HELP! Losing confidence in inlaws childcare ability

[emmajlh]

My 22 month old daughter is cared for 1 day a week by my inlaws, she is in a nursery 2 other days. grandma is 63 and grandad is 65.

They've looked after her 1 day a week since she was 10 months old. They adore her as any grandparent would their grandchild and my daughter adores them.

When she first started being looked after by them i gave them some guidance - what foods she shouldn't have (less than 1 yrs), how she should be placed in the cot (feet to foot), how to help her get off to sleep.

A few months ago i arrived to pick up my daughter after work and whilst i was sitting on the sofa chatting my daughter fell onto their fireplace and cut her forehead. We went to A&E and after a very traumtic time for my daughter and me, the cut was glued together.

My inlaws were motified that this had happened of course, they had been using cushions propped against the fireplace but of course being a toddler she only needs to brush past the cushion and it falls down thereby exposing the hazard. They said they'd cover it with foam.

I went through all sorts of emotioms after the accident. i felt like my baby had been broken, i kept thinking that if the cut had been 1 inch lower she could have been blind in one eye. I felt angy at myself for not insisting that they childproof the hazard. I also felt angry at them that it had happened.

Due more to the trama in the hospital i think than trauma from the accident my daughter was very sensitve and tearful and clingy for a good few weeks after. the week after the accident when i dropped her at the inlaws she was distraught when i got up to go.

She seems to be fine now but deep down i think she'll probably always have an issue with hospitals but then i guess not many people do like them.

Yesterday, my husband and I, our daughter and grandma and grandad went out for the day. We had a lovely day out and when it came time to go we were walking towards the car park. My daughter was walking next to Grandma and i was a few feet ahead pushing the buggy, i dropped back to walk next to them and said 'hold grandma's hand in the car park Jess, we always hold hands in the car park don't we? Look where you're going'. We arrived at our car and began unloading the buggy into the boot etc, I went to open the rear passenger door to load my daughter in (assuming she was still holding grandma's hand at the rear of the car). I got her a drink and snack as it was a 50 minute drive and it was gone 6pm. My daughter then darted round from the rear of the car to the front and took me by surprise, the first thing that went through my mind was why aren't you still being held onto by grandma?! I didn't mention anything at the time but today i keep replaying it in my mind and thinking she could just have easily darted in another direction and been hit by a car.

I've got myself really worked up about this today. I always give my inlaws a pair of reins for my daughter to use when they're out as i say to them that she'll just run off. She's a toddler - its in her nature.

I know i'm probably overreacting and in all honesty i have had issues (that i always kept to myself) with my inlaws since my daughter was born - feeling like they were round all the time etc. I just feel anxious about having them contiue to look after her. I know they raised 3 children and everything but i know that i'm just going to keep worrying now everytime i leave her with them.

I know i need to talk to them but i'm not sure what to say. It must be so much easier when your own mum looks after your children as opposed to your inlaws, even if you have a good relationship it is still hard to tell them whats what when it comes to your child.

I've said to my husband sometimes that when we're at their house i feel as though i'm not my daughters mother anymore, grandma takes over and lets my daughter do whatever she likes, i'm always the bad guy trying to discipline her or say no she can't have a biscuit because we're having dinner in 5 mintues - only for daughter to walk back into the lounge 30 seconds later with a biscuit from grandma.

Please help!!

They sound fine to me. All children have bumps and scrapes, as you know, and no environment is entirely risk-free. IMO you won't get better care for her because they love her. You speak as though they are doddery old crones, yet they're only 60-something.

Also, do you want your DD to have a "thing" about hospitals, cos she sure will if you don't forget it and move on?

accidents happen at nurseries, childminders, grandparents... anywhere, my DS tripped over at nursery when he was 3, and banged his mouth and had to go to A&E. was absolutely fine. and does not remember

if your DD has an issue with hospitals, it won;t be due to this, she won;t even remember at less than 2

has your daughter never had an accident in your care? never had a trip or a bump or scrape?

i think you are blowing this up out of proportion

if you had issues with your ILS, why use them to look after your DD?

sounds like it was doomed to failure

It sounds as though you need to have another (calm) talk to them about what you expect and what dd's rules and boundaries are. Grandparents are there to spoil dcs, but if they're doing regular childcare they have to abide by your rules.

