My AP seems to be ignoring me!!

[VirginBoffinMum]

My current Hungarian AP has been with me for six weeks now. She's 21 and very bright and well-educated, and seems nice enough. Her English is pretty reasonable. The kids like her too.

My problem is that I find I am having to tell her things half a dozen times or more, and even then she still doesn't do them. I am not convinced this is a language problem, and I am starting to tear my hair out. Problems this week have included:

Hiding in her bedroom after bringing the kids home from school, instead of supervising music practice and homework for at least 10 minutes as requsted, and/or engaging with the kids a bit.

Cooking the kids' tea so late they end up going to bed late and then are shattered the next day.

Taking washing out of dryer and crumpling it in a basket for days on end so it needs intensive ironing instead of just folding and putting away.

Repeatedly finishing the milk/bread/pasta/loo roll or whatever without telling anyone, raiding the freezer, or buying some more from the shop (she has a float for this purpose), then complaining there's nothing for tea.

Never tidying up before I come in from work so I end up walking into a house looking like a bomb hit it, with nowhere to sit down, and which I then have to tidy, as she has clocked off, or which the children have to tidy when they are too tired and fractious to do so without tantrums.

Leaving her coat/shoes/gloves/hat strewn around the hall.

Not making sure the kids have their stuff with them when they come home from school, and then hassling me when I am trying to get ready to go to work about the fact that they have no coat/shoes/clean trousers or whatever the next day.

Leaving windows open everywhere when nobody's at home.

It's as though she's just not thinking things through or taking any responsibility for anything. Does anyone have any advice about the best course of action? My DH suggested performance review like we might do at work, and I have done this twice but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears ...

Not sure what my AP gets up to in the evening (and don't want to know) but during the day she is fantastic with the kids and keeps on top of the little housework she is asked to do.

And The Body she is 20 - I think it is down to the individual not how old they are.

Oh dear, what a storm, the comment about 1980 style working woman bashing is hilarious.. i was a working mother in the 80s and also had a responsible job as a ward sister.. i would never ever have left my kids with a youngster and paid expensive nursery fees instead...judging by some of the threads i was right.
btw far from being spoilt my boys managed excellent A level results while holding down part time jobs washing pots in the local pub..
just the right job for their ages.....

agree that 21 is old enough to look after yourself and to run a household.

i was working, running a home and raising a family by myself at 19 years of age and i would feel deeply insulted if anyone told me that my age rendered me incapable of doing so. i beleive if someone is willing to do a job, be they 18 or 29 then they will do the job well, however it is those APs that take on these jobs without actually realising what is involved and without considering their suitability for the job that cause problems and give employers a bad view of other APs that may be a similar age. which is unfair imo. an immature 21 year old should not be held up as a representative for all APs of that age. i also think it is ridiculous to suggest that OP "jack in her job and do it herself" she works to provide a home, a future and a wonderful example to her children. she shouldnt have to sacrifice that because her AP is lazy. there is good childcare available and im sure with a bit of effort spent organising it, she will find what suits her, without having to give up her career. also, my son is 3.5 and i would trust him to feed the cat, because i have brought him up to be responsible and he knows how to tidy after himself. i think with boys at 17 and 19 you should be able to trust that your home will be respected while you are away. unless of course you havent raised respectful children.

Age is a red herring. I am always adjusting my recruitment expectations but now firmly believe that if the AP has previously had tough jobs before (Waitressing, washing up, serving in Tesco's, whatever) and if the AP comes from a 2-career home, then I think you are going to get someone who knows the meaning of pulling their weight, and who appreciates that life isn't there to service her.

Had an awful AP for a couple of months who was just like VBM's. Am now still rubbing my eyes in disbelief at the replacement (I won't go into details, but my god, when you get a good 'un, it makes such a huge difference to your quality of life). Having gone through a quick turnover without either of the kids batting an eyelid (so much for 'continuity') I now wouldn't hesitate to read the riot act where neccesary and give the AP a week or so to shake up, or move on. We all have enough kids to cope with already.

Thebody - at 21 I was living away from home, paying my bills, doing my own shopping, cooking, and cleaning During the working day I was a third year student nurse, revising for my final exams, taking practical tests such as my Management Assessment (which involved running an entire ward for a whole shift), and caring for seriously ill patients.

There are children, some aged under 11, in this country who are acting as carers for a disabled parent - providing physical care, doing housework and cooking and trying to keep up with their schoolwork.

So age is a total red herring.

VirginBoffinMum - I'm glad that, at the last report, your au pair seemed to be getting a better grip of what needs doing - and I hope for your sake that she keeps it up.

We are now getting home baked cakes and a lot more cheerfulness. She still refuses to take phone messages properly and leaves the odd window open, but I think we've now had three days of satisfactory effort.

Thebody, you can't send boys of 7 and 10 to nursery. They went to one when they were little, but then came school at 4 ...

