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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Dealing with a child you don't like

79 replies

Fadge · 29/07/2008 16:15

I am sure plenty of Childminders here will have taken on children only to find they don't gel, bond, get on, fit in whatever.

There's nothing bascially wrong with this child, I just plain don't like her. I cannot afford to give notice though, so what to do? Any tips on how I can force myself to like her? I feel guilty as sin for feeling like I do
I really work hard at not showing this to her and I hope that it is working, but I find it such a strain and after a session with her I am knacked mentally.

Please tell me I am not alone!?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

southernbelle77 · 30/07/2008 12:42

I think it's really sad that you don't like this mindee. I know we can not all like everyone and there have been children I care for that I might not have bonded with so well, but I would find it awful to care for a child I didn't like or could not cuddle when needed, and even just because it is nice.

I am not judging you at all btw as I can see that it is a very tough situation to be in. Could you try and work out what it is particularly that you dislike about the mindee and try and find a solution to it?

CrushWithEyeliner · 30/07/2008 13:03

your inner thoughts of dislike on this poor child ARE going to come through in very subtle ways. I think you need to let them go to someone who doesn't have these feelings toward them. It is v hard for a child to settle anyway without all this baggage.

Original poster

Fadge · 30/07/2008 13:12

You know what, I am not going to justify my feelings any more. I feel better for having said it out loud. I have said all I needed to say, and can say about this. This will just go round and round in circles with those who understand, having been through it themselves, and those who are just here to paint me as an evil bitch.
Chat amongst yourselves...

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 30/07/2008 13:17

interesting you won't answer my question fadge

I think that tells us ALL we need to know.

AbbeyA · 30/07/2008 13:20

CM may well teach but it is entirely different. A teacher is responsible for about 30 children, they are not a mother substitute. They only have the child for a year and there is very often a TA in the room and many children build up a relationship with her. They go to other people for lessons, there are dinner staff, students etc.
A CM has the child, in a very small group in her home and should be able to cuddle up for a story. A preschool child needs love and affection and the interest of an adult far more than they need to learn anything.
Some very successful teachers are not in the least nurturing-they don't need to be.

CrushWithEyeliner · 30/07/2008 13:21

glad you feel better

MamaGLovesMe · 30/07/2008 14:03

No one is saying you are an evil bitch

What we are saying is it is the right thing to do to end this arrangement.

The CHILD deserves someone who can look after them, be fond of them, care for them and like them.

That is all.

And how would you feel if the mother read what you have posted?

PinkChick · 30/07/2008 14:25

Hi Fadge skimming through this board while mindee asleep so not read you replies but seems your getting short shrift?

i had a mindee from very start who i did not bond with..i cared for her, fed her, played with her, looked after her, took her on trips, bought her treats and so on, but no bond whatsoever..i came on here feeling really guilty and was given mixed answers, some said i MUST give notice, but the best peice of advice i was given was that no way could we ever love ALL the children we come across. sad but true, this girls left last year andas circs have changed for parents, wants to come back this year, she misses us like mad, is always talking about us and runs up to me and jumps into my arms when i see her around...my lack of bond never came acorss to parents nor it seems to the LO..i stayed proffesional , i think some times you have to see it as a 'jab' other times its like looking after your own family, cant win them all..dont beat yourself up, just try to relax a bit with them, be consistant (as im sure youa re) and maybe they will adapt and settle a little better.hope so

HonoriaGlossop · 30/07/2008 14:35

but pinkchick this thread has been not about not bonding, but about actively disliking a child and not being able to 'bring yourself' to give hugs etc. I totally agree that of course no CM will love ALL her charges but this is about not even LIKING the child. i think there's a big difference.

My SIL has told me that she does not have a bond with my ds like she does with her other nephew; I know what this stems from, I understand, and I don't mind. I would certainly mind if she told me that she didn't like my ds and couldn't bring herself to show him any affection!

hercules1 · 30/07/2008 14:35

This thread is really sad. Of course a childminder and teacher is different. I think you should give notice. I wouldnt want my kids to be looked after by you. I would have no problem with them being taught by a teacher who didn't like them. Very different.

PinkChick · 30/07/2008 14:44

Fadge, can you put your finger on why you dont like this child?

I have children now whom i truely adore and said as much to mum last night and she said that they feel the same way about me..but i also have children who are VERY hard work whom i try to 'fix' leaving me frustrated, that is more like the 'job' side of it..maybe the child is at an awkward age?, copying/not sharing etc? and this is causing stress for you? sorry if totally wrong there?

MamaGLovesMe · 30/07/2008 15:10

I have looked after many children in my previous jobs as au pair, mother's help and nanny and there was plenty of times I didn't like what the children did but I can honestly say I never disliked the child.

I find this really hard to understand tbh.

EthelTheUnready · 30/07/2008 15:13

We know, as adults, when someone doesn't like us, no matter how hard they try to be pleasant. I don't think it's any different for a child - after all, children are extremely perceptive and can generally suss a fake at twenty paces.

Midge25 · 30/07/2008 15:25

I think definitely give notice and tell the parents. It won't be easy but having just put my daughter into full-time childcare, in anticipation of going back next week, I would be devastated to hear that she wasn't liked and would move her elsewhere under those circumstances. I have always believed that children of any age pick up on the emotions of others, and don't think that this can be manufactured....