IMO yes I do think you're over-reacting (in the nicest possible way). Toddlers fall. They all do and it's always at the worst possible time (i.e. when the cushions had fallen). But your inlaws promised to get rid of this hazard - I'm assuming they have, if not then maybe you could get some foam for them. Your dd running to the front of the car is something else you could mention, but if they were still stood between her and other cars, then they were not endangering her. But she is your dd and you should feel like you have the final say in her upbringing. If you don't want them ever to let go of dd's hand in a car park, then say so - kindly.

Your dd won't remember the hospital at all. Be careful not to give her a complex about it.

you sound like you are over reacting to be honest.

Typical grandparent stuff.
I am sure your daughter is not traumatised by the hospital visit unless you allow it happen.

As regards to the biscuit thing- this is annoying I know and I insist on this sort of thing not happening by explaining that you had said "no" and that you mean it. They will not be offended.
it sounds like your negative opinion of them is clouding your judgement of their ability to care for you daughter

have they actually got more incapable in the last twelve months..if their health is ok then probably not

yes she will be more active now but you have to accept that and that accidents will happen wherever she is

i dont think any of the things you mention are really cause for concern

if you cant put your worries to one side then maybe you do need to consider alternative arrangements but it would be a pity to do so

i would have words about allowing biscuits when you have said no but you are overreacting about the rest.

why is the fireplace so hazardous? if its any normal fireplace i wouldnt put cushions round it, and covering with foam sounds a bit nuts tbh.

i reckon your daughter was clingy because she picked up on how upset you were about the whole thing, the way you sound on here theres no way you could hide it from her and that will make her upset. im not saying its your fault, its just the way things are.

they really dont sound like they have done anything awful, if they are round too often your dh needs to get them to back off. otherwise you are very lucky to have childcare and loving grandparents around, try to chill out a bit.

I think you are being a bit OTT about the hospital phobia, or potential phobia tbh. My DD has had lots of medical visits and isn't great around medical people so I have made excuses for her by saying she has had many viists, but now she is 5, I think it is more to do with strangers tbh.

I do understand how you feel as I was a nightmare when my ILs had my children but all the accidents they have had that needed a trip to A&E, they have been with me. There was only one incident with my son where they didn't call me when they should and if my son's problem had got much worse he could have lost a leg, but he didn't. They know how serious it could have been and I know if it ever happened with the youngest one, they would call me sooner.

If you don't want them looking after your child you will have to do it yourself or add another day at nursery.

As for child proofing their house, if you want it done, it is only fair you pay for it but it is also fair they say no if they don't want permanent adjustments to their home.

Sounds to me like PFB - precious first born.

Lots of Mums go through it. You just need to recognise it for what it is and take a step back.

It sounds like your daughter reacted to your anxieties re the hospital and leaving her with her grandparents afterwards. Be very careful with this or you may well end up with a very anxious child. You state that you were 'traumatised at the hospital' that you 'felt like your child had been broken' and that you 'felt angry at the inlaws' I hate to think of your reaction if anything more than a small bump/cut to the head happens.

You are very lucky to have grandparents that love your child and want to be involved in her care. You can still point out hazards and dangers. Try mentioning the car incident by relating it to yourself ie that your lo is so quick that even you need to make sure you have hold of her hand so that she can't dart off.

I think the fact that you were present on both occasions is significant. They may not feel that she is their responsibility to the same extent if you are there too as when you leave her there. She probably took them as much by surprise as it did you but ultimately you could have ensured she was safe in the car yourself if you had any doubts. I think you're being rather unfair in laying the blame at their door. It seems it is more a case of your feelings about leaving her at all and projecting that onto them and their care, but you may well feel the same way had she had any accident at nursery. She will get over the accident and trauma, if you allow her to by moving on yourself.

