Babysitter problem - wwyd? (long, sorry)

[SuperBunny]

I have a babysitter. She comes every week for less than 2 hrs, she?s always on time, DS likes her. She had glowing references and lots of experience. She's 19.

On her first week, she:

• took DS out & didn?t bring him home til after I got back (only 10 mins). She knew when I?d be home.
• misplaced my house keys (but retraced her steps then found them in her pocket ? she was very apologetic and nearly cried)
• didn?t take water for DS, like I asked her too (but they didn?t go far so didn?t matter)
• hadn?t locked the front door properly (1 lock instead of both).
• complained that she couldn?t work the TV (I had said I didn?t mind DS watching telly but hadn?t expected her to want to do that on her first day. I was only gone for 90 minutes.

I put all of this down to bad day/ first day/ nerves and felt that the important thing was that DS had fun, was looked after and was safe.

More recently:

I have found a piece of a bowl under a counter in the kitchen and, when I checked, I was missing 1. I don?t remember breaking it and no-one else has been in the house when I haven?t been there, so I can only assume she did it. But she didn?t mention it.

She has been through drawers looking for crayons, paper and stuff. I felt a bit uncomfortable that she had done that without asking but decided I should have told her where those things were kept so she wouldn?t have to rummage.

This week, I came back and she had ransacked the cupboards looking for a balloon to blow up. DS had, correctly, told her they were in a kitchen cupboard. She said she couldn?t find them. BUT she had been through everything ?box of medicines, she?d found my mug at the back which had cash in it (the cash was strewn all over the cupboard). I had hidden several of DS?s xmas presents in there, to give to him another time but she found them, unwrapped them and DS saw them all.

She made no effort to hide what she had done, which makes me think she was actually just looking for a balloon but I can?t help feeling a bit violated. It was all a bit odd. And, she claimed to not be able to find a balloon when they were right in front of her

Babysitters are really hard to come by ? I have contacted 15 and have only 1 who may be able to take her place. But I am wondering if this is a case of better the devil you know. Is she just young and has no idea of appropriateness?

DS (3) does like her, she seems to look after him well and she is reliable. But I feel a bit uncomfortable.

Do I talk to her? Or just fire her?

"proxy parenting"!!! what a pretentious phrase, you are a nanny. That is the title of your job, the job description may be proxy parenting although tbh that sounds like a load of crap too.

I babysit for many families, but in the evening, so I have no need to go looking for things. If I were to babysit in the daytime then I would expect to be shown around the house and know where everything is. Can you imagine going to a new house to look after someone's child but not being able to open anything for fear that you might offend, depending on what is in the cupboard/draw etc?
However, I do find it quite strange that she opened presents etc. I think it would be quite obvious that the balloon would not be there. Does this girl know what is expected of her? Does she know how you parent. Some people I work for want me to do everything and anything to make their children happy - even if this means opening presents and searching through cupboards to find what they want. Other parents expect their children to be looked after but not pandered to, i.e. just because they ask doesn't mean they get.
You should let this babysitter know what to do, she is not a qualified nanny.

Proxy parenting is used to describe a nanny looking after children when parents are away. Hardly pretentious. Just a phrase.

Surely that is what a nanny nearly always does..look after children in the absence of their parents or am I missing something? Does it now require a rebranding exercise, nannying is not good enough obviously?

It sounds like the woman wasn't just looking for something, which is totally normal, but going way over the top about something she could and arguably should just have said,sorry not sure where that is, let's just ask mummy and we can play with it next time. This is not such a big thing to cope with. I mean, if she can't do that, I think she is really too inexperienced or overly stressed about this job.

She's young, sounds like she's having trouble saying no (TV and opening presents - I would have a word about that) and maybe was nervous and embarassed about breaking the plate, especially if you overreacted a little to her misplacing the keys?

The other things - I would look through kitchen or playroom cupboards/drawers to find something for the children, wouldn't occur to be not too - I'd tidy up after myself though. If you don't want her to do that then it's something you need to tell her, she wouldn't automatically know your feelings about it as other families she's babysat for probably didn't mind.

I've also got back from the park ten minutes late before - it was a new job and I wasn't prepared for just how slow a walker my new charge was!

Proxy parenting tends to be when the parents are away for a period of time - I've proxy parented when parents have both been away on business for a week for example, or with another family when the parents went away on a second honeymoon. It's different to nannying which will be 8am-6pm every day for example.

proxy parenting is a normal phrase

i proxy parent as well
Not pretentiouse at all... just a term used to describe an aspect of a job

does my boss calling herself a consultant seem pretentiouse? or is she just a Dr?

looking after chidlren 24/7 for 2 weeks (or whatever) while thier parenst are on the other side of the world IS different to nannying for a few hours a day and handing the kids back each night

She's a nosy parker teenager. She has probably rifled through your knicker drawer too.

You just have to work out if this bothers you or not. Hardly crime of the century but TBH you are allowing her to make excuses. I personally would have a veyr sharp word along the lines of "You are not allowed to nosy around my cupboards for any reason whatsoever. If you need something and you don't know where it is you do NOT ask my son. You either do without or call me. If you are unable to resist rifling then I need someone else. You are 19 and I expect you to act like a repsonsible adult" Do it at the end of a shift, not the start, by the way. Give her time to mull over it.

Blondeshavemorefun - yes she is ofsted registered.

I live in a town and am a bit worried about her getting wind of me looking for a new CM before i find one(they all go for driks together and the suchlike) or turning nasty, i have to leave my DS with her so don't want to upset her.

Crikey... there are lots of assumptions on here

I already said that my babysitter has quite a lot of experience and had wonderful references.

