Another Mum's Comments on Nanny - what to do?

[BusMumsHoliday]

We have an after school/pre-school nanny for DS5 and DD2. She started two weeks ago, but is our third after school nanny/babysitter (others left due to uni ending/starting, all very amicable). She's hired via a local agency that matches mostly students with after school childcare jobs. She previously looked after some slightly older primary school DC, and her reference was solid. So far, she's needed a bit more hand holding than other nannies but otherwise seems fine. DC have made no complaints.

This morning at school drop off, another mum - who is an acquaintance, not close - pulled me aside to say that she'd heard the nanny speaking harshly to my DS at pick up earlier this week. Yelling his name, telling him that she'd told him three times to hurry up. She said that it seemed over the top for a small child. I thanked her for the information, but now I don't know what to do with it?

DS can struggle with listening - partly because of some additional needs, but sometimes also because he's playing up, so I can fully believe she had told him before and he was dawdling. Sometimes he does need to be told firmly. And the nanny has only been doing pick ups a couple of weeks and maybe it was a stressful day. And I don't know the other mum that well and what seems harsh to her might not be to me.

That said, I don't really want the nanny loudly berating my kids in the playground for all to see. I'd rather she took DS to one side and reminded him that he needs to listen. But I'm not sure if/how to raise this with her, without her feeling like she's being spied on? Would appreciate any advice people have.

Can you ask her how she is finding things and if she is struggling with your DS listening? Perhaps take it from there.

I would ask her how’s she’s finding it and if school pick ups are going ok. See what she says. don’t tell her another parent told you anything. She’s an idiot to not expect people reporting back like this.

Does your contract allow for a nanny cam? If she’s harsh in public she will be worse at home. I used to nanny and always assumed there would be a camera on me. If I’m not comfortable having how I work observed by parents then I would have been doing something wrong.

Yelling his name, telling him that she'd told him three times to hurry up.

That doesn’t sound - by itself - to be anything out of the ordinary, although I think anyone would be alarmed to have another parent tell them that they were concerned about the person caring for their child. Is there anyone that you know better who might be there to see the pickups? You could then ask them - neutrally - if they had any concerns - “Sarah said X - what do you think?”. If the answer is “Oh - Sarah’s a complete wet blanket and drama queen to boot”, then I wouldn’t worry about it. If it’s “nanny doesn’t seem very kind to little Bobby”, then I would…..

Thanks, everyone - I appreciate the comments. I agree a general check in is probably a good call. I'll put aside a time for this next week.

@Burntt - I can see why people do use cameras, but it's really not for me. I wouldn't want to be under potentially constant observation doing my job. I am actually in the house a lot of the time as I wfh upstairs, though haven't been this week until today. So I can keep an ear out and I've not heard anything alarming.

@WimpoleHat - this was my feeling. Besides which, I have definitely got a little bit short with DS for faffing around before, so I can believe he was trying it on! I do have a mum friend with a DD in DS's class who I could discretely ask about it, and I'd trust her judgement.

Definitely ask the nanny how she's finding things and any difficulties/concerns. If you don't think it too obvious you could even mention finding it tricky when DS dawdles and how you behave. And then ask your friend to keep a weather eye out.

Could the nanny of been speaking in a direct way rather than a harsh way? You are basing this on one person’s opinion and you need a little more information. I’m sure some parents would think I sound harsh but I’m just very direct when I need to be. It’s one of the things that actually attracts parents to me because I’m not nonsense but in a kind way. However, to some parents who very much gentle parent to extreme then I may sound harsh. Perhaps the nanny had repeatedly had to say something to lo and had to be more firm in order for them to listen.

So you hire students with no experience but want them to act like a fully trained Nanny? Maybe you need to up your game. You are on to your Third "nanny" for a 2 year, try hiring a nanny and not a teenager out to make a bit of spare cash.

Would you have said the same to your son, in the same manner?

Based on personal experience I'd take it very seriously. It takes a lot of guts for her to have raised this with you, so she must have significant concerns. Do you have any friends you could ask to keep an eye out and feedback? Have you noticed any changes in your children?

Twice I've dismissed comments from others and have later found out far worse was happening when there was noone to tell me. I've never had any comments about the three wonderful nannies we had, well, other than people saying how lovely they are.

Stop calling her a nanny, she isn’t she’s a mother’s help! If you want someone with the correct skills hire a fully trained nanny!

