Behaviour with CM vs at home

[Acinonyx]

Do any of you find your chidren's behaviour is very different with their CM compared to home? Dd (3) is very compliant with CM and will do a lot of things for herself that cause tremendous meltdowns at home. This has led to some heated discussions between CM and me recently regarding consistency between home and CM.

Dd is extremely stubborn at home and can keep a protest going for hours. So we have picked our battles and are just trying to work through the list - the big one being potty training.

Have any of you had problems like this? CM is clearly frustrated with us and I feel isulted and browbeaten. We are in danger of falling out badly (if we haven't already) and I'm not sure how to improve the situation.

Why is she cross with you? If she's behaving with her, what she does at home is non of her business surely? And btw, most children are darlings for everyone else!

Its very typical behaviour for a child to be great at CM, and a little monster at home!

Why on earth is your CM browbeating you?? she should be working with you, not telling you you are doing everything wrong!

If I was you I would find and new CM!

I fell absolutely haragued and miserable over this frankly. The big issue is the potty training. CM clearly feels I'm not doing my bit as I don't want to do things exactly as she does.

Then dd refused to put her own shoes on because I was ther. CM had a go at me about us not being consistent in getting dd to do things for herself and I tried to explain that it can take up to an hour for me to put her shoes on never mind do it herself!

DD is happy and well there and I don't want to move her but really I just feel like sending her notice in the mail. I'm so angry and fed up.

She doesn't sound very professional to me. What do you think, Shoshe? Any CM worth her salt, would know that what goes on in her house, very often doesn't follow through to the mindees home. In fact, most mothers know that, don't they? It really is none of her business to tell you how to do things at home, unless you ask for her advice or want to do a certain thing together. Is it causing problems with the speed of potty training? Does she feel that its taking longer because you aren't following through at home? (This is not my opinion btw, just trying to get into her head!)

Yes I'm sure she thinks that about the potty training which is a major headache for us at home too. Actually neither of us are having much success.

Dd is very settled with CM and has been there for about 6 mo. We agreed that dd needed to learn to be more independent and that has improved (although we often find she is worse with us after being with CM - we assume it's a counter-reaction).

I am very happy with relations between dd and CM but it's gong pair-shaped between her and I. Dh feels the same. I'm writing a letter to her about all this and thinking of taking it round later. We have to resolve this. I could switch Dd to a nursery again but for her sake it would be better if CM and I can make peace.

Sounds like a plan. I think that since she's only been there 6 months, you can hopefully sort things out now, before you start resenting each other and that's no good for dd. It would be a shame to uproot her, if she's happy there.

It really is very normal for children to be perfect for the cm and not you. I minded for 12 years and Shoshe has minded for even longer, so we both have some experience of this! Sadly, children will always play up the worst for the main carer. She knows it'll wind you up and for the CM it's just part of her job, so doesn't bother her so much.

Good luck. Why don't you post a potty training question, to see if anyone's got any gems of advice that you haven't tried yet?

I did post in PT!

CM is fairly new and has only been a CM for about 18 mo. Glad to hear this is not unusual - it makes me feel very inadequate as a parent.

As the others have said, this all sounds very normal to me.

I mind a boy thats 3, and from what the mum says, he is very troublesome at home. Some mornings mum is so stressed with him, she nearly throws him through my door and runs! He is brilliant with me - although I do occasionally see the difficult side that mum tells me about.

Throughout my 7 years of CM'ing, all the mindees are well-behaved with me and less so at home. I understand this because the only child that ever gave me issues was my own! He's at school now and since then CM'ing has been much easier.

I think the letters a good idea, better to let her know how you feel, rather than letting it cause bitterness.

Thanks so much for the feedback - it's been a big help.

Just wanted to agree with the other CMs In the 3+ years I've Cm'd, I've seen some shocking behaviour from mindees with their parents and know they wouldn't EVER behave like that with me (they shout, scream, kick their parents, try and run out the door etc.....and this is nearly 5 yr old!) but I know it's normal and NOT bad parenting!!!. Your CM really should know better and just not be telling you what to do! Yes, if your dd was behaving bad at hers because of how you parent then yes, she could give you a chance to change things or give notice (I've done this before) BUT if she's fine there, she needs to butt out!!

Hope you manage to sort it

the children i mind/have minded are little angels 99% of the time for me but the minute their parents arrive 99% of the time they turn into little monsters my ds is a wild boy at home especially while i'm minding[showing off] but a perfect child at pre-school and for grandparents!
i don't understand why c/m is annoyed with you? i'd say when you pick up make it as quick as possible - always be on time and ask for child to be ready to go that will cut down on silly behaviour tell c/m if she needs to discuss stuff you'll phone later as i always find that parents who hang about have to deal with very wild kids! HTH

Good point about hanging about. OTOH CM implies she doesn't want us hanging about but then she has such a lot to say and the time just goes. We should definitley set up a telephone chat instead.

