Behaviour with CM vs at home

[Acinonyx]

Do any of you find your chidren's behaviour is very different with their CM compared to home? Dd (3) is very compliant with CM and will do a lot of things for herself that cause tremendous meltdowns at home. This has led to some heated discussions between CM and me recently regarding consistency between home and CM.

Dd is extremely stubborn at home and can keep a protest going for hours. So we have picked our battles and are just trying to work through the list - the big one being potty training.

Have any of you had problems like this? CM is clearly frustrated with us and I feel isulted and browbeaten. We are in danger of falling out badly (if we haven't already) and I'm not sure how to improve the situation.

Agree with above. Zero tolerance!! She won't enjoy being changed every time she gets wet for long, esp if she gets absolutely no interaction during.

She's getting conflicting messages at the mo with this pull ups issue, and probably not sure what the hell is expected from her by you or the CM.

Is it a potty problem maybe, would she prefer to just go on the loo?

xpost - if thats the case OP, then forget it for a few weeks and try again in a month or so.

You can't be bodily forcing her to sit on it afterall, create loads of problems/issues.

Have you got any time off over Xmas?

I was'nt suggesting forcing as you can't do that. But it very much sounds to me like you little lady is in charge! Put knickers on her and explain to her that she will not be wearing pull ups anymore. Lots of encouragement and praise and she will do it.

I can understand why your CM is fustrated if you are letting your child rule the roost.

Agree that the toilet might be a better option.

I'm going to suggest a different angle here, it sounds as if your DD is enjoying the fuss and attention and if she was my mindee I would suggest going back to nappies for a while and ignoring the whole issue, then after say 6 weeks or so ditch the nappies and go for pants, not pull ups as I feel that they make children lazy as they are essentually nappies to the children. Then stick at it regardless, if your DD wets herself she will soon learn that wet pants are not nice.

As for the behaviour, this is perfectly normal, one of my parents refers to it as the mummy button - it's like a little button being pressed that swithches on bad behaviour as mummy walks through the door. Hope this all helps and I haven't spoken out of turn.

I can see both sides here - it is difficult to cope with behaviour problems at home with your own child - I've had it with my own - but at the same time you have to take control of the situation and after all we are the adults.

I've had children come to me with no socks, shoes, tops, coats on and parents say "oh they wouldn't let me put them on" Well sorry but as said we are the adults and I just used to put my kids on whether they liked it or not - that or they catch a death of cold or tread on something sharp!

Although saying that as soon as the childminded kids get to me I put the said items on with no trouble at all!

Just to add - have you tried using the "big toilet" with your daughter - using a child toilet seat on the actual toilet and a step up works wonders with some children.

The only parenting issue that really is a mutual issue is potty training. If we have a different approach to other issues that's for us to deal with as long as dd behaves well for CM, which she does. We very clearly have some different ideas about parenting to one or two posters here - if it turns out that CM is of the same mind (and I'm not sure that she is) then we would have to part company.

I think we have gone past the point of stopping all PT and will just have to go all out for the PT now and weather the consequences. Dd is not very bothered about being wet so I think we are in for a grim few weeks!

My DS was exactly the same in the sense that he wasnt bothered about PT at all. We waiting until he showed an interest and made an effort and he was a little over 4 years old but when he decided he was going to toilet train he did it quite quickly.

It sounds to me as if your DD isn't ready to PT. Can you really not give up and go back to nappies for 6 months?

FWIW lots of children do behave differently with CM than with mum. I minded a lo who wouldn't feed herself with me, I had to do it for her but she was self feeding at home very successfully.

My parents are AMAZED by the foods their kids eat with me... and the fact I don't have temper tantrums... I do get bad behaviour now and again of course, but never full-blown tempers... and they eat food at my place that they don't touch at home.

And when mum/dad is at the door, they definately becomes naughtier (generally), run to the toybox and haul toys out again etc. when they wouldn't do it were mum not there - they play up for their parents for sure. Best thing is to ignore their behaviour (not them), and get home.

