HELP! Losing confidence in inlaws childcare ability

[emmajlh]

My 22 month old daughter is cared for 1 day a week by my inlaws, she is in a nursery 2 other days. grandma is 63 and grandad is 65.

They've looked after her 1 day a week since she was 10 months old. They adore her as any grandparent would their grandchild and my daughter adores them.

When she first started being looked after by them i gave them some guidance - what foods she shouldn't have (less than 1 yrs), how she should be placed in the cot (feet to foot), how to help her get off to sleep.

A few months ago i arrived to pick up my daughter after work and whilst i was sitting on the sofa chatting my daughter fell onto their fireplace and cut her forehead. We went to A&E and after a very traumtic time for my daughter and me, the cut was glued together.

My inlaws were motified that this had happened of course, they had been using cushions propped against the fireplace but of course being a toddler she only needs to brush past the cushion and it falls down thereby exposing the hazard. They said they'd cover it with foam.

I went through all sorts of emotioms after the accident. i felt like my baby had been broken, i kept thinking that if the cut had been 1 inch lower she could have been blind in one eye. I felt angy at myself for not insisting that they childproof the hazard. I also felt angry at them that it had happened.

Due more to the trama in the hospital i think than trauma from the accident my daughter was very sensitve and tearful and clingy for a good few weeks after. the week after the accident when i dropped her at the inlaws she was distraught when i got up to go.

She seems to be fine now but deep down i think she'll probably always have an issue with hospitals but then i guess not many people do like them.

Yesterday, my husband and I, our daughter and grandma and grandad went out for the day. We had a lovely day out and when it came time to go we were walking towards the car park. My daughter was walking next to Grandma and i was a few feet ahead pushing the buggy, i dropped back to walk next to them and said 'hold grandma's hand in the car park Jess, we always hold hands in the car park don't we? Look where you're going'. We arrived at our car and began unloading the buggy into the boot etc, I went to open the rear passenger door to load my daughter in (assuming she was still holding grandma's hand at the rear of the car). I got her a drink and snack as it was a 50 minute drive and it was gone 6pm. My daughter then darted round from the rear of the car to the front and took me by surprise, the first thing that went through my mind was why aren't you still being held onto by grandma?! I didn't mention anything at the time but today i keep replaying it in my mind and thinking she could just have easily darted in another direction and been hit by a car.

I've got myself really worked up about this today. I always give my inlaws a pair of reins for my daughter to use when they're out as i say to them that she'll just run off. She's a toddler - its in her nature.

I know i'm probably overreacting and in all honesty i have had issues (that i always kept to myself) with my inlaws since my daughter was born - feeling like they were round all the time etc. I just feel anxious about having them contiue to look after her. I know they raised 3 children and everything but i know that i'm just going to keep worrying now everytime i leave her with them.

I know i need to talk to them but i'm not sure what to say. It must be so much easier when your own mum looks after your children as opposed to your inlaws, even if you have a good relationship it is still hard to tell them whats what when it comes to your child.

I've said to my husband sometimes that when we're at their house i feel as though i'm not my daughters mother anymore, grandma takes over and lets my daughter do whatever she likes, i'm always the bad guy trying to discipline her or say no she can't have a biscuit because we're having dinner in 5 mintues - only for daughter to walk back into the lounge 30 seconds later with a biscuit from grandma.

Please help!!

emmajih, I am not a childminder just a Mum and I agree with the others but it is still gut wrenching when it is your child that is hurt.

The major thing I would take issue with is your last statement on you do not feel like your daughter's mother.

This happened to me with my in-laws (they have never childminded my boys, I am a sahm) but an example was my son played with their fruit in their fruit bowl which was Edinburgh crystal and at perfect toddler height I told my son not to squish the bananas play with the fruit (he wasn't allowed to do it in my house) Grandad over rode me by saying in front of my son No No it is fine!!!

Later I said, I know rules are probably different in your house but I am his mother and if I say no then he is not allowed to do it. It undermines me if you over-ride me. I could just imagine what would happen in the future where my son realises I have no control over him in Grandparents house.

It happened with lots and lots of different things and I let it slide for ages, but it was me who had to deal with the tantrum when they said yes after I said no. If they had no respect for me when I was there how could I trust them to adhere to my rules when I wasn't there?

