Another Mum's Comments on Nanny - what to do?

[BusMumsHoliday]

We have an after school/pre-school nanny for DS5 and DD2. She started two weeks ago, but is our third after school nanny/babysitter (others left due to uni ending/starting, all very amicable). She's hired via a local agency that matches mostly students with after school childcare jobs. She previously looked after some slightly older primary school DC, and her reference was solid. So far, she's needed a bit more hand holding than other nannies but otherwise seems fine. DC have made no complaints.

This morning at school drop off, another mum - who is an acquaintance, not close - pulled me aside to say that she'd heard the nanny speaking harshly to my DS at pick up earlier this week. Yelling his name, telling him that she'd told him three times to hurry up. She said that it seemed over the top for a small child. I thanked her for the information, but now I don't know what to do with it?

DS can struggle with listening - partly because of some additional needs, but sometimes also because he's playing up, so I can fully believe she had told him before and he was dawdling. Sometimes he does need to be told firmly. And the nanny has only been doing pick ups a couple of weeks and maybe it was a stressful day. And I don't know the other mum that well and what seems harsh to her might not be to me.

That said, I don't really want the nanny loudly berating my kids in the playground for all to see. I'd rather she took DS to one side and reminded him that he needs to listen. But I'm not sure if/how to raise this with her, without her feeling like she's being spied on? Would appreciate any advice people have.

Thank goodness your good friend informed you! yes I think this is good advice. Op should ask the other school mum friends to keep an eye on the new nanny as she seems a bit overwhelmed etc & report back.

Wow. Just wow.

Being spoken to sharply and told to get a move on isn't really 'being treated badly' in my book. Now, if she was shouting obscenities at him and pulling him around by the arms, that would be different.

It sounds like the other mum is putting a gloss on it and it was actually worse! Having frequented school pick ups for years the way some mothers speak to their own dc it must have been bad for her to comment. I'd ask ds what he thinks of his new babysitter and I'd ask the babysitter how it was going.

Have you explained your child's additional needs and given her the strategies that work for you/him when trying to get his attention or follow instructions?

It must be wonderful to live in a world where your kids don’t annoy you and you never ever have to tell them to hurry up. I’d rather they be told to hurry up than let them believe there is no hurry in anything they do. And if she’s spoke to them 3 times they need to learn to listen to the adult.
What they are crossing the road and get told to hurry up and they don’t ??? If you’re that critical perhaps don’t have a nanny/child minder and do it all yourself

Well. This.

I'd be inclined to think it might be this OR the mother who told you might be a 'gentle' parenting type and rushed to tell you.

But either way, this is a babysitter, so she won't be 'qualified' to mind children so stop referring to her as a 'nanny'.

Have you asked your child?

I had a mother’s help for school pick ups/ after school supervision from reception to end of year 7.
With the first mother’s help I had in reception, another mum told me that my daughter cried when she saw her.
The mum became a really good friend of mine over time, though this was early days when she warned me.
The other mother said she’d really worried whether or not to tell me. I spoke to my dd who was just 4 and she said she just didn’t like her. She only said this once I’d asked her though.
i ended the work agreement with this person and looked for someone else. She was really angry with me and didn’t accept my explanation that sometimes work relationships don’t work out.
Second mothers help I hired ended up
working with me until end year 7.
I would definitely dig into it, turn up at home unexpectedly, ask your kids what they think and question the other mum in more detail. I wouldn’t ignore it.

I would just wait and see for a little while. It is just one parent who has raised a single incident. I would just keep this in mind and see how it goes. I would keep a close eye on things but not judge her ability based on one possible concern.

She's just a babysitter. She doesn't have any training or qualifications in childcare at all. In fact it sounds like they are near enough school kids themselves. I think you should get an actual professional nanny. Rather than a series of young girls who will leave for uni and have no interest in working in childcare.

