes through my stuff.

But you go through your stuff to get things for ds, and as far as i can see it is him demanding these things. Your ds would not know the difference.

Give her another go - explain that ds is taking the mick and for her to say no to any requests for things that aren't out.

If she still goes through your stuff then get rid.

You're right, part of this is DS pushing her to do things. And, when she is babysitting, she is acting in loco parentis so should look for things. But when I am in someone else's house and can't see what the children want, I tell them they have to wait til their parent comes home. I don't tip everything upside down and root through boxes of medicines.

Actually, I need to let her know that she can tell DS 'no'. I think she gets a bit flustered by his demands and wants to do what he asks because it is easier. I certainly would do what I could to avoid him having a tantrum and he's my child so I do understand what she may be thinking.

I also need to work on his sudden bossiness but that's another thread.

Not sure I would be brave enough to "have it all out" as it seems more like immaturity and lack of thoughtfulness. What she did is really shocking -- sounds like she's never been told herself not to go through people's stuff. But I would leave very clear instructions every time, down to having the pens, paper and games out, having out the bowls and cutlery she is to use, putting aside two rooms she does not go in and if ds goes in there "just bring him out". You might not have to do it for very long before things settle down. But I would also carry on trying out other sitters to be honest as you cannot go on like that. It's ridiculous. I think it would have been helpful if on your first reaction it had been "Oh my God you can't go through our stuff like this" but if it happens again I don't see any reason why you shouldn't do that.

Actually, I've changed my mind. Once about 2 years ago my sister babysat. That would have made her 17. She is very responsible, conscientious, and not one to go through peoples things. Somehow, I have no idea, one of my 2 convinced her to get in my bottom dresser drawer, where she found a Mouse Trap game.

She actually opened it and started to play with them. I cannot understand what possessed her to think that was a good idea, since it was in a bottom dresser drawer under things. I think it just must be the thoughtlessness of the age, and is one reason why I don't have teenagers babysit.

Have you told her that there is no way she can go through your stuff, and explain why? She is only 19, and I take it has no children of her own, so will want to make your ds totally happy 100% of the time, and not want to cause confrontation with him as she will feel like she is not doing her job properly saying no and won't know how to cope with a tantrum when she knows you could be home any minute; hence the trying to turn on the tv, looking for a balloon, maybe he saw the present when she was going through the cupboards and demanded it/said his mum had put it there for him for when he was being babysat? You will be amazed what they say to sitters to get round the normal rules/get their own way, even if they are the sweetest children to us. If she is going to be a regular you need to lay down ground rules, and if she breaks those then she is out. My friend has a list of rules and routines, instructions on how to use everything etc taped up in the kitchen above the kettle at all times, so no sitter can ever claim they weren't visable/on the cupboard.

I close my bedroom door if I have sitters in my house, and put anything of value to me in there, and that room is off limits. Usually I take dd to their house (which kind of defeats the object as when I get home dd is wide awake and bouncing off the walls as she has had a few hours sleep so refreshed herself, but my sitters tend to be dd's friend's mums),

Sorry, but are you talking about babysitter or nanny??

Babysitter is ....erm...babysitter. meaning someone who comes in the evening to look after your -sleeping-children when you have an evening out.
Reading your post i assume that she is nanny and not babysitter? Why do you call her babysitter then?
And apparently nannies do have to look through cupboards etc all the time. In the kitchen is fine. If she was doing this in your bedroom then it would be diferent story...

She is a babysitter - she comes once a week during the day for less than 2 hours. She doesn't have to prepare food or do anything other than make sure DS is safe.

I have no objection to her looking for things. But I don't like her sorting through things that are obviously nothing to do with DS.

I agree, I need to be more clear about expectations. And to remember that she is there to keep DS happy, not me.

I should put things I am concerned about somewhere else. The problem is there is nowhere else to put things. I'll work that out this weekend.

Thanks.

If she looks after him during the day then she is Nanny.

And you dont trust her to open the kitchen cupboard and see a jar with few loose coins, but you trust her with your son? sorry but it doesnt make much sense to me...

if you feel uncomfortable you either need to have a chat, explain your concerns, and how annoyed you were about the pressies OR find another person who you are happy with

but it is quite normal to have a perosn rumage if they need to find something, ie crayons in kitchen/playroom cupboard

now if going through your bedrooms drawers - that is different!!

she is there 2hrs and sure ds will like someone else

mumofoj - if you pick children up from this lady, then she is a cm - ie working from her own house and not a babysitter!!

is she ofsted registered?

as you are both unhapy with your childcare, i would find new carers if i were you

you have to be happy with the persona looking after your children

IMO you are being way OTT...

she lost the keys in her pocket... so didnt loose them at all...

went out for a few moments without water.. realy what is the big deal? i dont always take a drink for the children, especially if we are just going to the park for an hour or something... they have a drink before we go... given that she cares for him for less than 2 hours, he cant have been without water for long, and in order to have any outing, which you have suggested is fibe by giving her the keys, being 10 mins later than you back realy isnt a big deal is it? I mean 2 hours isnt that long to even have an outing.