It wasn't PFB it was my son being allowed to run amock in one house, and I knew that they would have criticised my parenting in years to come with me having an "unruly" child

you waited 5 hrs for her head to be stiched

that is disgraceful - when i took my charge we were waiting maybe 15mins and got rushed through - sure all the blood helped us be seen first

normally children do get seen before others-wonder why it took so long

and 4 people holding down your dd seems a bit extreme - not suprised she is a bit wary about hospitals

and course you are going to be upset if your daughter gets hurt - its only normal honey

would you feel diffrently if it was your parents and notmil/dil looking after her?

imananny - you need that many people to hold down a baby when you want to do something delicate to them. I had to hold my DS's head still, two nurses held his arms, my mum held his legs and another put in the NG tube. It's horrible but one person cannot contain all those flailing limbs and not get in the way of the person doing the procedure.

Oh I forgot to say emma - when I took my DS to A&E recently for the xrays, I thought he'd take one look at the hospital and be terrified but he honestly didn't remember. I was having palpitations though

your inlaws managed to raise your DH to adulthood didn't they?

You strike me as a bit hysterical about the hospital thing. Like others have said, she's deeply unlikely to develop a phobia from an experience she won't ever remember. Is it something you have a phobia of?

I agree biscuit things tricky - I'd state my preferences clearly here.

i must have a non wriggling child then - think he was about 18/20mths and was quite happy to sit on my lap - be cleaned, get glued and then stiched

had one hand over his arm/shoulder and other arm tucked in to my shoulder, and my other hand was holding his head against me, with my hand on his forehead

must have been awful having so many people hold down your child like that - but needs must i guess

still think 5 hours waiting time is awful - unless for some reason hospital didnt think her head was a real emergancy

Hi Emma,

I have to totally disagree with most of the above - you are totally not over-reacting!

Your child is very precious and little things like not holding hands in a car park could result in a serious accident - you cannot be too careful, you have to either bring it up with them or not leave you child there anymore!

I had a very similar situation with my son at my inlaws, when he was 8 months they had him 1 day a week whilst i worked and he went to nursery 2 days a week, but then he didnt crawl etc so it was fine. when feeding him puree though they realised he was choking on a lump of wood and hooked it out (from a cow and gate jar) i beg to ask the question how they didnt notice that they had put this lump of wood the size of a finger joint into his mouth with the pureed food!
Lots of little things bugged me as he got bigger and started moving like when i bought plug socket covers for them as they were letting him plug things in they questioned my ability as a parent as he should learn from his mistakes - i agree with that to some extent but not involving electricity! they gave him refresher bars and lemonade at 1 year by himself and they were not keeping an eye on him - beside the fact that i felt i should be the first person to give him sweets as they knew i disallowed them so did it on purpose and laughed when i brought it up.
I bit my tongue on almost all of the things that worried me as it was free childcare which at the time really helped me out, however, it came to the point where they were at my house as i had cooked for them - which i regularlt did as a thank you - and at the time i was having the front room re-decorated, there was some wallpaper a little loose and he played with it so i told him to leave it alone at which point they egged him on, again i told him not to touch it and they egged him on after 4 goes he ripped i clean off the wall, i then disciplined him with the naughty corner and they shouted abuse at me telling me i am horrible, he doesnt understand, he didnt do anything wrong, im being cruel etc, at which point my blood boiled and i told them to shut up and that i will disciplin him how i see fit as his mother. they then called his name and tried to make him laugh as i wa discipling him at which point my husband told them to shut up or get out.
They then made a big thing about how horrible i am afterwards and how my method doesnt work i should let him get away with it and my husband pointed out that he hasnt done it again.

Sorry to rant, but they were too old to be looking after a young child, and that was my bad judgement for letting them.
On the opposite side when he is at my mums he is incredibly well looked after and she plays with him all day long, but she also spoils him by letting him get away with murder and then he strops when i tell him off for things that nanny lets him do.

Basically, grandparents in my book are too old to look after young children.

Rant over!

I hope you get it sorted though.

Shelly

This has got to be a wind up?

Got to be.

"Basically, grandparents in my book are too old to look after young children."