She didn't see a pot with a few coins in, she found a mug, hidden at the back on the top shelf of a kitchen cupboard with about $80 cash. Even if she looked in it, she didn't need to take the cash out or leave it strewn all over the cupboard

The present was wrapped up properly. I had lifted the corner to see what it was but had stuck it back down. When I came back, the paper was torn off and it was all shoved back in.

I didn't overreact about the keys - I told her not to worry. She offered to pay for a new set and I said she didn't need to. Then she almost cried and then she found them.

All these things are minor but there seem to be more and more of them happening. It's not that I don't trust her, I just think some of the things she has done are a bit odd. If I didn't trust her with DS, she wouldn't be taking care of him.

Anyway, I don't want to argue about this. She is sweet and good with DS but we need boundaries (all of us) and she needs to know what I expect of her and what she expects of me. I will talk to her.

Thanks for all the responses.

Good Luck MumtoOJ.

Are you absolutely sure that it wasn't DS at some other point who had gone in the cupboard and opened the present and put it back? It sounds like exactly the sort of thing several children I know would do (and in fact something I remember doing as a child ) ??? Especially given the general mess to the cupboard. Are you sure it occured whilst she was there? If so, I would ask her directly about it - did DS get in to this cupboard because a present has been opened etc etc.

mumofoj - maybe your cm puts your child in buggy when she knows you are going to come, ie to be helpful

proxy parenting is when the nanny/child carer has 24hrs care - i am proxy parenting at end of the month and next month for another family i know

my mb&db are going away for 5 days WITHOUT their children skiing and to have time to theirselves

the 3 children will be cared by me all that time, from thur am to mon pm

Actually Mum2OJ, I do that - when a parent arrives in the lobby, I start bundling up their child so by the time the parent has made it up to the 7th floor, their child is ready to go. I do it to be helpful but I wonder if they think their child has sat by the door in their coat all afternoon.

sorry if some posters thought the term proxy parent prentious but as some others have pointed out proxy parent is someone who takes care of the children for 24/7 whilst parents are away.

many agencies will advertise a job of this description as a proxy parent job.

Since when did looking after a child during the day make you a nanny she's clearly a babysitter.

Hi SB I just saw this. I reckon you should get rid. Once the trust is gone you'll never really be happy and relaxed with her. I know it's a nightmare finding someone else though. Move to Boston LOL, I'd be happy to look after Dinner

This thread is very odd.

I find it shocking that people employ nannies without even knowing the basics about childcare.
The op is saying among other things that she s angry because her nanny went through the medicine box (!!!).
Is it just me finding this very odd?
One of the first things to do when employing a nanny is to show her where the medicine box is and what is in it.
What is wrong with people here? So bitter that look for anything to get their bitterenes out?
I ve never heard that a nanny shouldnt open the kitchen cupboards. Never.

Perhaps you didn''t read SB's latest explanation Tira.

The OP and I suspect some other posters on this thread are located in the USA, where the term Babysitter is used to describe more than one type of childcare. One type is the person who comes to the family home to care for the child, typically in the evening. The other type is where the child is taken to the 'babysitters' home (this is what in the UK we call childminding). At least that's the way I see the job title (if that's the right phrase) being used in the USA.

In SuperBunny's case, the babysitter is a teenager who comes to SuperBunny's home for less than 2 hours every week.

Do I talk to her?
Yes, you should tell her about the things you are not happy about. Make it clear that while you appreciate she may need a few things whilst you are out, she is only there for 2 hours, so if having had a quick look in the obvious places for something, then she needs to stop looking and tell DS that he can't have whatever he is wanting... that he has to wait until mummy is home.

She also complained that DS was bossy this week (which I have to agree is true)
You need to make DS aware that he is not in charge. When you are home, you are in charge. When you have a babysitter... the babysitter is in charge. Your babysitter also needs to know that your DS does not get his own way all the time... that it is OK for her to say NO to his requests. Boys in my experience need consistency, so if there are certain house rules that must be obeyed, then make sure your babysitter is aware of those, so your DS can not try to convince her that he can do things he knows you would not permit.

As you now have found 2 potential babysitters, it is worth giving them a try. The babysitter you have I suspect isn't on contract to work for you... it's more likely to be an ad-hoc arrangement, so I can't see why you can't cancel them this week, and try someone else.
You need a babysitter who both you and your DS likes. Your DS may like the current babysitter, because he is calling the shots... getting his own way all the time.
You may end up having several babysitters to call upon, which could be of benefit.

Definitions of child care in the family home:

BABYSITTER: A person employed by a family to watch their children, can be employed during the day or the night.

NANNY: A person employed by a family to watch their children. A nanny is a professional person who can take on full care while parents are away, they use their initiative and educate children as well.

AU PAIR: A person on a cultural exchange to help in a family home with child care, house work etc.

MOTHERS HELP: A person employed by a family to help with child care/house work etc.

PROXY PARENTING: A term used for people who care for children while the childs main care givers are away. This entails 24 hour care.

It really annoys me that there is no official definition of titles in any country. Children are the most important people and they are missing out by the unregulation of child care in the home.

I am a professional nanny/maternity nurse - it is my career not just something to earn money, I'm constantly updating my skills through course and reading new research. Parents can leave their children with me and know that EVERYTHING relating to their children is in the best hands, just as it is when they are with the parents. I do proxy parent - when I am on duty for 24 hours a day for a week, two weeks or a month I have total charge of the children and a document signed by both myself and the parents stating this eg for hospital admissions.

I babysat as a teenager - it is totally different to being a nanny. EG I worked 8 hours a day but did not have to worry about food planning, educational activities or clearing up after the children.

To the original poster just the fact you are posting on here makes it clear you are not comfortable with your babysitter. Look for a new one. And just because your child "seems" to enjoy your babysitter does not make her the right person for the job.