Re the potty training, I go along with the parents approach 100%, but also give advice as I (generally) have more experience than the parent... we work at it TOGETHER. Team effort.

It is a big step in their development and any tension/constant chatter about it btwn your CM and you is heard by your DD and isn't helping I am sure. Try and chat out of earshot.. maybe by phone as you suggest.

I hope you manage to sort this out - communication is key... but YOU are the parent, and the CM can only advise you, not tell you what to do for your own child.

I am a great believer in potty training when the child is keen to start, rather than when everyone else (usually nagging grandparents!) decide.

If your dd is resistant to doing what is asked, I would put her back into nappies, pull-ups or whatever.

I have had parents who try to push their child into PT simply because of the age of the child but, once they realise that it's OK not to do this, it can make life so much easier.

Whatever the issues (potty training, behaviour or whatever), it is important that parents and childminders work together.

Thanks for the further advice. We've decided to go for it and ditch the day-time nappies but keep night pullups for now. She wants to wear knickers instead of nappies and I think there is some desire to PT on her part - I think we are too far along to go completely back to square one (and CM would blow a gaskett, perhaps not unreasonably). The big problem we learned today is that she is scared of letting anything out on the potty. She will sit on the potty and she will wee in her knickers (or on the floor, or the sofa....) but she will not wee in the potty (or the toilet). She holds it all day and has inumerable small accidents and one or two huge ones. I remember this from the last attempt - it makes being out of the house unmanageable.

I've got some trainer pants for times when we really have to go to someone's house or similar and really don't want her to make a monster mess.

We'll see how it goes but I don't think it's going to be quick.

Hi Acinonyx..well, playing devils advocate here (and im not being nasty at all, just trying to see things differently)..was the CM really horrible or are you feeling fed up with this yourself (your dd PT and behaviour etc) that CM made you feel worse?
I say this becasue i often take things the wrong way myself if i feel that way out.

However for your cm to keep your dd in pull ups until lunch time isnt helping, she obv is out and about and doesnt want the hassle of clearing up id guess?

There are SO many ways she aand you can encourage your dd to use the toilet and some of which may not work at all, but worth a try...the best method that works for me is star charts!..mindee who is 30 months old is fully TT now, me and mum got together, she told me what she wanted to do, i explained what i could do (taking into account other midnees/school runs etc) and we worked it out..i used a palstic bag under a blanket on pushchair seat to contain any accidents, we went to EVERY toilet we passed 'just to try' where eevr possible and stayed clsoe to mine/toilets for a good few weeks while she was getting sued to it...when ever she told me she needed a wee, she got a star...then she got another for actually doing a wee..when she got x amount she got a treat..mum did same at home and although im sure mum found it harder as i dont have her all week, shes fab..and goes on toilet now with a lovely little pink childs seat that i bought her as an extra special treat for doing a poo on the potty

i def think you need to speak to her and work out why she is being/making you feel browbeaten, she should have you/your childs best interests at heart and if not, then you prob should look around for someone else who is willing to work with you.

oh and i would say EVERY child at some stage turns into a little horror at home time, even my most fantasticly behaved mindees..its a time when they question boundaries, whos in charge if mums here etc and esp bad if you stand chatting, they get restless and cause havoc..ask cm to have you dd ready to go and make sure she writes in her diary what ahs happend each day so you dont need to hang around..if dd gets ready fine for cm, ask cm to get this done for youa s its easier for her as well!..good luck

Thanks Pink. We have been using star charts for weeks - I've just made a new one today in fact. Dd does respond to them (but on and off) otherwise she would never sit on the potty at all.

She's really panic-stricken about doing anything in the potty.

I think you are right that I am feeling very frustrated and anxious about the PT situation myself. I wouldn't say CM was horrible - but she was very clearly annoyed and exasperated and it was becoming a catalogue of greviences - including how I handle bedtime which she never does for dd.