Presumably your mum is your dc grandparent

Farking nora you are over reacting.

Sorry but you are.

If you had sole care you'd have just as many close shaves as the rest of us.

Sorry, but while I appreciate that the hospital visit was upsetting it wasn't that bad. Thank goodness you do not own my son- he is a walking death trap.

Spose the big question is,can you do better? I mean,can you personally prevent all lapses of attention and accidents. No, you can't. It's called being human.

You are over reacting. They are young grandparents quite able to cope, not old and doddery. The accident with the fireplace happened when they were talking to you, they would have felt that you were there so you were in charge.The same applies with the car park, if they had been on their own with her then they would have concentrated-again you were there and in charge.

I have just read the bit about grandparents being too old to look after young children!!!!They are only 60 something!!

I do wonder whether you are looking for concrete reasons to stop having them care for your daughter. You are, actually, pretty lucky to have grandparents willing and able to offer loving, presumably free childcare, so that you can work.

I'm a full time mum and the worst accidents my kids have had have always been when they're in my care .

shelly - so your mum is TO OLD as well then - her being your childs grandparent

I am still having trouble imagining why people are perfectly capable at 65 of running marathons,piloting aeroplanes,running companies etc etc can't manage to look after a 22 month old in their own home once a week!

The grandparents sound like they are doing a good job BUT it is difficult to entrust your child to somebody else. Do you have any problems with the nursery in terms of not being in control of how they do things with your child?

I really sympathise with the feelings you have, they are natural protective mothering feelings, but I think you are doing well by your child to continue letting the inlaws look after her. And a good and close relationship with your grandparents is a wonderful gift for your dd.

Get used to the A&E - in my experience healthy adventurous children end up there quite regularly! We have seen A&E departments all around the world cause my DS likes to wait until we go somewhere to REALLY injure himself.

I am a shocker at my mum's/in laws. I quite happily hand over all control of the boy and revert to being one of the kids myself . He KNOWS he can get away will all sorts of crap there and that it stops the minute we get in the car to go home.

I am glad we are not the only family Morloth who reminisce about A&Es we have visited!

Woah, way ott! U can't child proof everything, u will drive yourself to an early grave with worry! My daughter recently broke her leg, an it happened to be the way my husband moved her that she fell funny. But I didn't go crackers! U have to accept accidents in life happen! U just have to deal with it an get on with it! If u r a nervous wreck full of anxiety, ur children will be to, an will not help them at all growin into adults!! :-)

this thread is over 5years old - how do they get resurrected

i was reading replies and thought one poster spoke sense, and reliesed it was me under my name i dont use very often

lol blondes. well you DO speak a lorra lorra sense, natch

(OMG at the txtspk from the zombie)

You've nc?

And yes I do

yes, serial namechanger here

i think if both accidents had happened when your dd was at nursery with cm or nanny you would be equally concerned but at least because you have business arrangement you can address it in a more efficient way. i am glad we don't have to use pil to care for ds as they are early 70s and just not mobile enough or quick enough to keep up with a toddler, to point at which if they look after dss cousins they hardly ever take them out, i suspect because its dangerous, bit sad for children but at least they know their limits!

You've had a bit of a hard time here, OP.

You've placed your child in the care of your in laws and on two occasions you've witnessed them taking risks that you don't feel are acceptable.

In addition to that, your MIL makes a habit of ignoring your wishes and doing what she chooses with your DD.

Those two things in combination are quite enough to make you justifiably twitchy simply because you don't know what else they are taking risks with/ignoring when you are not around.

The fact that they have now covered the sharp tiles around the fire is a really good sign. They have realised that you were right to be concerned about them and they probably feel terribly guilty that she was hurt. Your DH can remind them of that if you ever feel that there is another genuinely unacceptable risk being minimised.

I had the biscuit situation and, in the end, I resorted to taking them off her immediately, saying "No. Sorry DD1. It is nearly tea time." It solved the problem because they didn't want her to be upset. Your MIL is probably relying on the fact that you won't do that.

They clearly love your DD very much. Try to work with them, making any serious concerns very clear while offering to help them find solutions.

Thread is 5yrs old

Toddler will be 7ish and at school :)