My aupair has resigned because my children are impossible <sob>

[Quattrocento]

Well the new au-pair has not been a riotous success tbh. I blame the recruiter (me).

She was tres ditzy, ditzy beyond belief for a 21 YO. One of my key interview questions is about health, both physical and mental, and she claimed to have no problems on either score. It transpired that she needed a cholesterol-free diet and was emotionally very fragile due to her mother (four suicide attempts, two court cases, one conviction).

Anyhow, she was not managing the infants at all. My infants generally get commended for their good behaviour, although I recognise and acknowledge this is because they save all their naughtiness for home. There were a couple of manhandling incidents which caused DH some serious concern. The children don't like her. They like most people. Children do mostly.

So I get a resignation letter. The parents are fine, apparently, because we have taken great care to ensure she has every material comfort. But the children are ridiculously badly behaved, comport themselves horribly and seem to treat people as servants

To put this into context, she had NO cleaning responsibilities and had the children for 15 hours a week - 4.00 to 8.30 three days a week. All she had to do was feed them, supervise homework and piano practice and do the bedtime routine. I honestly don't think they are so badly behaved. Or maybe we are crap parents? For this she got around £500 a month plus a language course.

So I am sitting here not knowing whether to curse myself for my poor recruitment techniques for hiring a depressive with emotional problems. Or whether to curse myself for bringing up my children so badly.

GRRRR. Now what?

There are so many au pairs out there. And they are all very different people. I would say don't tarnish them all with the same brush.

I've had bad nannies and good nannies. And, over the years, I have learned a lot about how and whom to hire.

Qattro, Anna is making a good point. I have had three aupairs. Two lovely, the third found aupairing was beneath her, and we were beneath her too, but thats a different story... Sorry, I am not helpful

I had a nanny who had grown up with every advantage in life. She was lazy and ungrateful. I now believe her mother did everything for her and she never really needed to learn a sense of responsibility.

Current nanny is 19 and has a few hard times in her life. Her dad dies a couple of years ago. Her mum has been married 3 times. Really complicated family tree. On paper I would have picked her to be a of risk in the mental stability department. Actually, she is fab and definitely has her act together.

So, actually, everyone is different. Some people are knocked down by hard times. And others are strengthened by them.

A bad AP for you could be a fantastic AP for another family and vice versa. Judging from the abundant amount of arguments on mumsnet, it is very obvious that different families think different ways of parenting are 'right'. I think the most important part of finding an AP is to make sure you are on the same wave length. I am a AP but am a bit different because I work in my home country not a foreign one. I have worked for 3 families. 2 of which were fantastic and the other one was not so great (for me). We had very different ideas on how the children should behave. And although of course it is up to parents to decide on how to parent their children, it is very difficult to do a job that you don't agree with. For instance, the children were allowed fizzy drinks and sweets as soon as they came home from school, but were expected to do their homework which I had to do with them. Let's just say hyper children and times tables don't work so well together . As an AP all I could do was grin and bear it but it left me feeling drained after the homework was completed.
I think it would be good, when getting another AP, to give her some sort of questionnaire with situations on it and ask her how she would handle these situations. You might then get a better idea of what she thinks should be done and if it matches with your family.

P.s. I know there are some bad apples that should never be APs.

Quattro - your children sound perfectly normal to me! Mine bicker over toys/tv etc especially after-school.
I would say try for another au pair but that's because our current (first) one is fantastic (she is a trainee teacher so I guess that helps)..however, recruiting from apworld at the moment is very difficult compared to last spring so good luck!

Quattro - have you seen this thread?

I wish I knew how to hire good aps. My strike rate for good ones seems to have gone down lately. Either that or I am getting less tolerant in my dotage. Any secrets out there?

Quattro
Your thread worries me. I have a DC who is variously described as 'rambunctious' 'a handful' 'gives people a run for their money' etc etc you get the idea. We've just trialled an ap for early next year who seems a tiny bit scared of her...I think it's a language thing...but I suppose I need to talk her through coping strategies too...! Yikes.

Can you tell me where you live? As I know an Aupair (male) and he is brill.

See I've never heard either of my children being described as rumbunctious or a handful. I have seen them behave appallingly of course, but y'know, not often. DS has a tantrum on average once every couple of months, generally when hopelessly overtired and always very contrite afterwards. DD is more fiery and loses her temper about once a week, again only ever when overtired. They do bicker probably daily (as described before) but not all the time. Right now they are curled up on the sofa under a blanket reading quite peaceably ...