Yes you are over reacting. You were present when she fell over I don't understand why you are automatically angry with them (although as you say you have issues with them anyway). Surely you should bear some resposibility if there is someone to blame which I don't think there is. Accidents happen. Children fall over. It happens all the time. Putting pillows over the hearth seems perfectly reasonable if that makes you happy but seems a bit over the top. Is every hard surface in your house bubble wrapped or something???

nbee84. Totally agree with you. Definite PFB and rather than the hospital visit having been made into this huge traumatic incidnet it could have just been an exciting adventure. Unfortunately as nbee4 says she's picked up on your anxieties and you need to watch out you don't turn her into some nuerotic wreck and alienate your inlaws at the same time.

OTT. Are you like this all the time?

a biscuit before tea at grannies isnt the end of the world imo

my middle child fell over with mb about a year ago and wacked his head and needed stiches - 2mins before i started work, so i took him to be glued and stiched - he was fine and never had aprob with hospitals - he often falls and bumps- hes a typical boy of nearly 3

both these things happeneded when you were there, you were on the sofa, and you were in the car park,so though I am not blaming you, I also feel that you cant not blame your in laws either

accidents do happen

if these things had happened with your mum, would you feel differently?

can you get hubby to chat to his parents?

bottom line,if you feel that you cant trust them,then dont use them for prob unpaid childcare

i think you are overreacting a little
toddlers have accidents and you can't wrap them up in cottonwool - my ds cut his head open at that age too it was awful and traumatic but just one of those things.

next time you go to your inlaws go around the house and do a risk assesment, if you can identify problems - such as needing a fire guard or bleach in reach of dd then point these things out and buy the relevant safety equipment - they obviously don't want dgd to get hurt either but maybe need fresh eyes to see the dangers.

You sound like a total helicopter Mummy to be honest. Never happy unless you're hoverin over your child imagining dangers and probably causing dangers by your attitude. A bump on the head teaches the child not to mess with the stone fireplace again. In future she'll give it a wide berth. Cover it with foam and she'll never learn what a hazard is or how to avoid it.
I can't believe you expect them to put foam over their fireplace!!
If you were my daughter in law I'd regretfully tell you that I couldn't look after your Dd anymore as I could do being treated like a moron who'd never raised a child. Your Dh is alive and clearly in working order so they can't be that crap at patenting can they?

My mum looks after my DS one day a week. She gives him biscuits. I'd rather she didn't but it's only one day and tbh he's so lucky to be looked after by someone who adores him that I can let it slide.

And accidents happen no matter who is looking after a child. I think LIZS is probably right - that your ILs might drop their guard a little when you're around. If you suspect that they do cede control when you're around, you might need to ramp up your own attention. Or alternatively, make it very clear when you're expecting them to take charge.

I have to agree, sorry. YOU were chatting when DD fell. YOU are her mum and the minute you are in the room, you have responsibility for her.

WRT your outing, your OP doesn't state that you had specifically assigned your DD to your MIL. You spoke to your TODDLER to tell her to sensibly hold grandma's hand. She is 22 months old! What do you expect her to do? Retain the instruction, rationalise it and think of the dangers ahead? She is YOUR responsibility. If you neeeded MIL to keep control of her, your comment should have been directed to her, and clear. Something along the lines of - "Can Jess walk with you to the car, make sure you keep hold of her because she tends to run off at the moment". It is your assumption that MIL had her that has caused this issue.

Sorry, but I really think that you want the best of both worlds - complete control of DD but abdication of responsibility for her when it suits you to blame MIL.

I think you do need to talk about the biscuit thing for example, they should go by your rules on that one. Something gp's don't like to do.

I do think that you are totally overreacting with the fire thing though. If you were in the room, how is that them being uncapable of looking after dd. If you couldn't stop it, then how could they?

Agree with Lou on the hand holding thing.

I have a fireplace in my home my DS is now 2.7yrs but when he was learning to walk I did hold my breathe a few times as he tottered near it - I had visions of his bashing his skull open on it. And yet still I didn;t child proof it properly. I ened up piling his toys on the hearth as it stopped him getting toc close particularly he became more interested in the toys... It is scary getting used to it if you don;t have a fireplace at home but while I think you need to be sensible eg put somehting in front of it I think covering it with foam sounds a bit impractical.

As others have said your DD really won't have a phobia about hospitals unless you promote it.

It really isn't any easier when its your parens - everyone does htings differently and when you are lucky enough to have a parent helping you, I'm afriad you do need to give them a certian amount of slack in exchange for the help. Otherwise their rls becomes much more akin to paid childcarer and not satisfactory to either side.