I minded a child who most of the time was great for me. But when his parents arrived, he really played up. I found the lack of intervention from thr parent at collection time very fustrating! I also had an issue with potty training, I tried to talk to the parents abut this but there was no consistency, one day he would be in a pull up and the next in underpants - confusing for him and me!

All kids behave differently around their parents compared to other carers! I see it every day with my mindees and with my own DS who is 4 and a right pita very often!

I agree that parents and carers should work together - and the emphasis should be on the TOGETHER part. Your CM should take into account the difficulties that you have at home with your child, not damn you for it. I don't think that she is going about it the right way at all.

I hope you are able to get your relationship with your CM back on track for your child's sake. Good luck.

That's interesting wasachildminder. The PT problem is consistency between home and CM rather than day-to-day. Dd is over 3 so we are all pretty sterssed about it. I don't think either of us has got it right yet.

CM keeps her in knickers from about lunch time and she sits on the potty 2-3 times. Generally, dd holds on until she comes home, wets herself once or twice (and often refuses the potty) then poos in bed in her nappy.

We usually go out in the afternoons and I don't want to take dd eg to someone's house in knickers knowing she will not use the potty. Cm thinks people will understand but I don't think they will since we're not talking about the occaisional accident - this is a totally untrained toddler.

dd is pretty resistant. She likes wearing nappies and will sometimes sit on the potty but sometimes not for any bribe - and nev er when she actually needs to go (which she won't admit). I'm trying to comply with CM's strategy apart from taking her out in knickers, largely because I'm not confident that I have a better idea. Left to me though, I would put her back in pullups and concentrate on getting into the habit of sitting more regularly on the potty - even if she goes in her nappy on the potty for a while.

I'm sure lots of you have had to co-train a toddler with parents. How did you manage it if you had a child that was resistant to PT???

I have a FT mindee who started PT the week she started with me, so essentially I have potty trained the child myself - ( didn't know it was the first week till some weeks down the line btw! ) there is complete unconsistency between CM and home and it frustrates the fuck outta me as I am the one who has to deal with the fallout after weekends with Mum when for an easy life she sticks her back in a nappy for her own convenience. This is 3 months into PT!!

Very confusing for the poor child, and very time consuming for me basically retraining her each week and then have all the hard work undone at the end of each week - just wanted to put it to you from the other side!

Why does your CM keep DD in her pu;; up until lunch time?

It sound s like neither of you are consistent. My advice, get rid of the pull ups ALL TOGETHER (do not even put them on going out) as they may well be confusing your DD and have a week off work or at least 3/4 days, stay in and train your daughter by letting her go bottomless and lots of encouragement.

Good luck!!

BTW, I know that co - PT can be done but I think the parents will have more luck if they do it themselves. IMO, its not really a carers job.

That's fine - all feedback gratefully received.

I have tried taking a week off twice already with no success - I just can't take another one for a while yet. 3-4 days hasn't worked either - it's just accidents all the time. She will sit on the potty - but not when she needs to go, that's the problem.

The otherside - I see your point. The problem is, she's not trained at all - she isn't using the potty at CMs she's just holding it in.

I do think though that we should probably do all or nothing on the knickers front.

wasachildminder - actually I agree with you. I would rather wait until I have time to do an intensive week or more again and drop it until then.

If you are sure your DD is ready to PT then definitely think about just going for it and ditching pullups and nappies completely. It's far less confusing for them IMO, just provide plenty!!!! of spares, more than you think she'll need, in fact pack a bag and leave it at CM for first few weeks, nothing worse than running out of spares and then having no option BUT to put back in a pullup.

FWIW my cm (who is brilliant) and I have an agreement that I will give 2 rings on the phone as I get close to her house at pick up time and she will have the dcs (one is 2.5 and 'lively') ready to go.
I think you are right to communicate your concerns to her. It must be very uncomfortable for you.

I'm absolutely sure she can do it physically but she is determined not to. The big difference between home and CM is that CM can ask her to sit on the potty and she is likley (though not certain) to do it - at home it's the other way around and she's least keen when she actually needs to go. No amount of bribery will induce her if she says no.

I do leave a bag of clothes with CM every week already.

I don't think bribery is the key here. I think you need to define the parent (in charge) and child (does as they are asked) roles. It is not negotiable - she must use the potty - end of. It is unpleasant to be wet all the time and she will get the message if you chuck the pull ups.

How do you propose that I force her to use the potty? If I try to put her on the potty she has a total fit (and she is a big, strong 3 yr-old). Seriously - how do I do that??

I'm afraid to make this a battle of wills because it seems to make her more resistant.