Agree!
Just pay the proper money and use an Ofsted registered childminder!
Always amazes me that parents entrust their precious children with someone who isn’t registered, DBS checked, and with a full paediatric first aid certificate.

I’ve had exactly this experience too. I wish I’d taken my neighbour’s warning seriously. It was more than 10 years ago and I still feel awful about what I subsequently discovered was happening.

Did you phone some of the referees supplied by the nanny?
It could be that your child is testing the boundary.

I’d be concerned that a parent observed it and felt the need to tell you. I’d speak to the kids and the nanny and try to get more of an idea but I’d be more wary. I’d be tempted todo some drop ins to see how she’s managing/what’s happening

She's not a nanny, she's a babysitter. I'm not saying that to be disparaging or condescending but because I think you need manage your expectations. If you want a nanny hire and pay for one. If you want a student looking after your children, they won't have the skills and experience of a nanny, will cost less and as a result may struggle more.

What’s harsh to another person, won’t necessarily be harsh to you. Have a chat with your nanny and tell her exactly what this other parent had said to you… have a conversation and see where it leads…

Is she a student then? I agree with pps that she is not a nanny and probably expectations should be a bit lower, but a couple of weeks in she is surely on her best behaviour and she is very likely even less patient in private. I would bring it up with her for sure.

Yelling his name, telling him that she'd told him three times to hurry up.

I would take the report very seriously. Someone who owes you nothing has made the effort to inform you your child is being treated badly.

Waste of time speaking to the nanny. Either get a camera or cut your losses.

Ignoring the warning and hoping for best would be very risky. I read this para as pure minimisation DS can struggle with listening - partly because of some additional needs, but sometimes also because he's playing up, so I can fully believe she had told him before and he was dawdling. Sometimes he does need to be told firmly. And the nanny has only been doing pick ups a couple of weeks and maybe it was a stressful day. And I don't know the other mum that well and what seems harsh to her might not be to me. but also if your DS has additional needs, that makes the yelling worse.

I had this once. We had an au pair. Very good reference. Came across very well. But a good friend alerted me to the fact that my daughter would walk behind the au pair and looked sad, and that at the park my daughter was largely left to it (she was 3 or 4). Within a day or 2 I had a call from the nursery who said they saw her handling my daughter in a rough way. We immediately had the difficult conversation and let her go. She was utterly charming to us, but it clearly was a bit of a front. We felt awful. I’m so grateful to these people who told me though. They are worth their weight in gold.

Keep your wits about you. I would take this seriously. If you know other people who are around to observe her - enquire as to their thoughts and ask them to be your eyes.

Have you asked your child if she speaks to him too sternly or if she is kind? He has some learning needs, this would be unacceptable to me. There is no way I would have her back!

Years ago I had to have the same conversation with a school mother. It must have been truly awful for her to feel she needed to mention it to you.

I'd be concerned. For a third party to notice and feel they had to tell you, I think for your child's sake I'd be assuming it was true until I had evidence otherwise. I'd be starting by asking your child what he thinks of the nanny, if he likes her, ask about any concerns etc

I would take this seriously. One nanny I had - highly qualified, inherited from a babygroup friend who relocated. A neighbour said my older son (then 3) cried and cried all the way down the road when the nanny took him out for a walk - every time. That didn’t fit with how she was when I saw them. Then she accidentally sent me a text intended for another nanny referring to my son as “rainman”, and another derogatory comment. I gave her notice but she had to wirk the full four weeks as I couldn’t take any time off work. It was the longest four weeks of my life.

Yeah i thought this too. Plus her DS5 has 'additional needs' - so hire a professional not a young student.

I’d get rid of her. I’m not saying this lightly. You can’t be there to observe what’s happening. If you tell her not to speak to your children like that, you’re not there to check. So she’ll probably resent it. It’s not like a manager telling an employee to do something, and then the manager was there all the time to observe the employee.

We have a childminder for a few hours on a weekend. She is very lovely with our child, she is only 19, and they would leave his room an absolute tip. I just said to him a few times in front of her now remember you have to tidy away all your toys before you leave. She got the message. She also used to feed him loads of biscuits and cakes. So I said to him now I remember you’re only allowed one cake or biscuit. She caught onto that too. She was only young I couldn’t expect her to know how to parent.

But if she’d ever been unkind or rough with him, I don’t think I’ve tried to fix that, I’ve just said we no longer have the need for a childminder.