Everyone is attacking thebody, and quite rightly so! I am a 21 year old AP (some say mothers help - but that's another story), I am also a full time student in my fourth year of a degree. Your comment - 'i stick to my point that 21 is too young' is very ridiculous. Just because your children are unable to tidy up for themselves or feed a cat does not mean that all people of (roughly) this age are incapable.
I find your post offensive.

Bit hormonal today. Rant alert. Brace yourselves, comrades.

On reflection, and encouraged by other people's comments, I would like to point out to thebody that I was also 21 myself in the 1980s, and a working student mum, simultaneously dealing with daft APs usually older than I was, trying to make a living, training to be a teacher and bringing up DD.

(DD is currently at Cambridge University now, btw, if we're entering into boasting territory, and she works p/t in the luxury goods and services industry, which is effectively paying for her education indirectly and also sending her around the world in the holidays - much better business experience in my view than washing pots, which DD got a badge for in the Brownies at the age of 7, such is the difficulty and intellect level).

When DD was little, there were no nurseries within a 20 mile radius of us at least - we simply did did not have that luxury. Nor did I get a student grant, because I was under 24.

I don't want a badge of honour, but I would like know-it-all people like her to stop having a go and calling me a cheapskate or a feckless parent. Walk a hundred miles in another man's moccasins, that's what I say. Bloody walk a hundred miles.

This is probably the nearest polite ol' BoffinMum will ever come to flaming

That was rather a splendid post VBM

I did feel better for it actually. I think that had been building up for two decades.

My GOd at 21 I was responsible for running night shifts in an EMH nursing home! I was potwashing at 16 - you can't seriously say someone isn't capable of shutting a window when society deems them capable of serving on a jury?

thebody, I have two boys myself, I know they will always be your babies, but if my 19 year old had left my house a tip I'd throw him out until he learned some respect. You are doing their future wives no favours - you're not expecting enough!

ok, i have definatly caused some major offence and am sorry if any of my comments have been take personally but its my opinion and i am entitled to say it.
If you have kids at 21 then of course you are capable of looking after them, thats a given.
My point is simply that a young ap away from home for pehaps the first time in their lives will see the employing couple as surragate parents, yes i know thats not true for everyone but VBM you are telling us that that is what she is doing..
can i finally say that contary to your post coldtits my boys did NOT trash the house but it was not as tidy as i had left it...
please could some of you develop a sense of humour and perspective......

Actually thebody you came across as more judgemental and negative than some of us might have liked, which is probably not quite what you meant to do. Some of us get a lot of that sort of thing in RL, and we come on here for a more supportive and intelligent discussion of problems. That's not to say we want everyone to agree with us, but rather we want to feel our opinions and concerns are heard rather than dismissed with a scoff and a wave of the hand.

Well, can I just say that we have had 3 French APs, all 19/20. One was useless and lazy, 2 excellent. there is more to it than age!

Totally agree with you, mumoflotsof2sboys. We've had mature 17 year olds and immature 23 year olds. Our best and worst APs were both Slovak. Good guys/bad guys. I try not to stereotype.

Thebody-at 21 I had been looking after a seriously screwed up 2 year old and a 1 year old (at the start of the position) who had lost their mum, for 2 years, I also had to look after a heartbroken widower who worked all the hours god sent so he didn't have time to think. I did child-care, housework, cooking (for kids and also for dad as he would have a fried egg sandwich everynight (after working 14-15 hours) and I didn't think that was sufficient!) I organised all the children's activities, doctors appointments, got the eldest into nursery when the time came, basically did everything a wife would do apart for sleeping with the man!! For all of this I was paid the grand total of £100 a week, live out for the first year and then when I told him I had to leave cos I wanted to move out of my parents and couldn't afford to rent on my wage and he converted the garage (and half of his kitchen) into a one bed flat for me.

I dislike the assumtion that a 21 year old is just a lazy kid who does nothing unless asked!

The boys are now 23 and 22, if anyone asks them who I am (when I am out at the pub/clubbing with them!) they say I am their mum! I love them, they love me and it was all very much worth it.

Of course, with 22 years experience under my belt, I do nothing! I cook, change bedding, do washing, care and play with the children and get paid very well for the pleasure of enjoying spending time with someone else's children.

for Gods sake please READ my threads before piling in. I Did NOT say all 21 year olds were lazy and incapable. Clearly some are and some are not I am JUST SAYING that,

1, its hard to parent when you havnt had kids,

2 its understandable for a foreign ap to miss home and parents and so fall into the role of another kid in the house and see the employers as parents and not the boss.

3 having someone living in your house who isnt a relative is a tricky situation....

If all young aps are so bloody good then why are there so many complaints and bloody trivial ones at that...

count yourselves lucky to be able to have such well paid jobs that you can afford them in the first place..