Squiffy has a thread about a Dementor au-pair and to be honest ours is a bit like that. Mopey mopey mopey. Coping strategies are a good idea. Our AP came up with one herself - she suggested that she should only look after one child at a time. Of course she didn't mention who might be enlisted to look after the other ...

New dilemma now - she wants to stay until her flight home for Christmas in December. I'd really like her to leave sooner.

Blue, tried to CAT you but I don't think you have that? If you have time, would you email on [email protected] and see if we might be compatible with your friend?

Quattro - this might cheer you a little...

I was wondering whether Blue's mess was for me... sorry very self orientated of me.

don't let her stay until Xmas, no way from what you've said.

Hi Quattrocento,

I have forwarded your email address to him.

Do you also need an Aupair Harriet ? Maybe you could share him with Quattrocento as she only needs 15 hours

Quattro, I am sad to hear this aupair has not worked out. Your dcs don't sound difficult at all, not any more difficult that the average highjinks that children get up to. The problem is your aupair's unrealistic expectations of children.

With the best will in the world and interview technique, there will always be duds that get through the process. Don't beat yourself up over it. Luck is a huge factor. Agree with everything Athene has said.

It is a 2-3 week probationary period for me and the aupair. A tentative decision and 'chat' at the end of 2 weeks and a definitive decision either in-or-out by 4. I am perfectly prepared to accept that I could be 100% happy with the aupair and she decides we are not her cup of tea. Either way, a decision yay or nay on both sides by 4 weeks.

I thought things were going swimmingly with my current aupair when she dropped a bombshell around 2 weeks that she was going home to visit around Christmas and not returning! After my initial shock, and big effort not to take things personally, I told her I was fine that she did not want to stay but if she wanted to leave at Christmas, I'd rather she left now, when I still have a chance to recruit a decent aupair rather than in January when aupairs are thin the ground (she has since retracted her bombshell as a passing bout of homesickness).

You are within your rights to ask your aupair to leave sooner rather than later. My reasoning is that I would never have offered her the role if I knew she could only stay until Dec. Therefore, she cannot unilaterally pick and choose the length of her stay.

Get rid now. Hope your next is the gem you and your dcs deserve.

Oh thanks for responses every one. Thanks Blue for forwarding email address.

Oh and everyone MUST visit Habbibu's marvellous poetry thread! It's the perfect antidote to Dementor AuPairs.

Quattro
Her coping strategy of looking after one child at a time...blimey! Did she really suggest that?

Perhaps she thought she could leave the one whose turn it wasn't in the garden. Easy.

UPDATE

There is a god. Our AP has found a new family and will be leaving in 3 weeks.

Children have been chastened and miserable for the last three days. So hooray. I have opened a bottle of wine to celebrate.

Cheers!

Oh and yes, that was a real suggestion, the only looking after one child thing.

She has now told us that she had a few mental health problems in the past (problems that she expressly denied in interview) and is worried about having a recurrence.

So am I worried actually. I hate the thought of her being miserable and unhappy.

Hurrah for the good news Quattro - have you started recruiting for a new one - or are you looking for alternatives?

(and did you have any idea that she was a dementor before she arrived? (because I'm trying to find a new au pair now and am getting worried, they all seem so nice by email!))

The only inkling I had that she was a Dementor is that she kept asking our previous aupair whether or not there were any arguments in the house - between me and DH. He reassured her that we weren't in the habit of stand up rows. I did think this was a slightly unusual thing to ask lots about, but no other indications.

If we get another AP, I'm going to plagiarise borrow the health questionnaire we use at work. It has lots of boxes to tick about whether or not the person has had any mental or physical illnesses. I'm also going to ask the referee to countersign it to the best of their knowledge and belief.

Our cleaning lady has kindly offered to jump into the breach. She likes the DCs and they like her, so it's a good temporary solution. Also previous AP is coming back over Christmas.

Crikey this has all happened so fast. The last few days have been a bit fraught. Looks like it is all going to end well though. Am slightly worried if new family decide they want a reference, but no request has arrived so far.

Right, I will add that to my list of 'indicators of dementor'

At the moment we have one french potential and one german potential ap... have got there references to take up - wonder whether their referees have read Harry Potter?

Marvellous news, Q. And having people you know step into the breech is also v reassuring. Maybe she'll be happier elsewhere (but I somehow doubt it; you've either got that 'can-do' asttitude or you haven't)