My aupair has resigned because my children are impossible <sob>

[Quattrocento]

Well the new au-pair has not been a riotous success tbh. I blame the recruiter (me).

She was tres ditzy, ditzy beyond belief for a 21 YO. One of my key interview questions is about health, both physical and mental, and she claimed to have no problems on either score. It transpired that she needed a cholesterol-free diet and was emotionally very fragile due to her mother (four suicide attempts, two court cases, one conviction).

Anyhow, she was not managing the infants at all. My infants generally get commended for their good behaviour, although I recognise and acknowledge this is because they save all their naughtiness for home. There were a couple of manhandling incidents which caused DH some serious concern. The children don't like her. They like most people. Children do mostly.

So I get a resignation letter. The parents are fine, apparently, because we have taken great care to ensure she has every material comfort. But the children are ridiculously badly behaved, comport themselves horribly and seem to treat people as servants

To put this into context, she had NO cleaning responsibilities and had the children for 15 hours a week - 4.00 to 8.30 three days a week. All she had to do was feed them, supervise homework and piano practice and do the bedtime routine. I honestly don't think they are so badly behaved. Or maybe we are crap parents? For this she got around £500 a month plus a language course.

So I am sitting here not knowing whether to curse myself for my poor recruitment techniques for hiring a depressive with emotional problems. Or whether to curse myself for bringing up my children so badly.

GRRRR. Now what?

Au Pair = brat.. I'd do it. That's a fantastic deal. £125 a week live in - so, to piss up the wall, really - brilliant!

this is why we have trail periods. Sorry you had such a hard time and no i dont think you were asking too much. Sounds like she has too much on her mind to do the job.
Do you have to have an aupair?

SmugColditz there is a vacancy ...

Yes we are really in need of childcare - we both work full time. My hours are 50+ a week with loads of (mostly foreign) travel.

The thing that really worries me is that she thinks the children are so horrible . See, I thought they were rather nice

Shall I try this aupair thing again? The last one was fab. Apart from his perfume, which was a bit of a nightmare but nothing compared with this.

wow £500 a week!!! I'll do the job!!! Where do you live?

Ahem. £500 a month. Plus all the toiletries you can stuff in the trolley at Sainsburys

could you try again, but maybe get them to spend a little time with the kids before offering job? I'll do it for £500 a week

Im sure your kids are lovely, but working with kids i hae learnt the first 2 weeks are hard because the kids are testing out to see where the limits are.

Thank you

I am going to try my new interview technique

"Smug, Lisa, et all

How well do you think you could cope living in a foreign country with a strange family, not knowing any of the language? Would you

(a) Have lots of fun with friends from your language course and neighbours who take you out partying?
(b) Become withdrawn
(c) Become needy and teary over what looks like small stuff"

Some au pairs are just horrible. We had one when I was a child who used to put us to bed at 4pm because she didn't want to deal with us any more. (We were at school till 2.30pm). My mum didn't believe us when we told her. Still doesn't in fact.
But she was the only one out of five or six lovely au pairs. The next one will be fine. Probably.

It is awful when people imply or even say our children are not nice. Hope you find someone else soon.

aw quat. weve had...um... 3 aupairs. and two of them were LOVELY.
good luck with replacing

Sorry to hear this QC. My first ap thought that my children were misbehaving when all they were doing was being the teenage kids they are. She was very rude on one occasion when she told us that dd was being cheeky and I replied that she wasn't being cheeky, she was trying to be funny and make us laugh. Obviously the humour didn't translate through to ap's native language. She also told us how she used to treat the two little girls she looked after for about 35 hours a week (sole care) in her first family and I was really shocked about how she treated the girls and how she said that the parents were too soft and everyone spent far too much time watching tv. And this from a person that would rarely leave the house even if it was gloriously sunny and she had the w/e off!

I, like you, try to ensure that the aps are happy (I can't imagine myself buying bottled water for anyone else living long term - or short term for that matter - in my home when there's perfectly good water coming out of the tap and filter jug!) but sometimes I think we over-do it and they become more demanding. She will realise within a year if not within months that she was onto a good thing in your home and will wish she'd stayed. Aps are still pretty immature and self-centered. My current ap's Mum came to visit recently and was full of praise for us and how we look after her dd and reminded her dd to make up the hours for her days off to be with her Mum. I think the week would have been regarded as a short one with full pocket money otherwise.

I'm not having another ap after this one (and if anyone on MN sees me on here looking woeful after Feb, please remind me of the reality.)

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

not sure if thats a dig at me , hope not as only trfying to help

tbh Quat, I think if you're both working FT and travelling, even though your kids are school age, you might have to go for nanny.

I know it's expensive but you get what you pay for and I reckon the increased cost you pay is the price for peace of mind.

I hate to echo others, but if you're anywhere near Epsom I'll do it! I'm lovely and children love me. And I'll buy my own loo roll!

See, no shortage of suitable people!

sorry have assumed your children are school age because for some reason, had you in the back of my mind as a similar profile to me (!)

The thing is, unlike a nanny, an au-pair hasn't made the decision to make childcare their career, so don't necessarily love being around children, or have the experience to understand their different personalities. However, some do, it's just a matter of finding the right one, not easy judging from what I've read on here, or getting a nanny. Good luck.

She was too young/immature. Any child (even the best behaved) will run rings around someone left in authority who hasn't got the maturity to manage them.

Get a more mature au pair .

She ionly thinks they are horrible because they didn't like her, it's a viscious circle, of course they're not horrible. The next one you get will be supremely capable and will love your dc because they like her!

Oh sorry Lisa - of course that wasn't a dig - sorry. Just wondering how I got us into this mess. Trying to improve recruitment techniques too.

Children are both school age - 8&10. They do bicker, when they play tennis or when they play on the wii. Also they bicker over what they want to watch on the TV. it just seems a bit like white noise to me. I screen it out. She told me it was emotionally too disturbing!!!

We're still thinking about whether or not to try another AP. The last one was really really good.

Whether you employ nannies, au pairs or accountants, you are bound to come across the odd "needy" person who seemed lovely at interview.

Maybe lisa thought you were calling her smug, when really you were actually referring to colditz?

They sound like perfectly normal children. Mine fight like cat and dog over TV, etc. It's what they do when they come home tired from school.

Good luck for next time.

Oh Quattro, and you went to such a lot of trouble to make her feel welcome too! I was at what a good deal your AP was getting, so you ought to have no trouble finding another.

I agree with Anna - get an older one who has a clue about what children are like and how to get them to behave.

Re recruitment, isn't the kind of emotional problem you talk about the sort of thing that's likely to come out via the references rather than interview? It would be in the 'is there any reason you can think of why this person shouldn't be an au pair?' question - if the refs ignore that question you assume there is an issue.

Any AP who was badly parented by her own mother would ring warning bells. So perhaps you need to have a cosy chat at interview about what her own family life is like (on the basis that you want to assess fit with your own family).