As for looking through cupboards... ok yes i am a full time nanny in my current bosses house i know where everything is and i mean everything... including all the bathroom cupboards and even my bosses bedroom.

I really cant velieve you are worrying that she saw a mug with a few coins in it... what do you think she is... woiukd she really want to risk going to jail for the sake of 50p in a mug?
you trust her to look after your son out not to see a jar of spare change? IMO that really is shocking

whats to worry about if she sees whats in your kitchen cupboards anyway? im sure she has seen bowls / plates / blenders / medicines and all the other stuff before...

ok your son may have seen a present but REALLY?... i bought my 6 year olds present yesturday WITH my 3.5 year old telling him it was for someone else...

honestly i think you are being way OTT, and worrying about a load of stuff that really doesnt matter at all

i am assuming the cash was notes. not some spare change
i think the last few posts have been harsh and i must say i agree with you bunny, i wouldn't be happy with this either
each thing individually is just a little mistake but the whole lot add up to a lack of judgment. It is hard when you are babysitting in someone else's house, to always know what you are expected to do, and with youth and inexperience it is often the case that they make a wrong decision. However unless you pay more for an older experienced nanny (who probably isn't going to be available for 2 hours here and there) this kind of thing seems to happen.

the fact she gets on with ds and seems to mean well counts for a lot, but IMO this kind of stuff will just keep happening and if it bothers you(it would bother me) then i would keep looking around for someone else. she doesn't sound very confident saying no and that is ok for the odd occasion but not for a regular 2 hourly slot.

SB it's up to you what you want your babysitter to see and not see. If nannyl's employers are not bothered, that is up to them. But you don't have to let someone go wherever they want to go in your house, and do whatever they want to do, even if they are looking after your babe.

I find the present opening very bizzare but perhaps your Ds saw them as she was rummaging through the cupboard and told her to open them? If she is finding it hard to say no then this may be the reason? I think it is time to sit her down and have a chat. Tell her your expectations and tell her areas / rooms that you would rather she didn't go in to. Show her where your DS's things are ie. Pens/paints/balloons so she doesn't need to rummage. If she is young with no childcare experience then you will have to give firm guidelines for her to follow. Not all 19 year olds are mature or thoughtful or suitable to be in sole charge of a child. However there are plenty that are but those tend to be working full time so I would imagine it will be hard to find someone for just 2 hours a week.

I do agree with others though that if you trust her with your child, you should trust her with your home. If you can't then get rid!

i will just add that i generally stay out of my MBs / DBs bedroom, but there are times when i am looking for something i need and know i will find it in the bedroom and sure enough i do...

while i know where they keep pretty much everything i obviously dont go 'rummaging through their stuff' (but then i wouldnt describe this baby sitter as 'rummaging through their stuff' either... i dont see the harm in looking in the kitchen cupbaoard for something that is actually in the kitchen cupboard!

I'd say talk to her and tell her that you feel uncomfortable, and if you can't get it sorted than I suppose she would have to go!

Bizarre some of these posts. Did people read properly?! She OPENED presents that were tucked away in a cupboard. That is just weird.

If she hadn't done that and it was jsut rooting around extenstively from the way you described it it sounded like at the very least she was making a mess and leaving it for you. I would be irritated to come home after so short a period of time and find that I had quite a bit of tidying up to do. Not necessary.

Also, the way some of the earlier posts pushed back onto your child...WTF? In my opinion, yes she is inexperienced and if she were looking after your son for long periods of time I would cut her slack about giving in to some demands. But if she can't manage him for such a short time, to the extent that she is turning the house over looking for something he's asked for, I think you need to look for someone else.

when I nanny and proxy parent i quite often hunt through cupboards. I had to empty most kitchen cupboards to find some suncream once when proxy parenting to put on 2yr old and 6mth old baby so we could go in the garden, i did tidy up after myself, the parents didnt mind at all, they were glad i managed to find some they hadnt even considered it as it was april and not usually so sunny.

most people i have nannied or babysit for assume if i need something i will hunt for it.

Once when proxy parenting for another family one child wouldnt sleep without their bunny and i couldnt find t anywhere the eldest said oh try mummies bed and hey ho thats where it was.

think it is strange she would open presents though as the balloon is obv not there!!

perhaps you need to set some boundaries with her for your son so she knows where she stands.

Did you actually ahve the presents wrapped or just in the shops' bags that they came in? If she tore open the wrapping paper then that is excetionally weird.