TheProvincialLady · 30/07/2008 15:39

I think that saying 'Tell the mum it isn't working out and quit' is the same level of response as the much bandied about on MN 'Get a cleaner'. Don't people realise that this is the OP's job and livelihood? Not everyone has the luxury of quitting jobs with nothing in reserve, or getting a cleaner because their DH doesn't pull his weight. In fact the majority of people are not in that position.

To the OP - you do really need to work out why you dislike this child and what you can do about it. You need to do something for both your sakes.

MamaGLovesMe · 30/07/2008 15:39

Please don't give the parents the real reason for you not wanting to care for their child. You will be causing them enough upset by finishing and them having to find someone else, without criticising their darling child too.

MindingMum · 30/07/2008 15:50

I've already had my say earier on on this thread but would just like to say that all the OP wanted was some help and advice not a public flogging

We all have our own fixed ideas on the ideal way for a child to spend their formative years, however life is far from ideal. The OP is doing the best she can in quite difficult circumstances and I just hope that she (or anyone else) doesn't feel that in the future, they couldn't ask for advise on a delicate matter like this for fear of the public response

MamaGLovesMe · 30/07/2008 15:52

I am not giving her a public flooging if your comment was aimed at me.

Anyone who posts on here must know by now they are going to get a mix of responses and sometimes we won't like it, me included.

HonoriaGlossop · 30/07/2008 15:57

how are differences of opinion a public flogging?!

trouble is on this thread there has been little to go on - the OP never did explain in any way at all what it is she dislikes about the child....it's so hard to give any practical ideas to help when you just don't know what the problem is other than not 'liking'.

southernbelle77 · 30/07/2008 16:05

I agree MM. In my post I was trying to be helpful (by saying try and work out what it is OP dislikes and try and find solution) and i hope it came across that way.

OP doesn't need to be made to feel any worse. She obviously is concerned, hence the post.

I hope a solution can be found, for both OP and mindee.

chipmonkey · 30/07/2008 16:37

MindingMum, how did you find out your nanny was indifferent towards you?

ellideb · 30/07/2008 16:50

I never said teaching and nurturing were the same things. I said they were the same whether you were a teacher or a childminder.

Early years teaching and childminding are not worlds apart. They are not exactly the same but they have very strong similarities.

Actively disliking a child is completely different to what the OP means. If you are actively disliking someone then you are doing something about it and treating them differently, which is not the same as feeling like you are not getting on with someone and doing your best to not show it.

Cuddling is something different. It is a bit of a grey area. There is nothing to say you are required to cuddle a child. It can leave you open to allegations and not everyone is comfortable with it. Its unfortunate as it is a lovely part of the job but it is also a sign of the times and some people would not feel safe doing it.

Well done Fadge for being honest and I hope you realise you are not alone and that things work out for you and your mindee.

MindingMum · 30/07/2008 18:25

MamaG - no I wasn't refering to you directly cos if I was i would have used your name.

I just felt the the OP naively asked the question and didn't deserve the feedback.somethings are better not said and all that.

southernbelle - yes you came across well.

chipmonkey - she actually told me a few years back that although i was the model child - polite, easy to please , obedient etc that I irritated the hell out of her and she couldn't bring herself to like me. She said she buried those feelings and 'got on with it'. I never had a clue. I idolised her and she told me (at the time) that I was the daughter she never had. If my Mum got cross with me she would tell her that she would 'steal' me cos she loved me so much.
I would have been devastated (sp)if i'd known at the time, as my Mum (single parent) worked full time and had no interest in me.

I had absolutely no idea, so I maintain that as chioldminders we can 'play the part' with no one being any the wiser.

AbbeyA · 30/07/2008 19:07

I actually think that CM and Early Years at school are worlds apart.
A CM is there for the convenience of the mother and is providing the next best thing, in a home situation.
Early Years Education is for the child and the mother has to fit around it. A reception class will have a lot of children with teacher and nursery nurse and additional help such as volunteeer parents. They will work in groups and the teacher will be spreading herself between about 20 children. They will get very little individual attention. They will have playtimes without the teacher. They don't have naps, and the teacher has nothing to do with meals. A story will be read to the whole class.
The CM is with them, or in the background the whole time, caring for them as a mother.

MrsFluffleHasAWuffle · 31/07/2008 09:06

Brave of you to post, I wonder if the people giving you a hard time are in the business or not?

I don't think the OP deserved some of the comments he/she has had though - seems to me OP answered the question of what is it you don't like by saying that there wasn't any one thing that they could attribute it to.

I'm a Childminder too and have had a couple of children over the years that I didn't bond with, and also children who I liked a lot and they didn't like me. It goes with the job and you can efficiently care for someone without loving them/liking them lots.

My husband was very surprised when I once asked a similar thing of him as he knows me better than anyone and had no idea that I didn't bond/get on with/like very much a certain mindee. If I can fool my husband who knows me inside out, then I could certainly "fool" a child and it's parent.

I say stick with it, make lots of opportunities for fun stuff and just put your feelings to the back of your mind and one day you'll maybe find that your feelings have changed.

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