I would ask her, 'someone said little johnny was playing up when you collected him on xday. What happened? Are you coping with him OK?' And I assume you asked your son, what did he say?

I wouldn’t ignore this. People getting involved is rare, if this woman did so, there must be a reason.

Better safe than sorry.

Good nannies don't need to shout at children. They are very skilled at managing children and their behaviours so that the child is happy and well behaved.

I have never once raised my voice to my DC and wouldn't tolerate it from a nanny. You can have a very well-mannered and cooperative child without having to shout.

I'm a 1 strike and your out when it comes to my children I don't take risks , if she was comfortable shouting in public what could she do when no1s watching ?

Ok wow, lots more responses overnight. Sorry I wasn't keeping an eye.

To clear some things up. I don't believe nanny is a protected term so anyone can call themselves it; it doesn't signify qualifications. She has a DBS and has done a first aid course through the agency. She's done the same job for another family, albeit with older kids. I checked references. I pay the going rate, do my employers NI etc. I'm not cutting corners to get childcare on the cheap.

The other babysitters (if people prefer that) have left because they were either going back home or going back to uni - which we knew when we hired them. Would I like someone who'd stay for years? Yes, but it's a 10ish hour a week role so yes, often students because they tend to want those hours. (Actually this young woman isn't one; she's got other part time work.) A childminder wouldn't work for us because DS is better being in our house and not with other kids so he can decompress. The DC are used to this arrangement and it works for us.

Yes, I've fully briefed her on my DS's needs and how we manage them.

I had a brief chat with the nanny, she didn't report any problems. Neither DC has said anything negative either when I've asked them generally how they're finding her; they would both be capable of doing so, though I know DC don't always speak up. I've not heard her raise her voice or speak sharply to the children when I've been upstairs, nor do they sound out of control when they are at home. I'm not of the opinion that you never need to speak sharply to children; a firm telling off would not be out of kilter with my parenting style, though tearing strips out of them at top volume would be.

My feeling at the moment is to give her a couple more weeks to settle in and have a longer chat about how things are going/anything she's finding harder, and I'll be speaking to another mum I trust more to ask if she's noticed anything. I'm absolutely willing to terminate our agreement if I have any reason to. Thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice.

I would expect a Nanny to be qualified to at least a Level 3, a DBS and with paediatric first aid and safe guarding.

Two things come to mind - if the person who highlighted it to you is relatively normal, it takes quite a bit to decide to say something to another mother so that would concern me - it’s not something most people do lightly, so sounds like they are worried for your child. Secondly, if she’s harsh enough in public that she is concerning other people, what is she like in private - again that would concern me. I think you owe it to your child to explore this fully and ensure he is safe.

You think it's ok for a paid childcarer to yell at a child? I do not think that is appropriate, unless the child were in danger.

But she won’t have insurance, she won’t have done safeguarding training, and she certainly isn’t a Mother herself.
If a childminder is not suitable, why on earth wouldn’t you employ a proper nanny who actually WANTS to work in childcare?

I used to be a nanny at university. I had to quit before when a child had special needs that I couldn't handle because it was unsafe for both of us. He would always scooter across roads without listening or stopping. If your child has significant needs they may need a nanny trained in certain techniques. A 19-20 year is used by agencies because they're cheaper, but they're almost a child themselves and most won't have developed methods to deal with situations.

I would take the feedback very seriously.

People don’t tend interfere in other people’s business. This is how so many abused children are suffering so long. The worry that maybe it isn’t that bad, or was a one off etc.

She doesn’t know you well or owe you anything, yet has gone out of her way to inform you.

It may be nothing. It may be something. I would certainly be on guard and be speaking to her y the feedback. If she doesn’t react well that in itself doesn’t bode well. She may well be offended but also understand safeguarding is number 1 and a mother wouldn’t just ignore random feedback .

If you didn’t perform well at work, someone fed back, your manager would have a word? Why wouldn’t you with your own children?