I assumed that CM didn't want to deal with PT gioing out but suddenly she's pushed for me to take her out without pullups - so I have been confused about what CM does and doesn't want to do. My feeling is if I'm going to have the hassle of trying to go out then it has to be PT the whole way.

Anyway, I've talked to CM and hopefully we are on track.

Acinonyx, like PinkChick, I too have always used star charts for either sitting on the potty and/or for producing a result; I have also praised mindee if sat on potty but had accident in knickers because they tried and just explained next time we should try without knickers - I also use a 'dolly on her potty' too which goes with mindee to the toilet and I secretely put water in dollies potty , this has always worked for me with mindees. Good luck and try not to stress about it

hmm, have got to say it sounds here like 'SHES' doing the telling what to do when it should be you telling HER what you would like and her trying to adapt as much as poss, i know she cant say yes 100% shell do as you wish but although you may be unsure, its not up to her to decide these things..and bedtime routine??..not sure what she had to say on this, maybe she was just suggesting things to help..but am beginning to think shes a bit of a my way or the high way know it all???..i really do hope you've sorted it out..do you have a copy of her policies and contract?, has she detailed anything relating to this in them?

Got to say she doesnt sound very adaptable, i bend over backwards for my parents, but i guess everyones different, i also get treat badly by some of them, so it seems i may be in the wonrg??

oh and my minde who is fab on potty went througha good few weeks of holding in a number 2, you could see the pain in her face, mum didnt know what to do..one day while she was on potty she pumped and i cheered and (lied) wow x!..you've just done a poo on the potty WELL DONE..lets wipe your bottom..oh..what you cant see the poo?..ah..its because the wipe is covering it now..wow..lets send mummy a message to tell her...wow..a poo gets 5 stars on your diary...from then on, she did poo's at home and here as she realised(or so she thought) that it wasnt so bad afterall as shed felt nothing when she did it here!...
i know its not like that for everyone and i dont suggest for one minute you ahvent tried it all, just saying sometimes the funniest things work

I think CM is very strong in her opinions and doesn't realise how it comes across. I think the bedtime routine criticism (which dd even relayed to me today 'Cm thinks you shouldn't blah-blah' is connected to my asking her not to let dd nap (she hasn't napped at home for over a year and if she does she's up until after 10 pm). Is that an unusal request?

Dh just facilitated a big 2 day -old poo-birthing into some tissue at bath time. The poo-holding is worrying.

honestly, its all been done before...start a thread in toilet training, you'll get loads of help

I think she sounds unproffesional as she would know your dd would relay to you what was said, its really none of her business!..one mum asks me to not let her dd drop of after 2..so i make sure i try and settle her well before!..why would i go against your wishes...shes not going to do very well being so unadaptable, but i hope you do manage to get through it..i would tell her though that you suggest she speak to you and not comment to your dd as she is relaying things back to you about x, y andz...see how red her face goes LOL

My mum always said to me when I was trying to get my children off dummies, potties etc. stop worrying they won't be coming home from a disco and sitting on the potty or sucking a dummy.

As for potty training non of my mindees have ever used a potty all of them preferred to go straight onto the big toilet. I have always waited for that moment when I felt they were ready, and luckily it has always been before their parents have suggested it.

I think because in my setting the littlies follow the biggies in everything they do, getting them to use the toilet hasn't been a problem.

Your poor child seems to be holding herself, which can cause problems later.

I hope you can come to an arrangement with your childminder, it would be a shame to have to move your child for something which is not going to be a problem in a few months time.

I don't know why I have been blessed with a dc who doesn't do so many of the things people tell me dcs do during PT. I have faith that it will get done I just don't want any problems such as Paperfreek refers
to wrt holding on.

I have a thread in PT. I think though that really late PT is basically not very compatible with using childcare of any kind.

I don't want to switch childcare as dd is basically happy with CM and I don't think she would be better cared for elsewhere.