It does annoy me how much ice cream and choolate my mum gives DS - partly because I try to keep the quantitiesdown and so I never end up giving him any nice! I would have a word with her about the biscuit thing, just say "I relaly don;t mind you giving her the odd biscuit but please not before lunch and definitely not when I have said no as I don't want her to start manipulating one of us against the other".

Don;t feel that you aren;t her mum becuase you are - I found it quite a shock that my mum felt s strongly about DS as I did (albeit in a slightly differnt way) - and they do too, they aren't trying to undermine you, they are trying to give him a weeks worth of love and attention in a day. Don't worry it wll settle down if you are sensible and don't pick holes in everything they do, just a cople of key things maybe.

and when I'm around I assume 100% responsibility for DS (where he is making sure he doesn;t run off etc) unless I have specifically said to my mum "I am going over there, can you look after DS please"

I think you are over reacting

all children have bumps / scrapes / broken bones / falls etc

you cant childproof everything every where

Id just let then carry on looking after her tbh.

Thanks for your messages. I accept that i am overreacting

In response to the various questions:

• we did/do pay for all the equipment needed at G&Gs (stair gate, travel cot, high chair etc)

• making the hospital trip an adventure - my daughter had a ball in the waiting room for the first 5 hours, even though she hadn't had a meal and it was long past her bedtime. It was the needing 4 people to hold her screaming body down while her cut was glued back together that distressed her so much - it took over an hour and about 5 attemps. I was calm the whole time but that didn't mean i didn't find it traumatic. You are right that she probably will forget everything that happened in the hospital.

• the fireplace was hazardous as it had tiles that jutted out horizontally about a foot off the floor, with sharp edges. The edges are now covered in bubble wrap only on the days my daughter is there.

• no my house doesn't have any bubble wrap.

• i do bare responsibility for both incidents but also felt MIL should have held onto her. I can appreciate that i should have been more direct in my instruction though.

• yes if my daughter was injured again i would be upset. Having a child is like having a piece of your heart walk around outside your body.

• i don't hover over my daughter waiting for accidents to happen but i do like to ensure she is playing in a safe enviroment. i never allow her to be in our kitchen on her own for example as she could get up top allsorts.

• My DH is alive and well yes, as is his brother, his sister - the youngest and much longed for girl was spoilt rotten through childhood and was an absolute nightmare for the whole family until she was in her early 20's. so when i see my daughter twisting G&G round her finger i worry that they'll treat her the way they treated their daughter. I offset these concerns though knowing that they only have her for one day a week so being spoilt 1 day out of 7 will hopefully mean she won't grow up to be a spolit brat!

I do think that you are overreacting.

I'd say the key thing is that both examples happened when you were there. What is likely to have happened is that MIL took off her 'sole carer in charge of DD' hat and was just being Grandma.
You were sitting on the sofa chatting to MIL when your DD fell on the fireplace. Obviously it was an accident an nobodies fault, but you as her mother cant be cross at MIL for not doing anything to prevent it if you didnt yourself.
Same with when you were out. You cant assume that MIL will take responsibilty when you turn to do something else. She will be assumi ng that you have responsibilty.

I'm sure she and MIL have a ball together on their days together and sounds like your MIL is doing a grand job.

emmajlh - good on you for taking the barrage of criticm so well

tbh if your child has to go into hospital, even when no one is at fault, it is hideously traumatic. My DS was admitted for a week at 9 months with bronchiolitis and it took four of us to hold him down to put the nasal-gastric tube in. Then he had to have some xrays recently and it took three of us, wearing lead aprons. I nearly wept and ran away with him. I suspect if I'd had someone to blame for him being there, I would have done. And every day he's out of my sight, there is indeed a little piece of my heart missing. What a lovely phrase. So you're not weird I don't think. Just a mum

thanks spicemonster

Emmajh - try not to worry about it. These things happen. DS2 fell off a table and cut his head open on our fireplace and he had to have 5 stitches. DS1's godfather was "looking after" him at the time but it was just an accident - they happen. Your DD won't remember the hospital - DS2 was there 3 times in 3 years and can't remember any of them!